The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Thirty by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 17. Still embarrassing!]
Welcome once again to the cavalcade of crap that is the Hit Parade. As many of you know, this column was once the bastard lovechild of Joey Sarajevo who every kindly sent me a comment on our Reading coverage. He also said that he thinks the decision to retire from the Donkeys was the best thing he ever did, which is either a back handed compliment or an indication that the site is going into the toilet. Either way Joey, could you email the Karma Whore about the state of your hair? Her email address should be at the very top of our sister article this week, or better yet email me and I'll put you two in contact. So with that out of the way is there anything left for me to add? Well apart from the loving delusions of Slough Town fans crying that every team they play is average or worse yet they can't win (here's a hint boys: the team is fucking shit), my opinions on a honest to goodness NFL game (see below) there ain't much else to chat about really. If this seems a little half-arsed by the way, well I've had a busy week and need to have this done by Wednesday so if anything big breaks tomorrow, I'll catch up with it next week sometime.
Another Reason To Love The Streets: And not the streets as in the ones you live in. Back to the point in hand, and a lot has been made recently of Radiohead’s decision to sell their latest album in a ‘pay as much as you like’ manner. So leave it to Mike Skinner of The Streets to poke a little fun at the situation. When talking about his online video blog, he said that rather than go through the Radiohead system for choosing your own payment, the merchandise (should it go on sale) will be “reassuringly expensive”. Ah, Mike, a beacon of self-deprecation in a scene full of up-their-own-arse fuckers and whiny emo twats.
The Most Dangerous Career In The Universe: It has to be said that being a rock star is nowhere near as dangerous as say being a police officer, soldier or one of those people who distribute those shitty free papers outside tube stations in central London . So this week let's have a big round of hugs for the poor little pop darlings who have managed to get themselves bed ridden. First into casualty was Howard Donald of reformed boy band take that who gave himself a chest injury ranging from bruised ribs to a collapsed lung after fucking up a back flip in Europe . Second in the beds this week was former Moloko warbler Roisin Murphy who according to the BBC's website (alongside a truly horrifying picture) smacked herself upside the head on a chair while on stage. Pop stars, eternal vigilance! BREAKING NEWS: Fall Out Boy’s *ahem* “bassist” and resident pretty boy Pete Wentz has broken his foot.
Not Big. Not Clever: Since time began, or at least when overdrive guitar pedals were manufactured, rock stars with guitars have had a long fascination with trashing stuff. Either hotel rooms or their own equipment, whatever they destroy tends to be really fucking expensive but at least kind of rational. Nirvana destroyed stuff because they could, The Who destroyed hotel rooms because they were high on drugs. Biffy Clyro have taken it to a whole new level after destroying not only equipment but even the very stage they were playing on. And the reason for this outburst? The guys were having a hissy fit because their set was cut short, but it very nearly turned nasty as an audience member punched one of the band after nearly being hit by a flying microphone. You know what, I hope it fucking hurt you big fucking twat of a rock star.
Another Distribution Method Story: Every week I seem to be reporting on some sort of new way to sell music to the masses, and each week it's usually new bands that occasionally get in the charts who are driving this new way of hearing stuff. So to say it was a shock about who had come up with yet another innovative method of distributing their new album. That's right kids, Cliff Richard has joined the ranks of the pioneers by coming up with a new way of selling his album. Pre-order it now and pay £7.99 but if enough people follow suit then the price will likewise come tumbling down. Well you have got to hand it to the man, but recording a cover of Daniel Bedingfield's 'If You're Not The One' is pretty sacrilegious in my book. What? I've grown to like the song, okay? Fuckers.
Baseball. Not gay
Quick And Dirty Hits: Kylie Minogue is to receive some sort of longevity award. Like I care… Duran Duran have had another video band. Seriously guys, you’re old, you don’t need to do this sort of shit… Finnish pants metallers HIM are rumoured to be performing the next James Bond theme… Britney Spears is in trouble again, this time for having promotional photos taken in a confessional box. And yes, the irony was probably intentional…
The Not The Karma Whore Corner: When Yahoo! Sport’s Michael Silver had the nerve to suggest that the Super Bowl could one day be played in London you could sense that the hate mail would be as vitriolic as it was insular. Still, after Sunday’s game at Wembley between the New York Giants and Miami Dolphins, could America ’s premier sporting event be finding its way over here in the future? More on that in a bit, but let’s get to the game shall we? It wasn’t a great match, littered with penalties and wayward passes, but considering the weather (a steady rain pretty much from the early hours of Sunday morning through to the start of the fourth quarter) that was to be expected. Also, the penalties were high because I believe the players on either team didn’t think that the crowd would be a factor at all, and yet the deafening boos rained down on John Terry at the coin toss (just because he plays for Chelski) should have keyed both sides in to the fact that if required, Wembley could be a fucking noisy place. And what a stadium it is! Escalators taking you up to the top tier, a large selection of bars and food outlets (though the bar nearest to my seats was out of beer before half-time!) and the view, even from my seat at the very top and back of the stadium was magnificent. Back to the game, and the Giants certainly had a look about them that said they didn’t want to lose to a Dolphins team that had yet to register a win all season, while the team from Florida didn’t look necessarily awful, but the lack of a deep receiving threat meant the Giants could simply stuff the box (area between the offensive linemen where running backs usually run the ball) and almost dare the Dolphins to try and throw past them. Still, a few highlights were Eli Manning scampering past Jason Taylor for the very first touchdown ever scored outside of the Americas , and Ted Ginn Jr.’s beautiful catch to bring Miami to within three points at the end. It goes without saying that anyone who watched it in the States instantly forgot the game, but for the 81,000 who were there, and the tantalising sight of future games certainly got the pulse racing. As for the Superbowl? Well the crowd showed that us Europeans do know our stuff when it comes to American football, and London already has the infrastructure in terms of hotels and transport to get people to and from the game. The only sticking point might be the game’s possible 9pm starting time but I’m sure they can work that detail out. We’ve seen it, we’ve touched it, so now could the NFL please give us more? Not too much more, as you never want to ruin a good thing.
Okay, okay, I admit it. I'm impressed .
I’m really running out of sweary fucking intros to the actual chart rundown, but at least I listened to them all this week. I hope you fucking appreciate it…
10. Oasis: Lord Don't Slow Me Down (Big Brother) – Well they’ve gone from beefed up 90s approximations of The Beatles to a slightly more withdrawn version of glam rock. I have no idea whether this is a good thing or no.
9. Hoosiers: Goodbye Mr A (RCA) – Well the Karma Whore was right, they do sound like ELO. But they’re so much more fucking worse that it’s not even funny. See me, I’m not laughing.
8. Freemasons feat. Bailey Tzuke: Uninvited (Loaded) – My God, it’s ABBA gone 90s disco, but so much fucking more terrible than that could possibly be. And ABBA going disco is pretty hard to fucking screw up.
7. Timbaland Presents One Republic : Apologize (Polydor) – It’s a Timbaland beat alright, but bolted on to some sort of weird boy band shit. Get back to the streets mister!
6. Britney Spears: Gimme More (Jive) – Sounds like Timbaland’s warmed up leftovers, ‘The Way I Are’ to be precise. And people are actually giving her new album GOOD reviews?
5. Mark Ronson feat. Amy Winehouse: Valerie (Columbia) – Come in the pair of you, your fifteen minutes of irritation are up. And take P*** D****** with you while you’re fucking at it.
4. Sugababes: About You Now (Island) – The first two Sugababes albums are in my record collection because they are great pop records with just the hint of attitude. This has neither attitude nor greatness about it.
3. McFly: The Heart Never Lies (Island) – That the only version of this I can find is a radio edit leaves me to pray that Joey Sarajevo’s favourite pop band maybe swear all over the original.
2. Take That: Rule The World (Polydor) – It’s fucking Take That, do you expect me to say something nice?
1. Leona Lewis: Bleeding Love (Syco Music) – Oh look who’s tried to go down the ‘urban Whitney Houston’ route? I don’t waste my fucking time with crappy talent show winners, and neither should you especially as the next X-Factor winner looks like Hitler’s poster boy for the Aryan generation.
The Final Word: "Why all the support for the McCanns? They left three children under the age of four on their own to go for a night out while on holiday/ If they were working class, they'd have a social worker knocking on their door" - A Daily Mirror reader sums up my feelings on the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.