The Hit Parade Volume Four Issue Ten by Liam R
It's another slow news week, in what seems to have been five months of slow news weeks. Do musicians go into hibernation like small furry animals? I hope so, because there are some musicians that I wish would go into hibernation permanently but to list them all here would be folly and so I choose not to. I am also at a cross roads with regards to this column as I know that I don't generally listen to the radio any more, nor do I watch any of the music channels and so I have no idea what is currently popular which I guess kind of makes me a fraud in some ways. The truth is, there isn't that much good stuff out there any more, as the charts are being strangled by production line pop, wanky emo or identically sounding Brit guitar bands. Where are the innovators, or people just making something with a bit of edge? I swear if I hear one more record with an angular guitar line that's striving to sound like Bloc Party I may well have to kill the next person I see. I can also thank God that the stereo in my car doesn't work, because if it did I sure as hell couldn't listen to the radio if the charts are any indication of how shite radio is at the moment. Right, with that out of the way, let's get down to business.
I'll Stay At Home Thanks: After my diatribe last week at every misguided idiot (and possibly closet racist) blaming Jay Z for Glastonbury not selling out, more details this week were released. Joining Jigga, The Verve and Kings Of Leon … wait, the Kings Of fucking Leon are headlining the Pyramid Stage? Are they out of their fucking minds? Now the Kings Of Leon are a good band, but they are severely lacking in charisma and they haven't done nearly enough in their career to deserve such a prestigious slot. Anyway, some of the acts confirmed are Shakin' Stevens…. wait, is that a fucking typo? No? What the fuck are these people smoking? Aside from Shakin' Stevens we have Panic! At The Disco… wait, Panic! are a fucking shite emo band (and believe me, Jimmy Eat World aside, there's a LOT of shite emo bands out there) , how the fuck did they blag a slot? Thank fuck I'm going to Reading and not the poser festival that is Glastonbury.
It's The Future, I've Tasted It: I reported back when it was news that Radiohead's idea to let fans decide how much to pay for their last album was a cracking idea in theory and probably gained the band more cash for it than the traditional methods. It seems now though that it will be just a one-off for Oxford 's premier weirdoes, claiming that it was just something they had to do given the situation they found themselves in. What it will do, and though I can't tell with any certainty, is that more bands will use a method this way to cut out the immense profits record companies skim from album releases which in turn could lead to the labels themselves giving performers higher payouts from royalties and the like. Of course, bands still need to get out on tour to make the real money, but it seems that it means rock stars will continue to be significantly richer than us all but maybe a little bit more in touch with what the public want.
Sometimes, The News Just Writes Itself: It seems that China is constantly in the news due to the oppressive regime and bouts of violence against other people. But in a move which is absolutely hilarious, the Black Eyed Peas have defied a boycott of the country to play a gig there. Speaking the BBC, frontman Will.i.am said that it wasn't fair "to punish a whole country"… And that there kids is the entire joke! I fucking cannot stand the Black Eyed Peas, and inflicting them on China is about as terrible a punishment as I can think of. Still, I really don't need fucking musicians telling me how I should think or act with regards to the world in general as let's be honest, they're not living normal lives are they?
Great Albums As Chosen By Me: Oasis have been responsible for some truly terrible things, like the invention of the term 'dad-rock' and the brief flirtation with fame enjoyed by the truly fucking awful Ocean Colour Scene. They have also in recent years put out some truly diabolical records, of which their third album 'Be Here Now' was a textbook lesson as to why you should never, ever under any circumstances record an album while under the influence of huge amounts of cocaine. So while Oasis aren't nearly as relevant nowadays as the Gallagher brothers seem to think they are, it's easy to forget that at one point they were simply the biggest band in the country and that reputation was formed well after the release of their towering debut 'Definitely Maybe'. Now there are two major missteps by the band here in the awful forms of 'Shakermaker' and 'Married With Children'and even they aren't as dire as some of the band's more recent output but when compared to the other tracks on here they're the worst points. 'Supersonic' is the track which pretty much sums up early Oasis, with the drum intro leading into a wall of guitars, and then when Liam unleashes his nasal drawl the swagger and arrogance that typified the early years is given shape and form. 'Rock & Roll Star' is the perfect opener and along with 'Bring It On Down' they show that there may have even been a slight hint of punk lurking behind Noel's Beatles fixation, as they are dispatched at breakneck speed. Things do slow down with the gorgeous 'Live Forever' and 'Slide Away', two songs that should go down with 'Wonderwall' and 'Don't Look Back In Anger' as Noel's legacy. While it's easy to dismiss Oasis as past it now, you can't help but go back to this album and see why they got where they are now. It's big, load, brash, arrogant and slightly more grounded than long time rival's Blur's output and with an infinitely longer shelf life and one of the better debut albums to have ever seen the light of day.
Quick And Dirty Hits: Britney Spears will reprise her role in US sitcom 'How I Met Your Mother'. Not seen it, not caring… Jimi Hendrix will become the latest famous person to have a sex tape released. Not caring either… 'Bat Out Of Hell' was recently named as the favourite song of drivers. Fuck that… Two of Elvis Presley's friends are disputing his secret visit to England . Is this really that fucking important?...
The Rant Corner: And so it came to pass at just after ten o'clock on the evening of the 30th April 2008 , the very first all-English final of the Champions League was confirmed. In one corner, you have Manchester United, twice winners, the second most successful club in England , fighting on a wave of emotion tied to the 50th anniversary of the Munich air disaster. In the other corner, you have Chelsea, a club that has never been considered in the upper echelons of English football and whose legacy is concerned with a brief period when they were the Kings of the Kings Road, and who came within a whisker of going bankrupt through most of the 90s and the early part of this century until they were saved by the billions of Roman Abramovich. Quite what this country is going to be like come the final, I have no idea but when you take the former 'Most Hated Team In The Country' up against the current holders of that title, most people will probably be bunkering down and pretending the world doesn't exist for a few days. Me? I just really want to see Chelsea lose, and that's not just because I'm a United supporter either, I just hate everything they stand for that's all. Yes, I know it's rather ironic for me as a United fan to call another team out for buying a title, but the core of the dominant United team of the last few years was generally homegrown with the Neville brothers, David Beckham, Scholesy, Giggsy & Nicky Butt all coming up through the ranks. Who have Chelsea got that's come through aside from John Terry? Aside from tit-for-tat petty arguments over money, my main problem with Chelsea winning the title is their own long-term health, a point which was made by, of all people, Jamie Redknapp (who is really starting to impress me as a pundit, if only he would STOP towing the Sky line about every match being the greatest match in the history of the planet) during last night's match. Before Abramovich came along, Chelsea were losing money hand over first and now they're spending even more what's going to happen if Abramovich gets tired of pumping money in and walks away? If you think what's happened to Leeds was bad, what could possibly happen to Chelsea could be much, much worse. They don't have a large stadium like Arsenal or United (and in the future, Liverpool and Everton) to generate the revenue needed to pay the stupidly high salaries they are currently shelling out, their fanbase has shown it can be fickle (a half-full Stamford Bridge for a Champions League group match) and the complete lack of history of greatness that teams like United, Liverpool and even Leeds have means that if it crashes (and it might not) the results may not be pretty. My mate Martin seems to revel in the fact that his first Chelsea game was in the division below and away to Luton. Should Chelsea 's sugar daddy decide that he's had enough, he may well see that level of football again.
Been a while since I did this, let's see if I still suck...
10. Scouting For Girls: Heartbeat (Epic) – Accent heavy piano driven rock as made famous by Athlete, but this is a bit more up tempo and, well, shit.
9. Duffy: Mercy (A&M) – Fuck off die you bint.
8. Will.I.Am: Heartbreaker (Interscope) – In a moment of what can only be described as genius, Napster doesn’t have a copy of this for sale meaning I don’t have to fucking listen to what is probably going to be a piece of soul-less shite on a stick. Then Napster goes and finds it and it IS a piece of soul-less shite on a stick! Surprising that would happen from a member of the Black Eyed Peas…
7. Usher feat. Young Jeezy: Love In This Club (Laface) – Sounds like a horrendous re-imagining of The Street’s awesome ‘Blinded By The Lights’. But as you should know by now, it’s fucking diabolical.
6. Flo Rida feat. T-Pain: Low ( Atlantic ) – He can rap (just about anyway) but what the fuck is it with these cookie cutter beats?
5. September: Cry For You (Hard2Beat) – Oh my fucking God, I thought we had left this sort of bad cheesy trance back in the 1990s. We haven’t? Oh fuck it, where have I been for the last few years?
4. Wiley: Wearing My Rolex (Asylum) – Oh this is the fucking bomb! Buy this, buy it now. Single of the week, maybe of the year. Could the douches that made the record above listen to this as THIS is house music.
3. Estelle feat. Kanye West: American Boy (Atlantic/Homeschool) – There is nothing wrong with this track, apart from soundtracking my mate Martin getting headbutted in Portsmouth .
2. Sam Sparro: Black & Gold ( Island ) – Looks like a twat on the cover, record isn’t that terrible. I wouldn’t buy it though.
1. Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake: 4 Minutes (Warner Bros) – Argh! My fucking ears!
The Final Word: "Call this a sport? In ancient times man either swam for his life, ran for his life, or in my case, fought for his life. What ancient man didn't do is get in his car and drive away" - Classic Mick Foley goodness.