The Unrelenting Horror That Is Music Television - by Liam R
Sky has done great things for us: cheap, affordable, verging-on-but-not-quite-hardcore pornography, teleshopping, the cartoon channels from 601 upwards and more teleshopping. It has also done bad things: the irreparable obliteration of parity within professional football, ‘Is Harry On The Boat’, ‘Mile High’ and teleshopping. But if there’s one thing no-one can agree on it’s the proliferation of music channels on Sky. It’s getting seriously out of control as now the daddies of music television (MTV and VH1) don’t even bother showing videos anymore, and the one’s that do are running numerous ‘special features’ to steal your money away or showing that fucking frog.
And so we arrive here, but how did we in fact arrive here? To put it simply, on Thursday night (the same day as Game 4 of The NBA Finals fact fans) I was hit with an idea of such stunning clarity and rampant stupidity that it couldn’t possibly fail, now matter how badly I wrote it: I would watch two hours of music video television, and rip it to shreds in my own unique way. It couldn’t fail. So on Friday 17th June 2005 at 11:58pm, I sat myself with beer number six for the evening and prepared to be entertained.
Before I go any further, I even set myself some rules for my viewing (this gets sadder and more pathetic by the minute, I know) which went as follows: If the video lasted for (what felt like) 30 seconds, then I’d make a note of it and watch the next video on the rotation even waiting for adverts. ALSO if I changed the channel and adverts were on, I’d change the channel until I found a video. Get it? Got it? Good. Let’s go.
0:00 - Well we don’t get the auspicious start I hoped for as there are cartoons on MTV. I flick up to VH1 which is apparently showing the ‘Top Twenty Most Shocking Moments In Something Or Other’ but which in fact turns out to be ‘There’s Something About Geri’. When the ginger-then-blonde, stick-thin-then-fat-fuck says “pre-menstrual” I leave this visual car-crash to the safer confines of MTV Hits. And what pretentious bullshit do we have on and trust me, I’m going to be using the word a lot. In fact, here’s a competition, tell me how many times I use the word pretentious and I will do an article of YOUR choosing. Back to MTV Hits and it’s Coldplay’s ‘Speed Of Sound’! I hate Christ Martin, not because he’s fucking Gwyneth Paltrow (he can have her as far as I’m concerned), but merely because he’s a soap-dodging student cunt. The song blows goats as well and I have a feeling this article is going to be MASSIVE. HUGE. LARGE (there’s only a dozen people who might get that particular reference, but it’ll be worth it).
0:02 - Onto MTV Black, sorry MTV Base, the ‘urban’ i.e. black station. And we are confronted by a fat Puerto Rican and some goofy-toothed faggot - it can only be Ft Joe & Nelly’s ‘Get Poppin’’. Get popping’? Get fucking pooping more like it. It’s your typical hip hop video - bad outfits, vaguely big boobed ladies, ugly entourage in the background, you know the drill. Fortunately what starts as a piece of shit actually grows on me by the time it finishes. I would also like to say that I can’t believe Nelly ever got near Kelly Rowland, but that’s life I guess.
0:04 - MTV Pillheads or MTV Dance is next up and I catch the end of ‘3am Eternal’ by The KLF in their Hard Dance Anthems. I fail to see what’s so hard about the tune, but I only get thirty seconds until the adverts come on and we get the KING of adverts. All heard of Pimp My Ride? Well it starts off with a pimped out Cadillac before Westwood (he has no first name) booms the promotional line in his son of the bishop wigger mode (while said Cadillac morphs into a Volkswagon Beetle) but the best bit comes at the end. As Westwood is standing by the Beetle, an assistant offers him a cup of tea, and in his most normal voice Westwood replies “Aw cheers mate”. For some reason, this is the funniest thing ever.
0:10 - Still on MTV Dance, we watch CJ Bolland’s ‘The Prophet’ which is also not Hard Dance, more Trance circa 1998. Can MTV be done by Trading Standards?
0:14 - We carry on up to VH2 and their Indie 500 which features ‘If You Tolerate This, Your Children Will Be Next’ by The Manic Street Preachers. If the Manics ever ‘jumped the shark’ it was with this pretentious, preposterous, piece of shit. Seriously, even I was embarrassed when this rocketed to number one, as this wasn’t the Manics of old, more like a neutered version. I have no idea what the point of ‘This Is My Truth, Tell Me Yours’ is as the album can go lick balls. Don’t even get me started on the bollocks video either. And do you know who was ranked after this lot on the Indie 500? GENE? FUCKING GENE! Fuck me, I’m leaving now.
0:17 - We’re on VH1 Classic for the last 30 seconds of ‘Waiting In Vain’ by Bob Marley And The Wailers before our feature presentation: ‘Wishing I Was Lucky’ by Wet Wet Wet. It’s amazing how bad the haircuts were, but seeing Marti Pellow before the smack addiction, long hair and killing the charts with THAT song is bizarrely refreshing. And considering some of the shite which was masquerading as pop back in 1987, this is actually quite good and still stands up. Doesn’t mean I like it though.
0:22 - Up another channel to TMF which unfortunately doesn’t stand for Total Mother Fuckers. The visuals on the screen belong to Timberlake & Snoop’s ‘Signs’ for all of twenty seconds before moving swiftly onto Ameri’s ‘1Thing’. Now this is something I can actually listen to, which is rare for me on an TV trawl like this. I also have to note that there is a late night MatchMaker facility on the bottom of the screen, which I’ll come back to a bit later….
0:28 - after a brief stop on The Box for more Timberlake & Snoop, I move on out of principle to Kiss’s Will Smith Appreciation Night. You know, I don’t get how an artist can put out a decent record and then BANG! get their own night on a music channel. Anyways during ‘Will 2K’ I do a double-take after seeing someone that might look like Jazzy Jeff and in the next song I still have no idea as it really is the Jazzy Jeff for that all-time classic ‘Summertime’. In fact, it’s so classic I go for a piss.
0:34 - Smash Hits! is showing Faith Evan’s ‘Again’ and I though after fucking P. Diddy and Biggie Smalls that she would have just gone away. Anyways for those that can remember the pants ‘I’ll Be Missing You’ tribute to the Notorious Fat Afro-american Guy (see what I did there, ain’t I funny) she’s lost about three stone (sympathy weight for her fat fuck of a husband no doubt) and gained a dozen tattoos which look just wrong. I mean there’s a right way to do it and a wrong way (link is NSFW) to do it and this is wrong. NEXT!
0:41 - Kerrang TV’s Facemelters which is described as thus: “Head-banging, air-guitar playing, jump around, crazy mad-ass rock music. Get it on and let loose with unadulterated, hard-rocking, televisual entertainment”. So which part of that describes The Beastie Boys ‘Intergalactic’?
0:43 - Chart Show TV with ‘Groovejet’ by Spiller feat. Sophie Ellis Bextor. She munts and has a face like David Coulthard. He looks like a giant version of the security guard from Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back who wants to watch the two heroes suck each other off. Song still rocks, mind.
0:45 - Up one channel to The Vault which gives us The Cardigans and ‘My Favourite Game’, a video which features the worst painted on tattoo ever - I’m sure it’s smeared on the actual seat. They don’t show the ending where the car carrying the lead singer (I can’t remember her fucking name) smashes into a truck though.
0:48 - A newish channel is B4 as in B4 It’s A Hit. Actually has a decent and more varied play list compared to the big boys but at this moment there playing Rooster’s ‘Deep And Meaningless’. Well they got half that title right, and the bad sure as hell aren’t deep. I remember reading someone saying that this lot were a new Rolling Stones. I would like to find that journalist and ram red-hot pokers up their cunt or jap’s eye. I’m an equal opportunites torturer. Song blows and is incredibly pretentious to boot, and I’m really beginning to think that this wasn’t such a great idea.
0:50 - another newish addition to the line-up is Fizz. Despite it’s name which is extremely gay to say the least. It again has a more diverse playlist, going from more left-field dance, MTV2 style indie and MTV Base type urban sounds. At this moment we get J Lo’s ‘Hold You Down’ featuring everyone’s fat white rapper Fat Joe who is so enormous that he walks with a limp. J Lo is fine but the song is, well, fucking pony. NEXT!
0:52 - Our magical journey continues to The Amp, one of three Sky owned channels which each deal with a vague genre. This is the indie and pretentious rock version, and thus we get The Ordinary Boys performing ‘Talk Talk Talk’. They sound like a half-rate Kaiser Chiefs and if you’re going to be a crap version of band which is pretty rubbish in the first place then your career is doomed. I take this opportunity to refuel on beer, go for a smoke and have a shit. One hour to go, and I really don’t care anymore.
1:02 - Ah dearest Scuzz, home of the Mullet Man and probably the best out of the three sky channels when it comes to tuneage. And what special gift does Scuzz have for me at 1 in the morning? The Offspring and ‘Gotta Get Away’. Finally after 62 minutes of fruitless searching, tolerance of absolute shite pretending to be music we get one of my absolute all-time classics. The video itself shows one of two things: Dexter looked like a complete moron with those dreadlocks, and bassist Greg’s hair hasn’t changed since this record came out. Bless.
1:06 - Finally to Flaunt, the top channel in the sequence and the last of Sky’s bastard red-haired stepchildren. There’s one thing I’m going to say, and that’s if you’re femal and going to wear a top slashed down past your belly button, make sure you’ve got the boobs to carry it off. Kelly Clarkson, you failed this test, and ‘Since U Been Gone’ is the proto middle-of-the-road shite paraded by Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, et al. Next we get a real woman (not that I wouldn’t fuck Ms Clarkson, obviously) in Beyonce and ‘Naughty Girl’ but can someone explain what the mother-fucking satan sucking cocks in hell Usher is doing in the video. Does he sing, does he dance or is he offering to be sawn in half?
1:11 - MTV Original Variant is showing Coldplay Live but as Christ Martin is a pretentious cunt I skip to VH1 which is SHOCK HORROR showing videos and stuff! Natalie Imboogooleewoogooleeea’s ‘Shiver’ to be precise. More middle of the road bollocks to be fair. NEXT!
1:14 - We’re back were we started seventy four minutes ago at MTV Hits and we get an absolute barnstormer of a video. Now I love Green Day, and I love ‘American Idiot’ but the video for ‘Wake Me Up When September Ends’ goes beyond even Christ Martin’s definition of pretentious. We know you’re against the war in Towelheadland, but to make a SEVEN minute long video about how much it blows is going beyond the call of duty. We’re in Towelheadland, and we’re doing the right thing, all you tree hugging hippies and come round and suck my dick. And Billy FUCKING Elliot? What the fuck were they smoking?
1:20 - MTV Black Base gives us Omarion and ‘O’ which is the gayest form of r’n’b known to man. Hell even the gayboys in Blue would be embarrassed by this childish slice of music, though R Kelly would take certain child, fuck it up it’s ass, piss on it and claim that he didn’t know said child was twelve.
1:23 - Seriously flagging now, and back to MTV Dance and what do I get for my fucking sins? M fucking People that’s what. ‘How Can I Love You More?’ wails Heather Small. For starters you can get the fuck off my TV.
1:24 - MTV2 has 120 metal minutes which equates to THRASH BOLLOCKS. First up, twenty seconds of Slayer’s ‘Divine Intervention’ followed by Cult Of Luna with ‘Salvation’. I don’t like thrash whatsoever.
1:30 - VH2 has more of the Indie 500 and the spotlight falls on Radiohead and ‘Stop Whispering’. All I can say is flowery shirts and bad haircuts = very gay video. Song is kind of passable though.
1:34 - Back to TMF and the alcohol kicks in proper. Not only is Rob Thomas (ex of Matchbox Twenty and that fucking Santana record from a few years back) and ‘Lonely No More’ but the X-Rated Matchmaker is still in effect. So what does a drunk man do? Texts in of course, but what female name did I use? Abi? Jennifer? No you retards, my beautiful and beloved obviously. And do you know what the resulting match was? Are you on the edge of your seats? Here we go then, mine and Liz’s love match was: “86%. Great dick, Great pussy. Liz is hot hot hot!!! When’s the wedding?” So if Liz is reading this, and I know she’s a big fan and all, I have one thing to say - Let’s Get It On! NB I also did another one involving the same names and got this back: “86%. This’ll be sex using the whole of the house. Liz is quite sexy when shaven. There will never be a dull moment in the bedroom.” I’m a sick little boy.
1:38 - The wonder that is Kiss gives Mariah Carey and ‘We Belong Together’. She has cracking boobs, but the song sucks monkey balls.
1:40 - Smash Hits! Annoys the hell out of me by playing Kylie (what the fuck happened to her surname anyways) and ‘I believe In You’ which is shite beyond belief. NEXT!
1:41 - Two for the price of one over on Magic, firstly giving me enough of Blue’s ‘Breathe Easy’ to make me want to die, and secondly serving up Lonestar’s ‘Amazed’. It’s a shite record which got pounded by Capital and it’s sister stations back in the day but the video is awful: Old men, ugly birds, bad song, move along, nothing to see here. At least I’ve only got fifteen minutes to go.
1:46 - FHM/Q brings back old legends from the past as Montell Jordan wants to ‘Get It On Tonite’. Well I don’t, I just want to go to sleep.
1:49 - Kerrang gives me a whole minute of The White Stripes ‘Seven Nation Army’ which is half the song and therefore allows me to move channels. After The Offspring, this gets second place in the Tune Of The Night contest.
1:50 - Please let it be long! Oh fuck no, it’s Chart Show TV and it’s Kelly Osbourne ‘singing’ her new record ‘One Word’. It’s a dance crossed with Linkin Park thing and sucks. Moving on.
1:52 - Over on B4, we get the theme tune to the new Fantastic Four movie, as performed by Anastacia and Ben Moody, the fat twat who used to be in Evanesence. It’s at this point I turn the volume down and listen to some mp3s on my computer, as the song blows. Anastacia still has cracking boobs, despite being quite manly looking. The Fantastic Four movie should, on account of it’s cast, rock. We’ve got Julian McMahon (nympho male doctor from Nip/Tuck), Michael Chiklis (slaphead from The Shield), Ioan Gruffuf (Imdb’s spelling not mine - the taff from Titanic) and Jessica Alba (duh!) so it’s only bad writing that can bring this down. I presume George Lucas isn’t anywhere near this?
1:55 - Five more fucking minutes to go. The orgasmic relief at this isn’t readable on any chart or scale. So what do I get on The Hits? Christina Fucking Aguilera and The Ugly Bad-Tootthed Tossbag Nelly ‘performing’ the truly diabolical ‘Tilt Ya Head Back’. Nothing in the world could possibly be this painful.
1:58 - Last stop is Channel U for Jay-Z and ‘Song Cry’. I don’t even bother watching the video for the need of a cigarette, but all I can say is that this was a REAL bad choice of single. And with that done, one hundred and twenty minutes of watching nothing but music videos comes to an end.
So what have we learnt from this little experiment? Well, the most glaring thing is that most videos are shite. Very , very shite. Secondly, watching non-stop music videos for a few hours can be really bad to your mental health. Thirdly MTV, which actually started this all off, doesn’t actually play videos apart form between 2am and 3am. Fourthly, Westwood is God. And finally, me and Liz McClarnon are meant to have hot, sweaty monkey sex for the rest of my lives. I know she’ll read this eventually. Give me a call, you know it makes sense. And one more thing, how many times did I say pretentious in the end?