The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Twenty Four by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 16. Moderate improvement]
Fucking work. For those who don't know and probably care less, I have been fairly busy at work over the last few months to the point where I am becoming more and more irritable when I'm there. The person who sits opposite me will not shut her fucking mouth to actually do anything, and then tries to engage me in her inane banter when all I want to do is pick up several large objects and throw them at her. To counter this, I simply threw myself into the work that she was supposed to be doing as a means of simply tuning her out. Unfortunately due to this narrow sighted approach to working we have now run out of things to do so I am having to actually indulge in her conversations and listen to the fucking God knows how many times she blathers on about the house move she is about to embark on or how great the quality of life is in Ireland. Now these stories were interesting the first time they were spoken of but now they're getting daily airings and I can't keep sneaking off for smoke breaks to escape them. Plus, I'm bloody tired all the fucking time, desperately want to get back to 'Order Of The Phoenix' and get this weekend out of the way because… as of Monday I'm working three days, going to the cricket on Thursday, spending an extra long weekend with the girlfriend, back to work for eight days then going up to London to meet the girlfriend who has rather foolishly agreed to spend a weekend with me in a tent for the Reading Festival. Bring it on motherfuckers!
I Can't Think Of A Witty Sub-Title: If in fact the words just to the left of these are indeed a sub-title, because subtitles are… oh fuck it I'm padding already and I've barely even started this week. Anyway charges have been dropped against the man who was accused of shooting Kinks singer Ray Davies after the singer failed to appear in court for the second time. Davies' excuse this time was that he was only given a few days notice that the trial was going to be going ahead, as opposed to the first time he didn't show up when I can only presume he just could not be arsed. Going against Davies was that the date for the trial was agreed by the judge, defence and prosecution way back in the middle of May, but fear not because Davies is seeking to pursue justice in other mean. Hell why didn’t the dozy pillock just fucking turn up in the first place? It's just going to waste more and more time but yet still gives me a cracking excuse to fill my column each and every week.
Rosebud: A man in Glasgow has pleaded guilty to owning over £10,000 worth of Led Zeppelin bootlegs. Amongst the haul were an entire bootlegged tour of Japan and some Scandinavian warm up CDs, as well as some stuff by The Beatles and Rolling Stones. I suppose the only reason I mention this is because of the bootlegging which, well, I'm not even sure where I stand on the matter. Of course I would much prefer bands to release more live material but it's usually consigned to B-Sides or the much dreaded live album. Pearl Jam on one of their tours did a deal where people who had been to a gig could go to their website and download (I'm not sure whether it was for a fee or not) the concert they had been too which in my opinion is a fucking brilliant idea. So the decision yet again is in the hands of the record labels who if they truly want to stamp out bootlegging really need to embrace the internet and start making better quality live stuff available so that people won't feel the need to bootleg. Of course, I could be fucking dreaming couldn't I?
London England , Consider Yourselves War: Fuck it, I've been meaning to get a Public Enemy quote in here for a while now. Former New Order bassist Peter 'Hooky' Hook has threatened to sue Bernard Sumner and the other bloke after Sumner claimed last week that the band were in fact continuing despite Hook's claim in May that the band had split up. Hook then took immaturity to levels which even I cannot fathom on his MySpace blog saying that "You (Sumner and the other bloke) may have two thirds, but don't assume you have the rights to do anything New Ordery 'cos you don't. I've still got a third" and that "just in case you hadn't noticed, we've not had a personal relationship for a long time now... years in fact!" Can you not feel the love? But I think someone had better remind Hooky that New Order haven't been relevant since 'World In Motion' but I think he might batter me to death with his low slung bass.
Quick And Dirty Hits: Britney Spears is finally divorced. Now all you need is every single STD protection known to man and you too can have her… My Chemical Romance singer Gerard Way is going to write a series of comics about seven kids who had dysfunctional childhoods. Sweet titty-fucking Christ…Some website did a list of 25 most influential punk bands and only had The Clash as 4 th on the list. Stupid fuckers… Keith Richards is going to write his life story. Should be short as he can probably only remember the last two days… Good Charlotte singer Joel Madden has gotten Nicole Richie pregnant. That is one hell of a skanky downgrade from Hillary Duff… Eminem is suing Apple for iTunes downloads which is so full of legal jargon that I can't be arsed to recap it all…
Not The Karma Whore Corner: And so on Sunday it came to pass that me and the girlfriend went to see the new Transformers movie. Now earlier in the year, she said she would only go and see it to placate me, but after seeing some of the trailers (and a behind the scenes documentary earlier in the day) she became absolutely convinced that she too wanted to see it. I did however have my doubts, as some Transformers didn't make the cut (Soundwave, Trailbreaker, Hound, Mirage, Prowl and Wheeljack to name but a few), some had been re-imagined completely (Devastator) and some new ones brought in (Barricade and Blackout) and then there was the small matter of Optimus Prime himself as a flashy truck with flames on. So all in all fans of the original cartoons were a little sceptical to say the least, and when it was announced that Michael 'Pearl Harbor & Armageddon' was directing, well it sounded as if our lifelong dream of seeing our childhood heroes being brought to life was going to be destroyed. And so to the movie and there are a few niggles that I had, like not enough interaction between the Decepticons and Bay's irritating habit of juddering the camera all over the shop like a hyperactive child but these are minor, minor, MINOR niggles because… this movie is fucking awesome from start to finish. Blackout's attack and transformation at a military base plastered a smile on my face that didn't leave until the credits rolled. The film is funny (the Autobots trying to hide in Sam's back garden, Bumblebee taking a 'leak') filled with cracking action set pieces and… yes they got in some classic lines from the cartoon. I swear I nearly came in my pants when Prime uttered "Autobots… roll out". My girlfriend even said afterwards that I didn't stop smiling the whole way through the movie, so do yourselves a favour and see it now. Then see it again, and again, get it on DVD because we need a sequel. Oh the sequel…
I have no idea why this is on my hard drive
The Karma Whore is not dead and is back with the charts. YAY!
10. Manic Street Preachers: Autumnsong ( Columbia ) - Not heard it yet, but I bet my ass it's top drawer!!
9. Mika: Big girl (you are beautiful) (Casablanca/Island) - This guy likes girls as much as I like chavs, he's trying to pull the wool over our eyes people!! Just wish the wool would cover my fucking ears.
8. Groove Armada: Song for Mutya ( Columbia ) - Sorry, I thought that said bone for Mutya...... (Oh, you bitch - Liam)
7. Avril Lavigne: When you're gone (RCA) - I like this. There you go I said it. Let the stone throwing commence.....
6. Hoosiers: Worried about Ray (RCA) - My local radio station plays this to death. Did I mention it's a radio station that caters for the deaf and criminally insane??
5. Enrique Iglesias: Do you know (Interscope) - His manhood has now retreated so far inwards, he now has the same genitalia as action man and Cliff Richard - None, just smooth plastic.
4. Fergie: Big girls don't cry (A&M) - They do, and I am! Will you fucking idiots stop buying this shite? If I have to do any more of these reviews I will be forced to hack off my ear in a drunken Karmawhore rage, a la Van Gogh.
3. Rhianna Feat. Jay Z: Umbrella (Def Jam) - She made it rain! It's all her fault, therefore she must be a she-devil of some description, get the ducking stool panda! (At once proncess - Liam)
2. Kate Nash: Foundations (Fiction) - So boring, playing with my dead hamster is more fulfilling, and smells better.
1. Timbabland Feat. Keri Hilson: The way I are (Interscope) - Rhianna isn't number one, and it appears to have stopped raining.... Coincidence? That's voodoo that is.......
The Final Word: "Did you know Club Chubby has a dancer in a wheelchair now? It’s kinda different. Like, for a lap dance, you sit on HER lap. And if you give her a good tip she wheels you out to your car." – Earl Hickey