The Hit Parade Volume Four Issue One by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 21. They call it a fucking baseline!]
Well hello there kids, been a while since I had the pleasure of your company. Hope you all had a good Christmas, New Year and are now all planning your holidays somewhere nice and warm in the summer. We here at Straw Donkeys have decided that from now on we’re going to try and not skip weeks and strive to provide at least some form of content each and every time you come and see us. Ah, who the fuck am I kidding? But in the next few weeks I will attempt to write an as yet unstarted sports article in the hope of doing at least once a month. I also have The Hentai Hat-Trick Of Horror which I really have to do so I can get the crap off of my hard drive. There’s also the on-going saga of The Rise And Fall Of Most Haunted which currently stands at a whopping 4,000 words and is only 25% complete. I also might do some sort of stupid Transformers story in the future, a review of season one of Deadwood, the whole of Life On Mars, possibly some computer games… if I get inspired I will write! I’ll also have An Englishman In Kansas coming in April so hopefully there will plenty for you to all read about in the future. Anyway, back to our normal Hit Parade guff…
Yes, It Is Double Standards: It has come to my attention but only through reading back on my own inane ramblings that there are certain double standards I employ. You see I only ever call A** W******** the Horse Faced Smack Head because I think she is a waste of genetic material, and my thoughts are generally the same about P*** D****** (though I have to admit my thoughts on him are softening slightly) and yet here we have Britney Spears running around like more of a demented lunatic than either of the above and yet I refuse to star out her name. The reason is pretty simple: The Horse Faced Smack Head I would not bang even if she was the last monster on Earth, and Britney at one point was particularly hittable. Still, the latest breaking news from the Spears Saga over the last week has been whether or not she has been committed to a psyche ward due to either having some sort of mental illness or not, and today's news that her manager was drugging her. If it wasn't so tragic, her life would be an episode of Fawlty Towers .
Yes, They Are Still Touring: You know I haven ' t been doing this for so long I couldn ' t tell you about Melanie Brown of the Spice Girls declaring to a shocked audience of young girls that she had had too much clitoral stimulation over Christmas. Nor could I run the picture of her making a grab at Victoria Beckham ' s plastic titties. However, news reaches the Donkeys Stable that the Spice Girls have indeed cut short their world tour but they would like to strongly stress that it is not because they have fallen out due to their massive egos. Oh no. It also has nothing to do with a distinct lack of ticket sales in some places. No, it ' s not that, honest. It ' s simply down to family commitments. Yeah. Right.
Hypocrite Corner: Avril Lavigne likes to think of herself as a bit of a rebel. How do we know this? Because she claims to write punk songs, is married to a punk singer and puts her middle finger up during photo shoots. She also happens to be quite the hittable piece of ass but that point is neither here nor there. The fact is that she is as much of a punk as I am from Guatamala, and as if to prove my point in a recent interview with Rolling Stone magazine she says that her new tour will have all manner of costume changes and dancers. Avril, please fuck off with any pretence of you being a punk or indeed a rebel. You ' re just another production line MOR AOR entertainer aimed squarely at the teenage girl market who just happens to like giving people the finger. Fucking accept it and move on!
My Heroes: Woah, I nearly wrote My Herpes then! Anyway, after kicking Ashley Cole square in the bollocks last week (trust me Chezza, he’s a woofter) Girls Aloud went up in my estimation. And no matter what anyone says, they have had some pretty decent singles but their latest B-Side is a work of genius even for pop standards. The track, called ‘Hoxton Heroes’ takes shot against shot against all the trendy indie bands from that area, as well as a few none-too-subtle digs at the infamous Primrose Hill set like Kate Moss, Peaches Geldof and other people who I think should be destroyed for the sake of humanity. What’s even better is that the record label deemed it too controversial to release as an A-Side and filed it away as a B-Side. Bravo ladies, long may your reign of pop terror continue!
The Rant Corner: My gut feeling last Wednesday or Tuesday was that the New York Giants simply wouldn ' t lose Superbowl XLII despite every portent and sign telling me otherwise. They were facing a team in the New England Patriots that hadn ' t lost all season, and along the way had seemingly re-written every single offensive record in the NFL, the Giants were such incredibly big underdogs that the 18-5 odds I got on them to win seemed far too short. But beneath everything and looking that the big picture there was every chance they could pull of the upset. The Patriots since about week eleven of the regular season had started to slow down on offense, and in the last game of the season they were taken to the absolute limit by these very same Giants. And some people even thought that the accusations aimed at the Patriots over cheating as well as the classless way they had ran up the score in some of their games in the early part of the season would eventually catch up with them. If you believe in such deities as the football Gods, they would surely eventually smite these Patriots down on the biggest stage of all. The tone for the game was set on the Giants first drive, a 16 play, clock chewer which ate 10 minutes out of the clock therefore keeping that high powered offense exactly where it could do no damage: on the sidelines. The Giants then gave up a touchdown but slowly but surely their defensive line came to life, harassing and sacking Tom Brady and putting him under the kind of pressure he hadn ' t felt all season, and as half-time loomed, the score of 7-3 was what the Giants wanted. Come the second half Bill Belichick, who throughout the season had been doing an impression of the Emperor from Star Wars, made his first bad decision, trying to convert a 4th and 13 in Giants territory rather than going for the field goal. Oh how much they needed that at the end. So with the score still close entering the 4th quarter, all hell broke loose. The Giants made a quick 6 play drive for a touchdown early on. Then with eight minutes remaining, the Patriots became the team they had been all season, a six minute drive capped off with a Randy Moss touchdown. Three minutes left, and the Giants down by four and here was Eli Manning ' s moment. The first big play was Toomer ' s nine yard catch on 3rd and 10 when the Giants needed to start moving. The third big play was Steve Smith ' s incredible intelligence to snag a pass, run the two yards to get the first down and then dive out of bounds to ice the clock. The big play though… how to describe it? The ball is snapped to Eli and his protection collapses and he is swarmed by defenders. He eludes their grasp and scampers forwards and yet another defender grabs him. He eludes again and heaves up a desperate long pass towards David Tyree. Tyree jumps and extends his arms as much as is humanly possible, pulls the ball down onto his helmet and crashes to the floor with Patriots safety Rodney Harrison primed to snag the interception. The result was a thirty two yard gain, putting the Giants 25 yards from the New England line. Four plays later and the winning touchdown had been cradled by Plaxico Burress and after New England ' s last drive went four and out that was all she wrote. The big bad bullies had been defeated in a game that went absolutely nuts when it came to crunch time. Maybe being the underdog isn ' t such a bad thing?
Quick And Dirty Hits: Snoop Dogg has finally been let back into this country. Take that The Sun… Rihanna has been given her own line of umbrellas. Jesus, does the fucking stupidity never stop in this fucking world… The Horse Faced Smack Head will sing the next James Bond theme. Well I fucking hate James Bond films anyway… Maharashi Yogi, guru to The Beatles died aged 91. Filler? Us? Never… Beck has admitted most of his old lyrics were nonsense. No shit… Lostprophets will headline this year’s Download festival. No confirmed Reading headliners yet… This is why I love Ireland …
Been a while since I did a chart run down, let ' s hope it ' s a little better than the last one I did in the way back when machine…
10. David Jordan: Sun Goes Down (Mercury) – I’m willing to bet that this is the most unique entry on the charts this week. Whether it’s actually any good, I have no idea at all.
9. One Night Only: Just For Tonight (Vertigo) – Another identikit Bloc Party knock off tinged with bits of The Enemy and extremely whiny vocals. Not particular offensive but not something that’s going to knock my fucking socks off either.
8. Lupe Fiasco Ft Matthew Santos : Superstar ( Atlantic ) – You all know this one as it’s been pretty much hammered on every advert for Sky known for man. It’s also what Chris Martin would sound like if he helped out on a rap track but was even more whiny than he is in real life. But, this is actually really fucking good. I’m shocked!
7. Britney Spears: Piece Of Me (Jive) – Britney, Britney, Britney? What the fuck happened to the girl who gave us ‘Slave 4 U’, ‘Hit Me One More Time’, ‘Toxic’ and (my personal fave) ‘Born To Make You Happy’? When did you turn to a third rate Madonna? When? When? When?
6. Hot Chip: Ready For The Floor (EMI) – Single of the week, because it’s Hot fucking Chip, they look like geeks like me and write infectious catchy dancefloor classics that just never quite ignite. Yes, they are my fucking reasons okay?
5. Rihanna: Don't Stop The Music (Def Jam) – Lovely looker, decent voice, fucking god awful record that’s even worse than ‘Umbrella’.
4. Kelly Rowland: Work ( Columbia ) – It took until she grew her hair out until I realised how much of a hottie Ms Rowland was. This isn’t very good though, cookie cutter urban at its most devoid of inspiration.
3. Nickelback: Rockstar (Roadrunner Records) – The video is a work of genius, but it’s still Nickleback and it’s fucking crap at that. Gretzky, how could you?
2. Adele: Chasing Pavements (XL Recordings) – Now if everyone would start buying this and not the records of the Horse Faced Smack Head, I’d be a happy man. Seriously, she’s just better all round and not on drugs!
1. Basshunter: Now You're Gone (Hard2Beat) – He looks like a gayer on the chart splash page, and this record is… FUCKING PROOF ONLY CHAVS BUY SINGLES! Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people’s hearing? This is fucking shit, shit, shit and makes Scooter look like the fucking Prodigy. BURN THIS FUCKING SHIT! FUCKING BURN IT NOW!
The Final Word: " February 6, 1958 was a black day in the history of Manchester United, but also for football in general. I'm proud to be a fan of Manchester United. People in England say God save the Queen. Today, I say God save Manchester United." - Bayern Munich chairman Karl Heinz Rummenigge