The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Thirty Two by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 22. Form, we haz found it]
Do you remember a few weeks back when I said that the Hit Parade would be here every week until the end of the year? Well you should all know by now that as far as Straw Donkeys goes, we can only go a few months at most before instantaneous breakdown of writing abilities. This last break however was not due to me suffering another complete and utter mental explosion but something much more simple than that. Yes, the curse of a slow news week was the cause and as such I had about 400 words down on Thursday morning and realised that it just wasn't worth dragging out what little I had to a full blown article. Aside from that, the Official Girlfriend has lent me a copy of 'The Time Traveller's Wife' which I can only describe as 'chick lit for geeks' but I am officially in love with the book, but a part of me feels that there will not be a happy ending in this. I would also like to say that if anyone has finished it to not email me and tell me how it ends, because then I will get angry. Angry and hungry. Anyway, I think I have waffled on for far too long and said nothing of relevance so let's see how I dissect this week's big stories.
I Gave You My Soul, You Gave Me Crappy Awards: Straw Donkeys has long since contended that awards mean nothing to musicians because when you think about it logically, what means more to a person - recognition from a faceless group of supposed experts or millions in the bank? After all, a Grammy won't pay your electric bill will it? Straw Donkeys has also long railed against the proliferation of both music based talent contest reality shows and the subsequently fucking dreadful records that are put out by the winners, as they are stifling credibility of people who have spent years trying to make it in favour of a flavour of the month with a three year shelf life. One can only hypothesise that had Oasis been formed right now that they would never have gotten to a position where they could sell 250,000 tickets to two gigs in less than 12 hours, and would instead have been forced to go before Simon Cowell to get their big break. What this is all leading to is that two former American Idol contestants who Straw Donkeys have never heard of have swept the board at the American Music Awards, with one in particular beating Justin Timberlake in the presumably prestigious 'Favourite Pop-Rock' album category. I have no fucking idea why I have gone all Tuesday Morning Quarterback while writing this item, and normal service will be resumed below. Hopefully.
Let The Hyperbole Begin: In recent weeks I have become embroiled in several wars of words over Leona Lewis, the most recent winner of TV's 'X-Factor'. An acquaintance of mine who shall remain nameless was endlessly praising Lewis' various vocal talents that she had demonstrated to various producers, as well as other fascinating technical facts that her voice possessed. My counter-argument was, and indeed still is, that she has released two singles, one of which was pony and the other was a blatant rip-off of Whitney Houston's 'Your Love' from a few years back. However, the media have been constantly bigging Lewis' up as simply the biggest thing to happen to music since the last biggest thing ever to happen to music despite at the time having released one single. Now that her album has replaced the Arctic Monkeys' 'Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not' album as the fastest selling debut album by a British artist, the hyperbole will not doubt continue to be sprayed, as well as all sorts of accolades and plaudits. But… if she still has a career in five years time and is remembered a decade from now, then we can measure success. Not fucking before!
You Are Not Relevant Any More: Anyone who happened to read mine and Claire's review of the Reading Festival will surely know that I have no more fucking time left for the Red Hot Chili Peppers. So this week any possible warmth I may have had left was thoroughly extinguished when they launched a frivolous law suit against the makers of TV series 'Californication'. The suit alleges that the word 'Californication' is "immediately associated in the minds of the consumer" with the Chili Pepper's single of the same name, that the show should change its name and profits raised from it be disgorged. Anthony Kiedis said, and I wish he was fucking joking but I'm afraid he's not, "for some TV show to come along and steal our identity is not right." Oh for fuck's sake you egotistical fuck monkey! 'Californication' was a steaming pile of donkey shite and you have only released two singles in the last decade which could not be described as 'fucking terrible'. You are simply an old man, fronting an old band who are recycling the same old fucking shit year after year and praying no-one will notice. I haven't watched any of the TV show, but I'd probably gain more enjoyment from one minute's viewing than ever hearing a single fucking note you and your fucking band mates produce ever again. Twat.
Quick And Dirty Hits: MTV is to launch an Arabic Channel. Now the terrorists of the world can watch fucking shit reality shows in their own language… Thom Yorke has admitted that he didn't pay a penny for downloading Radiohead's new album. Bugger that makes my head hurt… Velvet Revolver have cancelled their forthcoming Japanese tour due to an inability to get work visas. See kids, drugs are bad… Stevie Wonder recently performed a gig in Selfridges in London . Fucking Selfridges? What next, Chico performing at the Leighton Buzzard Aldi?...
Not The Karma Whore Corner: And not a rant either, as this is a special sneak peek at an article I am currently aiming to finish by the end of the year as a special bonus. Shall we begin? "Most of my readers found this site thanks to my reviews of Most Haunted Live where I would gleefully poke fun at the team’s appearance and the sheer mind numbing stupidity of the whole shebang. And as I only started doing the reviews properly in 2005-ish where the show started rapidly going down the shitter, most people have only seen what later, incredibly stupid shows Antix produced whereas back in the day the show wasn’t that bad. In fact, what nowadays is a show that has gone past self-parody and turned into an awful, mind-numbing exercise in tedium used to be a fairly decent, sensible and relatively serious look into the paranormal. This article hopefully will show how Most Haunted Live went from 1 million a viewers a night in a 2004 Live Special to barely scraping a quarter of that number in 2007, with looks at the fakery and deceit which have blighted the show. I’ll also point out that all the nonsense that has plagued the show was totally self-inflicted due to two catastrophic nights which marked both the high point and the beginning of the show’s decline. So make yourself a beverage of choice, get yourself comfortable or even print this out, it’s going to be a long one…"
What? Me do the charts? But I don't want to? You'll do what? You wouldn't! You're not joking are you? Fuck fuck fuck… Oh, you will do it? Thank fuck for that…The Karma Whore takes you through the charts!
10. Sugarbabes: About You Now ( Island ) - Why is this still in the top ten?? Fuck off Heidi you squinty bitch, you're starting to annoy.
9. Runrig Ft Tartan Army: Loch Lomand (Ridge) - Probably something to do with football, and considering I'm watching quite possibly the most bizarre England game ever right now, I feel too confused to comment further.
8. Bloc Party: Flux ( Wichita Recordings) - It's Bloc Party, therefore it automatically pisses over anything else in the top ten. Why? Because I said so.
7. Westlife: Home (S) - I want my £50,000 back, that hitman clearly didn't do the job. Unless they have been replaced by robots, and if they had would we notice or even give a shit. Now I have mental pictures of Louis Walsh getting bum raped by robotic Westlife......... NURSE!!!!!!!!
6. Alicia Keys: No One (J) - Not heard it, couldn't be arsed to listen to it. Its Alicia Keys, therefore my conclusion is that it will bore me to death in two seconds flat.
5. Mark Ronson feat. A** W********: Valerie ( Columbia ) - I still like this, it's a great cover of a great song. And I have ONLY just realised how ironic Amy's surname is.
4. Kylie Minogue: Two Hearts (Parlophone) - I hate it, its drivel. Nice arse though.......
3. Timbaland feat. One Republic: Apologize (Background/Inter) - "meh meh" Ooh twice, 'citing isn't it??
2. Take That: Rule The World (Polydor) - Meh. That's all it lakes me do, it makes me go "Meh". Which is uninspiring.
1. Leona Lewis: Bleeding Love (Syco Music) - I'm torn, as I loathe R&B, and I loathe any form of reality "make me a pop idol and shag me silly Mr Cowell" type of programme. But I think this is a very well produced, good quality pop song. Either that or I finally have gone proper fucking mental.
The Karma Whore’s Final Word: I hate doing this, why do I do it?? No fucking clue, I think The Mighty Boosh should release their Eel song, then you fuckers would know what real music sounds like......Altogether now.. "Eels up inside ya, finding an entrance where they can, Eels up inside ya..........."
The Final Final Word: "Water firms warn it is hard to remove brown from drinking water" - from a report that British streams and rivers are becoming healthier due to a fall in pollution. But I'm so glad they're doing their best to remove the brown, I really am.