The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Fourteen by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 34. We're MUCH better together.]
Welcome back to the ‘normally weekly unless Liam has a mental breakdown or gets bored’ column that I know you all love and cherish like… something you love and cherish. And after two weeks of slating perhaps one of the most sad, disturbed, lonely and genuinely mentally ill people I have ever had the misfortune of coming across I think we’d best leave him alone. After all, he’s probably just misunderstood and this column shall waste no more bandwidth in discussing the sad fucking prick. So exactly what am I going to do to pad out this introduction then? Let me see… no, my mind is drawing a blank and I’m usually quite good and waffling on and on without actually saying a thing. The school where they hand out the morning after pill? Well, kids will be kids. The teacher who sent 6,000 texts to a pupil she was infatuated with… HOLY FUCK! 6,000 texts! That must have been one hell of a phone bill. And what’s better (or worse depending on your point of view) is that the kid she had an affair with is probably now a hero to all his classmates. Now why did I have to go to a school where the female teachers all had beards?
There Is Evil Among Us: Okay it’s time for a quiz kids. About whose upcoming live shows is this quote attributed to: “A momentous occasion that ranks up there with seeing Sinatra or Elvis”. Is it A) My Chemical Romance; B) Dave Dickface’s Colourful Tribute To Obscure 70s Prog Rock Acts; C) Barbara Streisand or D) The Pogues. If you answered A or D, you have good taste but are wrong. If you answered B, you’re a fucking idiot. If you answered C, then you have won yourself a prize of which I haven’t actually decided what it is. As if her spokesperson’s almost gag worthy piece of cock sucking wasn’t bad enough, the tickets for her sole UK gig range from £100 to £500. Yes, you can spend five hundred fucking pounds of your hard earned money to watch some dog faced cunt warble her way through some of the most god fucking awful music ever commited to your ears. However, part of the proceeds will go to a foundation set up in her name but fuck it, someone get Sidney Poitier, Leonard Malton and Robert Smith of The Cure on this shit, and quickly.
You Can’t Make This Shit Up: One of the more amusing stories making the rounds this week concerns Culture Club singer turned house DJ and mindless drug hoover Boy George, who I can personally thank for not giving Pogues accordion player James Fearnley the job as guitarist in his former band. Anyway, it has been alleged that George and another man took a male escort back to his flat in London ’s fashionable (so I’ve been told) Shoreditch to pose for photographs of possibly the naked and gay variety. George and the other unnamed man then promptly handcuffed said escort to a wall and left him there, leaving said escort to get George arrested on charges of unlawful imprisonment and assault. Let’s see, one gay man, one male escort, handcuffs and photos. Can you put two and two together?
If It Looks Like A Whore And Smells Like A Whore: As you will see further below, the rampant raping of dead people who happened to be in the public eye has continued further this week. And Princess Diana, who the last time I checked was a fucking whore and fucking dead, is getting the fucking up the arse treatment this week as none other than Take That have announced that they will take part in the memorial concert for her. Isn’t that nice, but I have had enough of this fucking sainthood that seems to be placed on the cunt. My girlfriend manages a charity shop and I myself happened to do a sponsored walk for charity, but do you see me asking for a memorial concert when I’m fucking dead? She may have done a bit for charity but people do that every day without thinking, she shoved it so far down our fucking throats because aside from sleeping with everyone who even so much as looked at her she wasn’t fucking much good for anything else was she?
If It Looks Like A Whore And Smells Like A Whore – Part Two: Old Man Arms herself Madonna has pulled out of the Talentless Cunt Appreciation gig as she is apparently too busy to rehearse for that and the Live Earth gig the following week. Apparently, she was asked to reprise her role as Evita from the film of the same name but evidently learning new dance moves and rehearsing for one gig and dressing up in a frumpy frock to sing ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’ was a bit too much. For fuck’s sake woman, you’re a fucking singer asked to do a few songs in two shows in a week. Howsabout, I dunno, just going up there and fucking singing like your supposed to rather than filling your performance with so much performance art crap to disguise the fact that you haven’t released a decent record since ‘Don’t Tell Me’?
Had to really...
The Karma Whore Corner: I'm bored. I can't think of anything remotely exciting to write about this week. Well, I could, but I've promised I won’t talk about THAT thing, so I'm kinda stuck. To prove to you all how dull my life actually is, I've decided to just bore you to tears by informing you of the very dull stuff that has occurred in my pitiful existence this week. 1. I got asked for ID when buying beer. Seriously I did! The cashier looked at me and said "You are 18 aren't you dear?" I just informed her that I was nearly double that number. "Really?" she said. Yes you dozy cowbag, buy some fucking glasses……... 2. I had to clean dog poo off the floor at work. If there is a god, which I doubt, he clearly fucking hates me. 3. Heard the best drunk story - ever. It involves my friend "Pie" and a cream egg. It has a very sticky end. 4. Turned down my postman stalker for the fourth time. "No, I don’t want to go for a drink!!" How many times will a guy get told "No" before the penny drops for fucks sake?? Answers on a postcard please……… 5. Got an Easter egg in the post. It was lovely. 6. Had a row with one of my best friends. He is a fucking numpty, and I'm still sulking......... 7. Nearly got banned from a forum, instead now have a warning, so does that mean I'm dangerous?? I hope so. 8. Got carpet burns on my arse. See, exciting isn't it?? I may have to go and clear out my underwear drawer now, just to calm myself down. Or go to the shops, and buy myself a life. So next time you miserable sods whinge about life, be fucking grateful you don’t have mine!! Now fuck off, and go and read the genius that is Dr Pope.........
Quick And Dirty Hits: One of the Sugababes got arrested, and not the token black one or the drugged up scouser, for kicking the ever loving shit out of someone in a nightclub… The Phil Spector trial has been postponed after one of the lunatic haired one’s lawyers was taken ill. A likely story… From the ‘Raping The Dead’ files: Courtney Love is to auction off some of her dead husband’s belongings. I think you know the guy… 50 Cent has been told off by America ’s Religious Reich for wearing crosses… Britney Spears has played her first gig since going bonkers… The All-Time Greatest Indie Anthem Ever as voted for by NME readers and XFM listeners (i.e. 99% cunts) is ‘Live Forever’ by Oasis, followed by ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ and ‘Common People’. ‘How Soon Is Now?’ got fucking hosed down at number seven…
Great Albums As Picked By Me: Hip hop, a legendary institution that to the majority of the (white) world is a symbol of everything that is wrong with society. Feckless wealth, mindless violence and rampant misogyny are far cries from the harmless block parties and break dancing that the genre emerged from in the late seventies. And this attitude is never more on show than on hip hop albums which are long, drawn out affairs stacked up with ‘amusing’ skits to pad it out so that each one is less an album and more a battle of stamina. Surely a culling of the fat and better quality control would be a good idea, rather than making as much money as possible? So it is quite a joy that we have Jay Z’s ‘The Blueprint’ then, which breaks the typical mould by being an almost regular album. A small intro to start, no annoying interludes and a definite ending. He even goes so far as to put a few secret tracks on at the end! But the debate here, as it always seems to be in hip hop is who is the best on the mic and in my humble opinion Jay will be seen as one of the best. His flow is adaptable and blends around the beats he is given, never stilted or forced dropping pop culture references for fun. Of course while his rapping is mighty, his producers back him up no end, with Just Blaze and some bloke called Kanye West delivering some prime slices of musical heaven. While the beats aren’t as innovative as a Dr Dre or Timbaland or The Neptunes, there’s a certain old school feel to proceedings, with soul samples and brass sections all mingling together. The whole thing just sounds nigh on perfect, never forced and never outstaying its welcome. However, if Jay Z is one of the best rappers alive (and he is), and this is his finest album the only problem is that he doesn’t have the best bit on the album. That honour goes to Eminem, who supplies the beats and the sole duet on the album in the form of ‘Renegade’ and quite simply kills everything he has done before and done since. If Eminem could show the same sort of fire on his own records than on his guest spots with others then he would be immediately be lifted into the upper echelon of hip hop’s finest. As it is, this is the best pure rap album of the last few years and your life will be poorer without sampling its delights.
The charts this week are brought to you by… I don’t know. Oh that’s right, it’s Liam not the Karma Whore this week!
10. Travis: Closer (Independiente) – One of Travis’ earliest singles was called something along the lines of ‘All I Wanna Do Is Rock’. They don’t seem to know how to do it after ten years of trying.
9. Natasha Bedingfield: I Wanna Have Your Babies (Phonogenic) – Firstly I read Phonogenic as photogenic which Ms Bedingfield is, well, not. Then there is the title of this little ditty which if said to a man will send them running to the hills. So if the horse faced crooner responsible for this asked to have your babies, what would you do?
8. Gym Class Heroes: Cupid's Chokehold (Decay Dance/Fueled By) – Kind of rappy, kind of surfy and really, really quite good. They also contributed to the theme to ‘Snakes On A Plane’ which gets them bonus points with me.
7. Arctic Monkeys: Brainstorm (Domino Recordings) – True story: This was listed on the BBC Radio One Official Chart Page as Brianstorm up until Wednesday afternoon. And as it is the Arctic Monkeys it’s probably one of the better records in this week’s rundown.
6. Mika: Love Today (Casablanca/Island) – The gallant return of Straw Donkeys most easy target. And yet you dumb fucking cunts buy into the fucking tabloid and media fucking hype and swallow this stale cum like the fucking brain dead gutterwhores you really are. Do any of you fucking dumb fucking cunts have any individuality at fucking all?
5. Mark Ronson feat. D Merriweather: Stop Me ( Columbia ) – The jazzy samba version Ronson has produced of ‘God Put A Smile On Your Face’ has not surprisingly made me not want to listen to this. Sorry.
4. Ne*Yo: Because Of You (Def Jam) – Stupid fucking name, and his last record was an insipid piece of R‘n’B schmaltz that had the chav massives rising from the feral homes in their burberry and on their scooters to purchase. This is no doubt more of the fucking same.
3. Avril Lavigne: Girlfriend (RCA) – What is it about female Canadian singers having exceptionally whiny voices? I mean, Alanis Morrisette was a whiny cow, and the less said about Celine fucking Dion the better. Upon listening to it, she should just call herself Alanis Lite – same taste, but not as good.
2. Timbaland feat. Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake: Give It To Me (Interscope) – I think the technical description for this is ‘booty shaking’. Indeed it is too.
1. Beyonce & Shakira: Beautiful Liar ( Columbia ) – The ultimate wanking fantasy for teenage boys is shy of a vibrator and a jumbo bottle of baby oil. Now where’s me shopping list?
The Final Word: “I’d rather he be in prison” – an unnamed Arsenal fan on whether he would like cunt extraordinaire Joey Barton on his team.