The Hit Parade Volume Four Issue Six by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 7. Well, there is a lovely lady writing here]
Well here I am, on a Thursday afternoon writing the last Hit Parade before I leave to the United States of America and who should drop by to lend me able assistance to complete the column? Oh yeah, the Karma Whore is back and the quality output has rocketed by 200%, and she also noted that I neglected to put a link up in the 100th issue of the Hit Parade to the very first column, which is in that text which is blue before these words. Which leaves me struggling to throw something together in order for my readership to browse for the next two weeks while I take a well earned holiday. Did you know that I haven't had a proper holiday since 2001? Probably not as I have never mentioned it, but a proper holiday I haven't had so I figured that I needed one and am taking it. So in the mean time, there's another article on the front page accumulating the latest inductees to the Straw Donkeys Album Hall Of Fame, and Great Albums As Chosen By Me will return for all the weeks in April. Well, four weeks anyway. After that, I'll start finally cracking on with finishing the other things I have in the pipeline that I have been meaning to finish for a while but just haven't got around to (*coughWorldOfWarcraftcough*) just yet. Seriously, I'm aiming to make this the most productive year in this site's history! Honest! Anyway, I think I've rambled and waffled on for long enough, on with the column.
Dance Fatboy Dance: It may seem strange to a few people but I have fuck all sympathy for the attention whore that is Robbie Williams. Yes, he had a cracking run of form at the end of the last century and start of this one but since then he has slowly slid down the shitter into obscurity and his own delusion sense of self-importance, while his former band have reunited and have gone from strength to strength (relatively speaking of course, as I can't fucking stand Take That). This past week saw The Fat One reach a new series of bizarre behaviour as during an interview conducted by Joss Stone (who I would tap but only on the condition that she never said a word) for radio that he was tempted to give up his pop career to search for aliens. The reasons for this are his increasingly lunatic claim that he has been visited by beings from another planet three times and also witnessing a UFO while recording in Los Angeles . And there was me thinking he had already given up his pop career.
The Never Ending Saga Of Britney Spears: It should come as no surprise that the 'Is Britney Mental' saga has been dragging on for far too long to the point where I have absolutely no fucking idea what the hell is going on. Is she pregnant or not, single or not, mental or not, I really haven't a clue, but it was deeply amusing earlier this week when she was photographed after getting clocked in the head by a pole. No, not the immigrant type, the cylindrical shaped ones that inhabit construction sites around the world that she just happened to walk into, and yes, this incident was reported in the British tabloids. Who says we have nothing better to fucking talk about? Anyway, getting away from the lunatic fringe, the latest twist in the saga of just who is in control of her *ahem* 'business interests' occurred this week when a lawyer by the name of Jon Eardley claimed that it was he who represents Britney and there was not some legal thingy enacted before Britney's dad took over control of her stuff. See, I'm even trying to dumb this crap down and it's making my head hurt.
Can he take a hint: It took The Prodigy almost a decade to follow-up the million selling ‘The Fat Of The Land’ album, and the resulting ‘Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned’ was alright, but not exactly ‘Music For The Gilted Generation’. Portishead have now finally got a release date for their third album, ironically (or maybe not ironically, I’m never sure about using that word. Let’s go with coincidentally instead) a decade after their last album was released and much like The Cardigans who have just released an album after along time away (and boy has Cardigans singer Nina become insanely tapable) they said that they almost went insane in the process. You do realise that this is just an excuse to make a cheap gag at Axl Rose’s expense for the continual no-showing of ‘Chinese Democracy’.
The Karma Whore Corner Returns: After a cracking weekend of footy viewing, I feel strangely compelled to write a few words. Sport is normally Liam's bag, but being a fan of the beautiful game, I feel nearly as qualified to waffle on about the subject for a paragraph or so. This blustery, wet Monday morning, fans of Portsmouth , Barnsley , West Bromwich Albion and Cardiff City may be feeling a bit warm and fuzzy inside, their bellies may indeed be fizzing. They wont give a flying fuck about the weather, and why should they? We now have four unlikely teams in the final four of the FA Cup. If you said to me at the start of the season these teams would be in the last four of the FA Cup, I'd have told you you had clearly overdosed on the sauce. But that's why I love this game. Especially the FA Cup, anything can happen, and when that anything happens to Man Utd or Chelsea it's all the more sweeter. Man Utd were a tad unlucky, but luck counts for a lot in this game (and not Louis Vuitton manbags, Ronaldo you tart) But Chelsea, by all accounts were out played, By a side that had more heart, more determination and a considerably smaller wage bill. And it's easy to see why, Chelsea were arrogant, they EXPECTED to win, they took it as a given, and did the bare minimum. Barnsley ran their socks off, were at them like terriers and didn't let up for ninety minutes, they played like it meant the world, which it clearly did. And the determination and heart that those guys played with very nearly moved me to tears. God know I shouted enough at the telly, on Saturday afternoon I became an honourary Yorkshire man, and will stay in that frame of mind until Barnsley go on to win the cup, which I'm convinced they can do. So, Ronaldo, Essien, Ballack and Rooney, do yourselves a favour, re - watch this weekend's games. Then I hope you realise that it doesn't matter what car you drive, how many Louis Vuitton products you own or how obscenely overpaid you are, if you don't dig in, and find that determination, and that love for the game you claim you have, you will never ever experience the glorious high those boys from Barnsley, Cardiff and West Brom are feeling. All that money and bling means nothing when your dead inside does it? I think the lesson here is simple, if you give a player everything his little heart desires, they want for nothing, but expect everything. And that's not going to win you much is it, especially not respect. Also I would like to be a tad indulgent now, and say well done to West Brom for tonking Bristol Rovers 5- 1. The Ipswich Town legend that is Tony Mowbray is manager of WBA, and our Mogga is still very well loved here in Suffolk . Good work fella, I'm chuffed to bits for you.
Quick And Dirty Hits: Ancient R'n'B combo Dru Hill have reunited… Madonna is to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Ye gods… Ancient R'n'B combo Dru Hill have split up again… The Game has been released from prison after serving eight days of a sixty day sentence. Pussy… Leonard Cohen is going on a world tour… Bruce Dickinson has written a horror film. Methinks it will be entertaining… I always thought the NME was a brown-nosing rag, but this takes the ever fucking piss… Muse’s next album will reportedly have a ten minute space-rock solo. I believe they may not be taking the piss… The London Astoria is to close due to the future CrossRail development. Such memories will be coming next time…
Well she seems to be on a roll, so I'd best let Claire lay waste to the Top Ten this week.
10. Rihanna: Don't stop the music (Def Jam) - I like her haircut, if the record was as good as the hair I wouldn't mind. But it's the equivalent of an 80's perm. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but then you realise you have to live with it and the more you brush it, the bushier it gets, and eventually you end up weeping on your bathroom floor. Tragic really.
9. Flo Rida T Pain: Low (Atlantic) - Again, something else that seemed like a good idea at the time, naming your child that. Here's a warning to all you potential parents out there, give your offspring a shit name, and their only career option will be this, releasing shite singles and being mocked by non chavs. Though I'm sure it wasn't the name they were given at birth, if it was it wouldn't be their fault, as this is probably a name they chose themselves, it's double the tragedy.
8. Westlife: Us against the world (S) - SHIT! They have finally realised were out to get them here at Donkey's and may arrive armed. Am I scared? Nope, no one can survive boiling oil and flaming pigs, though having said that, I heard that's what happens at one of those Louis Walsh/Michael Barrymore bum love parties.........
7. Alphabeat: Fascination (Charisma) - This has actually grown on me, though I blame MTV for playing it to death (wait, since when did MTV start playing videos again? - Liam), however, a word of warning, the couple in the video look like members of the Hitler Youth movement, if you look into their eyes, your sex bits will shrivel up like a prune. If there ever was a candidate for "people who look related yet still shag each other" these two would win it hands down...
6. Basshunter: Now you’re gone (Hard2Beat) - Have they lost their Bass? has it gone? I don't know, and my failure to care has hit new heady heights. I'd rather listen to Daniel O' Donnell, seriously, I would.
5. Taio Cruz Ft Luciana: Come on girl (4h & Broadway) - Having heard about twenty seconds of this, I know I'd rather lick Chris Moyles' sweaty bum crack. If that doesn't prove that the single buying public have appalling taste, nothing will.
4. Onerepublic: Stop and stare (Interscope) - One of the better singles in this weeks top ten, but given the competition, it's nowt to be proud of. Not shit, not good. Just sort of there really.
3. Nickleback: Rockstar (Roadrunner Records) - Great vid, decent tune, another Nickleback classic, but classic is not always good. Just means you know the words without realising why.
2. H Two O feat. Platnum: What's it gonna be? (Hard2Beat) - I think it has to be a double lesson in spelling really doesn't it? I bet his real name is Simon, and he lives with his mum........
1. Duffy: Mercy (A&M) - She can sing, and looks ok, and she is Welsh. Wonder what her real name is? Myfanwy probably. I'm bored of it already.... next!
Claire's Final Word: I'm going to change my name to Proncess Minxy feat. Panda Beat, and become a professional twat. Make lots of money, and spend it all on sweets, and holidays in Ibiza , it seems the only way forward......
The Final Final Word: “Something’s wrong with my girlfriend” - an unnamed Kansas man after informing the police that his girlfriend had been stuck on the toilet for two years. Not tied. Not glued. Just refusing to move.