The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Seventeen by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 22. Kind of a slip-up.]
By the time you read this I should be getting trolleyed in Berlin stag weekend style and I have absolutely nothing funny to tease you with in the intro to the worst weekly column on music in the history of the internet. I could say that my computer hasn’t had a fatal crash in seven days but that wouldn’t be very fun. I could say that I have left my colleagues at work with an almighty backlog of work to do but that wouldn’t be very interesting. I could also use this space here to say something to someone very, very special to me but I don’t want to look pathetic and I already did that on the main page. Hell I haven’t even got a funny joke I can whack in here to pad out the word count. So what I’m trying to say is that what you see here is what you get and you shalt like it. Or something.
Because I promised it last week and forgot
Attack Of The Dead Rock Stars: Well it seems that Kurt Cobain’s widow Courtney Love wasn’t the only person who objected to her dead husband being used to advertise Doc Martens boots. It now seems that the estates of Joey Ramone and Joe Strummer have weighed in on the footwear maker as they were never consulted over whether the images of the deceased could be used in the campaign. More obviously, the family of the Ramone have said that as Joey never wore Doc Martens in the first place he wouldn’t be advertising them. Doc Martens have of course apologised over it all and sacked the famous Saatchi & Saatchi advertising company who came up with the idea in the first place. Saatchi & Saatchi themselves have come out fighting saying that the adverts are “edgy but not offensive” and that they are “respectful of both the musicians and the Doc Martens brand”. Now I haven’t seen the advert so I can’t possibly pass judgement upon it, and as this furore has erupted now before the adverts were run over here we will probably never see them, but aren’t adverts just getting far too fucking clever now for their own good? I mean, my favourite one at the moment is the Skoda made out of cake one, but fucking hell it’s bloody pretentious. Whatever happened to just selling stuff? Still, at least I have my Cilit BANG! (and the dirt is gone) adverts to keep me company.
Aye Caramba!: Hell I’m not even sure if that’s how you spell it but you could probably decipher that this piece of news has something to do with The Simpsons, but how in the world does it deal with music? I’m glad you asked. It seems as if American punks Green Day have recorded a version of the show’s theme tune ahead of the cinematic debut of everyone’s favourite yellow family and it will be released, somewhat bizarrely, on three different record labels upon its release. I would love to find a quote from Billy Joe Armstrong to find out why he decided to do it, but really, I can’t be fucking arsed. All this writer hopes is that the movie is more in line with seasons four to eight of the show rather than the laboured stuff they are putting out now.
He May Have A Point: Marilyn Manson has again been talking about the Columbine massacre of 1999. For those of you not up to speed with things on the other side of the Atlantic , it was when two high school students went in with high powered weaponry and opened fire on their classmates, killing thirteen people before shooting themselves. Middle America , in their race to find someone to blame other than perhaps the parents themselves pointed the fingers squarely in Marilyn’s direction because the two shooters were fans of his music. No questions asked about how the parents could let their kids assemble such an arsenal of killing material, just a case of “blame the rock star because he’s got money”. Indeed, in the aftermath of the massacre, the NME printed a poster saying “Not Guilty” above a picture of Manson’s face with reference to the disaster, a poster which stayed up in my room for quite a while. Anyway, Manson has said that he feels guilty when his name isn’t mentioned in reference to it as he went through a hell of a lot of shit in the aftermath and now his name has been quietly moved aside from it. As I said, he may have a point.
Bound To Happen: This little item is from the ‘stark raving obvious’ file in Straw Donkeys HQ. CD seller CD-Wow has been ordered by the High Court to pay UK record labels a whopping £41 million after going back on a deal to stop seeling cheap CDs. You see, CD-Wow imported CDs where they are cheap (like Hong Kong ) and imported them here and sold them on for a fee but mainline retailers and record labels started crying for not getting enough money. And therein lies the danger: if CD-Wow can’t do this, then the record shops and labels can continue to keep CD prices ridiculously high when compared to the rest of the world, meaning more people will go to illegal downloads of stuff and then not only will the labels keep losing money but so will the artists they are supposed to representing. Or something fucking like that anyway. I’m not particularly good at marketing stuff like that.
Quick And Dirty Hits: Hard-Fi have said their new album has been partly inspired by The Ramones. Fuck knows what that means, as I’m filling… Members of Fall Out Boy, Muse and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are battling out for the title of ‘Sexiest Vegetarian’. I know who the Karma Whore would vote for in such a prestigious award… Justin Timberlake has started his own label. No witty comments needed from me… Andrew Lloyd Webber wants to collaborate with Eminem for a stage show. Yes fucking Gods… Rappers Rap Sheets: Young Jeezy – Disorderly conduct, Fat Joe – wanted for questioning over fatal shooting … The Manics played a truly awesome set at London ’s Astoria this week. I officially want to cry…
The Not The Karma Whore Corner: Well it’s that time of year again, Big Brother has started it’s new fucking series and yet again I want to lock myself in a nuclear bunker somewhere in Russia to escape from the wall to fucking wall coverage. While I can see the appeal of the show from a purely sociological experiment point of view, the show is full of fucking wannabes and attention whores and all sorts of fucking wankers that I just wouldn’t ever want to meet. And yet this time Channel Four have vowed to make it more fun after the furore which erupted over the celebrity version earlier in the year, but it won’t fucking work. You see most, if not all people who watch Big Brother do so to see the arguments, the fights and the fucking, but like last time when that vacuous blond bint with the irritating voice had breakdown after breakdown people were calling it great TV. Then when she had a truly enormous meltdown people thought that maybe Big Brother had gone too far, and there was I saying something along the lines of “That was what you wanted, you got it and you don’t like it do you? Don’t be so fucking hypocritical”. So who gives a shit about it really, because I sure as fucking hell don’t even though I did just write 300 words on it. Bugger.
Sorry the charts aren’t up to the high standards of the Karma Whore or even the pitifully low standards of myself. Fuck, why can’t there be some NEW releases!
10. Booty Luv: Shine (Hed Kandi) – No, I’m not going to listen to it as I possibly know what to fucking expect anyway. Let’s call it shite and have done with it as quickly as possible.
9. Mutya Buena: Real Girl (4th & Broadway) – There’s a naggingly annoying sample in there somewhere that I can’t just place. Anyway, Joss Stone and Corinne Bailey Rae do this sort of shit just much, much better
8. Timbaland feat. Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake: Give It To Me (Interscope) – Well its Timbaland so it rocks, Nelly Furtado so it rocks and Justin Timberlake who rocks. Therefore, it rocks.
7. Snow Patrol: Signal Fire (Fiction) – Spiderman goes emo, the soundtrack goes indie. I have no idea if these things are related or not.
6. Akon: Don't Matter (Universal) – No it doesn’t fucking matter you helium voiced pillock. Arrrggghhh this sort of shit is fucking irritating.
5. Gym Class Heroes: Cupid's Chokehold (Decay Dance/Fueled By) – Still fairly cool, and that’s all I’m going to say on the matter.
4. Hellogoodbye: Here (in Your Arms) (Drive Thru) – Was this the one I called Daft Punk vomit? Probably.
3. Beyonce & Shakira: Beautiful Liar ( Columbia ) – Still the wank festival it was when it released back in the days of steam trains and urchins running up chimneys.
2. Maroon 5: Makes Me Wonder (A&m/Octone) – Oh fuck off and die cunts.
1. Rihanna ft Jay-Z: Umbrella (Def Jam) – Stupid lyrics and I haven’t heard the Jay Z bit, which is no doubt the fucking best thing about the fucking thing.
The final word: “Traditionally speaking, the three biggest twats in any band are the singer, the keyboardist and the drummer. Need I say more?” – Noel Gallagher on Keane.