The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Eighteen by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 27. Approaching normal levels, panic over.]
How many times have I written the intro for this column? Forty? Fifty? How many times have I referred to the unbridled mess that my personal life is? Probably almost as many, but as of right now everything is fine, so I’m going to have to find something else to talk about as opposed to my computer troubles which you can find in The Not The Karma Whore Corner. So Thursday morning one of my work colleagues spoke of her utter disgust at the trailer for Sky One’s Brainac show, and in particular Vic Reeves asking the question “Can a rocket take a dog for a walk?” Now for anyone that hasn’t seen this, Brainiac is an irreverent science show in the same vein as Top Gear, just a lot more insane and science based. Also, anyone with even a working brain cell knows that taking a dog for a walk with a rocket which can travel really far really quickly is a fucking stupid idea, but my colleague was adamant that it would encourage the idiots in Great Britain to have a go. Just like the same idiots have been doing for years when they tie cats, dogs and all sorts of domestic animals to fireworks in October. The point is, saying that a TV show is responsible for acts of violence is like saying Marilyn Manson was responsible for Columbine and Microsoft’s Flight Simulator was responsible for 9/11. They weren’t. How’s about blaming the parents of kids for starters for letting their kids get away with whatever the fuck they like and not realising that their kid might be a psycho? Yes, TV shows, computer games, films and musicians do have responsibilities to their audiences but if someone is disturbed enough to take what they see is real and think they can get away with it can you really fucking blame them? I think it’s about time we started blaming ourselves and owning up to our own mistakes rather than shifting the responsibility to others. Fuckers.
They laughed in the face of their ASBOs
The Man Returns: No, I’m not talking about someone who you might think is cool or important, nor am I talking about Jack Motherfucking Bauer. I am of course referring to the man and the myth that is Jarvis Cocker. You see my respect for Jarvo didn’t start with him invading the stage at the Brits, but on his appearance on a teatime music quiz on the BBC whose name escapes me. Anyway, he has resurfaced to round on my favourite targets: reality show pop stars. He says that the winners have no personalities in their voices and that the production of pop has now become an industrialised process like making lard. It goes without saying naturally that what Cocker says is true and he also follows it up with saying that the best music is coming out of the independent market. The only problem that we face here is that the average person who buys a pop single is a fucking chavvy retard who sees something on TV and dribbles “must buy gimme gimme gimme”. There’s no individualism anymore because if you like something different you become an outcast, and when you find people who appreciate the same things you sell out. However, if the TV companies would stop making this bullshit maybe I wouldn’t get so fucking angry when I hear something by one of these production line cock smokers.
Bitch Slappery Ahoy: I suppose I have to choose my words very carefully on this one. Marilyn Manson has again opened up his mouth, and hot on the heels of his “THOU SHALT REMEMBER ME” missive over the Columbine massacre last week he has attacked My Chemical Romance. The reason for his little dig is that he thinks MCR have ripped him off, calling their music a “sad, pitiful, shallow version of what I’ve done”. He also said that the track ‘Mutilation Is The Sincerest Form Of Flattery’ is about MCR singer Gerard Way ’s outfit. Why yes, the self-proclaimed God Of Fuck is writing songs about other people’s clothes. So let’s get down to basics shall we? The only thing MCR and Manson have in common is that they both have members that occasionally wear make-up. MCR play punk with nods to Queen, Manson fuses what KoRn did with what the goth overlords did in the 80s but better. Who is better? That’s why I just vaguely report on this sort of stuff as opposed to write some sort of fucking Op-Ed piece on it.
Oh, Life Imitates Art Or Something: I have no idea if this is a fucking joke or not, but you are going to have to bear with me. You all remember Eminem’s track ‘Stan’ right? The one with the absolutely awesome video made even more awesome by the murder of a pregnant Dido in the back of a car. Actually, just kidding, I do like some stuff by Dido but don’t want to admit it. Oh shit… Anyway it seems that Eminem has been stalked by a wannabe rapper who stole his number from his ex-wife Kim’s mobile phone. The lunatic then taped the conversations between himself and the man his mother called Marshall and turned it into a rap track called, get this, ‘Slim Sellout’. As for any further follow up on this story which is only here to burn up my word count, well, it’s late and I’m fucking lazy!
You know, that's meant to be fucking worn bint, not fucking eaten!
Quick And Dirty Hits: Run for your fucking lives, 80s rockers Foreigner are planning a new album… Rappers Rap Sheets: The Game – making a criminal threat, firearm possession… London indie night Frog is to close. Went once, it was alright… Chico ’s career has sunk to the depths where he is playing three day cruises in the English Channel . This little known fact makes Baby Jesus chuckle with joy… The Hives have teamed up with Pharrell Williams. Should be interesting… The Chemical Brothers new album has been delayed due to an artwork snafu…
Not The Karma Whore Corner: I have never particularly called myself a technical whiz but I kind of know my way around a computer (the time I almost fried my parents PC by forgetting to re-hook up their processor fan outstanding of course) but over the last six months my PC has given me know end of trouble. All I had to do was buy and install a new PSU and graphics card but fuck me it was an exercise in torture. Firstly, the new PSU blow up immediately on installation so back to the manufacturers that goes and in goes my old one. Then I put a newer power supply in and then the graphics card starts going loopy, corrupting the display on boot-up, severing the signal to the monitor and randomly putting together refresh rates. More irritating was that it was crashing my favourite games after about ten minutes play and then crippling my PC for twenty minutes afterwards. Figuring it was a cooling issue, I take the case off the side of the machine and get my room fan involved until I can buy a proper case fan for the machine. Case fan goes in and the machine works relatively stably for about a week. I came back from Berlin after my machine had crashed again and then… four hours on Sunday night the machine refused to start up without corruption and was still there on Monday afternoon so down I go to PC World, new graphics card installed and now my machine is fine. There is a lesson to be learned here kids, and that is that I am a fucking idiot.
The charts are below and I listened to clips of all but one. Can you guess which?
10. Akon: Don't Matter (Universal) – My God, it’s like R Kelly’s warmed up leftovers, and no, I’m not talking about the Kelly’s predilection for under-age girls, even though that’s what Akon got fucking busted for. Maybe they are one and the same after all…
9. Calvin Harris: The Girls (Columbia) – Not as catchy as ‘Acceptable In the 80s’ but the best thing in the charts this week. Fact.
8. Twang: Either Way (B Unique/Polydor) – Arrggghhh, it’s jangly but it’s got swear words in it somewhere. I have no fucking idea what this means. The vocals in the verse are fucking terrible but that might be part of its appeal.
7. Timbaland feat. Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake: Give It To Me (Interscope) – Ah, Timbaland my hero and saviour, coming charging into the charts like a slightly chubby knight on a stallion. Or something like that.
6. Gym Class Heroes: Cupid's Chokehold (Decay Dance/Fueled By) – I think it may contain the singer from Fall Out Boy, and this could provide the perfect early Sunday afternoon highlight at Reading . If I’m not fucking bladdered by then, obviously.
5. Maroon 5: Makes Me Wonder (A&M/Octone) - You know what makes me wonder? The weather, the Detroit Lions being so unbelievably shit and how these fucking month old puddles of man custard have a fucking career. It’s fucking shit tossbags, stop fucking buying it!
4. Hellogoodbye: Here (in Your Arms) (Drive Thru) – I might have been prepared to forgive this, but it’s such a blatant fucking Daft Punk rip-off I honestly can’t. Not that it’s bad or anything.
3. Beyonce & Shakira: Beautiful Liar ( Columbia ) – Works in it’s own bizarre and slightly odd way. And yes it is a teenage wank fest and there’s ain’t owt wrong with that.
2. Mutya Buena: Real Girl (4th & Broadway) – Whereas this really doesn’t work at all. Should have stuck in the Sugababes love, as they is a proper decent band. And yes, I mean that.
1. Rihanna ft Jay-Z: Umbrella (Def Jam) – You know, when Jigga came out of retirement, I doubt this is what he had in mind. But, you never doubt the Jigga.
Liam contemplates the Hentai Hat-Trick Of Horror...
The Final Word: "something in German" - said by German security officers at Berlin 's Schönefeld airport on Sunday night when confronted by me in my 'Jack Bauer Fucks Like An Animal' T-Shirt. They didn't sound happy.