The Hit Parade Volume Four Issue Eight by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 21. And I wasn't even trying]
For four long years I have been painfully writing and maintaining this website. Has it been fun? Occasionally, but most of the time it's a long, painful, fiddly, irritating and time-consuming process. Gathering together the choicest newsworthy items, mixing them up and throwing them into a Word document for publishing to teh internets is the easy bit, but making it all look shiny? That's the annoying bit. Still what this is all leading to is that at some point in the next two months (I have a week off at the end of June) I will go about revamping the site. All the back-end shit like the filing system and that sort of crap will stay just where it is as I like it this way, and the article pages will stay the same as well (though I am toying with the idea of increasing the font size - that's how dorky I am) but the main index pages will be re-designed because we don't have a forum but we will have something to replace it very soon, possibly of the nature of the blog or something like that. However, if anyone actually says that we are part of the blogosphere, a term which almost made me throw a brick through my parent's television when it was uttered on the news last night, I will personally hunt them down, murder them and rape their still warm corpse. I refuse to be pigeon-holed into terms devised by social retards who still live with their parents, write diaries and call themselves journalists. Oh shit, I just described myself…
She's Getting Senile: Despite possessing a cracking set of cans according to the Karma Whore and a pair of arms that would scare even the most drunk of people looking to get laid, Madonna this week have proven yet again that causing controversy by simply opening your mouth before engaging your brain is one of her few remaining talents. This time, Old Man Arms herself has compared the treatment of Britney Spears at the hands of the paparazzi to the suffering going on in Africa . So on one hand, we have the supposed mistreatment of a mentally unstable attention whore whose musical career went down the shitter some years ago being compared to the mass genocide, starvation, poverty and ethnic cleansing which goes on on a daily basis throughout Africa and they're the same fucking thing? For fuck's same Madonna, get your head out of your fucking arse and realise that the second you sign a record deal your privacy is not yours any more. And if you are in obvious need of psychiatric help as Britney is but are unwilling to help yourself, well, tough shit I'm afraid. There is no comparison here. Not at all.
Will Someone Please Think Of The Children: The problem inherent when broadcasting live music is two-fold. One, a lot of music these days includes swear words. Two, most musicians are really childish and like to emulate the Sex Pistols by swearing when they know they're being broadcast live. So it should come as no surprise that the BBC got a slap on the wrist from broadcasting regulator OFCOM in the wake of six, yes SIX, counts of bad language being broadcast before the watershed. Six fucking counts? Pathetic really. No what really is mind-boggling that the decision to censure the BBC came after an even more pathetic 22 people wrote in and complained about the use of bad language. Do these people have too much time on their hands? Do they know what their kids listen to in their bedrooms? Do they fuck, they just like writing catchy complaint letters to delude themselves into thinking they're "making a difference" when all their doing is making other people think they're fucknuts of the highest order. Bollocks to them all.
About Fucking Time: You can run all you like, but it seems that you cannot hide forever. What the hell am I on about? On Tuesday a judge finally sentenced P*** D****** to 14 weeks in prison after he broke the conditions of a suspended sentence he was handed last year by failing a drug's test. The worse bit about this news is that the useless twat could possibly be freed in seven weeks, and I hope that the British legal system does everything in its power and beyond to keep him in jail for the full term. While I was warming to D****** recently due to his distinctive lack of appearances in the tabloid gossip columns and also by the sheer erosion of my opinion of his music (I am now in the position where it doesn't drive me to insanity when I hear it) the fact that he couldn't keep himself clean is somewhat of a disappointment. On the other hand, the useless fuckwit has escaped proper punishment for so long it's actually a rather joyous day here in the Donkey Stables so I will raise a cup of coffee to the judge for having the bollocks to stick it to a celebrity who for the last five years has deemed himself to be above the law. Oh, and the chance that D****** will get bum raped repeatedly while in jail makes me smile just a little. Is that evil? Who fucking cares!
I Shouldn't Laugh: The Fall are one of those bands whose name I keep hearing but I have yet to actually listen to a single song they have recorded, so aside from being John Peel's favourite band I have my doubts as to whether they actually exist. Still, singer Mark E Smith brought the unintentional comedy to an interview with Uncut magazine with his, erm, different views on animals. In the article he says that he set about a red squirrel with a pair of hedge clippers, and that he wouldn’t have a problem running over seagulls for fun. Now I really shouldn't laugh but the thought of an old man running after a squirrel with a giant pair of scissors and then jumping in his car to play Grand Theft Seagull is more amusing than it should be. Still, the RSPCA are now investigating as apparently slaughtering an innocent red squirrel is against the law due to their status as an endangered species, and I hope that he does get locked up for it though the P*** D****** saga doesn't give me much hope. Straw Donkeys would like to point out that cruelty to animals is not funny, and does not condone it in any way, shape or form.
The Karma Whore Corner: Hello there you stinky arsed bunch of reprobates… Nowt like trying to win your audience over is there?? I’m here to rant, there’s zero planning gone into this, so bear with me if I waffle. Two things have slightly narked the Karmawhore this week, well three if you count the bus I had to sit on Monday that smelt of wee. The first is just a teeny tiny thing. Well, Tyra Banks if I’m honest. This is entirely my own fault due to perversely subjecting myself on a regular basis to various episodes of ANTM. That’s America’s Next Top Model, for those that don’t know. I have no problem with the show, it is what it is, a beauty contest, but recently I found out I would be (if I were pretty )(which you are - Liam) a plus sized model if I ever decided on that career path. Now I’m not one for swearing (shut up Liam), but WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I know I’m not a teeny tiny person BUT seriously! The girl that was meant to be a plus size model was smaller than me. So officially, I’m a heffalump… My response? A box of M&S blueberry puff biscuits and a lot of fingers being stuck up at Tyra Banks (and not down my throat). The world is fucked up. Speaking of fucked up, the whole Diana debacle has come to some sort of conclusion, I would normally feel relief that this crap is finally over. But I’m not that stupid, it will go on and on and then some. Let me tell you how I see this. Three people died in a car, it was an accident. Sad for their families. End of. If only it were that simple eh? I’m sick to death of the conspiracy theories, I’m sick to death of adverts for Diana memorial plates/biscuits/lighters and headscarves. She is fucking dead! She aint coming back, she wasn’t that fab and she still annoys the fuck out of me from beyond the grave, only a mother should have that right. At the end of the day, she was an inbred, big nosed daft bint who thought marrying a man who clearly didn’t love her was a good move. Harsh I know, but I’ll admit her work for charity was well thought out and well executed and in that sense she did some good. But that is it, if doing a bit of charity work makes you a bloody martyr then surely Heather Mills should be some sort of living saint? (She has done a lot for Help The Aged, or did she just fuck the aged??) I’m sorry for her sons, I believe she was a decent parent, but dragging it on like this, for what purpose? She died in a car, if she had bothered with a seat belt she may still be here, and the driver was drunk. Where’s the conspiracy? Maybe the Royal family should go to claims direct and sue Al-Fayed for employing a drunk? Or maybe, just maybe, we should all find other more worthy people to worship. Ones that aren’t dead would be a good start………..
Great Albums As Chosen By Me: I have tried to get into that horrific genre known as emo but I just can't do it. The current glut of bands at the top just leave me… well for lack of a better phrase, they leave me cold. There's no substance, no edge, just shrieking histrionics to get across the ANGRY mood, quiet reflective vocals to reflect SADNESS and guitar solos all over the shop when the over-wrought lyric well runs dry. So depending on your point of view you can thank Jimmy Eat World for the current emo craze but to cast them in the same light as their poorer yet younger peers would be doing them a disservice as they made an album in 2001 which quite frankly pisses all over anything that has been released under the description of emo ever since. 'Bleed American's main advantage is that (much like the exceptionally bland Fall Out Boy) is that they cover their emo stylings in proper rock and it works better, and (unlike My Chemical Romance) there is no wailing and shouting to get the point across. Take 'Get It Faster', the age old staple about the cheating other half which in the wrong hands could have been chock full of swearing, shouting and screamingbut here is just simply given an air of menace from the ominous sample heavy opening through to the sneer in singer Jim Adkin's voice. The band's primary focus is just general rock and in 'Sweetness', 'Praise/Chorus' and 'Bleed American' they achieve that with tremendous gusto but they can also do bittersweet pain and misery on 'Your House’, a desperate plea to a lover who's leaving. But the true triumphs come at the very end of the album with 'My Sundown', a song about death that is simply nothing less that beautiful and 'Hear You Me'which regular readers will know form the basis of my favourite memory in my entire life time. So if you think emo is all about pretty boy transsexuals pretending to play bass or a load of made-up Queen wannabes shrieking hysterically about how much their middle-aged lives sucks, listen to this and wash the pain away.
Quick And Dirty Hits: Kylie Minogue has claimed that her cancer was initially mis-diagnosed… A foliage sculpture of Ringo Starr has been beheaded after he had the cheek to say he didn't miss Liverpool . What, do you expect a witty put down of scousers?… Kylie Minogue has said that she respects the medical profession a day after slamming the medical profession for mis-diagnosing her cancer… Ashlee Simpson is to marry untalented pre-op transsexual Pete Wentz. Poor Ashlee… Blondie are touring again. A FUCKING TERRIFYING picture of Debbie Harry which went with the article is here…
Well Claire's on a roll, and doing the charts because I'm too fucking lazy.
10. Nickelback: Rockstar (Roadrunner Records) – Hey hey, I wanna be a rockstar... and get banned from driving. I'm bored, can I go now?? (No! - Liam)
9 Chris Brown: With You (Jive) – No idea who what why or where, and I never will.
8. Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake: 4 Minutes (Warner Bros) – Will probably grow on me, but for now all I will say is she has great tits for an old bird, and if he had ginger hair, I'd be incapable of walking........
7. Leona Lewis: Better In Time/Footprints In The Sand (Syco Music) – Again, not an awful offering from the curly haired pop idol/big brother/I'm a celebrity winner. Can't remember which one she actually won. They have all blurred into one horrible malevolent pile of brain numbing bollocks.
6. Mariah Carey: Touch My Body (Def Jam) - Fresh from her triumph at this year's Grand National, Comply or Die.... What? She's NOT a horse? Well fuck me. Don;t touch her body, that would be wrongness of the highest level.
5. Duffy: Mercy (A&M) – Stop lingering like that stubborn bit off fat on the tops of my thighs, I'm sure I had an anti-Duffy cream here somewhere....
4. Sam Sparro: Black & Gold (Universal) – What? Who? Where's Top of the Pops gone, and why is there no Kajagoogoo??
3. Kooks - Always where I need to be (Virgin) - I like it, but my opinion isn't worth the piece of fag packet it's written on... go figure.
2. Flo Rida feat. T-pain: Low (Atlantic) – I refuse to even listen to this, just because of the name of the artist. Fuck off, we all know your real name is Wayne Brown and you're from Grimsby .
1. Estelle feat. Kanye West: American Boy (Atlantic/homeschool) – Liam likes it, and last time I checked he had ears, so fuck knows what that's all about. Not awful, but the fact that it's No.1 should prove what a steaming pile of dog shit the rest of the charts will be................
The Final Word: "He looks like a council estate Jake Gyllenhaal" - Claire on Jonathan Togo. Well he does. A bit. I suppose.