The Hit Parade Volume Four Issue Two by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 23. Only because it's longer than normal]
Two weeks in a row? I must be on drugs or something. Not really, but one item passed across the desk of the Donkeys this week which made me almost leap out of my chair in excitement, before I remembered that I'm going to be 28 years old this year and such things are not becoming of someone of my advancing years. The item was that The Clash (currently my second favourite band of the moment) are to release a new live DVD in April this year, which when combined by The Pogues box set which should be out either just before or just after that so April will see me bouncing with unbridled joy and happiness. Also, shotdeadinthehead are having Gene Hunt Month and the temptation for me to splurge on t-shirts emblazoned with some of his greatest lines is hard to resist. Hang on, this introduction has been far too cheerful hasn't it? Remember when I used to use this space to bitch and whine about how much my life fucking sucked? Have I mellowed? Why am I asking so many fucking questions? Oh well, I honestly have no idea for general smiley outlook so I'll shut up and get to the body of the column before you all start puking everywhere.
Grammy Award Mop-Up: Okay, okay, she ' s not the Horse Faced Crack Whore anymore, she is back to starred status. A** W******** stormed the Grammies taking home five out of the six she was nominated for while Kanye West won four which is not surprising considering he had a billion nominations. Liam is fucking livid that a fucking Justin Timberlake track won ' Best Dance ' beating off such luminaries of the dance fraternity as The Chemical Brothers and Mika… wait, what the fuck? MIKA? That helium voiced fuck nut? Dance music? Fuck off America ! What you call dance is really what you call electronica you fucking muppets, get yourself some LCD Soundsystem, New Young Pony Club, Plump DJs, Soulwax, you know, the fucking good shit! Elsewhere it was seemingly business as usual and I ' m pretty sure you can find the winner of Best Polka album (like I ' m fucking kidding on THAT one) elsewhere on the internet. But fucking hell… Mika?
Blame It On The Tits: We ' ve all heard excuses for bands not making tours. Hell I had tickets to see Green Day in 1996 before they lamed off citing ' exhaustion ' , and I really wanted to see Goober Patrol and The Mr T Experience you bastards! Anyway, Dolly Parton has had to postpone her latest American tour due to… I cannot believe I ' m going to write this… back ache stemming from the fact that she has huge tits. "I know I have been breaking my neck and bending over backwards trying to get my new Backwoods Barbie CD and world tour together, but I didn ' t mean to hurt myself doing it" she said, while commenting "You try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don ' t have back problems". Quite…
No Sympathy Here: When the headline on the BBC ' s Entertainment page said that a boy band star had been held on an assault charge, I was kind of hoping it would be a member of East 17 who will be opening a supermarket near you soon before continuing their UK tour of pub back rooms. So you can almost imagine my surprise when it wasn ' t one of the hat wearing fucknuts but little Lee Ryan from the truly fucking dire Blue, who I still haven ' t forgiven for stealing a Notorious B.I.G. sample in one of their songs whose name escapes me. Anyway, before I divert myself off on further tangents, the singer apparently assaulted a man in Oxted after what the BBC describe as a ' minor traffic accident ' on New Year ' s Eve and is now due to appear in court at the end of the month. Please Mr Judge Man or Mrs Judge Woman, let the irritating twat go to prison, please?
The Rich Get Richer: It seems that rock stars want even more money from people and now the European Commission has finally given them that ability. It has proposed an extension of the copyright protection which will finally bring the performance rights into line with the publishing rights of a song. But you know, this is all horribly complicated and filled with big legal words and terms that I simply don't understand. I can't help this. What it does mean though is that unknown session players on songs will get a bit more money, while someone like Elton John and the Rolling Stones will get infinitely more. However, Roger Daltrey's excuse that most musicians live off of royalties in lieu of a pension is an absolute crock of shit.
Maladjusted Freaks: What particular piece of memorable pop memorabilia do you wish you had? Jonathan Davies ' bagpipes maybe? Liam Gallagher ' s tambourine? A spit covered leather jacket as worn by the man, the legend that is Joe Strummer? Mine is the cod piece worn by Cameo in the video for ' Word Up ' though I have no idea why. Still, at least I ' m not as loopy as the person as yet unknown who paid a mind-boggling $3,000 for a bra as worn by loopy Colombian Shakira. In total $60,000 has been paid (all for charity though) in the auction of Shakira ' s stuff but I know what you ' re all desparate to know one thing. The line about her tits from her first single ' Wherever, Whenever ' was quoted in just the second paragraph by those mucky journalists at the BBC, and of course, Straw Donkeys would never resort to placing pictures of scantily dressed women in their articles to get hits. Never. Ever.
The Rant Corner: As I ' m sure you are all aware, last week the Premier League unveiled plans to play an extra game in its season which would be played in a foreign country in return for the League giving all the participating teams a cool £5 million. Naturally there was outrage that the league would even think of doing this to its fans who would have to fork out huge sums of cash in order to watch their team play somewhere other than over here. But my point of view is that all this anger is particularly misdirected because at the end of the day, neither the clubs nor the Premier League nor the F.A. itself gives a flying fuck about what the fans and the media think. Sad, but true. The main idea behind this is obviously aping the NFL ' s idea to play a game in London last year, but we ' ll get to that in a minute, but the current school of thought is that this is simply a ploy for the Premier League to get more money. However, if you think about it, that is complete and utter bollocks. If you give foreign countries two guaranteed games a year, then viewership may decline as people go to watch themselves. Give them two games that are shite beyond belief and people will simply stop watching, reducing the TV rights the Premier League gets. And make no mistake about it, Premier League football at the moment is completely and utterly shit. Take this Sunday ' s Manchester Derby which, despite the emotion surrounding the 50th anniversary of the Munich air disaster, had as much passion on the pitch as a wet cloth. Or even the supposed "Big Four" match between Chelsea and Liverpool which didn’t increase the blood rate but instead bored people to tears. Sorry Sky, but the Premier League now is about as exciting as watching paint dry no matter how much you want to try and shove the notion that it is the most exciting league in the world. Two five man midfields do not make exciting football. Anyway, the only people this move to play games abroad benefits is the clubs themselves as they can sell more shirts, scarves, hats and branded condoms to foreign people, increasing their revenue as they go. And where are the F.A.? Doing sweet fuck all as usual, as they seem to have forgotten that they are the ruling body of the sport in this country. Now as for that NFL game, the reason that was so successful is because all this boring, passion-free football has simply driven people away to other sports like American Football, in which every team starts out on a level playing field. Each team has the same amount of money to spend on players, all revenues from merchandising are split equally amongst all the teams as are the big fat TV deals the league signs. Can you imagine Man United giving up the colossal amounts of cash they make to the Premier League where it will be split amongst clubs operating at a loss? Didn ' t think so! And as for the whole franchising debate, ask a Cleveland Browns fan how they felt when their team with 100 years of history was moved overnight to Baltimore . The bottom line of all this is, if you care about the game and you care about your club, stop giving them money. Don ' t go to games, don ' t watch them on TV, get down to your local football league or non-league side and watch them instead. The only way to hurt the morons running the game is in the wallet, so let them do the talking.
Quick And Dirty Hits: Lenny Kravitz is in hospital due to severe bronchitis. There ' s a joke to be made about his most famous song in there somewhere… Ronald Isley ' s appeal against a jail term over tax fraud was denied… Rapper ' s Rap Sheets: The Game - sentenced to 60 days, gun possession at a school basketball game; Juvenile - marijuana possession; Lil Wayne - indicted on sundry drugs and weapons charges… P*** D****** is to play the Royal Albert Hall. I want to know how, and also why but mainly how… Prog rockers Muse will headline V2008, the festival for people who don't want to go to a proper festival but go just to say they've been to one… Someone retard smashed a £60,000 violin. Nothing else to say on the matter…
Be warned, the charts are below and are deeply uninspiring and I can't think of anything witty to lead them off.
10. Wet Wet Wet: Weightless (Dry) - Firstly, my mum will be happy. Secondly, I'm sure there's some deep seated Scottish irony working around a band calling themselves Wet Wet Wet would end up on a record label called Dry. Thirdly, no, I'm not listening to it.
9. Lupe Fiasco feat. Matthew Santos: Superstar (Atlantic) - It is a fine record, and a little bit more imaginative than most of the rap coming out of America at the moment. More like this please.
8. Britney Spears: Piece Of Me (Jive) - From something decent to something unremittingly shit. How on Earth Ms Spears managed to record this while proceeding to fuck her life up nine ways from Tuesday I don't know.
7. Hot Chip: Ready For The Floor (EMI) - A timely reminder that the geeks shall inherit the Earth, because no-one else knows how to fix computers naturally. Quality record.
6. Kelly Rowland: Work (Columbia) - Another tepid slice of conveyor belt urban dross from someone with whose background should know better. Wait, does that even make fucking sense? No? Oh well.
5. David Jordan: Sun Goes Down (Mercury) – Ah yes, I remember now. This is the song that can’t quite make up its mind what the fuck it is. Doesn’t mean it’s crap, just confused.
4. Rihanna: Don't Stop The Music (Def Jam) - I have no intense desire to hear this all the way through to see whether it really is the house track it thinks it wants to be. And besides, that god-awful 'S.O.S.' track she released in 2006 still gives me nightmares about other things.
3. Adele: Chasing Pavements (XL Recordings) – I think she’s better than W******** and as I am your God, you shall believe me.
2. Nickelback: Rockstar (Roadrunner Records) - The video is cool, the sleeve is cool, the record is fucking garbage. And no, two out of three doesn't make it alright.
1. Basshunter: Now You're Gone (Hard2Beat) - If anyone wonders why this country is sliding into a sinkhole of teenage drinkers and religious outrage, and why there are gangs of feral teenagers prowling the streets, JUST LOOK AT THE SHIT RECORDS THE PUBLIC ARE BUYING!!!! For fuck's sake, I fear for this country, I really fucking do.
The Final Word: "How do you think it felt? What a stupid fucking question." - Olli Jokinen of the Florida Panthers NHL team answering a question from a particularly sensitive reporter after his skate accidentally sliced the carotid artery of team mate Richard Zednik.