The Hit Parade Volume Four Issue Eleven by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore
Bit of a short one this week, and I can't keep trotting out the "slow news week" excuse time after time because it think I've already used it about a dozen times this year which in itself is an achievement because I've not wrote twelve Hit Parades this year. I suppose at times like this I actually regret changing up the format when I took over from Joey on this series, but I think we all know that if it had stayed as an op/ed piece week after week we wouldn't have made it to the 100+ issues we've got through so far so in a way… ah, fuck it, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Still, outside of teh internets, I'm ploughing back through the Harry Potter saga again and am thoroughly enjoying it and have just ordered the first four movies on DVD just so I can compare and contrast… plus I don't think I've actually seen Chamber Of Secrets in its entirety so along with that and World Of Warcraft I may not actually leave my room aside from the obvious needs for food and beer. Yes, I do lead an interesting life full of social interaction so stop laughing at the back.
Kill It, Kill It With Fire: P*** D****** and A** W******** are quite possibly two of the three people I honestly wish death upon on a regular basis, and this week they're both back in the news again. D****** has been released after serving 29 days of a 70 day sentence for various drug offences, despite being filmed in jail doing heroin. Yeah, that whole 'rehabilitation' thing that prisons are supposed to enforce worked out real fucking well didn't it? W******* on the other hand has had her proposed collaboration with producer Mark Ronson for the next Bond theme shelved due to conflicting reasons: A**'s people say its because she wants to do it a different way, Ronson says it's because she's too strung out on drugs to record. I'm leaning towards Ronson's way of thinking, even if he did steal a Brit award for pushing some buttons. Anyway, I have come up with the solution to the problem of the starred out celebrities: Pay Per View Celebrity Hunting. Each week, the public pays Sky £10 and then they can watch a live hunt for the latest celebrity, ideally ending in a brutal killing. I'd pay good money to see someone shoot either D****** or W******** on live television because at least then they would have done something constructive with their lives.
No Witty Teaser: It seems that every week I either pick fun at emo bands or laud bands for giving stuff away either for free or in a different way which screws over the record labels. Emo bands are easy targets as they're musically bland with lyrics that a 16 year old would laugh at for being "a bit gay". Bands who give stuff away for free on the other hand, or are merely using different methods to circumvent the vampiric nature of their labels, are fully deserving of my praise. Nine Inch Nails have made their new album available completely free, which follows the last promotion where they made 9 tracks available for free and the whole set costing $5. Of course, frontman Trent Reznor has been telling fans of his to steal his music constantly as he realises that he will make more money from touring than album sales. Also this week, Coldplay made their new single available for free but as they are extremely dull, they only warrant this line.
Fulfilling My Story Quota: Normally, I stay away from articles that have no redeeming value, but this time I decided against it. Earlier this week, a photographer from a Florida newspaper was beaten and robbed outside a nightclub. Again, nothing extraordinary about that but it seems that said photographer was attempting to get pictures of R&B artists Rihanna and Chris Brown (who I have never fucking heard of) inside the club and was denied entry. Later, he tried to get pictures of the two as they were leaving the club which is when bodyguards for the two decided to get medieval on his arse. You see, this is what happens when you let the paparazzi demand high fees for pictures of celebrities, and also when celebrities employ Neanderthals as their bodyguards to fend off the paparazzi. It's an ugly vicious cycle that would stop if everyone just stopped buying fucking bullshit like Heat and OK! And Hello!
Quick And Dirty Hits: Ice T is to perform with the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra. Wait, what?... Cliff Richard was denied the win in the 1968 Eurovision Song Contest due to vote rigging. And there is nowt witty to follow that up with… Avril Lavigne has had to cancel gigs after losing her voice. Pray to your personal gods that she never finds it again… Mariah Carey has apparently got married to actor Nick Cannon. I know, I didn't even realise that The Hit Parade had become a down-market version of Heat magazine either…
The Rant Corner: I think over the last few weeks and months, I have made my feelings on the entire sub-genre of emo perfectly clear: I fucking hate it. Musically, it's tolerable, but fuck me if the bands inhabiting the genre don't fuck me off to high heaven. Listen guys, you're in your mid to late twenties so stop fucking moaning about how "different" you are, how much you feel the "pain" of your fans when they're singled out for looking different and above all, stop fucking whining about how much your youth sucked. You're now rich and famous, so stop acting like a bunch of attention whores. With that out of the way, I now find myself in the unenviable position of having to actually defend emo from two sets of people: parents and the media. On the way to work on Thursday morning, I read the awful tale of 13 year old Hannah Bond who hung herself after an argument with her parents. But reading The Sun's reporting of the tragedy, you'd think that My Chemical Romance were behind the entire thing seemingly linking the suicide back to the band, as well as all the other typical emo traits like self-harming and dressing in black. Of course it's not My Chemical Romance's fault that any of this has happened, and this is the second time the band have been targeted by a conservative tabloid in this country. You see, this whole "emo" thing is simply another re-incarnation of the age old battle between kids and their parents, only this time instead of The Beatles and The Stones its mediocre emo dirge that is hogging the limelight. And it's not even as if emo hasn't been around before (In Utero, The Holy Bible, Alice In Chains, etc.) but as it has slowly become popular due to the awful make-up of today's musical landscape, it has now become the target of people who simply don't understand it, much like rap and the grime genre has been thought of as the sole root of London's teenage gang problem. It's pretty easy to blame the parents for not keeping a closer eye on their kids, it's pretty easy to blame emo as a whole for making kids act this way, but at the end of a day, a thirteen year old girl is dead and there's a whole lot of questions to be asked, just don't go looking for easy answers.
To ease the misery of me having to write something even vaguely positive about emo, Claire will take you through the misery that is the chart run down….
10. Scouting For Girls: Heartbeat (Epic) - My single of the week, as it does not offend, is quite jaunty, and as you will soon see, it gets worse as we count down people...........
9. Pendulum: Propane nightmares (Warner Brothers) - Given the title of the song, and the fact I have not heard it, one will assume it's a summer warning song about gas B-B-Q's. Be careful out there...
8. Will I Am feat. Cheryl Cole: Heartbreaker (Interscope) - Forget Will I Am, it's "No U Aint" still in the Cashley/Cheryl boudoir...
7. Flo Rida feat. T Pain: Low (Atlantic) - I'm trying to think of some scathing and witty retort. I fail. Fuck off and die, like two weeks ago.
6. September: Cry for you (Hard2Beat) - The above single has only been brought by girls called Chelsea who own shite handbags, this is FACT.
5. Estelle feat Kanye West: American Boy (Atlantic/Homeschool) - I failed twice............
4. Usher feat. Young Jeezy: Love in this club (Laface) - This is shitter than a big pile of shit with a sign sticking out of it saying "I am shit."
3. Wiley: Wearing my Rolex (Asylum) - Liam likes this, which makes me wonder why I like Liam??????? (Because I'm full of panda gorkiness, that's why - Liam)
2. Sam Sparro: Black n Gold ( Island ) - No it's not awful, but it's not worthy of a number two is it? <----- insert poopy gag here.... (I'm fresh out of poopy gags - Liam)
1. Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake: 4 Minutes (Warner Brothers) - 4 minutes is how long it would take me to get my clothes off for the Trousersnake, 4 minutes is the time it would take Madge to crush Liam with her man arms. And it's taken me 4 minutes to write this drivel... just think what I could achieve if I put in the effort! Damnit, I'm having a school flashback!!!
The Final Word: Is taking a break because Liam is too fucking lazy to find one.