Peter Andre Goes To Space... And Bluewater - by Dr. Pope
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Christ this world is full of crazy bitches. Men around the world still wince at the name of Lorena Bobbitt after she sliced off her husband’s schlong and threw it out of a car, because he was ‘too selfish to give her an orgasm’. Now you can add Jill Martin to the list of bunny boilers after she was convicted of serving her husband a dog shit curry and laughed in his face when he started tucking in. And women have the nerve to complain when they are drugged for sex??!! It seems like the only safe option these days. Bring back the Taliban and keep them in chains.
The Fairer Sex?
Five wannabe terrorists were jailed this week after plotting to kill through use of massive fertiliser bombs. Suggested targets for their campaign included Bluewater shopping centre and the Ministry of Sound nightclub, where they wanted to murder ‘dancing slags.’ Frankly I’m disappointed that the security services closed in on this cell before they put their plans into action, because wiping out the Kentish excrement that sponge off the welfare state and hang out in wankville shopping malls is a good thing for this country. And I’ve not forgiven Ministry of Sound for getting all uppity about the taking of photos of their strippers at their beach party in Tenerife . Party-pooping bastards. Jawad Akbar, one of the convicted was a student at Brunel University where he started an industrial placement in the library as a web developer. Perhaps in retrospect it wasn’t such a good idea to let him archive all the chemistry textbooks and resources. Still, at least he learned something, unlike all the other soap dodging cuntspackers that infest higher education these days.
A typical family day out at Bluewater Shopping Centre
The retarded section of the Great British public, aka readers of OK! Magazine, have been holding vigils this week for one of their celebrity heroes after Peter Andre was struck down by a mystery illness. The failed popstar midget turned dirty trollope shagpiece was reported to have died earlier this week though regretfully he has managed to issue a statement denying this. Doctors have said that the Australian has contracted viral meningitis, though off the record the BMA have said if you sniff around a dirty cunt expect to get disease.
Timmy Mallet hears the news that Peter Andre is dead
Timmy Mallet finds out Peter Andre is still alive
Stephen Hawking took disabled scrounging to a new level this week when he hitched a free ride on a Zero-Gravity aeroplane, something that the able bodied have to pay $3,500 for. All this anti-discrimination bullshit really gets on my tits. Why the fuck do the disabled get free car parking when they already receive travelling and mobility benefits. Back to Hawking and a suggestion that the next time he wants to feel weightless and get out of his chair, perhaps he should take the favoured wheelchair way out and drive into a swimming pool, if for no other reason than to see how his Speak and Spell toy copes in water.
The smug cunts at Apple have had to make grovelling apologies to their customers this week after it was revealed that some of their MacBook laptops have ‘performance issues’ and asked them to check that their batteries do not look deformed. The next time I see Mitchell and Webb on the telly, I fully expect the pie eater to say ‘You’re shit, now fuck off.’ If only they would.
Disgraced Emmerdale actor Ben Freeman discovered this week that he will be going to court accused of raping a British holiday maker in Barbados . Freeman’s defence lawyer had hoped to get the case thrown out because of insufficient evidence but this was dismissed and the trial will begin shortly. Obviously Straw Donkeys hopes that justice prevails, meaning that regardless of whether he is innocent or not, Freeman is locked away for a very long time and has to share a cell with an inmate with a monster cock, preferably with an incurable bout of nymphomania and a fondness for scrawny white butt. Good luck with the trial Ben from your old school friend Dr Pope.
