Snakes On A (Motherfucking) Plane - by Liam R
If you have been living under a rock with no access to the internet for a year, you are probably look at that title and thing three words, one of which is “what” and the third of which is “fuck”. And to be honest, you’d be right. In recent cinematic history few films have had titles which tell you exactly what the film was going to be about. ‘Sideways’ was about wine tasting. ‘Human Traffic’ had nothing to do with illegal immigrants. I’ve forgotten the other ones, but you get my point. Snakes On A Plane, well, this was different in not only the honesty of its title but how it became the most anticipated release of the last few years.
It all started with two things. One was on the blog of the original scriptwriter, who told the tale of pitching the movie with its title and later hearing two movie bigwigs discussing something unrelated and using the film’s title as a euphemism for ‘shit happens’. The second was an interview giving by Samuel L ‘The L Stands For Motherfucking’ Jackson who was a wee bit miffed at the film’s name being changed to the rather more mundane ‘Pacific Air 121’. Indeed a further nugget was gleaned when Jackson revealed that he only took the job because of its working title: Snakes On A Plane. And then something truly bizarre happened... the Internet got a hold of it.
Indeed at some point between November 2005 and February 2006 (when I jumped on board) bloggers and other assorted lunatics started making their own trailers, music videos, icons, you name it, they made it. The first trailer (initially launched as a contest for songwriters to contribute to the soundtrack) was released on St. Patrick’s Day 2006 and from that point on, the shit was on. New Line, based off of internet reaction and a certain fan-made trailer, commissioned five days extra shooting to ratchet up the gore, sex and bad language. And the world waited for its release and wondered whether a film with such a ridiculous premise would actually be any good or a steaming turd.
The Film
Sean Jones (Nathan Phillips) is your stereotypical extreme sports junkie until one day he watches the brutal slaying of a top Los Angeles prosecutor at the hands of mob boss Eddie Kim (Bryan Lawson). Now Kim is pretty miffed that his one chance of freedom has been taken away, so he sends his goons after Jones. They fail, thanks to the intervention of FBI Agent Neville Flynn (Samuel L. Jackson) who then convinces Jones that the best thing to do would be to fly back to Los Angeles and testify against Kim. Now when Kim finds out about this he hatches his insane plan…
So as we embark on the airplane we seem to run into cliché city. We get the socialite with pet dog, the hygiene obsessed rapper with video game obsessed bodyguards, stuffy uptight Brit, newly wed couple, horny couple, champion kick boxer, mother and new born baby AND two kids flying alone for the first time amongst other death fodder. We also get the sexist pilot, ambiguously gay or not male stewardess, flirty stewardess and not one but TWO stewardesses leaving, though only one delaying their retirement. So with the clichés on board, Kim’s master plan is revealed: unloading a stupid amount of pheromones on the plane and then time releasing a load of deadly, poisonous and constricting snakes in order to crash the plane. You may have guessed that much from the title. Of course, then the snakes attack…
We get some stealth attacks first (in ‘snakevision’ no less!) as three poor fuckers get offed in the toilets, two of whom should have heeded the stewardess’s warning about removing the smoke detectors, while someone else gets done in the underbelly of the plane. Our doomed flight then hits some turbulence and we get an all out snake attack, and this is when the film really hits its high point. People get bitten all over the place or killed in pretty gruesome ways. You can see who’s going to die a mile off, especially the poor little dog and the uptight English businessman, but you have to wonder what sort of lunatic would stick a hungry 25 foot long Burmese python on a plane in the first place. But make no mistake, this particular part of the film is just a non-stop rollercoaster of blood, venom and stuff which makes you laugh when you really shouldn’t be laughing.
The film then loses a bit of steam in order to catch its breath, before picking itself back up again for the ridiculously stupid ending. Yes its clichéd, but fucking hell its so insane its worth it in the end.
Extras: We get about a dozen or so deleted scenes which just flesh out particular bits of the plot, four or five trailers, some ‘Making Of’ documentaries and a feature about the internet hype that preceded the film. What would have been nice would have been a collection of some of the fan stuff which hit the internet before it came out, but that will probably have to wait for a special edition.
The end bit: Okay the plot has more holes in it than a thirty year old net curtain, the characters are clichéd to the point of rolling your eyes every time one is introduced and there is some exceptionally cheesy dialogue (“Is there a doctor on the plane?” and “Does anyone know how to fly a plane?” being the primary examples). If those sorts of things drive you away from the movies, then this really isn’t the film for you. While it’s not a knowingly ‘so bad it’s good’ movie, its more of a ‘we know is bad, let’s make it good through sheer force of will’. Everyone looks like they are taking it deadly serious, which counters nicely to the sheer lunacy exploding all around. Ultimately, this is a superb beer and mates movie which should be watched with a load of your friends while getting drunk, perhaps as the main part of a creature feature night. It’s stupid, but it’s so much fun you’ll forgive it. *****