Dr. Pope is wrong, wrong, wrong
At a time when everybody in this world appears to have the intelligence of a swollen amoeba with all the essential characteristics of a vegetated palsy-stricken, amputee dwarf who ate Chernobyl dust with their Frosties, it is a welcome relief to discover there are like minded individuals whose tolerance threshold have been obliterated through endless hours of media diatribe. Gamesmaster, I salute you. Yes indeed, Patrick Moore spoke out this week complaining that women had made TV shit and who can disagree with him. Since giving up my liberty (also know as moving in with girlfriend) I’ve been forced into watching shit like Charmed and Dancing on Ice while giving up my five minutes of happiness every night watching Bangbabes. Women for some reason think men should find Sonia from Eastenders attractive. Have they ever actually looked at the munter? Quite simply I would rather diddle Dot, Pat and Pauline (after death) than stick my coin in her slot. Women are why reality TV exists so they are to blame for Jade Goody. Patrick Moore should invite Kate Thornton onto the Sky at Night and shove his xylophone up her arse, talentless bitch.
Say hello to my little friend
Bad parenting appears to be the hot topic of the week. Footage of David Hasselhoff spread around YouTube this week, showing the King of All Men drunk as a skunk, failing miserably to eat his munchies and generally blubbering, all filmed by his 16 year old daughter. A vegan couple have been jailed over the death of their baby who died of malnourishment, having been fed soy milk and organic apple juice. I hope they are force-fed raw liver for every day of their incarceration. Meanwhile a British family on holiday in the Algarve are still desperately searching for their three year old daughter after the parents intelligently left their child on her own whilst they enjoyed a good steak. I hope it tasted better than their guilt. Cristiano Ronaldo made an impassioned plea to those who may have Maddy to let her go. I’m sure a paedophile ring are really going to listen to a guy who last year was investigated (and cleared – legal Admin) over rape allegations. And for some reason Gary Wilmot is involved in a production of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The producers clearly wanted to put a new spin on things by having a real life child catcher involved in their show.
Kids, a man who says his car can fly is in all likelihood a nonce
Scientists and the Vatican formed a highly unlikely alliance this week in warning against the practice of oral sex. Dr Gypsyamber D’Souza’s article in the New England Journal has highlighted a link between throat cancer and giving head. Quite how somebody with such a ludicrous name managed to get a PhD I never know, though I am prepared to believe that a woman called Gyspyamber is an expert in the art of going down on paying customers. The Catholic Church meanwhile condemned Father Gerry Nugent for getting his balls licked by a Polish student who was subsequently murdered and buried near a confessional box in a Scottish parish. In a statement read by Father Dick Byrne, the Church said they were outraged at the behaviour of Nugent and assured parishioners this was an isolated incident and that only the sexual abuse of little boys was acceptable to the Pope.
You can always rely on a Priest for succour
In another scientific breakthrough, designers have come up with a groundbreaking device that enables spastic kids to use a remote controlled car. The Dream Racer ‘smart’ cap has motion sensors send a signal to the car when the wearer moves their head. Outstanding work, I can’t wait to see what Stephen Hawking does to Craig Charles on Robot Wars, when he introduces his machine, the Spackernator.
Eat shit Charles
And finally as news filters through that Tony Blair will stand down as Prime Minister next month, Conservatives leader David Cameron has said that the country ‘faces seven weeks of paralysis.’ Good choice of words Dave. How is your son coming along? Learned to walk yet?
