The Hit Parade Volume Four Issue Three by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 19. Slow news week!]
Three consecutive weeks and counting and pretty soon this very column will be celebrating it's 100th birthday, an occasion that even I didn't think it would reach. It actually should have already passed that tremendous landmark but you know me, lazy and dangerously prone to complete mental meltdowns. I guess I had better use this space to apologise for the distinct lack of content this week but aside from the Brit Awards (more on them below) it's been a fucking slow week with absolutely nothing of note happening anywhere. Normally, slow weeks are where I come into my own with regards to padding out the column (much like this intro) but it's been really hard to pad out what fluff I have had to deal with. Still, I did my best with the material given so enjoy while I get back to my Pokemon games, and yes, of course I'm serious!
Musical Cockroaches: A few months ago the Spice Girls got back together, then a few weeks ago they decided to split up which had absolutely nothing to the size of their egos. Oh no. Now it seems they in fact may get back together again. In June this year, there will be a giant gig in Hyde Park celebrating Nelson Mandela’s 90 th Birthday and while they haven’t been formally asked, it is looking increasingly likely that the band will stop trying to claw each other’s eyes out for long enough to play. Sorry, but while they may claim to be broken up again for ‘family reasons’ the fact that there were an incredible number of unsold tickets at some dates there simply remains the fact that there was no need for a Spice Girls reunion. See also: 17, East.
Who Gives A Shit: It is just me, or is anyone else getting really tired of the McCartney-Mills divorce bullshit. I mean, it’s fucking bad enough that with millions of people dying throughout the world that this shit gets plastered all over the front pages of the press, but it’s the public’s seeming infatuation with all things celebrity which is fucking me off. Anyway, after a week of legal wrangling (as I write this anyway) there is still no settlement in sight but certain legal eagles have put the figure that the former Beatle four stringer will have to pay to his one-legged former wife at a mind-boggling £60 million. Still, it could have been worse… he could have given her the publishing rights to ‘The Frog Chorus’.
Well That Took Longer Than Expected: There comes a time in all musician’s lives when they develop an ego, and there is simply no escaping it. But the Kaiser Chiefs seemed to have been relatively immune to this particular part of the job description… until this week that is. Singer Ricky Wilson has hit out at the award panel or whoever chooses the nominations as they had the cheek to drop his band’s ‘Ruby’ from the shortlist. “Everyone knows 'Ruby' is the best single, if you are gonna whittle them down to five, you'd think 'Ruby' would be in there wouldn't you?” said the precious little darling. Sorry to break it to you Ricky, but ‘Ruby’ was just as derivative and unimaginative as most of your recorded output.
Brits Mop Up: I know Joey Sarajevo took care of this last year but he's missing presumed Welsh so you have to make do with me taking care of proceedings this time. You all know my feelings on awards ceremonies but if you are late to the wonderful world of Straw Donkeys here's the gist of them: their pointless and the right people never win. Cases in point last night saw the Arcade Fire robbed point blank by the Foo Fighters for Best Internation Album. Now I love the Foos tremendously, and 'Everlong' still has the power to bring tears to my eyes but the Fire's 'Neon Bible' is a simply stunning album and should be required listening for everyone. Other miscarriages of justice saw Kate Nash walk off with Best British Female Solo Artist, when all she does is sing in that shitty Mockney accent of hers. Now there is no love lost between me and A** W********, but she is better than Nash. Take That took away Best British Live Act and again, I fail to see how and Mark Ronson took Best British Male Solo Artist despite the fact that all he is is a fucking DJ and producer. What next, a fucking sound engineer being nominated? Still, Kanye West won Best International Male Solo and the Foo Fighters won two awards so it wasn't all bad.
The Rant Corner: I was initially not going to bother writing a rant as I figured my Brits mop-up would be a bit longer, however, it ended up being shorter than I anticipated meaning I have to moan about something else. Now those of you who know me quite well know that I am what can be described as a moaner, and it's true I do do my fair share of moaning. It's not the big things that I get irritated at, but usually the smaller things in life which when they fuck up really piss me off, like First Great Western trains for example. But I think I have now reached a stage in my life where I can literally be called a 'grumpy sod' and do you know why? The fucking Ho Train as I like to call it, that's fucking why! Every half-term, the god-awful cesspit of humanity known as Liquid nightclub in Windsor throws open its doors to the kids for a disco, an event that was never even contemplated when I was at school and something I don't truly have an issue with as its an alcohol free zone. But looking at the kids, or more specifically the girls at Staines train station heading up to Windsor I can only shake my head and pray to whatever deity is looking out for me that I never have a baby girl. Do their parents see what these girls are wearing an actually give a shit? Probably not! Maybe I lead a sheltered childhood, or maybe I have more parental instincts than I knew existed, but no daughter of mine is ever going out dressed like that. Hell, some strippers wear more than some of these girls, and most of the girls are barely aged 16! See, I'm now officially a grumpy old git.
Quick And Dirty Hits: Alien Ant Farm have re-united. And you never even knew they had split up in the first place… Grooverider has been arrested in Dubai for possession of cannabis… Britney Spears has been banned from seeing her children again. Like you're fucking surprised… Pink has split up with her husband. Hence the pictures… Gene Simmons of Kiss has supposedly become the latest person to have a sex tape leaked. Ye Gods…
10. Goldfrapp: A&E (Mute) – Not quite as in your face as their previous output, but she does have a brilliant voice. It also sounds like something familiar I can’t quite put my finger on as well.
9. The Feeling: I Thought It Was Over (Island) – Oh my sweet lord this isn’t fucking good at all. I thought they were soft rock, this is soft disco turd.
8. Kelly Rowland: Work (Columbia) – Sorry, but it’s weak beyond all reason.
7. H Two O feat Platnum: What's It Gonna Be (Ministry Of Sound) – Woah, it’s like the last eight years didn’t happen and garage is still the best kept secret in dance music. Still, this isn’t exactly the best endorsement of said genre. In fact, it’s fucking abysmal.
6. Rihanna: Don't Stop The Music (Def Jam) – Oh dear, the full length version is probably okay but the cut version on Napster doesn’t excite me. Now the collaboration with the Klaxons from last night’s Brits on the other hand…
5. Adele: Chasing Pavements (XL Recordings) - By default, this is your single of the week. Not by default, it's actually really, really good as well.
4. David Jordan: Sun Goes Down (Mercury) – Oh it’s this one that can’t decide what the fuck it is. It’s a woman getting ready to go out!
3. Basshunter: Now You're Gone (Hard2Beat) - The definition of a single is in order to promote something, in most cases an album. What the fuck is this fucking awful piece of fucking shite promoting? Fucking suicide? Murder? I really want to find one piece of fucking chav scum that bought this and kick them repeatedly in the cock or cunt until they cry in pain, and then piss on them because that is the exact same pain they have inflicted on the nation. Wankers.
2. Nickelback: Rockstar (Roadrunner Records) - The only thing that could make this worse is if Fred Durst appeared in the video. What? He doesn't? Thank fuck for that.
1. Duffy: Mercy (A&M) – Urgh, is there some sort of super secret production line for female singers that I don’t know about. It’s all bright and breezy enough, but not exactly outstanding.
The Final Word: Not so much a final word, as words fail me...