Dr. Pope's well hung meat
It appears that those prostrate-grinding self-obsessed wanky Mac adverts are no longer being shown, which is just as well because if I ever have to see David Mitchell sneezing again I will be forced to break into the offices of Parexel, seize a large quantity of their human head swelling drugs, grind them into his soup and give him something really worth complaining about. Public school twat. However, instead I find myself tapping away at my keyboard unable to shake off the jingle from the latest Intel Duo advert. And who can blame me. It is like Cambodia all over again. Take one half good looking Gook bird, get her to dance around a bit and play a vocal of ‘I can give you what you want’ over the top and before you can say Charlie half the middle aged population of the United States will be wanking into their processors. Just a shame Intel didn’t go so far as saying ‘sucky sucky 5 dollar’. Incidentally (or perhaps not) Charlie is the name of my cat. Oh fuck I’ve been done by advertising again.
Speaking of which, I think the Coca-Cola company has a considerable amount of blood on their hands this week. After all, when Korean student Cho Seung-hui found his girlfriend in bed with another guy wearing his Dr Pepper shirt, their slogan ‘what’s the worst that can happen’ probably was not meant to mean gun down a few dozen or so students in Virginia. Reports are suggesting that Cho’s creative writing was so disturbed that he had been referred by a lecturer to the counselling service. What a great job they must have done! It may be wrong to mock a mass murderer, particularly when there is still blood flowing from his victims, but he doesn’t half look like Trey Parker’s Kim Jong Il, which perhaps explains why Cho was so ‘ronery’ The suicide note apparently blames his fellow students for being charlatans. Fair enough reason in my book, Tim Burgess is a despicable cunt.
Elsewhere, Jamie Oliver has got the major arsehole because his father’s pub was robbed by an armed gang earlier this week. In fact, the chef totally responsible for the crime against humanity that was Toploader has gone so far as to offer £150K as a reward so that the perpetrators are ‘ratted’ to the filth. A spokesman for Oliver is reported to have said ‘He’s disappointed and shocked that this kind of thing happens in a small Essex village.’ Now, far be it for me to question the intelligence of the pukka prick that was once offered a placed at Eton , but come on. You said it yourself Jamie. Essex . It is just a bit of a shame really that the gang did not do something for the good of humanity and bludgeon his fathers marble bag with a hockey stick before Oliver was conceived and saved us all from his mockney debauchery.
Faux-pas of the week has to go to Bryan Ferry. When you’re working in a modelling campaign for a company with deep Jewish roots like Marks and Spencer, it probably wasn’t the brightest thing to declare the Nazis were ‘Just fantastic. Really beautiful.’ Mind you, Ferry’s vocals have always sounded to me like an autistic giraffe so it may have been he actually called them jingoist fucking racist bastards. (Speaking of autism, I think we should congratulate the National Autistic Society for taking its work so seriously that they now employ people with names that only autistic kids can say. Please step forward Prithvi Perepa ) Ferry’s words still fall short of the great Gerald Ratner describing all of the jewellery in his chain of shops as ‘total crap.’ Perhaps Ratner should replace Des Browne as Defence Secretary; after all I thought we were supposed to be in an era of open government.
Prince William and Kate Middleton have ended their relationship after 4 years. I’m not sure this even counts as a news story given that it is only covered by the BBC’s spastic brigade of Nicholas Witchell and Jennie Bond. However, I was curious to hear Max Clifford say that he has been approached by several people trying to sell a story regarding the break-up and if Middleton herself spoke to the gutter press she could net millions. Quite why journalists need a few quotes to sell their papers I don’t know. It is perfectly clear why they split – William is gayer than AIDS. And his brother has ginger pubes.
A Scientist in America has conducted research which found that eating too much bacon is bad for your lungs. That’s right folks, these nerds have theorised that eating Smoky Bacon will damage your breathing, not just cause you to pile on the pounds and sweat like a piglet. Of course the dangers of failing to regularly consume Danepak have been long known in the music industry as illustrated by the lead singer of ‘ooh look at us, we are anarchists, we threw water on John Prescott, we’re so radical’ Chumbawamba, appropriately named Danbert Nobacon. However, a far better reason to enjoy a nice tasty bacon and emphysema sandwich is if you don’t, you have something in common with Moby. Vegan shitstain. Bacon should be in everything. It reminds me of happier days when I was a boy scout. One day when at camp one of the older scouts pulled out a porno. After looking at a few pictures, one of the youngest boys asked ‘why does that woman have bacon rashers in her hole?’ The fact that nobody took the time to give him an anatomical explanation may have played some part in why I recently read on Friends Reunited the other week that he has come out. Either that or the fact he had a wank in a full classroom while looking at an elderly history teacher put him off pussy for life.
A final thought for the week. Even if you are well into your organic foods would you really choose to buy lamb chops from The Well Hung Meat Company?