The Hit Parade Volume Four Issue Five by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 18. Birthday swears!]
Well, well, well, happy birthday to the Hit Parade! Through fire, flood, mental breakdowns, apathy and holidays we have finally made it to our hundredth edition and I doubt that even the long departed Joey Sarajevo thought that it would stick it out this long. Fuck, even why I took it over after about two dozen issues I had my doubts as to whether it would stick around. And for a historical perspective, I've included the very first edition as a link on the font page, but if you're too fucking lazy to go back and click it, here's the link again. The original format for the Hit Parade was for Joey to do an op-ed piece about something about music, and then finishing off with a chart rundown because at the time, he thought that the charts sucked. When I took over, I doubted that I'd be able to consistently write op-ed pieces so instead I stole news items from various sources, commented on them and then threw whatever various features (Great Albums As Chosen By Me (returning in April), Top Ten Reading Moments) I could to pad the column out before running down the charts. When Claire came aboard, we were gifted a rant section whereby anyone who was writing could vent their feelings in any way they felt like it, and that feature has now stuck. So compared to when we started, we can all feel quite proud that we have made it this far, and we can't wait for the next milestone which is issue number 250. One thing is a definite though, and that is that if this column still exists to make it to number 250, the charts will still suck fucking donkey balls. And with all the reminiscing done with, let's get back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Insert Obvious Headline Here: Over on Fark, there is an expression called 'this thread is full of win' which can be used in either a sarcastic or normal way. Its general usage is for when someone says something so blindingly obvious or funny that they win. Anyway, this story of which I am about to describe can only be described as 'full of win'. After the disaster at their infamous Altamont gig, the Rolling Stones decided that using motorbike gang the Hell's Angels as security wasn't possibly the best idea in the world and fired them. The Hell's Angels were not best pleased and so decided that the only way to get revenge was to murder Mick Jagger. How they proposed to achieve this was to get a boat and sail up to Jagger's New Jersey house like pirates, but the plan was foiled when a storm rolled up and sunk the boat. Being the rock hard geniuses they are though, the Hell's Angels decided that they really couldn't be bothered to try and kill him again. And yes, I'm only using this story because it has a tenuous link to pirates.
MEGALOLZ: Some of you may have watched the BBC's wretched 'The One And Only' but if you didn't here is a brief recap. Much like Stars In Their Eyes, it was a show designed to find the best tribute acts in the country and it now seems like someone may have fucked up royally as actor's union Equity has stuck their oar in. It seems that someone, either the BBC or producers Endemol haven't actually paid any of the, *ahem*, "contestants" for taking part in the show. Whoops! But aside from the main prize of the show, a three month long headline tour in Las Vegas , what really was the point in it? I mean, X Factor and it's horrendous offspring is bad enough, but a cheap knock-off of Stars In Their Eyes? Are the main TV networks so bereft of ideas they're starting to cannibalise others for ideas? Fuck it, I'm glad I stick with Sky and endless re-runs of CSI, The Simpsons and Futurama. And some documentaries.
I'm Sure Someone Somewhere Cares: The market place for digital downloads has become a pretty hazardous place, with Apple's iTunes dominating the market like the fat bully who smells a bit funny. The problem with iTunes (aside from it's horrible to use but pretty looking interface) is that tunes downloaded via its online store have to be used on one of their iPods (themselves being nice to look at but a pain in the fucking arse to actually use), unless you can be arsed to burn the tracks onto a CD, rip them back onto your computer and then upload them to a different MP3 player. So thank fuck then for Warner Music, who have decided to scrap the DRM security encryption (the facility which locks on what device a downloaded song can be used) in a deal with online music shop 7digital.com, and it will hopefully start a movement away from proprietary formatting of MP3s and the like.
Now You Know Who To Blame: She was the shouty singer in 4 Non Blondes, and wrote and produced some stuff for Pink and Gwen Stefani, but Linda Perry has gone on a crusade against Warner Music… because they owe her money. Not just any old money you understand, but about $5 million in lost royalties Warner Music via their subsidiary Atlantic Records in distributing an album which grossed almost $100 million in sales. That record is 'Back To Bedlam' by the most irritating man on the planet, James Blunt and the row is over some contract between a lot of labels which I really can't be arsed to go over, I just wanted to bring to the attention of any American readers I may have as to who can be blamed for the Blunt menace in your country. And yes, you are quite welcome to keep the twat and never give him back, we don't want him.
The Rant Corner: I have no idea why my parents get the Mail On Sunday but if one had to hazard a guess it's because they wanted something a little more high-brow than the usual red top tabloid junk, but are scared of the Sunday Times. Either way, it does occasionally have enough diverting articles and a more in-depth look at non-league football than said tabloids so it can't be all that bad. So it came to pass this Sunday that I was flicking through one of the inane supplements these papers seem to carry when I saw something that almost made my head explode. A whole seventeen pages had been devoted to 'health' from which Easter eggs contain things vital to well-being to an article about which foods will make your kids smarter. I swear, I almost felt myself getting ever so slightly more retarded as I read on, but is this really the society that we have become? It's bad enough having to hear my work colleagues going on about the fat content of literally everything they eat, but brain-boosting munchies for kids? Did fucking Einstein have a brain boosting guide when he was growing up? Did he fuck! Did our parents or grandparents have to have ginormous fridges in order to contain all the healthy shit that we're being forced to eat to keep ourselves living? Did they fuck! They ate sensibly and actually did some exercise rather than driving to and from work before conking out on the sofa watching some shitty ITV drama. I will be the first to admit that my diet isn't exactly the healthiest, but I must walk between 10 and 15 miles a week on my way to and from work, so when I finally do decide to drive myself there I swear I'm going to balloon like that kid in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I guess I could go to a gym, but do I really want to fucking pay a stupid amount of money to run on a fucking treadmill when there are millions of miles of pavements and pathways in this country to run on? Why pay through the nose to use one of those bikes when two months gym fees will probably payyou’re your own bike? And as for using the actual proper gym equipment for muscle building, well you obviously have major issues with your appearance and no matter how much you buff up, you’ll still be an ugly fucker who is better off dead. What the fuck happened to us?
Quick And Dirty Hits: Van Halen have had to postpone their tour due to one of their number having medical tests for an undisclosed condition… The Pogues will be second to Ian Brown at the V Festival. Someone fucked up there me thinks… The Game has begun his jail sentence for possessing a gun on school premises. Fucking moron… Scott Weiland of Velvet Revolver is out of rehab. Bets being taken on when he goes back in… Avril Lavigne is launching her own clothing label. That’s SO punk… Keith Richards is to model clothes. That is so wrong on so many levels…
This week we go back to the well that has served us in the past and described the charts using other things instead of real words, and as I am on a Transformers kick, for week only this week’s singles are their robotic equivalents! It’s If The Chart Were Transformers!
10. Kelly Rowland: Work (Columbia) -Sunstreaker, all style yet remarkably little substance.
9. David Jordan: Sun Goes Down (Mercury) - Blitzwing, a triple-changer who’s not even sure what he is or whose side he’s on.
8. OneRepublic: Stop And Stare (Interscope) - Hot Rod/Rodimus Prime , it doesn't matter which because no-one really takes him seriously.
7. Rihanna: Don't Stop The Music (Def Jam) – Mirage, because you always think something cool will happen but in the end, nothing really does and it fades into the background.
6. Adele: Chasing Pavements (XL Recordings) - Ratchet, solid, dependable and not in any way, shape or form like Prowl.
5. Kylie Minogue: Wow (Parlophone) - Starscream, because you keep trying to do the same thing over and over again until you get destroyed by someone much younger and more powerful. Not sure about the whole 'ghost' thing though.
4. Basshunter: Now You're Gone (Hard2Beat) - Wheelie, simply the most annoying Transformer ever conceived. So annoying that you wish Grimlock really did eat the fucking waste of metal.
3. Nickelback: Rockstar (Roadrunner Records) - Prowl, having risen to a position of high power and responsibility and yet being a complete and utter arse.
2. H Two O Ft Platnum: What's It Gonna Be (Hard2Beat) - Kup, a throwback to an era no-one really wants to revisit.
1. Duffy: Mercy (A&M) - Windcharger, because he got killed in the movie despite not really doing a lot during the series so no-one really cared that he died.
The Final Word: "Take off your penis tinted glasses woman!" - me, to the other half when attempting to tell her that Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy is not a gorgeous man but a particularly ugly pre-op Thai transsexual with no actual talent.