The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Fifteen by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 18. Considerable fucking slippage.]
A lot of people ask me “Liam, how do you write the Hit Parade and make it so informative, cutting and funny” and I reply, “Shhh, if you keep quiet they won’t put me in an asylum.” Crafting the Hit Parade is a deep, well thought out process which if I were to reveal the secret of, I would be forced to write original material in a different format each week as opposed to falling back on this as a crutch when inspiration leaves me like oxygen from a dying sheep. In truth, this article is made up of NME news stories either expanded (with swearing) into our main items and NME news stories shrunk down to bit size chunks for our Quick And Dirty Hits section. I then magically summon the Karma Whore who slaps me about a bit, tells me its shite before she disappears with the article. It comes back to me exactly twelve hours later filled to the brim with her unique brand of goodness and then I take it again, format it, round up some pictures to make it look pretty and to attract teenage readers who like ‘teh boobies’ and BANG! We have a Hit Parade. I told you it wasn’t exactly rocket science, so after all that pre-emptive waffling in order to pad out my word count let’s get down to business…
Suggestive Dancing Ahead: Why do I have a funny feeling Dr Pope is going to be writing about this? Anyway, last month helium voiced pseudo-rapper Akon was caught on film in Trinidad dancing with a girl. Nowt wrong with that, except that said girl was fifteen and said dancing was deemed ‘suggestive’. Fucking suggestive? The same sort of ‘suggestive’ arm rubbing that was deemed a sexual act in an American university study into how morally damaging wrestling (or more appropriately the WWF/E) is? For fuck’s sake! Anyway, American phone giant Verizon Wireless (think Orange but with a fucking worse name) have pulled their sponsorship of Gwen Stefani’s current tour due to Akon being the support act. And in an even later development given I am writing this at 2am on Thursday morning to make my deadlines, Akon has apologised for the simulated (oh for fuck’s sake) sex act on stage with the girl because ‘he didn’t know she was underage’. That’s it, fuck everything you have ever been told. If you plead fucking ignorance you will be fine. For fuck’s sake. And will a rapper ever catch a break? I mean, ever?
Well It Has Nothing To Do With Guns: Rapper Busta Rhymes this week rejected a plea deal for a drink driving charge which could have seen the motor mouthed one go to jail. As well as the jail sentence he turned down, he also missed out on a fifteen hundred dollar fine and his participation in an anti drink driving programme was scrapped. I know I just made it seem like a tour and album deal but I for one applaud Busta for not getting busted for either drug possession or gun handling charges. However, considering earlier in the year he was charged was charged with assault, one of his bodyguards was shot while filming a video and the whole ‘you can’t film in New York ’ thing maybe this isn’t the best year of Busta’s life. Just remember that WOOHAH! He got ya all in check.
The Land Of The Retarded : Thank fuck that every so often I check the BBC’s website on my trawl for items to fill out this column. Country singer Tanya Tucker is being sued by her manicurist is where we start this and as it’s America there is nothing unusual about it. That the lawsuit is for $300,000 is again not unusual for the United States . That the lawsuit is being filed because the manicurist is claiming that Tucker’s dog attacked her, well it’s almost too surreal for words. I read a few weeks back that some woman was suing a fast food company and one of their customers after she claimed she was injured after the customer held the door open for her. Seriously America , what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you just trying all this stupid shit just to make the rest of us laugh our fucking heads off, because if you are it’s working. Now I know that most Americans are pretty normal people, but this whole fucking lawsuit culture they have over there… fuck I should have been a lawyer and emigrated years ago because I’d be filthy rich by now.
HAHA! Fooled you: I guess you could file this under ‘it was bound to happen sooner or later’ section for useless facts that you may or may not store. The single ‘Style, Attract, Play’ was pulled from Radio One’s play list after it was revealed that it was in fact made by a real band, but as a covert advertising ploy cooked up by Saatchi & Saatchi to promote Shockwaves hair styling products. Why yes, you read that correctly. I guess in some way you have to applaud Saatchi & Saatchi for having the sheer bollocks to actually try something like this and the very fact that they managed to actually get the tune on to and subsequently pulled off of Radio One will probably do more good for Shockwaves than an advertising campaign. How this will affect future advertising promotions and ways stuff gets promoted I have no fucking idea and is a tangent best suited for people more intelligent and less sweary than me.
Quick And Dirty Hits: Christina Aguilera is to launch her own range of perfume. That smell is ‘eau de dirty whore’… XFM has been granted a licence to broadcast in South Wales meaning that more people will be subverted to angular guitar bands… The Happy Mondays are to play a fish and chip shop in Brighton . Now that is awesome… Thieves have stolen the artwork to the new Smashing Pumpkins record. My heart would bleed, but Billy Corgan is an arrogant cunt so it won’t…. P Diddy will play the Fucking Dead And Dumb Whore Memorial concert later this year… One of the members of Evanescence sacked in Amy Lee’s latest line-up purge has revealed he has been given a gagging order surrounding his sacking. This item is only here because I wanted to make a cheap joke about gagging Amy Lee with my cock…
The Karma Whore Corner: Hide the pies, Karma Whore is here! I've decided I need to be a chav. Why in gods name I hear you cry!?!?! Well, I have no money, and since chavs seem to have brought every bit of Burberry clothing on the planet, and deck themselves out in all manner of stylish gold jewellery, they must have money right? Probably not, I believe it is the good honest taxpayers money they are spending on these trinkets. Do you know a chav that has a job? I don’t, well apart from one called Lee that works in a petrol station and has impregnated his sister. Well I don’t know him, but I saw him on Trisha once........Anyway, my point is, and yes I do have one is that no matter what time of day it is, or even what day it is there seem to be a growing number of the bastards on the streets, usually at bus stops and greasy spoons. However, I believe I raised my concerns a few months ago about the Chav apocalypse that seems to be coming our way... I fear it is upon us people, get yourself prepared, it will be like Shaun of the dead, you will be jumped on, sprayed with Burberry "pour homme" and that’s it, you will become one of THEM. So arm yourselves, with anything that resembles a weapon. My personal favourite is the Argos catalogue, if it’s opened up, just wave the jewellery pages in front of them, their knees go and they collapse onto the floor when the see all the naff goodness....... Failing that, pretend you work for the local Job Center , then watch the fuckers run. So Wayne , Chelsea , and Mandy, we know where you are, we know of your cunning plan for domination. Britain will not let this happen, you have been warned. Supermarkets, especially Iceland are like breeding grounds, avoid them if you can. More handy tips on how to defend yourselves against these monsters will be here next week, if I can be arsed.
Great Albums As Picked By Me: Why do I get the horrible feeling that I’m going to get flak for this induction? Oh well, there is a reason why this section is called ‘Great Albums As Picked By Me’ and these are my personal choices for stuff you need to listen to. But when it comes to The Streets opinion is polarized like no other artist in living memory. My point here is that even though there are bands you hate, they have probably done a track or two that you love. With Mike Skinner’s home cooked efforts there is no common ground and you have to pick sides, and even I was leaning towards hating him until I listened to ‘Original Pirate Material’ and one track which completely changed my opinion on him in the four minutes it lasts. That song is one called ‘It’s Too Late’ and it is truly gorgeous even if it’s about Mike losing his girl for being selfish. And when the strings die away during the third verse as Skinner realises he’s lost his girl forget about it, you empathise with him. Elsewhere, Skinner’s talent for a hook shines brightly from the skanking organ riff on ‘Push Things Forward’ to the bassline which kicks you square in the balls on ‘Don’t Mug Yourself’ Skinner goes for economy without sacrificing quality. Album opener ‘Turn The Page’ is simply awesome, its two point string riffs meshing against each other until a third set of strings rises up midway through and takes the song to a whole other level. One big debating point is Skinner’s delivery, but on these tales of drink and drugs and birds it’s an everyman style without pretension and even comedy when he slips into two wildly differing personas on ‘The Irony Of It All’(a nerdy cannabis smoke and lairy alcoholic). While his second album would be a greater whole due to its recurring theme, this is the better album on a song by song basis and that’s all you need to know.
In reference to the picture above, and not at the top
The Karma Whore also takes back the charts from me, in much the same was as the French have capitulated in every armed conflict they have been involved in. Topical humour, it never gets old…
10. Hellogoodbye: Here (in your arms) (Epic) - Again - eh?
9. Groove Armada feat. Stush: Get Down ( Columbia ) - Not heard it. But i can usually manage to listen to Groove Armada without wanting to hit someone/ throw up/ or cry. So it might be alright...........
8. Mark Ronson ft D Merriweather: Stop me ( Columbia ) - Stop you? What with? Atomic bomb? Cheese grater? Gladly, just say when - ponce.
7. Mika: Love Today (Casablanca/Island) - Pretentious,annoying,stupidly dressed ugly little wanker. Don't even get me started on the song...........
6. Ne*yo: Because of you (Def Jam) - Do we have to guess the missing letter? What’s with the star?? Do I care? Fuck off do I!
5. Avril Lavigne: Girlfriend (RCA) – Not all Canadians are this shit, I know one other, and she could kick Avril’s puny little ass all the way from Winnipeg to Toronto . She rocks, Avril however, does not.
4. Timbaland feat. Furtado & Timberlake: Give it to me (Interscope) - One word - Justin..... *sighs*
3. Gym Class Heroes: Cupid’s Chokehold (Decay Dance/Fueled By) – eh??
2. Manic Street Preachers: Your love alone is not enough ( Columbia ) - Not heard it - yet. But it's the Manics, so therefore it's spiffy!
1. Beyonce & Shakira: Beautiful liar ( Columbia ) - Hell, the video even turns me on.... total teenage wank fest though
The Final Word: “We’ve learnt over the years that we’re all indispensable, that the only way it really works is when the eight of us are all together” – Pogues guitarist Philip Chevron on the band.