Most Haunted Goes To Sea - by Liam R
Streetwise: Alright, where’s the fucking beer?
Groove: And the munchies?
Hotspot: Lads, we’re robots. We don’t eat or drink.
First Aid: Bite my shiny metal ass.
Hotspot: Clever reference. Now I’d best key you boys in for what we’re watching. It’s presented by Yvette Fielding.
Streetwise: She the one with fucking awful hair or the really ugly one?
Groove: You can tell them apart?
Blades: There’s more than one?
Hotspot: And they have these mediums.
Streetwise: Or as we call them down in da hood, thieving honkies!
Blades: That’s not funny, clever or politically correct.
Streetwise: You ever seen a black psychic medium outside of that horrible infomercial?
Blades: ………………………No.
Streetwise: Point fucking proven.
Hotspot: And they go to these haunted locations.
First Aid: I saw a ghost once.
Blades: Like this?
First Aid: Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!
Hotspot: Blades, that wasn’t funny. Now go get him.
Blades: Christ you are fucking heavy.
First Aid: Well that wasn’t funny.
Hotspot: Right shut up its about to start.
Groove: Wait, there on ships. I hate fucking water.
Blades: You’re a robot, and an Autobot at that. You shouldn’t be scared of anything.
Groove: Yeah but I’m scared of water. And Scotsmen. They don’t wear underwear.
Streetwise: But nor does Lindsay Lohan.
First Aid: And even I’d bang that skank.
Hotspot: Guys please. This is serious stuff. They’re on HM Frigate Unicorn and RRS Discovery. This is important.
Blades: No it’s not. They are on ships made of wood and the ocean. There will be a perfectly logical explanation for fucking everything.
Hotspot: You have a point.
First Aid: And a stone has been thrown.
Streetwise: On a fucking boat.
Hotspot: I give up.
Blades: Boss…
Hotspot: No, I can’t take you idiots any more.
Streetwise: But boss, they just called the producer, cameraman, make-up woman and rigger investigators. Besides…
Streetwise: I brought the beer!
First Aid: YAY!
Groove: RESULT!
Blades: No alcopops?
Streetwise: No you ladyboy. Now drink your fucking beer.
Hotspot: Right we have a party now. Let’s listen to the interesting stories of the previous ghost stories.
Streetwise: You bored?
Blades: Yeah.
Streetwise: Where’s Devastator?
Devastator: Right here.
Streetwise: Oh fuck…
Devastator: No worries, just passing through and felt like making a cameo.
Streetwise: Oh fuck…
Devastator: Seriously dude. Chill the fuck out. Peace out!
Streetwise: Oh fuck…
Hotspot: Streetwise you okay?
First Aid: Hah, he soiled his sump!
Streetwise: Devastator!
Hotspot: I know, but he owed me a tenner. Now can we please get back to the programme?
Blades: Why, nothing’s happened yet.
Groove: And never does.
Hotspot: I know they’re right. Nothing ever happens on Most Haunted and when it does, it’s always the crew doing it themselves. Why would they do that? Why would they dupe the viewing public who spend countless pounds. Why would they lie to me? IT’S STILL REAL TO ME DAMNIT! Or is it?