Most Haunted Live Halloween Edition - by Liam R
“When the shit goes down you better be ready” – Cypress Hill
Before we get started, might be a good idea to read the first Most Haunted Live review I did as I introduce all the main players there. Don't worry, I'll wait.
I once read somewhere that what wrestling fans need and promoters fear is a sense of perspective. Now this could be easily applied to fans of Living TV’s flagship documentary/fright-fest/comedy Most Haunted and it’s livetastic off-shoot. Now hardcore (and not in the Jenna Jameson and six ‘man sausages’ way either) fans of the show believe everything they see on the show as the truth, whether it be Stuart Torerereerrvel’s footsteps being mistaken for spiritual communication or the more simple ‘producer smacks someone and passes it off as poltergeist activity’, whereas more cynical, sceptical or open-minded people (i.e. normal people) attempt to find other explanations for the activity presented. Until last Friday, when the shit well and truly hit the fan.
To say this was big news was an understatement. Both LivingTV’s official Most Haunted forum and the Derek Acorah forum called in extra moderators, and while not censoring anything which may question the medium’s abilities (apparently if you think Derek’s a bit dodgy then you get banned instantly) they did start to deny the existence of both Kreed Kafer (Derek Faker) and Rik Eidles (Derek Lies) in the cannon of the TV show. So all this meant, in addition to a lot of big-upping ourselves over at BadPsychics, that there a lot more interest in the show than normal. But that’s when Living pulled a big fat cheeseburger out of it’s sleeve.
You see this years Halloween extravaganza is being broadcast in the United States , and so dedicating a lot of time to a British tabloid’s expose was out of the question. In fact there was no mention of the article in time, but as we go on any undercurrents of tension may surface. Plus we might even get a bit of paranormal activity!
Day One: Tower Bridge
And we’re live from a secret location in the cosy London borough of Hackney and the usual gang of idiots are present and correct, where David Bull not only reveals to us that the broadcast in being shown in the United States but our first location is… Tower Bridge ??? You may be wondering why I am questioning the choice of location, but there is always a good reason as to why I question stuff, especially where Most Haunted is concerned. The reason is that the advertising for the show’s four nights (yeah I’m terrified at that prospect as well) were all centred on the legend of Jack The Ripper. Now I’m no historian, but even I know that The Ripper never killed anyone on Tower Bridge . I’ve also never heard of any ghost stories based around Tower Bridge .
Now the more sceptical people commenting on the show believe that this location was chosen strictly for the American audience, what with Tower Bridge being one of London’s most recognised landmarks (behind St. Paul’s Cathedral and ahead of Pete Doherty asking you for smack). My personal theory is that someone was going to get thrown into the murky waters of the Thames , but as the show begins I still live in hope.
Also of note, is that there is a new member of the team helping out on the investigation. Is it a qualified historian? Another medium? A proper paranormal investigator? No silly, this is Most Haunted and so the new member of the team is a DOG called Max. Why a dog? Well on the last Live show, Max went barking crazy in a morgue which convinced everyone at Antix that he was more paranormally sensitive than that dumb Scouser Acorah, and probably more reliable.
On to the show, and the first phenomena we get is that the lift in the bridge was apparently sent up to where the crew were by itself. This is because “The lift makes a sound when it comes up” according to Karl. So when the lift comes up later, it doesn’t make a sound when it comes up. This is cunningly ignored from there on out. Cath the make-up lady also reports that “it feels heavy in here”. Sorry love, but the only one who is heavy up there is you. A little while later, Derek gets a barb in on Ciaran O’Keefe (who exposed Derek getting possessed by fake characters in The Mirror) which was so vicious that I forgot to write it down.
Another thing I have to mention is that LivingTV trumpet that the show is a ‘live interactive experience’, but what this translates to is a combination of these things: people texting in saying that their electrical appliances and/or pets are going mental; how brave the crew are; and psychic art. And on the subject of psychic art, we’ve got a couple of fantastic examples here (apologies for the shite quality, as I have no TV adapter and thus these were taken on my mobile):
Holy shit!
No, I mean HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!
Yeah, the cheque for your new keyboard is in the post. Other events that happen include script supervisor Rachel ???? (I can’t be bothered to find out her surname) feeling ill and having to leave and let’s put it this way – there a lots of things I’d like to do with her in dark locations, Ciaran using a piece of equipment that makes him look like a pirate (ARRRRR!). and a gong which starts moving on its own. Overall, it’s a disappointing start but there are still three more nights to go. **1/2 (out of a possible *****).
Day Two: Commercial Tavern
Into the deep dark Cockney Badlands we go for the second night of what David Bull will no doubt call ‘an enthralling, fantastic, amazing, terrifying, fellating night of television’ and we start in a pub. Right off the bat, Acorah picks up on the spirit of an old Nigerian man who was murdered. Regular viewers will be familiar with the themes of murder in the spirits that Derek picks up, but just in case we can’t trust him Max the psychic dog is back again. Ye fucking gods.
In a slight aside, while I was watching the tape on Sunday afternoon (I went out on Saturday night and got burned by falling fireworks, sue me) and was playing Football Manager 2005 as Lewes manager. Anyway, York City offered me the job of manager, so I told them where to go. I then lost the Conference South playoff final, which makes me wish I hadn’t lost my last save game when I won the league with Lewes. But enough of Football Manager, let’s go back to the ghostly crap.
Fat Jon the sound guy hears some whispers but immediately feels ill, but this is just a precursor for the insanity that takes place 75 minutes in. It starts with Derek apparently getting slapped across the thigh (oh the irony), proceeds with Max the dog going mental and ends with Karl collapsing with an apparent asthma attack (well that’s what it looked like to my tired eyes). Shall I go back to Football Manager? I think I should but I will soldier on.
A little later, Yvette sends Fingers Felix, My Rachel and that young dude with the northern accent down to the pub’s cellar. When they start experiencing activity, Fingers naturally contacts Yvette to inform her but the look of indignation on Yvette’s face is priceless. Maybe the Mirror’s article has hit a few nerves perhaps? Oh, and Jon The Fat Sound Guy collapses again. Well I say collapses, as some eagle-eyed viewers at Bad Psychics saw Jon moving his feet as opposed to being dragged. And who said this was all faked rubbish?
Coming to the end of a deeply lacklustre evening we go back to the fucking ouiji board, where even more amusing escapades followed. Firstly, Yvette keeps telling Derek to take his fingers off the glass and then he gets possessed. I have to admit to fast forwarding through this, but I thought I’d use some quotes from the Bad Psychics forum to illustrate it:
“it seemed to me that Yvette was deliberately trying to prove to the viewers that Derek's possession was fake.” – amaris
“Clearly now that Derek has his own show Yvette wants to belittle him before he says adios to MH. Maybe Yvette feels insecure now that she has a rival ghost program to compete with; perhaps she feels MH's audience figures will go down the pan because a lot of viewers are DA fans and will move over to his show once he is gone.
So I guess Y&K are going to do a hatchet job on him, discredit him as subtly as possible but without actually calling him a fake!” – diane
“The whole pantomime just followed the same old tired, well established, formula that's been used before.” – oldbluey
“Did no-one else see Derek open one of his eyes sneakily after Yvette asked him how many fingers she was holding up?” – scarer
“Yeah Derek screwed up, he really shouldnt have done the possession, it gave Yvette exactly what she wanted to make him look bad” – admin
Oh well, kinda disappointing but a possession always makes these things worthwhile, but the highlight of the night came out of the mouth of Richard Jones: “It was quite common for the prostitutes to deal with seaman from the port authority” – comedy genius AT ITS FINEST! ***1/2.
Day Three: The Clink Prison And Museum
Well I was really in the mood for the show until the fucking Detroit Lions threw away a game against the Chicago Bears, meaning that Detroit now has to get a better record than Chicago to win the division after coughing up the tie-breaker. Where is this much vaunted offense, because from the recaps its our defense that our keeping us in games and they’re all going down injured. Still, it’s not too late to make a run for the top pick in the draft.
But unfortunately we have to go back to the paranormal bollocks, and right off the bat Derek picks up on a monk or member of clergy, which is number six on Derek’s typical spirit profile. The number one spirit profile is the pregnant maid who was pushed down the stairs by the master of the house. Also Derek seems to be unable to pinpoint who this spirit is, giving him a different name to the actual Bishop who did die in the prison. Just remember, don’t tell any of the hardcore ‘freaks’ as Yvette calls them that Derek’s abilities might not be real.
An apparent jangle of chains gives the crew a chance to ignore Derek as I start to rue not taking more in-depth notes. The crew then all sit around a table Yvette, as sensitive as ever, asks the spirits of dead children to do some tricks for them or they won’t send them onto the other side. Now whether you believe in this stuff or not, that’s incredibly cruel and callous even if the children were alive. I’d like to think that the crew really regretted that decision, but I really don’t think they care when they’re taking swims in the pools of money unwittingly given to them by a delusional public.
On the stroke of ten o’clock, a cash register starts printing all on its own. Ciaran gives a rational explanation for it but it’s never followed up on. Why? They had two fucking hours to track down the tills instructional manual and check the computer system to see if the tills do this normally, but what could (and probably wasn’t) a paranormal incident is shoved to the back for moving tables with wheels on.
Yes, they really brought back a wheeled table to try with their table tipping guff. Now even the most hardened believer can’t believe that four people touching a table with wheels which then starts moving is paranormal, can they? Well I’d like to think that I believe in the paranormal, but the more I watch Most Haunted the more my belief slips away. It’s sort of like the way my brain turned to sludge when I was watching Urotsukidoji III but much more subtle and with less incestual robotic tentacle rape.
And for the coup de grace, during another séance the glass they are spinning around breaks. I don’t like to be the one who points fingers, nor do I want to accuse anyone on Most Haunted of faking anything (though I doubt they’d sue me) but the direction the glass went off the table was exactly the movement that Karl’s finger was making. Coincidence? They then break every health and safety law by picking up the broken glass with their fingers, as opposed to moving their lazy arses to find a broom. They’d fail their First Aid courses if they did that.
No possessions, no comedy séances, no bad double entendres, too much Fingers near my Rachel, no nothing. What a fucking let down. ½*.
Day Four: Blind Beggar Public House
One night was enough, three days was pushing it but as Most Haunted Live reaches it’s fourth night I’m begging for mercy. It’s sort of like having sex when your knob hurts in that you don’t really want to do it, but you’re prepared to stick at it in the hope that something happens at the end. It should also be noted that up until this point the show’s big selling point, Jack The Ripper, hasn’t actually shown up nor have the team investigated some of the murder sites. Tonight is the closest we’re actually going to get to the Butcher of Whitechapel.
Another thing should be noted that by this point I really didn’t want to take notes. I had just got in from football, had a shower and was prepared to go straight to bed but I sucked up all those feelings to make it through one more night. It’s probably a good thing that during the show nothing happened that was actually noteworthy. The first thing I have noted is that the audience member who got to go with the crew to the location looked like Harry Potter. And I mean exactly like him, with the scarf, coat, glasses and poor grasp of non-posh English. It’s like Most Haunted aren’t even trying to hide the fact that the audience members they are pulling out of the crowd are in fact plants, and not the rooty variety neither.
But Harry Fuckface isn’t the only guest on the show, as we also get Max The Psychic Dog and the former Lily Savage Paul O’Grady. It’s a good thing O’Grady turned up because he provided a breath of fresh air compared to the stale and quite boring stodgefests that Most Haunted Lives have become. It didn’t stop him getting emotionally blackmailed by Antix later, but it goes to show that whenever you need to freshen something up, add a camp scouser.
During a séance, Rachel gets cold hands. Well she didn’t Yvette did, but I prefer Rachel as you may have gathered and it doesn’t actually matter anyways. Also the candle on the table apparently moves but the crack camera crew miss it. As per usual. A little later O’Grady and Yvette are in the cellar when O’Grady apparently sees something coming out of a wall. We don’t see it as Yvette has the camera trained so far up her nose we can see the cocaine damage. You’d think that with the amount of money Antix are raking in from this shit that they could afford a few more fixed camera wouldn’t you?
To top it off, the team try another séance where O’Grady gets a message from an old friend called Regina. Now I’m not one to cast doubts on anyone’s abilities, but this information is easily available on google, and emotionally manipulating people like this is just fucking cruel. I really hope that whoever was behind this little stunt has something quite nasty happen to them, and I’m not fucking kidding.
No comedy possessions, more Rachel, emotional blackmail, what a sack of shit. And the Ripper? No stars needed.
The Bottom Line: The good ship Most Haunted carries on without direction, taking on water and heading for sharp rocks. Not even getting rid of Kreed Kafer and replacing him with Gordon Smith (who actually displayed a lot of common sense on Monday – I should have mentioned it but I’m a lazy bastard and was bored shitless) can save it as they’re credibility is just dead. And with what looks like more shit about to hit the fan, they’d best watch da fuck out.