Transformers The Movie - Reconstructed - by Liam R
I’m pretty sure it was the Wednesday before the start of the 1998 edition of the Reading Festival when I became reacquainted with an old friend. That old friend of course was Transformers The Movie, something I remember seeing as a seven year old kid on video. I only saw it once because I could not for the love of God find a bloody copy anywhere, or at least that’s what I presumed my parents thought. The real truth of the matter is that my parents, like the parents of many millions of boys my age who saw the movie at that time, didn’t want to put me through the trauma of watching Optimus Prime die again. Yes you people can laugh all you want, but for any kid who had even a remote passing interest in the robots in disguise that was a moment that scarred our youth. I’m being serious! So now, some twenty or so years after it was released, the movie has been cleaned up so let’s see what it all means in the cold light of day.
Hot Rod: Complete Tool
The Film
Let’s cut the crap shall we? This movie existed for one reason and one reason only: to sell fuck loads of toys. And the toys that the movie was intending to sell were made to replace the original generation of figures so the only way to do that was to kill off pretty much all of the original characters. The first to bite the proverbial bullet are Ratchet, Brawn and Prowl who fall victims to the Decepticons finally figuring out how to aim their weapons. Ironhide follows up, as Megatron finally displays what an absolutely evil motherfucker he is by blasting Ironhide right in the face (off-screen, thankfully). The Decepticons who get written out include Skywarp (NO!), Thundercracker, the Insecticons and Starscream (a little later). But of course, the main death in the movie falls to Optimus Prime, so how does he get there?
Well to start with, we see a massive fuck off planet ambling through space later identified as Unicron, and to show the viewing audience that this guy is eviller than anything ever seen in the Transformers universe, it eats an entire planet, robotic inhabitants and all. Meanwhile on Cybertron, the Autobots have lost their home planet and are dividing their time between the moon bases in orbit and Earth. Prime sends Ironhide on a shuttle run to Earth but along the way they get slaughtered by the Decepticons, cueing up an enormous scrap at Autobot City . In the ensuing melee, new Autobot Hot Rod attempts to help Prime in his battle with Megatron but fucks it up royally, allowing Megatron to fatally wound Prime. Megatron himself is also pretty fucked up so he calls off the assault and escapes in Astrotrain's cargo hold.
And then it comes: the moment when Prime dies. He gives the Autobot Matrix of Leadership to his best buddy Ultra Magnus and then fades to grey in a scene which probably traumatised young boys everywhere. Up in the depths of space, Astrotrain complains about the weight of his cargo and Starscream decided that the fatally wounded Decepticons including Megatron aren't worth keeping hold of so he unceremoniously boots them into space before assuming the role of Decepticon leader for himself. Megatron and the rest of the not-quite-dead Decepticons are found by Unicron, who offers Megatron a deal: he will give him and his comrades new bodies in return for destroying the Matrix. Megatron accepts and is reborn as Galvatron, while the rest of the wounded Decepticons become Cyclonus, Scourge and the Sweeps. Galvatron flies back to Cybertron and kills Starscream during his coronation and assumes the role of Decepticon leader and starts his hunt for Ultra Magnus and the Matrix….
Optimu "motherfucking" Prime: the king
And that's all I'm going to say on the movie's plot as I really don't want to give too much away. I will say that the vocal talent assembled for the film is nothing short of awesome with Orson Welles (Unicron), Leonard Nimoy (Galvatron), Eric Idle (Wreck-Gar) and Robert Stack (Ultra Magnus) providing some of the voices. The music is pretty awesome as well, with Unicron's Theme (you'll know it when you hear it) and the brilliant hair metal version of the Transformers theme being standouts.
But… the killing off of so many of the original characters probably hurt the series in the long run. Out of all the generation one characters left, only Jazz, Cliffjumper, Bumblebee and the Dinobots remain on the Autobot side, with just Soundwave and the Constructicons remaining on the Decepticon side. Sure guys like Huffer and Ratchet and those annoying bastards that turned into the camera never had major roles in the cartoon but they were part of the familiarity of the series. And killing off Prime and Megatron? Big mistake!
Another thing to consider is that this film is incredibly depressing. Apart from a few moments at the start when Prime turns the tide of the battle of Autobot City the rest of the film has the Autobots getting the arses kicked by the Decepticons time and time again, or almost on the verge of getting themselves killed in other means. In most films aimed at kids, there are moments of mild peril which are countered with moments of relief but here, there are none such moments as the good guys are put into such a hole of hopelessness that at the hour mark you do wonder if there is going to be a happy ending.
On a slightly more amusing note, there is swearing in this film. When Unicron is munching his was through the Autobot moon bases, Bumblebee and Spike come up with an ingenious plan to detonate the base as Unicron is destroying it. Sure enough the base blows up but Unicron is left unscathed, leading Spike to exclaim "Oh shit, what are we going to do now?" Now if I was face with a planet the size of Earth which had just consumed something the size of the moon, shit would be one of the words that would come out of my mouth proceeded and no doubt followed by lots of "fucks", variations of "fuck" and possible a few "holys" as well.
Starscream: Dies
The Extras
Aside from the usual commentaries and production checks, the most interesting thing here is the pilot episode of the 'Headmasters' spin-off series. Now this is just absolutely surreal as the whole thing is in Japanese from its bubblegum punk theme to the language and it's just insane. Yes, it does feature Wheelie which pisses me off no end, but stick around for the end credits where Spike and Daniel attempt to become the Autobot Headmasters in what can only be describe as… well it made me laugh and feel creeped out at the same time. There are also new character biographies and a death list for those who like completeness.
Unicron: Badass planet eating killing machine
The End Bit
Is the film any good? Well of course it is, it's fucking Transformers. There are plenty of cracking action set pieces, a minimal amount of pathos and even more destruction, carnage and killing along the way as the movie practically speeds along for its run time. Yes, there are a few animation glitches here and there and it doesn't look up to much even in its reconditioned form but still, it's giant robots blowing the crap out of each other for an hour and a half with some unexpected bad language thrown in. Probably not one to show to older kids, but if you ever loved Transformers and are going to see the new movie, get re-acquainted with the original and the best one first. *****.