Most Haunted Live 15 Review: Summer Solstice Edition - by Liam R
Blame Dan Akroyd, Harold Ramis and Ivan Reitman for this article. If they hadn’t written 1984’s fantastic Ghostbusters then I wouldn’t have started on a lifelong interest in the paranormal and I sure as hell wouldn’t be writing this. I suppose an equal amount of blame can also be laid at the door of Antix but they’re going to come in for such a pounding from me as I go through this that I’ll let them off for the time being. With all that being said, all my loyal readers are no doubt wondering how I got this far and how bad this article is going to suck balls. So without further ado, let’s start from the beginning shall we?
Liam gets his first taste OF THE PARANORMAL!
It’s a cold dreary night at the start of 2003. Without anything better to do (drugs, alcohol, pornography) I embark on one of my many late night TV Trawls (not to be confused with my Late Night Music Television Trawls you understand) in the vain hope that I might find something, anything to watch when I stumble on a program called Most Haunted way up on FTN and thus was another viewer hooked. Now late at night in an empty house with no lights on I can honestly say I was scared beyond belief - no really - and yet nothing could prepare me for what came next.
As the show evolved, the chinks in the logic behind the program started becoming massive holes - full-blown possessions, orbs galore and any noise in an old house slowly contracting as it gets colder is proof positive that the dead are rising from the graves. Now from a little bit of my own research I have found one common theme which runs through most legitimate paranormal investigations and that is that the activity reported by Most Haunted is roughly the same as a normal investigative group gets in a whole year of weekly investigations and yet Most Haunted gets it all on one night. I also hasten to add as to whether these investigations are indeed legitimate in the first place as they are by their own definition run by amateurs and not fully qualified parapsychologists but I digress.
These massive holes then became a series of galaxy destroying globules of “strange matter” in two separate incidents: “Mary Loves Dick” and the “Kreed Kafer” incidents. In the first, the supposed live footage is actual pre-taped and ends with the crew pissing themselves laughing and in the second, psychic medium Derek ‘Johnson’ Acorah is fed a made-up name (also an anagram of Derek Faker) and then promptly gets possessed by said spirit. To make matters worse, this isn’t the first time Derek’s been possessed by a fictional character but any credibility that real paranormal research is attempting to gain is thrown out of the window in favour of piss-poor acting. Another thing to add in is that the editors on the current series of Most Haunted have been subtly (and by that I mean not very) trying to make Acorah look like a tit. Combine all these factors and the sceptics among us are now particularly looking forward to this live show. It’s almost like the build -up to Survivor Series 1997, but without as many ‘roided-up primadonnas running around.
Introducing the participants
Before we get into the meat of the review (haha, that’s funny) I suppose I had better introduce the cast of characters who will be carrying out the investigation.
Yvette “What Was That” Fielding - Blue Peter presenter turned one woman screaming machine.
Derek “Johnson” Acorah - reserve Liverpool FC striker turned bling-covered psychic medium.
Karl “Kensai” Beattie - Yvette’s husband, qualified samurai warrior and producer turned ghostly punching bag. Tends to see a lot of paranormal phenomena.
Richard “Fingers” Felix - owner of a ghost walk tour in Derby and the old Derby Gaol turned fully qualified historian. Called Fingers due to a suspicion of moving trigger objects (objects set-up and left alone to see if ghosts move them)
Stuart “Ghost Magnet” Torvell - rigger turned paranormal investigator. Again seems to be at the centre of all the paranormal activity. Recently lost all his hair due to faking an assault by a ghost.
Cath “Fondled By Everything” Howe - make-up girl turned paranormal investigator. Constantly getting touched up by ghosts
David “Orange” Bull - Doctor turned orange-coloured TV presenter. Will defend the team no matter how stupid things get. Is very orange.
Julian “Quark” Clegg - slap-headed, big-eared man in charge of the ‘Interactive’ hub who can read the bollocks text messages that come in. For example “my dog just turned into Jenna Jameson when the séance started” and “this show r00ls d00d!”
Richard “No Nickname As Yet” Jones - Historian. Maybe under the influence of Fingers
David “Big Mac” Wells - fat Scottish medium. Has ghosts tell him to wrap mirrors in a nice soft cloth before smashing said mirror on his head (you had to be there I guess). Sweats profusely.
Dr Ciaran O’Keefe - parapsychologist and best mate of renowned sceptic Dr. Richard Wiseman. The only calming voice on the show along with…
Dr. Matthew Smith - parapsychologist and secptic. Is shouted down by EVERYONE (Bull, Wells, The Audience, the FA, the 1991 Denver Broncos) when attempting to offer a rational and scientific investigation for the tripe. My hero.
So with the crew assembled, I’ll layout the review. Rather than go through the research and how they got it all wrong or that it’s all unresearchable, I’m merely going to give a stream of consciousness review from my notes. If anything’s wrong or libellous sue me, because I’d love to see Antix try and prove that what’s going on REALLY is paranormal.
Two more things to note: Firstly, I’m writing these the day after they happen so at the end of each day’s report I have no prior knowledge of what’s going to happen next. Secondly and perhaps most importantly, Day Three is being simultaneously broadcast on Living and FTN. Why is this important? Well FTN is available on Freeview (the cheap free-to-air digital service rising from the ashes of ITV Digital) which means that the number of viewers they can reach is a lot more than being a Living TV exclusive.