Aids, school toilets and Uri Gellar - by Dr. Pope
There are many things that I learned from the brief period in my life when I had the misfortune to call Swansea home. I came to understand that an Englishman is not safe in the city centre the night before an England v Wales rugby international - I was pretty easy to spot as I was the only person not wearing a red jersey given I wasn't claiming benefit unlike all the Taffy leek felaters. I discovered that force feeding grapes to wheelchair bound students is culturally acceptable, either that or my victim couldn't speak properly because his mouth was full or he just wasn’t very good at speaking. Bless him, the Disability Discrimination Act mean I had to treat him in the same way I would able bodied people, though stealing the battery from his chair and taking photos of his mucky arse so he got to see what I had to look at everyday probably wasn't necessary.
This week my knowledge of Swansea was enhanced when my suspicions that the women are the most stupid in the United Kingdom . Fadi Sabano has been in court accused of rape after telling a woman that he was dying of stomach cancer but that she could cure him through intercourse. Sabano is alleged to have told her he only had six months left to live, and it was only after 9 months of giving him treatment that the woman started to think he may have been lying to her to get his knob moist. In fact the victim and her mother even gave Sabano the best part of £6k to buy 'expensive' cream to use when he was playing hide the frankfurter. The victim cannot be named for legal reasons. I have my suspicion that these legal reasons stem from the fact she is too stupid to know what it is, and should be branded 'TARD' on her forehead.
and here is another Welsh tard
There was much rejoicing this week after anti-alcohol campaigners were forced into admitting they had been wrong all along and that mass consumption of booze leads to long and prosperous lives. Boris Yeltsin lies in state in Moscow having drunk stupid amounts of vodka during his 76 years. Meanwhile the parents of 22 year old David Rogers must wish he hadn't been such a pussy having drunk himself to death on water after running the London marathon. One of these two men will be remembered for being the biggest piss-head in world politics, the other as a lightweight poof who couldn't handle his H20. It just goes to show that drunks do make the best lovers.
In the wake of the success of 300, some of Hollywood 's leading actors have been showing just how hard they are. Hugh Grant has been questioned by police for allegedly throwing a tin of baked beans at a photographer; Richard Gere faces arrest in India for sticking his tongue down the throat of Shilpa Shetty while Alec Baldwin got tough on his daughter telling her in a voice message that she is a 'rude thoughtless little pig.' Wow, true alpha male behaviour worthy of the Spartans. A far cry from that weakling Snoop Dogg who was banned from entering Australia after failing a character test - apparently it simply isn't butch and manly enough to be 'sipping on gin and juice'. The immigration minister Kevin Andrews very honestly said 'he doesn't seem the sort of bloke we want in this country' before falling behind the excuse of gun crime and drug dealing, rather than just admitting that Australia is a fucking racist shithole.
Tributes have been pouring in for World Cup winner Alan Ball who died this week from a suspected heart attack. Straw Donkeys will remember Ball as the only English footballer to be immortalised in the Muppets.
Alan Ball
Beaker
GMTV have promised to pay back their viewers up to £40million that was taken from them fraudulently through entering competitions on premium rate phone lines where they never actually stood a chance of winning. Anybody who believes they have been ripped off has been urged by GMTV executives to call 0891 50 50 50, leave their credit card details and can expect to receive a compensatory t-shirt within 4 weeks with the wording 'I was conned again as I'm thick as shit'. Penny Smith and other presenters have denied all knowledge of wrongdoings and have tried to pin the blame on the phone operator. Dr Pope has his suspicions of who is to blame.
The latest great idea to tackle school bullying is to introduce unisex toilets with blurred glass walls. The report (possibly produced by Mr I Huntley) commented that ‘toilets are recognised as being a trouble-spot for bullying, with some children avoiding going, possibly leading to continence problems’. What lateral thinking – increase school rape and teenage pregnancy so that the boy who smells of wee can feel more confident! No wonder I fear for the future of this country.
According to the Terrence Higgins Trust a third of university students think condoms contain holes large enough to allow HIV to pass through. Ordinarily I would be outraged at the stupidity of soap dodgers, but in this case I will pass on the opportunity to anal mane their over inflated ego and focus my bile on those who compiled the report. The name is where I have a problem; after all, anybody who trusted Higgins when he said he was clean rather positive is probably pushing up the daisies now too.
And fuck Myspace. After my Mitchell and Webb rant last week, the cunty Mac adverts have come up every time I log in to see how my grooming is getting on. It is almost enough to put me off the kids.