The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Thirty Four by Claire The Karma Whore
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 25. Claire sure does have a potty mouth!]
Well as you probably know from reading our home page, Liam is otherwise engaged this week. So it's up to the Karmawhore to deliver this shiny new Hit Parade. Whilst I'm writing this I’m actually wondering what the fuck I’m going to fill the page with. I doubt I’d get away with a page full of Pete Wentz knob pics and Johnny Knoxville’s nipples, which is a damn shame. Just so you know, I will be eating a large amount of Quality Street whilst brainstorming ideas. No reason except they make my hyper and slightly mad. And therefore get the creative juices flowing, hold on folks, it may get sticky............. or I might just throw up. Either way, sticky is still appropriate I suppose. I’m off to trawl teh intersweb to steal other peoples ideas, don’t worry, I have my eye bleach on standby. You people have NO idea how hard this is do you?? Oh well I could just half arse it, it's got me this far!
Don't Bite The Hand That Feeds Part One: The Sugarbabes have apparently decided not to go and see the Spice Girls reunion show. Normally I would say good call, but after giving it some thought and reading that their reason is because they think the Spices will mime, I feel the need to say a few words. Get over yourselves, firstly, I doubt even the Spice Girls are stupid enough to believe that they will get away with miming, and secondly, if it wasn’t for the Spice Girls (love em or loathe them, they did a grand job of putting British pop back on the map)YOU silly bints probably wouldn’t have the career you have now, so shut the fuck up, go and see them and thank god for Girl Power. I'm all for giving credit where it's due, and the Sugarbabes in my own humble opinion have a long way to go before they become as legendary as the Spice Girls, and that’s if they ever do.
More Random Shite: Danni Minogue has revealed that she cant go to the gym, as she fears her boobs will give her a black eye. Seriously? Is she kidding, I wouldn’t worry about the boobs doing it. I think the black eye is more likely to be caused by me, or failing that, Sharon Osbourne. Sharon and Danni are barely talking after Sharon ripped the shit out of her on Graham Norton’s show this week, and rightly so, the only reason Danni got the job on the X factor is because she gave Cowell a "job". I don’t watch the X factor, it's killing British music. But I do know that blonde welsh thing that looked like he fathered all the children of the corn didn’t win. So that means the pretty boy with no discernable talent won then, oh well, that’s the Christmas number one fucked for another year then. One thing I have noticed when I have watched the X Factor (usually whilst channel hopping) is that the audience resembles the single buying public. Braindead, chavvy, and slightly manic. Basically, were fucked and then fucked again. Simon Cowell should be put in some stocks, and have rocks thrown at him, or thrown at his car collection, my genius tells me that would hurt a whole lot more.
Don't Bite The Hand That Feeds Part Two: Gary Barlow has admitted there is no longer a place for Robbie in Take That, well we did kind of realise Gary . Thing is, Robbie hasn’t exactly made the best choice here has he? He might have the money, but the career has pretty much gone, and Take That’s star seems to be rising even higher the second time around. It doesn’t need saying, but I will anyway. Williams, you are one stupid fucker aren't you??
Lady In Burkha: Chris De Burgh, yes, I know!! Is going to be, and I quote "rocking Iran ". Apparently the dull as dishwater bland singer has quite a following over there. Is Iran where they wear Burkhas? And if so will he be changing the song title of "Lady in Red" to "Lady in Black" . Personally, I think he should wear one, he's not the prettiest thing on the planet is he, despite his daughter being a beauty queen or something. If I were him, I’d get a DNA test. Still it could be the one thing that finally rids us of him, I swear there would be a nuclear holocaust and his eyebrows would survive.......
Awards, They Do Nothing: Ok, so I was bored. So I went to The NME'S homepage, y'know, to have a sniff about see what stirs.... Ooohhhh, vote for sexiest Male and Female polls, mucho fun for the karma whore! Also you can vote for best album artwork, which is pretty cool too. Anyway I digress, my fingers itching I click on the sexy men voting page, slightly excited, like when I have had too many Quality Street. Hoping I am in for a visual treat......... The next few minutes all you could hear in my house was the sound of a very disappointed girl going "EWWWWW" and "Dear god, is that human?" Especially when I saw Keith Richards was on the list! What the fuck was that about! I generously gave him a score of 1 and made a mental note to send him an iron in the post, so he can iron those creases from his face, some may call it character, I call it fugly. Maybe I'm fussy, but I did dish out 3 tens, to the lovely Mr Gerard Way , Julian Casablancas (Hominahominhomina) and Justin Timberlake. The rest got an average of 3 I reckon, because they either had a nice tie on, or out of sympathy as I had no fucking idea who they were! I was equally as mean with the girls, only Juliette Lewis (mad as a box of frogs, but gorgeous nonetheless) KT Tunstall and Hayley from Paramore getting top marks. The rest I gave low scores, purely out of spite because they were younger and prettier and far more talented than me. And Hayley only got ten because my son fancies her and she has a nice head of hair........ Bitchy? Yes I am! But have a go, it’s a decent way to waste 5 minutes. And you never know, you might get the horn......
The Rant Corner: There are many things the karma whore could rant about this week, most of them unsuitable for even this place though! But hey, at least I have my mojo back, I was seriously worried last week I had fallen into the world of the "Meh" and would never escape. Its Christmas, so I've got to have a moan aint I? I can take it or leave it personally, but after Sundays expedition into my own personal hell (Tescos) spending what can only be described as an obscene amount of money I began thinking. Why do we do Christmas? Yeah I know, the Christians out there would like us to celebrate the birth of ickle baby Jesus etc etc. But it doesn't happen does it? Do you raise a toast to baby Jesus at your dining table? Ok, I concede that some do (and I wont get into those types) But in general it's a piss poor excuse to buy presents for people you don’t even like, photocopy your arse and impress your work colleagues, and generally eat eat eat. (Fat people love Crimbo, it's a fact). If I didn't have a child, I simply wouldn't bother, it has as much meaning to me as celebrating the birthday of Donald Duck, In the sense that he is there, but he isn’t real is he? But do I go and buy loads of crap because a fictional cartoon character have a birthday? No of course I fucking don’t! But I do do it when its baby Jesus’ birthday, even though in my mind he is less real than the bloody duck. Will we stop? No we wont, Christmas wont go away, and neither will the damn duck. So once again my living room will be covered in wrapping paper, I will eat far too much shit, and we will all have a content sense of being very happy little capitalists, or something. Oh the joy of it all, Merry Christmas everyone! I have also this week discovered that I am racist. Well I'm not, but I feel like I am. I hate Polish people, not just a little bit, but a fucking huge amount. On a daily basis my work life is interrupted by Polish people wanting to bully me into selling them something cheaper. Let me explain. I manage a charity shop. I love my job (most days) and like the fact that I make money for people that need it, rather than some bastard in a suit. However, my beautiful little town in recent years, as like many others has seen a large increase in Polish citizens. This does not bother me. As long as they work, pay tax and respect our laws, I really have no problem. However, recently I have had run-ins with several Polish people in my shop. One example was the guy who worked in the shop the other day, and pulled a shirt from the rail, and demanded I let him swap it for the one he was wearing. Err... NO! I pointed out we were a shop, that y'know SOLD stuff, and not Noel Edmunds bloody swap shop, and if he wanted the shirt, he could pay the £4 pound for it. Did he accept this? Well he seemed too, until he then decided he should have the shirt for £3 not £4. Biting my tongue, which anyone who knows me takes a massive effort. I repeated the price and told him he would have to pay the full price. Eventually he did, and I served him politely, without growling. This incident is not a one off, it happens at least 2 or 3 times a day, my favourite being the Polish Big Issue seller who placed a brand new pair of trainers on the counter, and when told the price, pointed to his Big Issue badge and tried to get me to halve the price. And I'd like to point out, I was alone in the shop at the time, and this guy was fucking huge! Intimidation? I don’t doubt it for a minute. He thought this tiny 5ft 2 girl was going to crumple like a cream cracker. Well he picked on the wrong girl didn’t he? I pointed out to him that he could have the trainers if the next few times I saw him selling the Big Issue, I could point to my charity badge, and get a few free copies....... nah didn't think so! Silly fucker, so forgive me for being anti Polish, I don’t want to be, but come on, you can hardly blame me now can you?
Quick And Dirty Hits: Victoria Beckham has claimed husband David "huge " package, seen recently in an ad campaign for Armani underwear, is ALL his. If that’s true, than how the hell did he fit it inside her, she's fucking tiny! Those kids come from somewhere... do Tesco's sell turkey basters? Apparently, it's so big, you can see it from space. And I thought Liam's CD collection was the only thing you could see from space... Chelsea player Paulo Ferreira has revealed the team listen to Leona Lewis before games. Words fail me, if that’s true, then I'm convinced it's all the doing of fat Frankie… Coldplay have given their fans a treat (No Chris Martin is still alive) and covered The Pretenders "2000" miles for Christmas, Chris Martin was quoted as saying "In fact the one song I would most liked to have written is ‘Fairytale of New York’ by de bloody Pogues of Ireland." Don’t you FUCKING DARE!... Jamie-Lynn Spears, little sister of Pop's Trailer Trash Queen Britney is pregnant. Pregnant!! For fucks sake, she's 16 years old. Her "long term" partner Casey Aldridge is the father. Sixteen and has a long term partner?? Have they been together since birth?? Seriously I'm so glad I don’t have a daughter, the parents of these two must be so fucking proud! Time for a bigger trailer for the Spears family then? So does that mean Britney will assume the role of "Mad auntie?" She could ring me for tips, I hold that position in my family, and proudly so… Singer and all round waster (but I still loves her) Amy Winehouse has been questioned by police. Has someone finally made a complaint about her hair? No, something to do with perverting the course of justice. I blame the husband, as my nana says, he is a wrong 'un. Though I do think her hair needs an investigation, I mean, what the fuck does she keep in there? I'm hoping a goat and possibly some strong cheese...
The charts, you know the drill!
10. Cascada: What hurts the Most (All Around The World) - My ears at the moment actually you silly bint, fuck off back to Ibiza , or some island full of skanks. Your fucking shit. Victim no.5, killed by a glowstick.. Use your imagination.
9. T2 Ft Jodie Alysha: Heartbroken (2nv/aatw/mnb) - Fuck, I knew my good mood wouldn’t last, and I do wish you so called fucking pop stars would have proper names. You never get pop stars called Larry anymore do you??
8. The Pogues feat. Kirsty MacColl: Fairytale of New York(Warner Bros) - Thank fucking Christ! There is a glimmer of hope in this dark dark place. Not just any old Crimbo song, it's THE Crimbo song. Of which I still have an original 7" vinyl copy off, which I will stroke lovingly later. Should be number one at Crimbo for the rest of time.
7. Take That: Rule the World (Polydor) - Still weeping..........
6. Timbaland presents Onerepublic: Apologize (Blackground/Inter) - Why is he still in the top ten? Seriously, I’m weeping now. He's like a bad dose of thrush. Irritating and hard to get rid off.
5. Girls Aloud: Call the Shots (Fascination) - See last week for method of killing.
4. Mariah Carey: All I Want for Christmas ( Columbia ) – Victim no.3, trampled by a horse, seemingly so. Which is ironic, killed by the very thing she resembles...
3. Soulja Boy Tellem: Crank That (Interscope) - You really expect me to listen to someone who cant spell. If he cant spell, what the hell is his vocal talent like? Like fucking shit I would presume.
2. Leona Lewis: Bleeding Love (Syco Music) - I'd do her second, with a large pointy spear.
1. Eva Cassidy & Katie Melua: What a Wonderful World (Dramatico) - See, now I like Eva Cassidy’s voice, but Katie Melua is one of those singers that makes me want to become a serial killer, Who specialises in killing female singers. I'd do her first, with a cheese wire.
I'm off to read Kerrang magazine. I feel dirty and used now, never before have I seen a list so full of incompetent fucks, no.8 excluded - OBVIOUSLY.
