The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Twenty by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 38. Possibly a new fucking record.]
Fucking hell, this writing shit is tougher than it looks. In the past few days I have gone from trying to write an update, to considering putting the site on indefinite hiatus to trying to write a normal article. Why? No, it's not due to an argument with my girlfriend (who I haven't seen for a few days now and am already missing loads) but because Chris Benoit died. Yes, I have been going through mental torment for the last few days because a fucking professional wrestler died. A performer in an industry that everyone tries to ignore because it's so white trash and lowbrow died, and yet here I am torn up over someone I never knew is dead. But to fathom what I have been going through, I want every single person reading this to do something for me. I want you to imagine someone, it could be your favourite singer, athlete, actor or just someone you know who's married with a child. Got that person in your head? Good. Now I want you to imagine that person calling in sick from work, tying up their spouse by the ankles and strangling them to death. Then, the next morning I want you to imagine that person strangling their seven year old child to death. Finally, I want you to imagine that person sending their work colleagues and friends some bizarre text messages saying where they live before tying a rope around their neck and hanging themselves in their home. Not particularly pleasant is it? That's why it's been so fucking hard for me to even attempt to be flippant or funny this week because someone who had entertained me for years could do something so horrific and vile. Did I know Chris Benoit the person? Fuck no. Did I enjoy him as a performer? Fuck yeah. Can I still look back on the very things that entertained me in the past knowing full well that he took the life of his wife and son in a manner which defies even the most basic morality? Can I reconcile the fact that someone who worked his arse off to get to the very top of his industry while being constantly told that he would never, ever make it could suddenly snap and murder his family in a way that is so cold? I don't know, I just don't fucking know. So if the following isn't up to my normal standards, I apologise. I know it's just a wrestler dying, but the more I find out about how truly fucked up and disturbed this world really is, the more I don't want to have a fucking thing to do with it.
My thoughts exactly
Chalk Another One Up: This is starting to get so fucking repetitive that I might as well start up a dedicated feature called 'Bands Who Have Reformed This Week' because each week when I sit down to cobble together this barely amusing column some shitty band from the past have got back together. This week's winners of the 'Let's make some money because my solo career is in the toilet' are The Verve who have already split up twice due to the volatile relationship between singer Richard Ashcroft and guitarist Nick McCabe. So is this going to be worth it? Probably not as The Verve have just two decent songs in their catalogue ('Lucky Man' and History') where as most of their other output was total dross like 'Sonnet' and 'The Drugs Don't Work', two songs so inexplicably bad I want to destroy any stereo they happen to be blaring out of. Anyway, six tour dates have been announced and they are currently in the studio…… sorry, I lost my ability to fucking care.
Big Fucking Deal: The Istanbul leg of the Live Earth series of mega gigs has had to be cancelled due to lack of sponsorship and time I am sad to report. Now we all know that these gigs were the brainchild of Al Gore and designed to highlight the problems the world could be facing due to climate change and global warming and all that tree hugging hippy crap that is being constantly shoved down our throats. But do you know how I would solve global warming? Get every self-righteous musician who feels the need to spout off about the evils of capitalisation and all that fucking shit to just shut the fuck up, especially Bono. We are an apathetic race who have lost faith in the democratic process due to laws being passed without consulation and politicians lying and cheating to make maximum profit or to avoid prison. It's all very well getting bands to say we're all gonna die because BigBucks PLC keeps spewing out greenhouses gases but in order for change to happen people have to have faith in the democratic process. And what faith in the democratic process can we have when terrorists and paedophiles slip through the net? And why am I so fucking angry?
Beliefs Are The Bullets Of The Wicked: I hate religion. My Catholic upbringing has given me both a distinct hatred of any other form of Christianity meaning I can never support Rangers, as well as that other well know trait from this particular type of Christianity: Catholic guilt. While I haven't been to a Sunday Mass in fuck knows how long, I genuinely do feel guilty about stuff which I have no reason to. So it saddens me to report that a popular Bollywood singer was caught up in a quasi-religious storm this week. It seems the bloke wanted to pray at a Muslim shrine in order to make his new film successful. Now there's nothing wrong with that, but due to his celebrity status he had to don a burqa and go in through a side entrance so he and the shrine wouldn't be mobbed by fans. So far, so sensible. Anyway he has now had to make an apology for possibly offending people by his actions and I have to ask why? He did what he did out of respect for what the shrine stood for, and I have no problem with it, the shrine's attendants didn't have a problem with it. I suppose it's another indicator that all over the world there are people with nothing better to do making a fuss over something which hardly anyone saw to people who don't have a problem with it in the first place. The question is, why do these fucks start raking this shit in the first place.
Okay, I’m Officially Not Fucking Bothered: The most poorly guarded secret in pop was finally let out of the bad this week as the Spice Girls announced that they were re-uniting for a tour and you know what? I’m actually fine with it even if I did say something completely different when I was with the girlfriend last week. All of the singles that were released from their first album were actually pretty good (I love ‘Say You’ll Be There’ in a completely heterosexual way) and they didn’t release a true dud of a single. Now if they could get 5ive to reform and be the support band I would so be there. Fuck, did I really just say that? Fuck it, just chalk it down to two guilty pleasures and leave it at that, alright?
Quick And Dirty Hits: Usher is expecting a baby. Well his girlfriend/fiancée/wife/can't be fucking arsed to check is anyway… Elton John has won a court case over some fake statues he bought. I'm reaching, I know… Bon Jovi has reached the number one slot in the US album charts for the first time in twenty years, proving that the UK doesn't have the market cornered on 'fucking retards who buy fucking shit records'… It rained at Glastonbury and I eagerly await Joey Sarajevo’s On The Spot report. Yeah, don’t hold your breath either… Led Zeppelin could possibly reform… Amy Winehouse slashed herself up with a broken mirror. Unfortunately, she’s fine and not in the attractive way but in the not dead way…George Harrison will get a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. What, for fucking ‘Help’?…
Not The Karma Whore Corner: And yes, she still hasn't returned from her voyage of Wentzcovery. I've tried sending chocolates, wine, goats and even Shrek babies but soon discovered that if you send living things in the post you have the cops showing up asking questions. So as it stands I have to rant away and swear like a sailor and the targets in my sights this week are the Celebrity Big Brother couple of Preston Ordinary Boy and that bint Chantelle, who this week announced that their ten month marriage was over. I have to say that apart from dedicated Heat magazine readers who are no doubt crying themselves to sleep while in their beds surrounded by cut-out pictures of famous people they've never fucking met but 'know the intimately' because the magazine writes about them, I really couldn't fucking care less. In fact I'm only fucking writing this to keep my swear word tally high and to pad out the overall word count in order to give you the reader a valuable Straw Donkeys experience. Now I could also break the thing down into several parts so let's do that shall we? I fucking hate Big Brother, the celebrity version and pretty much any of this lowest common denominator reality TV shit. It's cheap to produce and draws in chavs in a way that only Elizabeth Duke can possibly achieve. It's full of vapid attention whores who think this is their big break into TV stardom when in reality a few of the girls will get their tits out for the lads mags while the blokes will present shitty TV quiz shows or fade into obscurity. Here's a pop quiz: name the winners of every series in 30 seconds or less. I can name one, and that's about it. Secondly, Preston is a temperamental little shit (check out his petulant walk-out in Never Mind The Buzzcocks) who is in a fucking terrible band who I think may have been dropped by their record label. Thirdly Chantelle, well she was a fake in the first place and a piss poor Paris Hilton anyway. Fourthly, I've written too much on this fucking bollocks anyway.
I may have used this one before
Let's see if there's been any movement in the charts since I last did them. There isn't? Oh for fuck's sake…
10. Kelly Clarkson: Never Again (RCA) – She looks foxy on the cover and that’s about it, but then again I do have a thing for knee high boots (amongst other things).
9. Gym Class Heroes: Cupid's Chokehold (Decay Dance/Fueled By) - This is now officially in the running for the Straw Donkeys Single Of The Year award, the most prestigious award in the realm of shit websites who no-one reads.
8. Beyonce & Shakira: Beautiful Liar ( Columbia ) - Fuck it, may as well put this up for contention as well, as it's been a pretty dire year for singles. And this is actually good!
7. Editors: Smokers Outside The Hospital Doors (Kitchenware) - My brother likes them, but then again he plays 'Blurry' by Puddle Of Mudd at least once every two days so I don't know whether I should trust his judgement. I don't fucking trust me own as it is.
6. White Stripes: Icky Thump (XL Recordings) – My God, they’ve gone 70s stadium rock riff-tastic and what sounds like some sort of demented organ. Fucking fantastic!
5. Kelly Rowland Ft. Eve: Like This ( Columbia ) - I think I heard this at some point last week, and have two observations. Kelly Rowland became stunningly attractive once she let her hair grow out, and I really do like Eve as a rapper. This isn't actually shite if you care about such things.
4. Calvin Harris: The Girls ( Columbia ) - I have his album at home which I bought on a mentalist shopping spree in Cambridge , and as such this was brought by my Granddad. But can I see him ever listening to it? I don't think so.
3. Enrique Iglesias: Do You Know (Interscope) - Do I know what? The square root of four? How many Detroit Lions records were set by Barry 'For He Is God' Sanders? Tell me the fucking question and I'll give you answer you 'stealing Anna Kournikova away from Sergei Federov' cunt.
2. Lee Mead: Any Dream Will Do (Fascination/Rug) - My dream is to see this man, every single copy of this record, everyone that bought it and every single episode of the shitty fucking TV series that spawned it dead. Possibly involving power tools, a surfboard, a jar of jam and a pickle.
1. Rihanna ft Jay-Z: Umbrella (Def Jam) - Good fucking Lord it's still number one. I'm eagerly awaiting the follow-up: Sanitary Towel.
The Final Word: " Justin Timberlake's world tour is most environmentally friendly in history. It's comprised of 100 percent recycled Prince and Michael Jackson material" - Fark.com headline