The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Twenty Three by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 12. We are hanging our heads in shame]
As opposed to regaling you with stories of my imminent mental meltdown or how the very site you are reading now is going to just up and die, let's instead head back to last weekend and the very trying story of me attempting to get to my friend's wedding. I left the office at 12:30pm to go to Staines station and luckily the train I thought I had a tiny chance of getting (the 12:38pm service to Waterloo ) was delayed by a few minutes. So after having a cheeky smoke and getting my ticket I made my way onto the platform where the train's arrival time was pushed back… and back to 1pm . No big deal I thought, because as most trains to Brighton via Clapham Junction had been delayed due to the silly amount of rain we had. Well I arrive at Clapham Junction at 1:40pm and then tried to figure out which platform I needed to be on. Now Clapham is a massive station and on making my way towards the main entrance of the station I noticed two things: 1 - nearly every single train on every single platform was delayed and 2 - there was water coming through the walls of the tunnel and running like a river down the gutters at the sides of the tunnel. This was perhaps a very bad sign. Of course, all the ticket barriers at the station entrance had also shorted out because they had been soaked in the deluge. So after figuring out I had to be on platform 13 I waited, and waited and waited. 25 minutes later the train which had been on the platform for the whole time I was there finally left and ten minutes later another one turned up but only going as far as Gatwick. By this point it was getting on for about 2:15pm and I really could do with a Brighton train turning up and as if God was on my side one did. All three fucking carriages of it and as this was the first Brighton bound service in two hours there was simply no way I was going to be able to get on it. So buoyed by the information from my mate (and Chris' best man) Phil I wandered off to get a train to Waterloo to somehow get myself over to Blackfriars. Getting to Waterloo and subsequently Embankment was easy enough, and I guess I should apologise to the foreign tourist I nearly decapitated while attempting to get on the escalator but if the stupid bitch can't figure out that I have a heavy bag, and have a face so contorted in anger that it's just best to get the fuck out of my way, so be it. Anyway, at Embankment I suddenly remember that the Circle and District lines are pretty much near the surface and open to the air at some points on their journeys and considering that we had had a stupid amount of rain I figured something might go wrong and sure enough it did. No Circle line services and a disrupted District line service. By now I was quite frankly ready to murder someone so I left Embankment, walked down by the Thames to Blackfriars, hopped on a train to Brighton which wasn't as nearly delayed as I thought it was going to be and made it to Brighton about 90 minutes later than I should have done. And yes, I nearly cried during one part of the wedding, but I'm not saying when so on with the rest of our normally scheduled reporting…
Last Time I Checked, He Was Still Dead: As you will see in a few words time, this is why I am a data entry monkey for a computer services company and not a lawyer. The mother of dead rapper Tupac Shakur is seeking an injunction against the currently bankrupt Death Row record label over selling unreleased material he recorded before getting shot. The material was meant to have all been handed over to his estate, being managed by him mother Afeni Skaur as part of some sort of settlement in 1997. However, the same court will also decide whether they should allow unreleased material of Shakur's to be released by Death Row in order to help pay off the debts the label has accumulated in the aftermath of Tupac's death. Confused? Well, so am I but in order not to get shot by associates of Suge Knight I will have no further comment upon the matter.
Bless: The first winner of American Idol, Kelly Clarkson, has kissed and made up with Clive Davis, the boss of her record label. The dispute stems from the fact that Davis didn’t like that Clarkson had decided to go in a darker, rockier (the BBC’s words, not fucking mine) direction and offered her a cash bonus if she agreed to record some more songs with commercial appeal. Clarkson, showing the kind of bollocks that seems to be severely lacking in most manufactured talent show shit, told Davis to go fuck himself in a manner of speaking and released the album as intended. Now she was backtracked and called Davis some things so utterly, utterly hideous she may well have her nose up his arse and lips on his dick. I was already to applaud her for doing it but now, fuck it.
They're Back To Save The World: I really don't know where I stand with Coldplay. Most of their output has been utter, utter shite ('The Scientist' standing out in my mind particularly) which can occasionally be tempered by moments of inspired, well, less shiteness like 'Talk' and 'Clocks'. Anyway, Chris Martin And The Other Three have decamped to Latin America to record their new album and according to a handwritten note put on their website the new album will reflect their current surroundings. Unfortunately, the note says that salsa rhythms and castanets will not be on there but the "vibrancy and colourfulness" will be. Now I can't think of anything worse than a cheerful Coldplay album, and I also think that a sambafied version of their dreary piano based balladry would also be the most awesome thing they have ever done. Which admittedly wouldn't be very hard would it?
Quick And Dirty Hits: Guns N Roses may be reforming. Without Axl Rose, naturally… Rappers Rap Sheets: Ja Rule – speeding, weapons possession; Lil Wayne – drug offences, weapons possession… Rhianna has started her own range of umbrellas. Oh for fuck’s sake, what is fucking wrong with you people?... Gogol Bordello are touring the U.K. What the fuck are you still here for, go buy tickets now!... Amy Horseface has announced a tour too, but you know she won’t turn up… Jennifer Lopez is heading out on her first tour. This should be fun…
The Karma Whore Corner: Well hello again Straw Donkeys readers. The Karma Whore has been resurrected, free from the chains of a certain other website, I decided to come back to my spiritual home. Now what can I rant about? Well the anti-smoking law is starting to fuck me off no end, so there's a good place to start I guess. The government have, I feel, given precious little thought to this ban. While I agree restaurants, hospitals and most public places should be smoke free, I fail to get my head around why they feel the need to ban smoking in pubs and clubs. Surely having segregated areas with a decent ventilation system would be more beneficial? Not only to the smoker and non smoker, but to the poor bastard landlords who have no got to watch their businesses suffer because the Labour party says so. Hell, I even heard talk of refusing medical treatment to those who have smoking related illnesses (though the whole smoking causes cancer etc debate I will get to later) How much money do the government get from the taxes imposed on cigarettes? Fucking billions I reckon, and there telling us that none of these taxes keeps the NHS afloat (albeit barely)? Let's face it, we know, though we don't like to admit it, that our government is run by complete tossers who have NO respect for the average British citizen. NO thought about anything other than what they can get out of having such a lofty position, NO thought about what their nanny state laws are going to do to the poor sods who's businesses will suffer, they think of one thing, one thing that they live for - POWER. I'm rebelling as much as I can, which at some point may well get me in a whole heap of trouble. But given a recent essay I read by the brilliant Joe Jackson, I seriously doubt any of the facts and figures the government have thrown at us over the past few years. And does smoking causes cancer and other illnesses? It doesn't help, but it isn't the SOLE CAUSE of these illnesses. I recommend you click on the link here, and get yourselves educated, and well armed, it's time to fight back people........ On a lighter note, last Saturday I spent the day with my head immersed in a copy of "Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows" Which was fucking superb, and for those of you that have heard the Karma Whore does not own a heart, then you will be surprised to know I nearly drowned in Kleenex, I cried and cried. But whatever you think of JK Rowling, the woman has a talent, even if it is only to make a hardened old bitch like me cry. She couldn't have written it any better, it was the perfect ending to a series of books that I will continue to read 'til the day I die. And when I think of her, a single mum, sitting in that cafe writing her story on to a notepad, I feel inspired, and believe me, that's an emotion I don't feel too often these days. So going all soppy on you, I would like to thank, from the bottom of my cold, cold heart, JK Rowling, for entertaining me for the past ten years. Now give me some of your billions, you rich bitch...........
And as she's on a roll, the Karma Whore takes us through the charts so you don't have to listen/download/buy them.
10. My Chemical Romance: Teenagers (Reprise) - The moment they released this as a single, meant as far as I was concerned, they were dead. I'm still grieving, but my nakie pics of the Wentz will see me through it....
9. Arctic Monkeys: Fluorescent adolescent (Domino Recordings) - Best song in this dire top ten, which isn't hard is it?? Keep up the good work boys. My sanity depends on it.
8. Mark Ronson Feat. Lily Allen: Oh my god ( Columbia ) - Bloody fantastic, quite possibly one of the best cover versions ever. I like a girl that feels ok dressed as a toadstool....
7. Avril Lavigne: When your gone (RCA) - Since I cried at the video, I can't really slate it, it clearly moved me in some strange way. And strange is always good.
6. Hoosiers: Worried about Ray (RCA) - It's not awful, but it annoyingly catchy. Therefore they must be shot on sight.
5. Enrique Iglesias: Do you know (Interscope) - I know that Enrique's manhood is now so small, it requires a magnifying glass to see it. In fact, it may be heading inwards......
4. Fergie: Big girls don't cry (A&M) - They do when a gerbil is shoved up their arse. Unfortunately, due to the amount of botox in Fergie's body, the poor gerbil (Francis) died before he could do any real damage... plan B it is then. Badgers roll out.........
3. Timbaland Feat. Doe & Keri Hilson: The way I are (Polydor) - I can't remember a week where Timbaland hasn't featured in the charts recently, and it's not a good thing.
2. Kate Nash: Foundations (Fiction) - Still boring, perhaps old people have finally started buying singles? If so, I expect Michael Ball or Des O'Connor to make an appearance in next weeks top ten.
1. Rhianna Ft Jay Z: Umbrella (Def Jam) - The only reason this is still No.1 is because the only people that buy singles these days are chavs and 12 year olds. None of which have fully functioning ears, or brains.....
The Final Word: "Here in PA we have Beaver, Intercourse, Blueball, and Climax. now between Intercourse and Climax is the town of Blueball . Because, well if you didn't get to Climax... " - I may well be taking my holidays in Pennsylvania .