The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Thirty One by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 7. I thought it was more]
(Warning – Liam is about to go emo) Recently, I have been getting praise (though not via email you lazy gits) for some of the stuff that I have written here in conjunction with the Karma Whore. Now it’s pretty easy for me to praise her writing because it is usually very, very funny but my own stuff? I’m my own worst fucking critic, I really am. I’ve even gone back and re-read some of my earlier stuff and some of it is really, really bad which is why my upcoming opus on Most Haunted is so different because I really think that what I have written so far is the best stuff I have ever written. However, my own lack of self-confidence is manifesting itself in other areas and that really does suck. I’m told that I’m pretty good at my job yet I still manage to waste at least an hour if not more a day playing card games or browsing the internet. Away from work, this crippling self-doubt is even worse as I am continually convinced that the worst thing to ever happen to me is just around the corner even though I’m being continually reassured that it’s not. Why the fuck is this happening? Am I completely fucking insane? Do I need to go to see a psychiatrist to sort this crap out? I don’t think I do as I have a gorgeous and supportive girlfriend, a wonderful family both immediate and a little more distant and a well-paid job and yet I am still continually telling myself it’s all going to come crashing down around my feet at a moment’s notice. Still, it’s better to get all this stuff out and into the eyes of my readers than keep it all locked up I suppose. And with all that emo bollocks out of the way, onto the news!
The Internet Is Dying: First there was MySpace and its various success stories like Lily Allen and the Arctic Monkeys. Then came Facebook and its little brother Bebo which essentially destroyed any need for message boards and the like, as well as filling up my inbox with a shit load of crap about SuperPokes and FunWalls that I truly detest. The next big step forward in social networking (a truly amusing term considering that it's all done through computers) is a site launched by Kylie 'The Arse' Minogue whereby she will take all the features of the above sites to allow her fans to communicate with each other, but all it will do is combine a single Facebook Group with the video and music features of MySpace with the commenting ability of a message board. I seriously think that in ten years time there will only be one website left in existence as everything eats each other, and hopefully this pile of shit site will get swallowed as a whole along with it, meaning I won't have to write anything again.
Your Irregularly Scheduled P*** D****** Death Watch: So here I am at 5pm on Wednesday evening, scanning NME.com’s news page for some titbits I can stretch into an article where I am confronted by not one but SIX stories out of fucking twenty concerning Straw Donkeys second least favourite music celebrity not similarly named to Samey Horseface. Fuck me, when is either the Crown Prosecution Service, Metropolitan Police or some random passer-by with a baseball bat going to stop this twat and get him some place where I don’t have to have him polluting every single newspaper I read in the morning. This week’s furore concerns a video showing the cretin injecting heroin after claiming to have been clean after his god-knows-how-many rehab stint, a period where my attitude towards him was warming ever so slightly but when I say slightly I’m talking about a change in temperature so insignificant that it would perhaps melt a teaspoon’s worth of ice off of a glacier (pre-global warming of course). But now just throw the fucker in jail and let him rot for all I care, he’s had enough fucking chances.
Revenge Of The Midgets: The internet is at times a horrible place, full of nightmare inducing porn, racist bile and all sorts of other nastiness. It has also pushed the boundaries of what is and isn’t free speech to the limit and as such I can rip into anyone I like without fear of remorse. However, the Paisley Midget himself, Prince, has gone on a clampdown of fan-run websites like Donald Rumsfeld with a hard-on. The Artist Formerly Known As Scribble has threatened legal action against some sites for what he says are full of “critical commentary” as well as pictures, lyrics and other materials. Okay, his performance at half time of the Super Bowl was very good, but Prince hasn’t been relevant since the mid 90s so this is pretty much a typical “Liam needs a third story and can’t be arsed to dig out another one” piece.
Quick And Dirty Hits: Led Zeppelin's comeback gig has been delayed after Jimmy Page fractured a finger, an injury no doubt caused by him counting the money he's going to get for it… Christina Aguilera is pregnant. Yes I am filling… The Spice Girls new video was edited on its debut on BBC One due to raunchiness. And the raunchiness was provided by of all people Posh Spice, who is far away from raunchy as I am from good looking… Britney Spears was beaten to the number one spot in the UK Album Chart by The Eagles. Hey you, at the back, stop laughing… Meatloaf's European Tour has been cancelled due to the singer having a cyst in his throat… Ian Brown is to release a single sung in Japanese…
Not The Karma Whore Corner: Back in the distant past, sport used to be something we either did in our spare time or paid money to enjoy people doing it for our entertainment. But recently, all the fun seems to have been sucked out of the game. Chad Johnson of the NFL’s Cincinnati Bengals was recently fined for a touchdown celebration wherein he used the football as a video camera. Had he not done so, he would not have been fined a penny. Also in the NFL, Detroit Lion’s quarterback Jon Kitna turned up to a Halloween party in a costume designed to pke fun at one of the team’s coaching staff who attempted to go through a Wendy’s drive-thru restaurant both drunk and naked. To top of the costume, his wife (very attractive by the way) dressed up as a Wendy’s drive-thru operator. Yet what was meant to be a gentle poke at fun (Kitna himself was sent up at the same party as a couple turned up thumping bibles to gently poke fun at Kitna’s religious beliefs) was condemned by some in the media as tasteless. And yet here in the UK Stephen Ireland, who told the Irish FA that both his grandmothers had died so he could return home to comfort his wife who had just miscarried (a good enough reason in itself to be sent home from international duty) drops his shorts to reveal a pair of Superman pants and there is a widespread plea to the FA not to fine him. So is this just a santizing American thing where despite being the land of the free they want their sports sanitised for the corporate suits? Well the NFL in particular has to be seen to be doing something, with players being arrested all over the place, accusations of cheating being placed in the lap of the New England Patriots as well as the unsavoury Michael Vick saga but to suck all the fun and spontaneity out of what is just a game is bit too much. So if someone tells you that all the fun has been sucked out of football, just tell them to be glad that the players aren’t being fined for celebrating scoring goals.
Check out the titties on this beee-yatch... is what the child is thinking
The charts are taken by Claire, while I take a much needed rest...
10. Mcfly: The heart never lies (Island) - Not to be confused with Bucks Fizz's ‘My camera never lies’, which you should download now, because it’s better than this, and wouldn’t it be funny if they got into the charts again? It would make Cheryl Bakers day, go on, its help an 80's pop star week, please give generously.
9. Hoosiers: Goodbye Mr A (RCA) - ELO, EMO, ELMO, please don’t expect me to care, I just don’t (see below).
8. Freemasons Feat Bailey Tzuke: Uninvited (Loaded) - I am immensely proud that I have no idea what this sounds like all the way through, nor will I find out, and will I care? Doubtful.
7. Britney Spears: Gimme More (Jive) - I don’t like to kick a dog when it’s down, so I will kick Britney instead, she no dog, she redneck!
6. Sugababes: About you now ( Island ) - Anytime now the threesome will ditch the new girl and draft in Anne Widdicombe. Poptastic!
5. Mark Ronson feat. Amy Winehouse: Valerie ( Columbia ) - She may be madder than a bag of monkeys, but I love this tune.
4. Timbaland Presents One Republic : Apologize (Blackground/Inter) – Don’t like it, and for all you fact fans it might interest you to know the last time the top ten was a "Timbaland free" zone was July 1972.
3. Westlife: Home (S) - I know on 'Donkeys we like a swear word now and then, but even this would be too much to take, so here is my opinion **** * **** ** ******** *** ****** **** **** ** ******* ****
2. Take That: Rule the World (Polydor) - I like the video, for no other reason than Howard looks hot. Fickle? Moi? Oh absolutely.
1. Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love (Syco Music) - I DON’T watch the X factor, nor do I wish too, but it has to be said this girl HAS talent. So the best thing she can do is run, run like the wind from the high-trousered man-boobed troglodyte that is Simon Cowell, and do it on her own.
Claire’s Final Word On The Charts: Buy something I can actually listen to, otherwise I will do bad things to hamsters.
The Final Final Word: “pmsl its emo skeletor ha ha ha ha” – my friend Shazzz on my City Of Heroes costume.