The Hit Parade Volume Four Issue Nine by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore
Well last week was skipped, but that was my own fault as I was snowed under at work and only sat down to try and throw something together at the last minute. What I eventually did throw together was so unbelievably awful (yes, even more awful than my normal output) that I just junked the whole lot and ignored the site completely. Hey, it's not just women that can change their mind a lot you know? Along the same lines I was considering junking this week's column as well as there was a significant lack of any sort of interesting music news at all, but as Claire took some time to do the charts for me I thought it would be supremely lazy of me to not do anything, so if everything I write sucks, that's my fault as my heart wasn't really in it. Claire's bits are awesome as ever, but mine are very, very sucky. And even more sort of along the same sort of lines, I'm contemplating banning the reporting of newsy items involving any of the high profile emo bands that are currently taking up space in music boutiques across the land. The reason for this is that they're all really getting on my tits and are pretty interchangeable and generally do nothing but make me want to break things. Still, they present easy enough targets as they're all pushing 30 and STILL moaning that they had shitty childhoods, got bullied at school and didn't get to sleep with anyone. You know what boys, you're all famous so cheer the fuck up and give me a reason not to call you a whiny bunch of pussies will you? And yes, I do see the inherent irony in me screaming at emo bands for being whiny when I have used this very column to do exactly the same thing. I can get away with it because I'm not nearly as angry as I was two years ago, or so I'm told anyway. Right, enough moaning, on with the normal goodness.
Bucket Of Rock Salt For Delivery To Hell: I would like to preface this by saying that I really can't stand The Hoosiers. Not only have they made some mind-numblingly annoying records, but they come from that shit hole up the road from me that you all know as Reading . Still, over recent weeks I've warmed to them as they generally don't take themselves too seriously and following an interview with singer Irwin Sparkes in Wednesday's copy of the Metro, they raised further in my estimation. When discussing his opinion of the roll of musical toilet tissue that is the NME and the magazine's voting of them as 'Most Hated Band' he was very philosopical, saying that he didn't mind when the publication also made P*** D***** their hero of the year when the aforementioned Babyshambles frontman for the past year has been the drug taking lack of oxygen we all know. Sparkes then went even higher up in my estimation by saying that 30 Seconds From Mars, fronted by Fat Jared Leto, were up for 'Most Hated Band' as well and probably deserved it more. I tend to agree, as 30 Seconds From Mars are simply the worst abortion of a band I have ever had the misfortune to listen to. Maybe someone should do a Mark Chapman to the band so I never have to listen to any more of their fucking awful emo shite.
I Wholeheartedly Concur: Yahoo! Music have released a random list of the 25 worst rappers ever, and there's no surprises that Vanilla Ice takes the top spot followed by MC Hammer. Other such luminaries that feature on said list include Bubba Sparxxx at twenty three (a little harsh in my opinion), Nelly at twenty (well he hasn't actually made a decent record aside from 'Hot In Herre') and The Insane Clown Posse make it to number 16. And seeing as he has seemingly disappeared off the face of the earth since his last album vanished without a trace, the truly terrible Fred Durst makes an appearance at number 5. Of course if you've ever heard some of the truly diabolical tracks he made with legitimate rappers on his albums, you too would think he deserves sole ownership of the number one slot. However, as Limp Bizkit's first album is actually quite good, even that doesn't rescue him and so I can only pray that he stays wherever he is for a long, long time.
Good Lord: It would see that not a month is allowed to pass by without some sort of Beatles related story passing through the media, and whenever it does happen, it always tends to be a big story. Hell, Paul McCartney's recent divorce battle against that one legged lunatic was front page tabloid fodder and a lead story on the news for its entire duration and even now it's still rumbling on. Anyway, the latest Beatle type thing to go to court involves Yoko Ono who is trying to get an injunction against a film maker for showing footage of her late husband smoking drugs, lest it tarnish his legacy. Erm Yoko, have you listened to some of the drugged out songs the Beatles produced? The only way Lennon's legacy could be tarnished is if they made a truly diabolical film about his murder and got Fat Jared Leto to play the killer. Wait? What? They already have? And it's shit? Fuck me, will wonders never cease!
The Rant Corner: Noel Gallagher has largely been thought of as the most sensible brother in his family, but this week he said something which makes me think he really has had to start believing his own sense of importance in the world of musical entertainment and a spokesman for a generation of British guitar bands. In case you'd missed it, Noel claimed that the reason that Glastonbury hadn't sold out was because of the organisers getting rapper Jay Z to headline Friday night. The general gist of Noel's argument was not anything against rap itself, but that Glastonbury has traditionally been about guitars, drums and bass, an argument which has been shot down by headlining sets on the Pyramid Stage by Orbital, The Prodigy and The Chemical Brothers. Hell, Noel should know first hand how little pull his own band has as when they headlined the main stage against The Prodigy one year, people actually left Oasis' set to go and watch Essex 's finest rave crew. He does have a point that Jay Z, despite having sold shit loads of records and being the best rapper alive (in my opinion anyway), isn't the sort of act that should be headlining Glastonbury's Main Stage. The Other Stage maybe, or third or second on the bill on the Pyramid, but not a headline on the Main Stage and to blame one act as a failure for the event to sell out is a little short sighted. The fact is that the weather at Glastonbury is almost always crap and in the last few years has gotten progressively worse, and it's now seen as some sort of corporate and celebrity retreat while expanding its capacity to the point where there will be more people at Glastonbury than live in Slough . Still, I'd rather see Jay Z than Oasis as Noel should finally start realising that his band ceased to be relevant, ooh, eight years ago and their mantle as biggest band in the country has long since been seized by other bands.
Quick And Dirty Hits: Foxy Brown has been released from jail. I'm still not giving a fuck either way… A** W******** is up for three Ivor Novello awards. You know, if you stop paying attention to these people, they will eventually go away… Amy Lee of Evanescence will not be dueting with Metallica. And thus the world is saved from two shit tastes that would taste even more like shit once combined… Elvis Presley once visited England . I have absolutely no idea why this even qualifies as news… Richie Sambuca of Bon Bugger A Badger Jovi has been sentenced to three years probation for drink driving. You'd think he could hire a chauffeur… Janet Jackson says she'd be upset if her brother Jermaine is gay. I suppose having a paedophile brother with a melting face is normal then…
Great Albums As Chosen By Me: The Internet can be blamed for a myriad of things, like the increase of vore porn and all other manner of nasties that you really wish you'd never seen but can't purge from your mind no matter how hard you try. And as with every new technological advance, the music industry pounces on it like a particularly peckish anaconda, crushing you to death with technological buzz words that were dreamt up by faceless suits in meetings in dull offices. The net revolution has given us the truly awesome Arctic Monkeys, but for every success there is the unmitigated shit like Lily Allen and Sandi fucking Thom to contend with, so it makes a refreshing change when a band gets big relying simply on word of mouth like the Arcade Fire. Now this Canadian band are one whose name I had heard continuously from many people, and so a few years back I decided to check them out at Reading and was moderately impressed, but that was that until I got 'Funeral' for Christmas and then my opinion changed, as they are now simply one of the best bands on the planet that you've never heard of. The main focus for many people will be tracks like 'Rebellion/Lies' a weird proper disco punk in a bizarre roundabout sort of way and the colossal 'Wake Up' which I erroneously attributed to the Deftones when I first heard the intro to it but there's a lot more goodness in here. 'Power Cut' probably stands out for me as it's so simple and has a deadly use of a xylophone melody running through it, and the spell-binding album closer 'In The Back Seat' which starts very quiet and tender before exploding into a veritable wall of sound. While it may not be as immediately engaging as some albums are nowadays (there's only two tracks which could qualify as singles) it rewards its listener with its depth and subtlety, never forcing the pace, but is also so short that you have to listen to it again and again. And let's be honest, not repeatedly listening to something like this which is seemingly stripped of the over-produced sheen and emo-wank histrionics that currently dominate the charts would be a shame of the highest order. So on a Sunday morning, grab a cup of coffee and put this on, it's pure bliss believe me.
Because I'm tired, and she's funnier than me, Claire runs down the charts for you lovely, lovely people. You know, you could send her an email for her efforts!
10. Kooks: Always where I need to be (Virgin) - I like it. They won't blow you away, they wont inspire me to wreck my new coffee table by dancing on it, but I like it.
9. Last shadow puppets: The age of the understatement (Domino Recordings) - Not heard it if I'm honest. Though they get top marks for a great band name. This is what happens when you say "Lostprophets" when you're drunk....
8. Duffy: Mercy (A&M) - Ironic isn't it? The very thing she sings of, and she refuses to give us any... just fuck off.
7. Mariah Carey: Touch my body (Def Jam) - From what I can gather, Eminem did, then he went mental..... Poisonous bitch.
6. Usher feat. Young Jeezy: Love in the club (Laface) - Utter bollocks, it has the word "feat" in the title which never bodes well, and someone called Jeezy. Video is shit, this is shit, so the chavs will spend their benefits on it. This is where your taxes are going people.
5. September: Cry for you (Hard2Beat) - Again, I haven't heard it yet. So will reserve judgement, though my money is on me going for option A which is "More bollocks than a field full of bulls and more shite than what comes out of Naomi Campbell's mouth."
4. Flo Rida fea.t T Pain: Low (Atlantic) - *speechless*
3. Sam Sparro: Black and Gold (Island) - Sounds like a cockerneeeee doesnt he?? Bet he isnt, bet he's a Brit school fop....
2. Estelle feat. Kanye West: American boy (Atlantic/Homeschool) - I hate it, but it sticks in my head so job done then. But I refuse to download it. I'm not paying for his questionable sunglasses habit....
1. Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake: Four minutes (Warner Brothers) - Really liking this now, video is great, but oh fuck me sideways with a savaloy is Madge wearing her nan's underwear?? It makes me want to pull my skin off. Nasty stuff.
The Karma Whore's Final Word: Dilemma time this week folks, It's a bit like daddy or chips, except it's Killers or Manics, Killers or Manics..... I'm torn, will my mind be made up by August? Will Richie ever return? And why do I want Nicky Wire in a dress? The more I think the more I cannot decide, I listened to a track from each band earlier... I STILL DONT FUCKING KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(It was "Somebody told me " by the Killers Vs " Motorcycle emptyness" by the Manics) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargggghhhhhhhhh!!
The Final Final Word: "I got the chance to meet with the Sesame Street peeps in New York. Talking about maybe doing a Clandestine Sesame Street collaboration. That would blow my mind as I grew up on all that. We'll see, nothing set in stone yet." - Fall Out Boy's wanker-in-chief Pete Wentz. Just fuck off you useless, talentless fuck wit. If I ruled the world, this fucking idiot would be the first twat to get shot (yes, even above all the chavs in the world) as he serves no purpose whatsoever. You want to sell fucking clothes, go work in a fucking shop.