The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Twenty Six by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 23. Spiffy]
This update is the first for quite some time and let's be honest, it's all my fucking fault. There was honestly meant to be an article in this very space last week but my MP3 player fucked itself backwards to buggery, and the end result was that it deleted everything on it and now refuses to work in the way it was intended. Fucking technology. It also turned out to be a blessing in disguise because for most of last week I was desperately searching for anything, not matter how small or trivial to whack in here in order to pad it out to an acceptable level so I guess you fuckers got off lightly. Aside from that, I think I'd actually best make an effort for this week's shenanigans or else I will have my licence revoked or something.
I'm ready to believe you!
MTV Awards Mop-Up: And the award for the most pointless award show goes to… the MTV Video Music Awards. Why? Because when was the last time you turned on the proper MTV channel and actually saw a music video? It's a motherfucking misnomer or something like that. And being an American awards show it refused to concentrate on the actual awards but on the fluff surrounding it. Sure, no-one can remember who won 'Best Screenplay' at the 2001 awards but you could probably remember what Sharon Stone wore to the show. Anyway, the fuss this year concentrated on Britney Spears' long awaited comeback and the word on the street is that it was a bit shit, despite her wearing an outfit consisting of bra, knickers and not much else. According to one on-the-spot reporter, she seemed "to have lost of the art of lip-synching". Sweet Jesus H Fucking Christ! Still Fall Out Boy won best group so Claire should be happy, though the entire world is still not convinced if Pete Wentz's job is to, you know, play bass or be all 'emo Jay-Z' and spread the Fall Out Boy brand. Justin Timberlake snatched four awards, of which I cannot be fucked to find out, and that Rhianna bint won best video for that fucking song. However, as Fergie won Best Female, I am starting to doubt whether the American public and MTV are in fact criminally insane. Oh no, that's just been confirmed as there was an award for, and I am not making this up, 'Most Earth-Shattering Collaboration'. Fucking hell, are these people completely fucking retarded?
Random Observation Number One: Has anyone noticed the start of "Thanks For The Memories" by Fall Out Boy sounds very much like Fry's solo song when he finds out that the robot Devil is going to marry Leela in the Futurama episode 'The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings'?
Mercury Music Prize Mop-Up: Woah, more pointless awards! This time the big shock was that A** W*******e could not only put the needle and bottle down and actually make it to the show AND put on a great performance (everyone said it, but I just don't give a fuck) but now there is apparently a huge backlash because the ugly smackhead didn't win and the Klaxons did. Seriously, this prize is generally a bit of shit anyway, tracing back to the days when Oasis, Blur, the Manic Street Preachers and The Prodigy all got screwed over by motherfucking M People, and is generally given to flavours of the month (Gomez) or who is simply ginormous at the time (Arctic Monkeys, though their album was probably the best of last year anyway). Indeed it seems only the Monkeys have survived the Mercury curse of going completely down the shitter after winning it, so maybe we should have given it to W*******e then, just so she wouldn't infest the tabloids like some sort of unsightly rash.
Random Observation Number Two: 'Most Earth-Shattering Collaboration' award? What next? 'Most Totally Expensive and Like Awesome Video Costume'? 'Most Outrageously Awesome T-Shirt Slogan In A Video'? 'Most Tubular Use Of Product Placement presented by General Motors, Nike and the good people at Cable & Wireless'? 'Most Insanely Awful Video'? Actually, scrap that last one.
Someone Should Up Their Medication: John Lennon was, not to put too fine a point on it, a bit of a mentalist. From staying in bed all day making some sort of protest to appearing naked on album covers to bringing the 'dirty hippy' look into the mainstream, he has a lot to answer for. Which of course he can't do because he's dead but that hasn't stopped his even barmier wife Yoko Ono from carrying out an idea the former Beatle had over 40 years ago. Ladies and gentlemen, Yoko Ono is proud to bring to you the peace tower! The light tower is engraved with the words "Imagine Peace" in 24 different languages and the wishes of 100,000 people have been buried in and around it. I have no idea what it does or what it looks like but it is completely fucking bonkers by the sound of it.
Random Observation Number Three: I guess no-one noticed the muff shot that accompanied the last Hit Parade then?
Erm...
Quick And Dirty Hits: Tommy Lee and Kid Rock got into a fight at the MTV Awards over Pamela Anderson. Hepatitis and odd shaped boobies all round!... Sir Paul McCartney will appear at this year's Electric Proms. Peg Leg Pete will be notable by her absence… Led Zeppelin's reformation is on… The White Stripes have cancelled their upcoming tour as drummer Meg is suffering from anxiety. Oh just shut the fuck up and get back to work… Justin Timberlake has been ordered to postpone his current tour to rest his voice…
Not The Karma Whore Corner: It's been a long time since I've ranted but there's plenty going on in the world for me to get pissed off about. The media coverage of the Madeleine McCann case for starters is starting to irritate me beyond belief, the continuing misadventures of A** W******** continue to take up space in the country's gossip mags and Big Bollocks finally finished it's seemingly endless run. So it goes without saying that I'm not going to talk about any of that stuff and take on something a little closer to my heart, and that's Slough Town FC. On the 13th November 2004 , Slough beat League One side Walsall in the First Round of the F.A. Cup, and on the 27th March 2007 , only 28 months after that fantastic result, Slough were relegated from the Isthmian Premier League seven games before the end of the season after a 3-0 defeat away to local rivals Walton & Hersham. During that dismal 2006/7 campaign Slough conceded 9 goals once, 8 goals once, 6 goals once and five goals five times. Hell, we even lost to Leighton from the division below 4-1. So how exactly did Slough find themselves in the position of being at the lowest level of football in nearly a century? Well aside from a chairman who seemed willing to splurge thousands on flying players down from Scotland if we needed them, agreeing to a criminally insane £25,000 a year to groundshare at Windsor & Eton and then not paying up on time, agreeing to spend a fortune on players who, let's face it, were a bit shit there's… well that's probably it really. And then there was the whole incident last season where the entire playing squad threatened to go on strike unless they received one week's wages to the tune of £2,000 and the club had to go cap in hand to the supporters trust for the money which they then couldn't issue in the form of the cheque because most of the squad at the time wanted the money there and then (it should be noted that in the game following them getting paid, two Slough players were sent off as well as the manager in a 2-2 draw). What I'm trying to get at is that over the last ten years the club has lurched from one crisis to another, been kicked out of the town that they took their name after, have seen some players slip through their fingers into various divisions higher up the pyramid, been in the financial shitter for nearly a decade, got a decent opportunity for a ground thrown out of the chairman's insane plans for a hotel on the site (a hotel which is also central to his plans for his NEW stadium) as well as a myriad of other stupid little mistakes which have now added up to one very large problem. Slough are, this season, looking at yet another relegation. The playing squad is simply not good enough for this level despite having one of the highest wage bills in the division. There are too many players either refusing to get out of second gear, happy to collect their wages or living on past glories. Ever since Slough were kicked out of Wexham Park, the club has essentially been a walking corpse that no-one has been polite enough to tell that it's dead, and what's needed is a completely fresh start to wipe away the sins of the past. New blood is needed from the owner to the manager to the players. If this means playing on a park pitch with a rope fence around it so be it. If it means digging in to my own pocket to help out with the day-to-day running of the club so be it. But as long as the current regime stays in charge, and refuse to look at the glaring problems which have seen us sink from nearly Conference mid-table side to football's desolate wastelands, I'm not going to waste my time, effort and money supporting it. I mean, you wouldn't try and plug the breach on the Titanic with chewing gum would you?
Not fucking Fat Frankie Lamps!
Claire has taken a leave of absence this week to write up the adventures of the Reading Festival, leave this grumpy bastard to review the charts.
10. Timbaland feat. Keri Hilson: The Way I Are (Interscope) - Like genital warts, just when you thought it had gone away it comes back more terrifying than before. It's not even that bad a record.
9. Scouting For Girls: She's So Lovely (Epic) - Given the main news story in this country for the past four months, don't you think the name of the band and song is a tiny bit inappropriate? Of course I'm not going to fucking listen to it, after all, I don't get paid for this shit.
8. 50 Cent feat. Justin Timberlake: Ayo Technology (Interscope) - Heard it, best thing Fiddy's done since 'In Da Club' and it's all down to that magical Timbaland guy. Video's quite the perv-fest as well, but aren't all rap videos not made by P. Diddlydaddyiddly perv-fests now?
7. Robyn With Kleerup: With Every Heartbeat (Konichiwa) - Mis-spelled first name along with possible acne cream present middling tune you will forget about as soon as it drops out the charts. I think she looks like Pink, but without the feeling that she will kick you repeatedly in the balls.
6. Rihanna: Shut Up And Drive (Def Jam) - 'Umbrella' signalled the worst British summer in living memory, so what disaster will this song bring us? A tonsillitis epidemic? A rash of motorway pile ups? Please leave our charts alone you harbinger of death and destruction!
5. Girls Aloud: Sexy No No No (Fascination) - Not heard it, but if I remember correctly the video involves PVC catsuits, which should keep teenage boys happy late at night.
4. James Blunt: 1973 (Atlantic/Custard) - "Yes, this is Field Commander Liam R, please unleash an artillery salvo on that cunt with the terrible voice? What do you mean he's a civilian now? Just kill the useless fuck!"
3. Kanye West: Stronger (Mercury) - It is in fact a vague remix of Daft Punk, and is quite easily the best thing in the charts this week, and hopefully the album which spawned this will outsell Fiddy's, meaning that Mr Cent will have to retire and what a shame that would be. Though my girlfriend does say that they are both quite attractive men I think. Just thought I'd throw that in there.
2. Plain White T's: Hey There Delilah (Angel/Hollywood) - Last time I called this "watered down acoustic shite". Can't think much has changed in a month.
1. Sean Kingston: Beautiful Girls (Beluga Heights/Epic) - Not only does he have a whining voice that is possibly more annoying than Akon's , but he's done a worse job of butchering 'Stand By Me' than my old band did, and we were fucking terrible.
In Calvin Detroit trusts
The Final Word: "Bitch, I don't give a fuck about the sponsors, I don't give a fuck about ticket sales. Bitch, I don't give a fuck about these white people, we're not going to do any more of these fucking community events, I'm here to win fucking basketball games" – Isiah Thomas, coach of the NBA’s New York Knicks.