The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Twenty One by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 18. Poor.]
Well last week I was supposed to write this but I honestly got sidetracked. I tend to get sidetracked often as I have the attention span of a goldfish but the honest truth is that when I got home last week from my driving lesson I had barely 500 hundred words in the article and could not be fucking arsed to try and cobble something together to be put up that night. “But you sometimes post on Fridays,” I hear my non-existent readers shout. Yeah, but I wasn’t actually going to be home on Friday night as seeing my girlfriend is higher on the totem of importance than publishing an article that might be read by four people. In fact I’d go as far to say as seeing and spending time with my girlfriend is the only reason I get up in the morning. And as you can tell by tetchy attitude this will no doubt segue into the big announcement that will be made next week though readers of slightly above average intelligence should surely have figured out what it is by now. Anyway, enough bullshitting, more…. Writing.
Live Earth Mop Up: Actually, that's quite the amusing headline even for me given the nature of the weekend's mammoth gigs across every corner of this planet. First thing that I noticed was that the singer from Keane who's name escapes me at the moment has either been denied his quavers or is blatantly back on the cocaine. He still looks like a cross between a Hogwarts pupil and the hobbit that done got killed on 'Lost' according to my girlfriend. Secondly, the Beastie Boys may well be too old to do what they do, but they do it better than anyone else and don't resort to that tired gangster shit which is making modern hip hop so fucking boring. Fifty Cent and his ilk would do well to take note that it's not necessarily what you rhyme about that's important but how well you rhyme. Lastly, and by no means leastly, there were the Foo Fighters. Yes, Dave Grohl did do 'Everlong' solo for the most part and unlike last time it only nearly reduced me to tears as opposed to having them running down my face but what was blatantly obvious is that under the most secretive way possible, and right under our noses to boot, the Foos have suddenly become one of the biggest bands on the planet. I swear if they decided to play seven gigs at Wembley next summer, all the tickets would sell out in three hours if that.
Prince Stuff Part One: Ah, the state of Minnesota where the most interesting story to emerge recently involved a fuck load of NFL players, a boat and more strippers and prostitutes than Amsterdam on a Friday night. Still, the state's most famous son Prince got into a little bit of trouble a few nights ago when an after show performance he was giving (I know that barely makes sense, but work with me here) was shut down by the police. It seems that the club he was performing in had a licence to stay open until 3am, but the Purple One decided to make his way on-stage about fifteen minutes before that. Maybe next time he will, you know, start a little earlier so this sort of thing doesn't keep happening. Or maybe, just maybe rock stars will realise that they as above the law as much as us poor suckers.
God Bless The Jobsworths: Come on, we all know them. Jumped up little oiks who were no doubt bullied at school who have ascended to a position of power and as such decide to take out their childhood miseries on everyone else in some sort of divine retribution. This week’s winner is a security guard at Luton Airport who decided to stop Metallica’s singer James Hetfield on account of his Taliban like beard. You know I wish I could say that I was making that up but I’m not even though officials at the airport haven’t confirmed the reason as of yet. It’s at times like this that I really do love doing this, honest!
Prince Stuff Part Two: And he seems to be stirring up the controversy away from the theatre of live performance. His new album which is released next week is being given away for free by the Mail On Sunday and to fans attending one of the twenty one gigs he is performing at the old Millenium Dome. HMV and Virgin stores were naturally outraged at a potential loss of revenue (see The Not The Karma Whore Corner for more) at a time when music retailers really don't need to be losing potential sales due to the prominence of downloads and giveaways. Of course, the fact that a completely new album is being given away by a newspaper, and the bastard offspring of the worst newspaper ever printed, brings even more choice to the consumer in ways to get hold of their music. I also think that the publishers of the Mail On Sunday are rubbing their hands with glee at the issue as well.
Quick And Dirty Hits: More people watched the Diana memorial than Live Earth in the UK … more people watched a repeat of Monsters Inc. than Live Earth in the United States… Rappers Rap Sheets: Busta Rhymes - two counts of assault and two driving charges all requiring separate trials… P. Diddy is now single. Don't let me hold you back ladies… George Michael was fined £130,000 for breaking the curfew at his recent Wembley Stadium gig. The jobsworths are rising…
The Not The Karma Whore Corner: Well I'm toying with changing the name, but I keep holding out that she might one day come back and grace us all with her presence. Well a man can dream can't he? And besides, this week's rant is actually vaguely topical and about music, so I may finally be using my powers for good as well as evil. The record industry is again crying into their account ledgers as figures released this week state that there was a severe shortfall in the number of CDs sold last year. Now before we get into the reasons why let's look at the cold, hard numbers: 1) The number of CDs sold dropped from 1.7 billion to 1.5 billion, meaning a £2 billion shortfall in revenue for everyone from the labels to artists to record shops. 2) Legal downloads increased by 50% from the year before. 3) For every track legally downloaded, 20 tracks are illegally downloaded. Pretty damning figures that piracy is killing everything, right? Wrong! I place the blame squarely on the shoulders of Simons Cowell and Fuller. Thanks to their insidious talent shows, music labels can't be bothered spending money on A&R and developing artists who might outlive the three year shelf life usually associated with manufactured shit and instead grab the closest fucking talent show winner or runner-up as it's going to be guaranteed money in the bank. Fuck, I thought that was going to be a little longer than that! But in turn, the manufactured shit dominates the charts and commercial radio, meaning that truly innovative (not necessarily original though) artists who might have long-term appeal are sidelined to late night radio or TV with minimal audiences. This in turn means that the proper bands don't sell enough and get promptly dropped by their labels while the next production line pop star does the interview circuit and gets the Christmas Number One. And you wonder why I avoid music fucking TV and the radio as much as I fucking do?
The charts will follow shortly…
10. Kelly Rowland feat. Eve: Like This ( Columbia ) – Not awful, and Eve really deserves the massive hit that has eluded her so far because she has got the skills.
9. Lee Mead: Any Dream Will Do (Fascination / Rug) – Oh fuck off and die you fucking Cowell-influenced cunt.
8. Fergie: Big Girls Don't Cry (A&M) – Well I’ll cry if I actually even attempt to listen to this.
7. Natasha Bedingfield: Soulmate (Phonogenic) – I like her voice, but she hasn’t actually sung on a song which hasn’t annoyed the ever loving fuck out of me. Sorry if that’s either feathery strokery or a fucking cop out but I don’t care!
6. Timbaland Feat. Doe & Keri Hilson: The Way I Are (Interscope) – It’s Timbaland so therefore awesome, but the vocalists and Furtado and the Trousersnake are they? Well of course they’re not!
5. Hoosiers: Worried About Ray (RCA) – Fucking diabolical, that’s what this is. Absolute fucking drizzling shit.
4. Enrique Iglesias: Do You Know (Interscope) – It’s subtitled ‘The Ping Pong Song’. The fucking Ping Pong Song? What the fuck where they smoking and can I have some?
3. Avril Lavigne: When You're Gone (RCA) – Oh, not very good, not very good at all.
2. Kate Nash: Foundations (Fiction) – Urgh, a Lily Allen wannabe without the charm of the one with the giant forehead. Complete fucking mess.
1. Rihanna ft Jay-Z: Umbrella (Def Jam) – Still fucking number one? Why are you fucking inbreds buying this shit? And why is Shawn pimping himself out like this?
The Final Word: “I am of course working to get it back but unless someone hides the crisps and the sweets it’s going to be a long job” - Pillsbury