The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Ninteen by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 29. I'll take that.]
So another week, and another Hit Parade. I swear at some point I will begin writing other stuff but at the moment I'm not too sure. Dr Pope is still locked in his underground bunker, terrified of leaving the house for fear of being lynched by an angry mob intent on burning him at the stake. Joey Sarajevo seems to have become lost in the giant mop that is passing for his haircut which you can see below. The Karma Whore is also absent without leave, and I have a funny feeling that it involves a plane, a map and the targeting of a bassist in an emo punk pop band, though I could almost be mistaken. I myself will not be here next week as explained in the main page intro but if you are reading this after that has disappeared then I am spending a whole week away with my girlfriend, as far away from work and Berkshire as possible. Upon my return I hope to have finally finished my review of Transformers: The Movie, have made a decent fist (oh is that ever the wrong term) of starting my Hentai Hat-Trick Of Horror article as well as a longish article entitled 'A Critical Re-Evaluation Of' where I will occasionally look at stuff I haven't looked at in a long time and re-assess whether my initial views of it have changed. The reason for this is that last weekend me and my girlfriend sat down and watched Urotsukidoji and… well you will have to wait for me to actually sit down and write the fucking thing won't you? Anyway, enough fucking around, let's get this column started.
And just when you thought Britney couldn't sink any lower....
Bitch Slappery Ahoy Part Two: You may remember in last week's issue I reported on Marilyn Manson's attack on My Chemical Romance for being rip-off merchants or some such. Anyway, Gerard Way has responded in perhaps the best way possible by saying this to Rock Sound (I presume they are a website or magazine): "We still haven't found someone that has knocked us down that we need to take seriously. If Elvis Costello said we sucked we would think about it a bit but usually it is comments from someone with a new record to promote so the remarks ring hollow." 100 points for writing the criticism off as exactly what it is (and Manson does have a new album out), and several million for a goth-emo hybrid band to name check Elvis Costello. Now if Gerard had mentioned Shane MacGowan I would forever bow down in his presence and buy everything they have ever released twice. And yes I am serious! And Mr. Manson: you just got pwn3d!
Is Anyone Really Surprised Any More: The British festival season kicked off this weekend and wouldn't you know it but a ticketing scam storm has blown up. This concerns the Isle Of Wight festival and is actually a lot bigger than the irreverence I am showing it as it turns out that one in five of the tickets available for the 50,000 capacity show were bollocks. One woman has been charged with fraud after being caught with hundreds of fakes, one poor idiot paid £320 for a forgery and in a not so surprising development, 169 people were found carrying drugs. Now all this means that the Glastonbury system of having to send utility bills and all sorts of other personal identification is going to find a huge groundswell of support and before you know it, the entrance to the Reading Festival will resemble the check-in desk at Heathrow.
A New Hope , Sort Of: If it’s a Star Wars reference then it can only mean one thing, and it’s not a nerd orgasm either. It seems that Irish punk poppers Ash have released their final album, but fear not they will continue to release music. Confused? You shouldn’t be. It seems as if the band have become disillusioned at the time it takes from recording an album to actually releasing it and so have decided to go about releasing their stuff in a different way by releasing it digitally. To be honest, digital delivery systems for anything, including music, are still in their infancy but only a fucking fool would write off the method for being the main format for getting music (and to a degree computer games) to masses in the future, so well done to Tim and the (three) boys (hardcore action).
What And Indeed The And Indeed Fuck: Justin Timberlake is about to embark on an arena tour of the United States . This in of itself is no big deal as, let's be honest, Timberlake is a world famous superstar who got to stick it to Britney Spears (back before she went fucking insane), Cameron Diaz AND Jessica Biel. What's possibly of more intrigue and also the reason why this is it's own news story and not a quick and dirty hit is the choice of support band he is taking out with him. An upcoming R'n'B act, a hip hop crew, something that kind of sounds like the music he has been making since splitting from N*Sync? No, he has chosen… Good Charlotte ? Yes, the same Good Charlotte who got the shit bottled out of them at Reading BUT still managed to win the crowd back by the end of their set. But the merging of a vaguely commercial, punkish sort of emo band and a pure pop specialist is intriguing and if I was in America I would probably pop along to see how it all fitted together.
Oh Shut The Fuck Up: And now for something which has always annoyed me. As some of you may be aware, David Beckham will in a few weeks depart Real Madrid and head to the American West Coast to play for the Los Angeles Galaxy. In order to celebrate Beckham's first game, the team attempted to get indie band The Fratellis to re-record a Beatles track, which they said no to. The reason was that they aren't "a bunch of travelling salesmen", that they want to "get successful on their own terms or not at all" and that by recording the song they would "lose their self-respect". Oh for fuck's sake will you pretentious cunts please shut the fuck up. Every decade there are probably a dozen (if that) bands that will leave any lasting impression on the musical memory (the last decade saw Nirvana, Oasis, REM, Metallica and that's about it) so for most bands it’s a case of making as much money as possible before whatever public interest you have wanes. It's not about selling out your principles, it's a fucking job so start fucking treating it like one. You will not change the world, and if you start thinking that you have sort of ulterior motives for twatting a guitar on stage I hope that keeps you warm at night when you have to go back to work at some fucking shitty menial job for less than the minimum wage because you never made the most of the opportunities that were present. You dumb fucks.
Joey Sarajevo laughs in the face of the barbers scissors
Quick And Dirty Hits: Gallows frontman Frank Carter went all emo and threatened to quit the band, then changed his mind. I only mention this because I saw one of their videos on Sunday… Arcade Fire are to play an arena tour. Good on them, because they is ace… The Happy Mondays have been denied entry to America due to 'prosecution histories'… Slipknot's Corey Taylor is apparently going to join Anthrax. Sounds intriguing… Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy got into another fight this week. I can hear tears from Suffolk as I type… The White Stripes played a gig for the Chelsea pensioners. Well that is pretty cool… Bob Dylan has been awarded Spain 's Prince of Asturias Arts Award… Cat Power has won the Shortlist Music Prize in America . You can tell I'm filling can't you… Boy George has cancelled his upcoming tour. Yes, can't you tell I'm devastated… Glastonbury tickets are already up on eBay. Take that anti touting measures… Kelly Clarkson's tour has been cancelled after poor ticket sales. Bless…
Not The Karma Whore Corner: Now I think we can all agree that Ghostbusters is one of the greatest movies ever made and that anyone that disagrees is a fucking moron. To cash in on the enormous success of the first movie a cartoon was made and thus the Real Ghostbusters was born and I was hooked from the very start, even if I acted like a right fucker on the day the first episode was broadcast in this country and missed it. And thus it came to pass that last week I started to download the entire second season of the show (a whopping 65 episodes in all) and well… I was quite frankly disappointed. Not by the episodes themselves as they are all fantastic (and also include most of my favourites as found here), with two brilliant pieces of music that are re-used throughout the show (you'll know them when you hear them), a veritable ton of gags and a few genuine scares (if you're under ten years old or easily frightened like me), but… the video quality ranges from awesome (the most recent Jetix rips) to frankly dire (most of the Fox Family rips). Indeed, Ghostbusters In Paris (which also had an intro I failed to remember) is pretty much unwatchable. So the reason for me illegally downloading the episodes is because fucking Sony/Columbia/who fucking ever has refused to release all but eight episodes in this country and twelve in the United States . We're about to see a new CGI Thundercats movie, a possible new He-Man and even GI Joe movie so why can't we get one of the best fucking cartoons of the 80s out on DVD? We got Transformers (which I'm still in the process of buying) but no Ghostbusters? I mean, fucking come on! Sure some of the episodes had contrived endings probably due to time constraints (Bustman's Holiday, Ragnarok & Roll, Ghostbusters In Paris and Knock Knock being the examples I can readily think of that really should have been longer), and the animation is a bit dated but I would easily pay £100 to have every episode of DVD. And no, I'm not fucking kidding either.
Dr. Pope prepares for his future career in... I don't want to know
The chart rundown is below, and I miss the Karma Whore doing it.
10. Timbaland feat. Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake: Give It To Me (Interscope) - It's still clinging on like some sort of man-cold or sexually transmitted disease. It was also all over last week's CSI New York episode, which is a fascinating fact I am sure you will agree.
9. Enrique Iglesias: Do You Know (Interscope) - Mr Iglesias is married to Anna Kournikova, possibly the most useless tennis player ever. However, Ms. Kournikova used to be married to former Detroit Red Wings player Sergei Federov and that concludes your fun Detroit Sports Fact for this week.
8. Reverend & The Makers: Heavyweight Champion Of The World (Wall Of Sound) – A slightly bizarre mix this one, sort of LCD Soundsystem gone more 70s disco while fronted by the singer from the Super Furry Animals. In a word: fantastic!
7. Maroon 5: Makes Me Wonder (A&M/Octone) - What is it about fucking pop acts with names beginning with M that make me want to fucking vomit. First Mika, then fucking Maroon 5 then motherfucking Chico . How does Chico qualify? Because I always prefix his name with the word Motherfucking, that's why.
6. Hellogoodbye: Here (in Your Arms) (Drive Thru) - Okay, it's not fucking terrible for a daft punk rip-off but Q Magazine gave their album four stars and said it was reminiscent of Weezer. Am I listening to the right version?
5. Beyonce & Shakira: Beautiful Liar ( Columbia ) - Still in the charts and still soiling teenage boys sheets. Mothers all over the country are begging people to stop buying this as its costing a fortune in laundry detergent.
4. Gym Class Heroes: Cupid's Chokehold (Decay Dance/Fueled By) - This has now placed itself firmly in the race for the coveted Straw Donkeys Single Of The Year.
3. Calvin Harris: The Girls ( Columbia ) - Much like the previous effort from Mr. Harris, though this is much of the same, only just not quite as good.
2. Mutya Buena: Real Girl (4th & Broadway) - It has a sample from a Lenny Kravitz song I really fucking hate, so I am already predisposed to hate this. Should have stayed in the Sugababes love. Apparently Ms Beuna is part-Irish, but even that is not enough for me to like this.
1. Rihanna ft Jay-Z: Umbrella (Def Jam) - Shawn, Shawn, Shawn! What the fuck are you doing? It may have worked with Beyonce, but it sure as hell isn't working here.
Best. Menu. EVAH!
The Final Word: "He also sent me his new CD and said that if I didn't like it, I could always use it as a Frisbee. Fucking sense of humour on him, I'll give him that much" - The Prince Of Darkness Ozzy Osbourne on Sir Paul McCartney.