The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Twenty Seven by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 20. It's an upward curve]
Yes, I know it's been almost a month and updates have been… sporadic to say the least since I went down to Brighton for my mate Chris' wedding but I have had good reason. The first is a chronic case of writer's block which has been plaguing me since that particular day, while others include particularly slow news weeks, a lack of motivation on my part, laziness and Civilization 4 and Medieval 2: Total War expansion packs. The last point may now have to expand to cover both Warhammer: Dawn Of War and Sim City 4 and me starting to play football again on Monday nights but I promise that I will try and keep to a regular schedule in the future. Case in point was a fortnight ago when I wrote a Hit Parade that was so fucking terrible I was actually cringing as I was reading it back to myself, so that fucker was tossed straight in the bin. Still, hopefully I have the Karma Whore back on a regular basis (she told me that in writing her sections of this column that she had missed doing it) and with a few musically slanted features coming in the next few weeks we should be able to throw something up here all the way to Christmas. If not, I have a load of exceptionally old Joey Sarajevo articles which I could recycle if the need arises so if the flame haired Adonis is reading this, you have been warned. Aside from all the guff about nothing in particular, we have a full slate of crap with which to educate, entertain and, erm, enform so let's get down to it before I kill myself.
Sweet Baby Jesus: The Lord our saviour has fuck all to do with this, but as we go onwards it will be the first words on your lips. A woman in Minnesota has been ordered to pay $222,000 after it was discovered that she had illegally file-shared 1702 songs online. Well, not 1702 but 24 single tracks which were then in turn stolen by other people the number of times of which you can work out by dividing 1702 by 24. And the answer is not pie. The woman, Jammie Thomas (Lord, she can't even spell her own fucking name) was the first of over 26,000 people who have been sued over illegal file-sharing to take the decision to court and while most of those 26,000 people have settled out of court for a couple of thousand dollars, Thomas' decision has cost her almost a quarter of a million which in real terms will see her lose 25% of her wages for the rest of her working life. The conclusion: DO NOT FUCK WITH RECORD LABELS. Or if you do want to fuck with them, don't get fucking cocky and try and take them to court as they can hire more and better lawyers than you.
Another Pointless Awards Show: I really don't think there is a music related TV channel than VH1. After all, the sole output is endless variations on 'Random Number Most Adjective Like Shocking Moments In History Ever' and repeats of the fucking dross that MTV calls 'original programming'. However, back in the day VH1 used to be the AOR music channel to MTV's young whippersnapper but not anymore because as they say: 'when you go black, you never go back'. Indeed VH1 has had an annual Hip Hop awards show for four years and this year saw Snoop Dogg and Missy Elliot were given some unspecified awards for their musical achievements, but I have to give the Doggfather a special award for the fucking horrendous Burberry coat he is wearing in the BBC's website story. Sweet titty-fucking Christ it's hideous.
Arr! There Be Pirates: In an effort to finally afford that luxury airliner with the gold taps, record labels are embarking upon all sorts of bonkers ideas to take music away from pirates and illegal downloaders and to line their pockets with lucre, with everything from putting albums on flash memory cards to stopping signing crappy reality talent show cast-offs. So leave it to British bands Radiohead and The Charlatans to show how to do it properly. In the case of the former, you can obtain a copy of their new album from any point between free and one hundred quid, while The Charlatans have gone one step further and simply made their new release free (Breaking update: Nine Inch Nails, Oasis and Jamiroquai have also gone the free download route). So eat that you fat fucks in boardrooms across the world, and please make fucking Chico stop. Now.
But Is It Art: A recent survey carried out by people I'm too fucking lazy to research has named Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody' as the greatest video ever. In truth, I think that the song is one of the most over-rated in music history and I don't actually think I've seen the video all the way through and the only thing I can remember is the star wiping of the heads during the horrible 'Galileo' bits. So is it really the greatest video ever? Well it's better than some of the horrendous hip hop videos I've seen recently, the first of which that springs to mind is the 'so pretentious and expensive it's fucking hilarious' video for P Diddly Daddy's 'Triumph'(starring Danny DeVito and Dennis fucking Hopper), but then again most hip hop videos now are so expensive and absurd that they should all be screen on a comedy channel. Then again, so long as they keep packing them with lovely ladies in nice underwear people will keep watching them. Not me though, and not because I'm a nice innocent boy but because I gave up watching all forms of music television when I saw three Shania Twain videos out of five back in 1999.
They're back...
Quick And Dirty Hits: The Spice Girls are to release a new single. RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS… P*** D****** has dismissed claims he tried to kill himself in rehab. Why are you so cruel to me God?... Rapper’s Rap Sheets: Lil’ Wayne – drug possession… Arctic Monkeys have been named Best Band In The World by Q Magazine. That's blatantly wrong as that title belongs to the Foo Fighters… Justin Timberlake has won more awards. What they are, I can't be fucking arsed to find out… Bobby Brown has denied a heart attack. Wait, how the fuck is that supposed to work? Oh he's denying having a heart attack. Why didn't you say that in the fucking first place?...
The Karma Whore Corner: I don’t know if this a rant, it feels like one, but given the nature of the subject I don’t much think screaming and swearing is appropriate. A while ago, I stopped reading newspapers. My choice, I simply had had enough of the complete and utter tripe that was written in them, and I’m not just talking The Sun, or The Mirror, I mean ALL of them. I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world who loathes the Daily Mail with a passion. Then on May 3 rd of this year, a little girl called Madeleine went missing. When it became clear this wasn’t something that was going to be resolved quickly, I started buying papers again. The media is a wonderful thing when it’s on your side, and also when you need help. The British press did a cracking job on keeping Maddy on the front of the papers, therefore making sure she was on every ones mind. Thinking about it, I’m not sure the exact moment it went horribly wrong, because lets face it, it really has. And this rant is about several things, mainly the media and their complete inability to report anything accurately, but also about losing direction. The general public are a fickle bunch, and being a member of a few forums on the intersweb, it became apparent that the wave of support was turning against the McCann’s simply because of a few things that didn’t add up. How do we know they don’t add up? Well the media of course, oh, and not forgetting the fantastic Portuguese police, who I’m assured are genuine police officers and not just some foreigners attempting a Monty Python type sketch. So, we turn. And boy do we turn. GUILTY! We scream. Rumours and whispers traded in the office, over the shop counter, at the school gates…. But why? Take a few minutes and really really think. Do we know the McCann’s? Nope. Do we have a clue how a human being, having lost a child this way would cope? Unlikely. So why did we turn? And then turn again, back to our original thought of innocence? Because we have behaved like the angry mob, allowed ourselves to be led like sheep, by a group of people whose livelihood depends on getting the headlines, selling the most copies, and keeping their slimy little arses in their jobs. Given the nature of what they are reporting on, you would think they would at least attempt accuracy. Appears not, having trawled through the Sunday tabloids today I have been informed that a man called “The Locator” has uncovered a DNA trail that leads to a local beach. Therefore Maddy was taken away by boat. I’m no scientist, so I have no idea how this would work, and the paper doesn’t tell us either. So how credible is this? For all I know this man could have a hat made from metal coat hangers, with crystals dangling from it. Or have magical powers. If he can do this, then why can’t we know how?? Then, the next paper I pick up again has the story of this chap, apparently it’s all quantum physics, And again all the evidence he has collected points to the beach… where the paper claims he has pin pointed a potential burial spot…….. We have lost the point haven’t we? This whole circus is now about hearsay and twisted facts, we have no idea what the bloody hell is going on. Psychics everywhere are jumping on the bandwagon (I’m not even going to get started on that one; I’d be here for hours). What facts do we actually know? The Portuguese police appear to be shit, true. She was left alone with younger siblings, alone in a foreign country, true. But that really is it isn’t it? Nothing else that we have learnt from the media could we honestly, hand on our hearts know to be true. So think twice before you start to speculate, think twice before you believe all that is written. Because hand on MY heart, the only things I know to be true are the following. The media is in equal measures, both evil and wonderful. And last, but by no means least, Maddy is still out there somewhere, so lets concentrate on her, and not who can sell the most papers………
The Karma Whore takes the charts this week, just so I don't assplode…
10. Kanye West: Stronger (Mercury) - You rip off Daft Punk, wear shit glasses and upset 50 Cent (only in a suit would I go there) but damn you Kanye, my booty has just shook a little bit. Damn those pork pies and their saturated fats, still it works for Beyonce... now you come here to me and get some...
9. Scouting for Girls: She's So Lovely (Epic) - I am imagining this song is written for me, and yes, women over thirty are dirty. I'm poor. I have a tin bath in front of the fire, I stink. Third song this week I actually like, what the fuck is going on? Either I'm getting soft, or I'm losing my bitchy edge...
8. Feist: 1234 (Polydor) - Well they can count to four, well done. Now fuck off.
7. Mark Ronson ft Amy Winehouse: Valerie ( Columbia ) - Oh I love this, and I can’t say I love two songs in the top ten, it's unheard of. Mark Ronson, your an evil genius, I'm so sorry I was mean about you before, now send me a free copy of your album, I’m poor y'know. I'm doing this on a typewriter, and then sending it by carrier pigeon to Liam, no really, it's the truth
6. Sean Kingston: Beautiful Girls (Beluga Heights/Epic) - I hate it, I hate it so much, it’s like Shaggy but shitter. It makes Chico sound like a proper singer. It makes me want to hurt someone. Why do you fools buy this shit?? It's to spite me isn’t it? Bastards.
5. Plain White T's: Hey There Delilah (Angel/Hollywood) - Not awful. Not good. The Karma Whore feels indifference; this is not a good thing.
4. 50 Cent feat. Justin Timberlake & Timbaland: Ayo Technology (Interscope) - I love this! I really, really do, and I shouldn't, but have you seen the video?? 50 in a suit, and Justin, my darling Justin. It's an R n B sandwich that needs a Karma Whore filling. Seriously though, I downloaded this, and I wasn't drunk, therefore it must have something... Justin, Justin, Justin... oh Justin, I’ll be right back....
3. Shayne Ward: No You Hang Up (Syco Music) - NO , Shayne YOU hang up, stop calling me. No matter how much I squint, you just don't look enough like my Justin. Well ok, I confess I would, but only if I was drunk enough. And I don’t think there's enough red wine in the world. Be off with you, and your sexy face.
2. Ida Corr Vs Fedde Le Grand: Let Me Think About It (Data) - Is that the fourth Corr sister? Has she been locked in a cupboard by her jealous other siblings? Come to think of it, where are the Corrs?? Are they dead?
1. Sugababes: About you now ( Island ) - Hated it when I first heard.... still not keen, though I do think Heidi should see someone about that squint.
At least three songs I like. What the fuck is going on?? I need to hate this stuff, I need to get my weekly quota of swear words out, and I can't. Why do I like this stuff? Am I turning into a chav? If I do, Liam, you have to kill me. I'm going to go listen to the new Foo Fighters album, and try and find my normal rock chick self.. If the Grohl can’t save me, I fear no one can.
I have no idea why this is on my hard drive...
Claire's Final Word: "How can I believe in God, when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?" - Woody Allen
Liam's Final Word: "Just a blankie and hot milk would suffice. and maybe a plump cushion." - Claire on tiredness