The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Twenty Five by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 20. It's an upward curve]
I have returned to bring you various pieces of music news with added swear words. This will also be the last Hit Parade until after the Reading Festival though my mind may change at a moment's notice. I was thinking of doing a preview type piece on the whole shebang, but as I have now found to that I have to be up at a stupid hour on the Thursday morning in order to get my tickets I may struggle to get to make the deadline. Add in that my girlfriend is staying with me on Wednesday night and there may in fact be no update at all. So let's just see what happens shall we? As for this week's show, I was planning on adding further to the Karma Whore's main page piece last week but I feel I have wasted enough bandwidth discussing the people in particular and can sleep quite easily at night knowing that I truly want nothing to do with the pair of them ever again. Oh shit, I just broke my vow. Never mind. So apart from that, there are articles on the go that should start surfacing over the next few weeks, the return of the Detroit Lions Season Preview Show being the first, something on Most Haunted, One Of My Legs Is Missing (don't ask yet!), Untitled Story and possibly something to do with the Anti-Chav Militia. Oh yes, autumn is going to be a lot of fun round here so stick around while I take the piss out of musicians in the name of all that is holy. And apologies for the lack of music news this week, but this time around was the very definition of ‘slow news week’. I also neglected to say anything about Tony Wilson’s untimely death, because if I did there would have been no room for anything else. Suffice to say that the British music scene would have been drastically different without him being around, and I think that is the greatest tribute anyone can pay.
Welcome To The Star Treatment: Amy Horseface was in the news plenty this week. Firstly her dad and the father of her husband got into a row over the singer's drug problems, and then the ugly slapper went to rehab for cocaine and heroin addiction. So basically what we here at Straw Donkeys are doing (all my writers please note this down, there will be an examination later) is doing what we did with P*** D****** and that is from this issue onwards any references to Horseface will now take the form of A** W******** because I'm frankly sick to death of this bullshit. Unlike what most people say, I don't think she's got that great of a voice (I remember a jazz singer I saw in a curry house a few years back was better) and voices that are in fact better than hers are out there. In fact on her new single (I presume it is anyway) she sounds like someone fronting a manufactured girl band. And all this bullshit over the drug addictions and staggering out of nightclubs at all hours is frankly just fucking pathetic. Do I wish death on her like I do D******? Not at the moment, but any more fucking attention whoring and that will no doubt change.
Everything Wrong Is Right Again: It's for stories like this that I wish I slow, long, agonising and painful death upon everyone involved with this fetid culture of celebrity that we find ourselves drowning in right now. Several American media outlets, including People magazine (which I presume is an Americanised version of Heat Magazine) and KNBC, have started legal proceedings to open up the previously sealed court documents surrounding Britney Spears divorce from Kevin 'K-Fed' Federline. While lawyers for the former couple are adamant the documents remain sealed due to the information contained about the couple's children, the media's principle drive to take this to court is that celebrities should not be above the law for regular people when it comes to the sealing of records. Naturally, all that backing the public good is just a smokescreen for "We here at People magazine wish to increase our readership by picking at the corpse of the couple's marriage". See, this is the sort of shit that makes me wish I could slap every single paparazzi journalist, photographer and even typographer around their fucking smug faces. It's not that I don't care about famous people (even though I really fucking don't), but is it not reasonable to expect just a tiny bit of privacy? Sure if these famous people go out, get trolleyed and are pictured falling out a taxi in the small hours they are fair game, but divorce records? Fuck this, and for more read the Karma Whore's rant below.
Quick And Dirty Hits: John Lennon's entire solo catalogue has been made available for download on iTunes, which is still the single worst piece of software ever designed… A musical based on American Idol has closed after one night due to poor ticket sales and bad reviews. That's just fucking shocking… A duet between Lisa Marie Presley and her dead dad Elvis is to be released. Can't they let the man have just a little dignity in death… Ryan Adams has gone straight edge. Why yes, the NME considers this news… An awesome new Radio One compilation will see Klaxons take on ‘No Diggity’, Foo Fighters tackle ‘Band On The Run’, The Streets cover ‘Your Song’ and The Gossip re-work ‘Careless Whisper’. Why am I excited by this?...
The Karma Whore Corner: What happened to my country? Picture the scene, little old me, minding my own business, walking into the bus station after work and being confronted by quite possibly the most tragic sight since Prince William attempted rapping. A chav fight. Right in front of me, two young girls, no older than twenty. Slapping each other, insulting each other. This is bad enough but this was in front of their small children, plus five or so innocent bystanders. I have no idea what it was about, but I remember hearing the phrases “Fat cow” and “At least I know who the father of my kid is”. It wasn’t pretty, and it certainly wasn’t funny. It made me think, "Is this what Britain is?" Is this a good example of the youth of today? Fashion crimes aside (and there were plenty, not least of all the colossal amount of saggy flesh hanging over the tops of trousers) is it necessary to scream like a harpy and use a swear word every other second? Admittedly it wasn’t without a few comedy moments, the smaller chav hitting the bigger one with her copy of Heat magazine round the side of the head was amusing. Let’s face it, Heat magazine being used as a weapon has a certain irony to it. Given that it is the very culture of celebrity that this magazine promotes is probably one of the reasons this country is full of chavvy girls with no ambition. Where are the role models for these girls? Are they to be found within the pages of Heat magazine? Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears and god forbid, Paris Hilton? Is that it? Is that what passes as a role model for today’s youth? Doing very little and being elevated to star status? Do these girls have ambition? I’m pretty sure if they do, it is simply to be on Big Brother, wear as little as possible and hope for a two page spread in Nuts magazine. Why don’t they want to be lawyers, doctors? Too much effort required? Far easier to flash your implants and marry a footballer I would imagine, but is it as rewarding? What do the parents of these individuals think, or do they not care? Sadly I think it’s the latter. The British press needs to take a long hard look at itself, It is helping create a generation of lazy, uneducated human beings, who are going to drag this country down. STOP reporting on the likes of Lohan, Spears and Hilton, make a stand, like the American newsreader that burnt her story about Paris Hilton live on air. Don’t give these so called stars the attention they clearly don’t deserve, help create decent role models for the youth of today, rather than help kill of this country, because it will happen, we already seem to have lost one generation, lets not lose anymore. Put your cameras down, and walk away. Then maybe these celebs will buck their fucking ideas up, and start doing something that’s worthy of reporting.
Liam wrests control of the charts from the Karma Whore, but doubts whether his mind can take the inanity of it all.
10. Enrique Iglesias: Do You Know (Interscope) - No I don't fucking know you fucking twat, how many times do I have to say it? He's taken Anna Kournikova away from us but from what I remember I hope she hasn't gone through the same transformation as Jenna Jameson, who's gone from this to this. Yikes.
9. Hoosiers: Worried About Ray (RCA) – Sweet titty fucking Christ! It’s like a shittier version of The Kooks mixed with the worst bits of Dexys Midnight Runners. This is what the kids are buying nowadays? Thank fuck I’m old then.
8. Newton Faulkner: Dream Catch Me (Ugly Truth) – Weak. Insipid. Rubbish from the same assembly line that gave us James Blunt and Paolo Nuttini. Why oh fucking why oh fucking why do I put myself up to this every week?
7. Rihanna Feat. Jay-Z: Umbrella (Def Jam) - It's still in the fucking charts, almost three decades after its initial release. The day this drops out the Top Ten will be the day peace breaks out over the entire planet. It's not even a good fucking record either!
6. Plain White T's: Hey There Delilah (Charisma/Hollwood) – When I initially searched for this, the picture on Napster was of a sock puppet, which would probably be infinitely preferable to the watered down acoustic shite on offer here.
5. Fergie: Big Girls Don't Cry (A&M) - Some people have referred to Fergie as a 'butterface' i.e. I find everything about her attractive but her face (you see?). But I am not one of those people, as she looks like an over-tanned crack whore with a severe case of lockjaw from giving blowjobs to the other members of her band. And she can't fucking sing either.
4. Kate Nash: Foundations (Fiction) - Oh this really is the absolute drizzling shit. Are they giving out record contracts to any stray dog that wonders in off the street?
3. Kanye West: Stronger (Mercury) - Single of the week even though at the time of writing I haven't heard it. But it's Kanye fucking West so it's bound to be superb by default. Wouldn’t you know it, it is fucking superb. Good job Mr West.
2. Timbaland Feat. Keri Hilson: The Way I Are (Interscope) - They knocked that fucking record about umbrellas off the top spot so far that I doff my cap to Mr Timbaland and his assistant.
1. Robyn With Kleerup: With Every Heartbeat (Konichiwa) - Sounds like a dodgy advert for spot removal cream. Is more than likely a steaming bucket of shite.
The Final Word: "These so-called big stars are people we are supposed to be looking up to. Well they are weak and soft. If they don't want to come because their wife wants to go shopping in London it's a sad state of affairs." - Roy Keane on footballers not choosing to come to Sunderland .