The Hit Parade Volume Four Issue Twelve by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore
And verily it came to pass that just after half past ten on Wednesday the 21st of May the football gods finally smiled upon the universe, and lo Manchester United took possession of their third UEFA Champions League title. Well, took possession is a bit strong, more like a smash and grab raid eerily similar to the one they perpetuated on Bayern Munich back in 1999 or Liverpool's one on AC Milan in 2005. So in the cold light of day it's time to piece through the wreckage of the most dramatic night for me since 1999… even if I did wuss out and go for a drive rather than watch the shoot-out. First half, Man United could and perhaps should have been 3-0 up and coasting but went in 1-1. That seemed to galvanise Chelski (or the West London Plastic Communists to give them their proper title) who then proceeded to boss the game, smacking the post before the end of normal time and Fat Franky Pam Lard twatting the bar in extra time. Still, The Giggler should have put the game beyond doubt seconds before the end but for the "Herculean" efforts of the "brave, courageous, Mr Chelski" John Terry. And so to the shoot-out. Ronaldo choked after trying to psyche out Petr Cech. Nicolas Anelka with the final penalty looked for all the world on the way to the penalty spot as a man who bottled it. But the biggest bottler was Terry. There he was, twelve yards out, the Champions League title practically in his hands… and he choked, slipping on a patch of grass all thirteen other penalty takers had managed to stand tall on. I doubt if he will ever live it down, whether the constant replays will ever leave his mind, hell, whether he'll ever be the same player again. I do like Terry as a man (actually, not really, as he's another player who's self-importance has been over-inflated by an eager media), but I'm pleased that everything Chelski stands for - the hounding out of Mourinho, the inevitable sacking of Avram Grant, the annoying (and small) section of the fan base who seemingly think that two back-to-back titles means they are a big club and never saw a game during the dark days when they were in what is now the Championship - was destroyed on a spot kick by their most public face. In the paraphrased words of Kevin Keegan "I loved it when we beat them, absolutely loved it".
It's That Time Of Year Again: From about 8pm on Saturday night, the nation will be subject to the barrage of cheese that is the Eurovision Song Contest and in a move that some may see as surprising, the entry from Sweden has been installed as early favourite. How is this possible, seeing as Eurovision sees centuries old rivalries and hatred played out in bizarre fashion i.e. all the Baltic states will vote for each other as will the former Soviet states, the UK won’t vote for Germany, Ireland won't vote for the UK, etc. Well those cunning bods at Eurovision are running two semi-finals this year and have split states who seem to vote for each other apart so there will be (hopefully) none of the block voting fiascos which have blighted the competition in years, and so we can hopefully not have midget lesbians winning this year but a Swedish woman who looks, erm, somewhat manly.
About Fucking Time: Some people may think I have a problem with emo. In fact, I don't but fuck me if it's not derivative crap made by people who are old enough to know better. On the other hand, my patience towards the Red Hot Chili Peppers expired at approximately 9:45pm during the Saturday of last year's Reading Festival when after about 45 minutes of whiny, wanky, self-indulgent crap delivered by four people who would rather be anywhere else in the world I simply walked off (as did many other people, a lot of whom I suspect bought day tickets just to see them). So it should come as no surprise that the band have split up, or as Anthony Kiedis says "not doing anything Red Hot Chili Peppers related for a year" which in fact means they haven't split up and are on a one year hiatus. Look lads, you gave us one great album in ten years and a whole lot of shit and piss poor live shows. Please just give it up now, spend your money wisely and never, ever go near a studio again. Thank you.
Sweet, Sweet Justice: The man who forced the Backstreet Boys and N*Sync (and as a direct consequence, Justin Fucking Timberlake) has just been jailed for 25 years in the United States after defrauding various financial institutions and normal people to the tune of $300 million. The judge, obviously feeling sorry for the fat bastard, has agreed to reduce the sentence by one month for every million dollars he repaid. Isn't that sweet? Not sweet enough to purge the memories of all those awful, awful records the two aforementioned boy bands produced though, is it?
Finally: DRM, or digital rights management is the single most infuriating part about buying stuff from online musical download shops. Napster, who I happen to shop with, have been mostly useless in this regard as everything I download/buy off them I have to burn onto a CD, re-burn onto my computer before moving onto my now defunct MP3 player. However, Napster has now made a majority, if not all of their tracks available without the pesky DRM so you can now move tracks onto most portable players… including the iPod while songs downloaded from iTunes will still only be compatible with the iPod. The ball is now seemingly in Apple's court.
The Rant Corner: At about 1:15am in the morning on this coming Saturday, the NHL will get the Stanley Cup Finals match-up it's been dreaming and praying for since the sport returned from its year long exile. In one corner, you have the Detroit Red Wings: the most successful team based in the United States , and third most successful team of all time behind the Maple Leafs of Toronto and Canadiens of Montreal. They are captained by Nicklas Lidstrom who upon retirement will walk into the Hall Of Fame as one of the best, if not the best, defenseman to ever play the game. The Wings were the class of the League during the regular season, snatching the Presidents Cup for best record and guaranteeing them home ice advantage throughout the entire playoffs. Their opponents are found in the form of the Pittsburgh Penguins, who have taken the mantra of the new NHL (more skill and more speed) and skated away with it. They are lead by the best player currently playing the game in Sidney Crosby, who was talked up in terms of Wayne Gretzky and Gordie Howe as a legend in waiting years before he had even been drafted by a professional team. He's ably backed up by Evgeni Malkin, who may well be the second best player in the league. The Penguins have steamrollered through the playoffs, culminating with a 6-0 thrashing of inter-state rivals Philadelphia and now the best two teams in the league will meet in a seven game, winner takes all series… and the NHL has been dreaming about this for three years. While I can't prove it, the League desperately wanted Crosby to be drafted by a big team, preferably an Original Six team like New York or Boston or Detroit or Chicago but he instead ended up in Pittsburgh . Now Crosby finally gets to shine on the biggest stage of all in a match-up which will be heavily hyped until it starts and has all the potential to deliver up to seven games of classic hockey. Sid The Kid versus Hockeytown. Mark it down in your diaries, it should be one hell of a ride.
Quick And Dirty Hits: Steven Tyler has gone into rehab. This is not news… Will Smith has donated $1 million to a school of Scientology . Good lord, someone save him quick or else he'll back Bad Boys Three… A handwritten set of yrics to John Lennon's "Give Peace A Chance" are expected to be sold for £300,000 at auction. I hope they weren't written on a napkin… Beyonce is not "rock and roll" according to Tina Turner. Well, duh…
Claire relieves the gigantic workload off my shoulders by tackling the charts, and as such listened to them so you poor fuckers don't have to.
10. September: Cry for you (Hard2Beat) - Oh my fucking god, who buys this shit?? This is proof that deaf people shouldn't be allowed in HMV, or allowed to download shit.
9. Estelle feat. Kanye West: American Boy (Atlantic/Homeschool) - I don't like it, nor do I hate it, it just exists. I think it's safe to say we have our first "Meh" of the week........
8. Coldplay: Violet Hill (Parlophone) - Bloody hell! What happened to Coldplay and their songs about mung beans? Who cares! This is much, much better and dare I say… "Single of the week?" Love it!
7. Usher feat. Young Jeezy: Love in this club (Laface) - More annoying than when i put my pants on the wrong way. (And yes, I DO do this)
6. Sam Sparro: Black & Gold (Island) - Jeremy Clarkson, Boris Johnson or Richard Madeley?? You have to sleep with one of them, or you have to listen to this record. What do you do?? You do Boris of course.
5. Wiley: Wearing my rolex (Asylum) - If someone put this single next to a big pile of steaming cowshit, and said point to the shit.... I think we know where this is going don't we?
4. Will I Am featl Cheryl Cole: Heartbreaker (Interscope) - Won't win any awards.... a bit like Cheryl's husband really..............
3. Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake: 4 Minutes (Warner Bros.) - Liking it very much now, mainly because of the video, Justin likes to keep older ladies happy apparently. WooooHoooooooooooooo!
2. Rhianna: Take a bow (Def Jam) - I like Rhianna, but I can't understand why she keeps coming up with such bland tosh. Can do so much better. Nice hair though.
1. The Ting Tings: That's my name (Columbia) - This just reminds me of Daphne and Celeste.... It may grow on me, hopefully not.
