The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Twenty Nine by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 12. It's embarrassing!]
Sometimes, life can kick you upside the head in the most bizarre ways. Fortunately, this isn’t one of those times and as this rambling introduction to the worst column in the universe will no doubt prove. After a burst of creativity linked to finally getting our Reading Festival coverage up and running, I’m finally running on empty again. I have no idea why I get bursts of writing and then it suddenly stops but it happens. Still no matter what happens I’m determined to get this weekly column up to its hundredth edition by hook or by crook, and with Claire helping out when demands we may well just get there. Also, this is a plea to Joey, Carly and Dr Pope: I need you people back and writing. Please!
My So Called Life (In Prison): The turbulent life and times of supposed rapper Foxy Brown have been quick and dirty hit fodder for this very column for months now but I felt it would probably be a good idea to collate all the various twists and turns into one extended item especially as the story has taken yet another hilarious twist. A while back, Brown was given a suspended sentence over a fight in a nail salon in New York . She violated her probation by refusing to turn up to anger management classes, leaving New York without permission of the court and (and this is another hilarious twist) throwing her mobile phone at someone who complained about the volume of her car stereo. The court appearance on the latter item was no-showed after Brown decided she didn't want to travel on the prison bus. Anyway, she has now been placed in solitary confinement for refusing to take a drugs test, being abusive to guards and getting into a fight with a fellow prisoner. Serious, when will the fucking hilarity end?
Where Did It All Go Wrong: You have to feel sorry for Britney Spears don't you? No less than three years ago, she had a successful pop career and was the object of a billion teenage (and probably older) men's fantasies. Now she's looking slightly dishevelled, has come out of marriage with Kevin Federline and looking worse, has lost custody (kind of) of her kids and is savaged by the Karma Whore in her corner below. So this week it should come as no surprise that the fallout from her disastrous performance at MTV's VMA awards is continuing. The dancers who performed on stage with Britney in attempt to make her drunk dancing look better are claiming that they haven't been paid for the rehearsals that in hindsight were pretty pointless. Spears on the other hand, has got a nifty excuse all lined up as she sacked her management company a few days after the show, who happen to be the people who were meant to be paying the dancers. It's a hard fucking life being one of those anonymous drones on stage with no chance of stardom isn't it?
Why Come Back: A majority of the major news items I paste here I generally don't quote from because I'm fucking funnier when I twist it round to say what I want it to say. Does that make me the pop equivalent of a Fox News presenter? Did I just call myself pop? Anyway, the Spice Girls were recently filming the video to their brand new single and it seems that there were ego clashes and odd behaviour all round. Don't believe me? Let me quote an anonymous source: "Things were very delayed. The director was tearing his hair out and threatening to walk...The girls were so tired and Emma was crying as the shoot just went on and on...Geri kept slowing things down by meditating and doing strange spiritual stuff....It's just like before but now their egos are even bigger." It goes without saying that Posh and Scary were also cited for their diva-like behaviour, but Geri meditating? Get the fuck out of here!
Random Notes From My MP3 Player: Well I finally shelled out for a brand spanking new Creative Zen Stone Plus 2Gb MP3 player to replace my piece of fucking shit Samsung one and I have to say I'm very happy with it. As a result, I've finally been able to listen to all the albums I've been given this year and have been unable to listen to up until now. So would y'all like to read my opinions? Too fucking late motherfuckers… The Arcade Fire’s ‘Neon Bible’ is your album of the year. After a quick browse through The Clash’s back catalogue I have one thing to say to modern day impressionists like Green Day and the Offspring to emo bands like My Chemical Fall Out At The Disco: “Often imitated, NEVER BETTERED”. The Wu Tang Clan’s ‘Enter The 36 Chambers’ may well be the best rap album of all time. Hey Kaiser Chiefs, you may want to change the formula a little bit, you know? Hey Lostprophets, I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt as your first two albums are great. Speaking of Joe Strummer’s mob, and judging by their ‘Stars Of CCTV’ album, Hard Fi may well be The Clash’s spiritual heirs. Q magazine once said that ABC’s ‘Lexicon Of Love’ was their one shot at pop perfection, and bugger me it is. Gerling may well be the electronic Arcade Fire. The Manic Street Preachers ‘Send Away The Tigers’ has been hailed as a return to their roots, but I don’t recall early Manics using ABBA-esque harmonies.
Quick And Dirty Hits: A** W******** has said that she drinks because she's insecure about the way she looks. Congratulations on stating the obvious you horse faced, talent free piece of shit, now fuck off into obscurity where you belong… A judge has removed P*** D******'s drug treatment order. Why can't he fuck off into obscurity too… P Diddy may be shilling vodka in the future. Is there nothing this man won’t put his name to?... Jimmy Eat World will be touring the UK in February. I’m so there dude… Simply Red are to split up. And lo, there was much dancing and rejoicing…
The Karma Whore Corner: Having struggled to find something that grips my shit enough this week, this isn’t really a rant. Call it a general rambling instead. There are a few things that have bothered me, Britney Spears is still annoying the shit out of me, or should I say her family is. Apparently they seem to think she is a good candidate for suicide. I bloody hope they are wrong, though I can see why they would think this. Despite the fragile state of her tiny mind, surely she wouldn’t? Hopefully the fact she has two very small children is enough to keep her from going down that path. And the other reason it bugs me is that IF she did end up this way, then the media will no doubt do another of their massive u turns and make some sort of martyr out of her, like they did with Diana, and before long, there will be Britney commemorative merchandise for sale…. Britney ashtray anyone?? Actually that’s kind of appropriate…… I also thought I could list all the lovely/ horrid things that have happened in the week of the Karmawhore. It’s not been the best of weeks, but I’ve had worse: I got shit on by a pigeon; I got puked on by a tiny child; There is so much crap coming out of my nose I swear pixies have opened an apple sauce factory up there; Had most of my hair cut off, and I think I have lost all my superpowers because of this; Had a moment of madness and invited my mother over for Christmas; Banged my head against a wall after I did the above; Tried to review “Ghost hunting” with Mcfly” for this very website, and gave up after 12 minutes; Brought something rude for my friend Jane; Brought Liam’s Christmas present; Ate far too much cake. My life is real thrill a minute stuff isn’t it? The one that concerns me the most is my inability to write up the review for “ghost hunting with” given that I’m meant to write some of the ‘Donkeys MH live review later this month. And since Liam bribed me with a present, I HAVE to do it. I’m fucked………..
Claire takes the charts just so I don't shoot myself in the head while attempting it myself…
10. Shayne Ward: No you hang up (Syco Music) - Restraining order on its way Mr Ward, a good Justin impersonation granted. But there was no excuse for your improper use of mayonnaise. Dirty ho.
9. 50 Cent feat. Timberlake & Timbaland: Ayo Technology (Interscope) - If anyone knows where I can get pics of Justin's trouser snake, please e mail me. It's important that I see it.
8. Freemasons feat. Bailey Tzuke: Uninvited (Loaded) - I thought Freemasons were the type of people who knew what to do with guns, oil based lubricant and ferrets (I added the cherry bakewells, for I am genius). So not having heard this I better not slate it, they might "get me" or something…
7. Mika: Happy Ending (Casablanca/Island) - I could think of many a happy ending for you Mika, many involve guns, oil based lubricant, ferrets and cherry bakewells, oh how I would laugh........
6. Timbaland feat One Republic : Apologize (Polydor) - Is his name actually Timbaland Feat? Or just Timbaland? Because he seems to "feat" a lot.
5. Ida Corr feat Fedde Le Grande: Let me think about it (Data) - It's just noise, its fucking rubbish. Is there something in the gene pool of this country that means now people are born without ears?? I'd rather shag Jeremy Kyle than sit through this utter, utter shit.
4. Hoosiers: Goodbye Mr A (RCA) - This isn't a band called the Hoosiers, it's ELO.
3. Britney Spears: Gimme more (Jive) - More what? Class A drugs? Lesbian sex? Booze? If her performance at that music award thingy that I fail to remember the name of is anything to go by, she's already in a coma and "more" definitely isn't a good idea
2. Mark Ronson feat Amy Winehouse: Valerie ( Columbia ) - Best single in the top ten, not that that's any great achievement given the utter shite you idiots have been buying. But I like it.
1. Sugarbabes: About you now ( Island ) - Infectious twaddle, that doesn't sound good does it? I mean if you went up to someone and said "Infectious Twaddle" they would think you either have a very stupid name, or an STD.
I have just noticed at No.15 in the chart there's a song called "Lets dance with Joy Division" by the Wombats. I misread it and thought it said Wombles... The Wombles do Joy Division, Now THAT I'd pay good money to see...........
The Final Word: “One of the most common misconceptions of me is that I’m very intelligent because I’m well spoken and sometimes read politics. But I’m not actually that intelligent at all” – Will Young