The Hit Parade Volume Four Issue Four by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 15. Well, it is a short one!]
Is the saying the day before the Lord Mayor’s show or the day after? Anyway, this is most definitely the calm before the storm as next week the Hit Parade makes it to another milestone when it turns 100 issues old, so expect some old school reminiscences and more stuff than when we turned fifty issues old. And yes, I’m fully aware that I did say that I would be doing more non-Hit Parade articles and they are all still bubbling away nicely, ready to be unleashed only when the time is right. Actually, I have to go down to the kitchen to check something, back in a second…It’s okay, no disaster! Still, by the time you read this the NME Awards will be in the bad and despite having the paper’s website I have no idea who’s up for what so that will get covered next week. Fuck me it’s a short one this week, but that’s what happens when you finally complete a Pokemon game! Yes, I finished off the Elite Four and Champion in Diamond and have a few bits and pieces to do before I have literally done everything in the game, which in turn means I’m going to have to get the other GBA games to ‘catch them all’ as it were. Sweet fuck I’m a sad bastard.
Bravo Noel: Rock stars live extravagant lives, being able to afford fleets of cars and luxury houses. Noel Gallagher from Oasis is no exception to the rule, as he bought himself a luxury villa on the Mediterranean island of Ibiza as a holiday home. However, Noel has decided that this is one luxury he can do without as he can't stand his neighbour, and that neighbour is James Blunt. A further explanation given by Noel is that he honestly can't stand living next to someone who is making fucking awful music which is exactly what James Blunt has done. Blunt has a fucking annoying voice, a face you want to stab repeatedly and was nailing Petra Nemcova before she finally saw the light and ditched him. Mr Blunt, please fuck off and leave us normal people alone!
No Cheap Gags: I am going to see if I can restain myself from making any obvious jokes about Michael Jackson. Okay? Good. Anyway, it seems that the former King Of Pop is really in financial trouble as his Neverland Ranch is due to go for auction any moment due to the non-payment of £12 million in arrears on the property. But if any of you should fancy making an offer for the property, you do get all the ferris wheels, carousels and merry-go-round devices that Jackson paid to have put in. Unfortunately, your money will not get any of the animals that were in the zoo. See, I did it!
I Have No Eyebrows: In the world of vaguely manufactured and immaculately marketed pop shit, it seems there are barely any massive legal bust-ups when the initial fifteen minutes of fame has expired. Not so for Busted, as two original members of the group who were kicked out before The Eyebrowed Charlie joined them are taking…. Well the article I'm reading doesn't actually say who they are taking to court but they are trying to wrangle £10 million in royalties after claiming that they co-wrote some of Busted's biggest hits like the one about the future and the one about copping off with the school teacher. And some other ones.
The Rant Corner: There are many reasons for us to believe that our government is nothing more than a bunch of fat, over-paid monkeys fleecing us from out hard earned money while this country seems on an increasingly fast route down into an abyss of teenage pregnancies and demilitarised zones policed by drunken chavs. That dystopian nightmare is made more real by just how fucking hard it was for me to even attempt to get some sort of benefits while I was unemployed, a process so convoluted and bizarre that I just gave up rather than wade through a land mine of forms, interviews and phone calls. So it comes to no surprise that the fucking inquest into the death of Princess Diana continues ever onward towards no particular conclusion and what fucking fun we've had with this ungodly mess. Paul 'The Rock' Burrell gave us several bits of unintentional comedy, firstly with a secret he was to reveal that would shock the monarchy to its very core. Shame that when it came to crunch time he firstly refused to divulge such a mighty secret and when he did it turned out to be something so clandestine that it was already public knowledge. Then Rocky was caught on camera admitting to perjury before trying to proposition a man for sex. Just remember kids, your tax money is paying for this! Then there is the sad sight of Mohammed Al Fayed, a man so consumed in his own grief that he is simply blaming everyone from the Royal Family to MI6 to the CIA to the 1991 Detroit Lions for his son's death. Of course he should have just come to me, as when two people sat in the back of a car, not wearing seat belts being driven at high speeds by a man clearly well over the drink drive limit have a crash, isn't obvious whose fault it is?
Quick And Dirty Hits: Madonna's new album will be called 'Hard Candy'. Will also probably be a sack of crap to boot… The Artist Formerly Known As Prince And Now Currently Known Again As Prince is to have a hip replacement… Maxim magazine has been slapped about for giving ratings to albums it hadn’t heard. Such journalistic lies are something you would never see here, oh no… Radiohead won’t play Glastonbury because of the venues shitty public transport links. Nothing to do with it being full of stinking hippies then…
I’m in pain, so let’s finish this off quickly
10. Kelly Rowland: Work ( Columbia ) – The insipid indentikit poorness of this guff really shows just how much of a stonkingly great track ‘Say My Name’ by Destiny’s Child or even that duet with Nelly were.
9. OneRepublic: Stop And Stare (Interscope) – It’s like the Backstreet Boys mixed with Travis. You know that’s an insult to Travis, but fuck me backwards this is terrible.
8. Rihanna: Don't Stop The Music (Def Jam) – Okay, okay, I’m starting to warm a little to Rihanna, but I still can’t forgive her for that fucking ‘Umbrella’ track.
7. David Jordan: Sun Goes Down (Mercury) – Grrr, this one is really irritating me as I can’t decided if I like it or not, but thumbs are generally pointing… oh fuck my thumbs are still on the middle!
6. Adele: Chasing Pavements (XL Recordings) – You know this is single of the week, so don’t try convincing me otherwise.
5. Kylie Minogue: Wow (Parlophone) – I think she’s sing underneath the sub Daft Punk backing track that she’s saddled with. And aside from her arse, I can’t see the point of Kylie at all.
4. Basshunter: Now You're Gone (Hard2Beat) – Should there be any Americans reading, you have no idea just how fucking awful this is. In fact, I don’t think I can actually think of the words to describe just how fucking bad this is. It’s just very, very, very, very fucking bad.
3. Nickelback: Rockstar (Roadrunner Records) - Whoops, nearly forgot about this one. Kind of sums up my feelings on it really.
2. H Two O Ft Platnum: What's It Gonna Be (Hard2Beat) – Ah yes, it’s some garage for ya! Big up to the So Solid massive booyakasha it’s 2000 over again. Translated: this song is about eight years too late.
1. Duffy: Mercy (A&M) – I’m not sold on this yet at all, sorry.
The Final Word: "Look, we all have something to bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence" - Arnold Judas Rimmer.