The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Thirteen by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 25. We're better together.]
Another week, another Hit Parade and this one is 24 hours late. The reason for this if I didn’t mention it on the front page is because I was at a meal last night celebrating my dad’s 50 th birthday. So in the course of the evening I found that I was conceived during the day, that my mum had to watch a porn movie on her own with strangers after my dad demanded one be put on, licked the screen and then fell asleep plus the horribly painful story of my protracted journey from the womb. If anyone knows any decent therapists, send them my way. And it also seems that my personal perverted nemesis is not only reading my site, but trying to view our forum and it’s just a shame that only registered members can do it now. So Mr Perverted Pants, you want to read it then sign up… when I will promptly delete you again and again and again. You may not want a war, but you will not beat me. And those people you claim are your friends? They’re not so DON’T FUCKING TRY AND TALK TO THEM AGAIN CUNT! And that number is significant cunt face, and if you know what it means then you will live to regret it. This is not an idle threat either, please do not think I am fucking joking.
Dead Plus Dead Equals Deadest: Robbie Williams has apparently been banned by his record label from presenting a TV show about the paranormal after his last album was a critical and commercial disaster. Let’s take this apart piece by fucking piece. Robbie Williams is the most two faced cunt in the entire music industry, going from moaning about the pressures of fame to announcing just how fucking rich he is to complaining that he can’t find a fucking woman. Just fucking grow a pair you fucking gonad! His last album was a flop because he strayed away from what bought him to the table i.e. slightly up-tempo middle of the road shite coupled with occasional bursts of inspiration and ditching his long time song-writing partner. Also, the paranormal genre of reality TV has been well and truly fucked up the arse by the constant fakery and fraud on Most Haunted, so what TV company in their right mind is going to give a prime time slot (and because it’s Robbie you know it will be in prime time) in a genre which has had its reputation pretty much destroyed forever? Maybe this isn’t so much a case of ‘we want some of that £80 million deal you signed back you cunt’ as it is a case of ‘you do this or we will never see any return on that £80 million because your career will be over’.
You May Well Have A Point, But Shut The Fuck Up: Between the ongoing adventures of that cunt P*** D****** and bands reforming, the one other staple of this pissy little column is the mixture of politics and music. I really, really, really fucking hate this sort of shit from the hypocrisy of Bono chastising everyone for the poverty in Africa while taking a swim in a pool filled with cash to Chris Martin’s stupid fucking biro messages, will musicians please stop this. Next to step up to the plate are North American punk metal pastiche Sum 41 whose new song talks about the President of the United States getting his head blown off and going to heaven. Musicians of the world I implore you now: Is there nothing else you rich talented motherfuckers can write about? Anything?
Beliefs Are The Bullets Of The Wicked: I am a Catholic, which is why one drunken night at Reading I attempted to burn a Union Jack while calling all Rangers fans “Orange Cunts”. You see, this is where religion fucks up as two only minutely different versions of the same religion openly hate each other because of small differences. In America , it is so much worse as this past week saw an Archbishop attempt to cancel a Sheryl Crow set at a charity concert. Crow’s crime? She is an advocate of stem cell research and abortion rights, which go strictly against the Archbishop’s own religious views and so he promptly resigned as the head of the charity Crow was due to perform for? First it was politics and music which got muddled, now it’s fucking religion. Can someone please release a record about fucking, drinking a doing a fuck load of drugs before I start having to fucking kill some of these fucking cunts? Please?
Warning! Karma Whore Rant Ahead - I Smoked Chuck Norris because I’m sexy and I do what I want: Yeah yeah, another week, another rant from the Karma Whore. Admit it, you bloody love it! Admittedly I'm not the genius that Dr Pope is, or the mad ranting sad panda that is Liam. But hey, I like to think I make a few good points... It's 8.30am , Sunday morning and I've just woken up in my friend’s guestroom. The Karma Whore is at her country retreat this week, and my fucking head is banging. Tip for you all, if you’re going to drink vast sums of beer in front of an open fire, move sometimes. I swear bits of me are scorched, anyway I digress..... Having turned on the portable in the bedroom, I'm confronted by thousands of sweaty insane people wearing lycra, holy crap, it's London marathon day. Commentator Brendan Foster randomly throws around words such as "thrilling" and "exciting", and he has a point, I'm thinking sunlight = heat + lycra + friction, we could have the biggest mass spontaneous human combustion incident - ever! Why do people run?? I mean, I understand if they are running for a bus, or to a cake shop, or running away from gypsies selling heather/ twigs/ bits of hedge. But twenty six fucking miles for a tin foil cape and a mars bar?? WHY??????????? Just walk down to the corner shop, buy foil and mars bar, and recreate the event in your living room. Lets face it, it's shit telly, but I will check in on it later, when the last few are finishing after twelve hours of running, watching them come down the home straight, crying and falling over paper cups.... cracks me up every time, daft bastards.
Quick And Dirty Hits: The jury has been selected in the Phil ‘Yes I Fucking Did It’ Spector murder trial, thus ensuring a steady stream of photographs of his bonkers haircut… George Michael is due in court a few days before his Wembley Stadium gig on charges of driving under the influence of drugs… Carl Barat loves playing with P*** D******. Well we all know that the cunt (D******) does handjobs for crack… Rapper Eve was arrested for driving under the influence. Of what, I don’t know… Mani thinks he can reform The Stone Roses. Please, just leave memories as memories…
Great Albums As Picked By Me: Returns next week
The Karma comes back with the chart review. Now with added swearing!
10. Gwen Stefani Ft. Akon: Sweet Escape (Interscope) - Stop buying it you stupid fucking cretins.........
9. Proclaimers Ft. Andy Pipkin and Brian Potter: (I'm gonna be) 500 miles (EMI) - Proclaimers/Pipkin/Potter sounds like the best estate agents - ever!
8. The Enemy: Away from here (Warner Bros) - S'alright I suppose, it's not Gwen Stefani so it has that going for it....
7. Natasha Bedingfield: I wanna have your babies (Photogenic) - Now men have another reason not to date you dear, other than the fact you look like Desert Orchid......
6. NE*YO: Because of you (Def Jam) - Who the fuck buys this stuff?? Oh yeah people like my chavvy bitch of a neighbour, who thinks because she listens to this type of shite, she is clearly very "cool". No, your not, your the scum of British society and like this record, you should fuck off and die, like NOW!
5. Mark Ronson Ft. D. Merriweather: Stop me ( Columbia ) - I believe the NME claimed Mr Ronson was "cool". As far as I’m concerned, that's the kiss of death...
4. Avril Lavigne: Girlfriend (RCA) - This is pure Disney, i.e. mind numbing drivel that only pre teen girls will buy, unfortunately the only people who seem to be buying records these days are those pre teens, and chavs. It's official, Britain has no taste......
3. Timbaland Ft. Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake: Give it to me (Interscope) - Lucky Canadian bint, being in the middle of a man sandwich like that, tho I'd prefer just a slice of Timberlake myself......
2. Arctic Monkeys: Brainstorm (Domino Recordings) - Not heard it yet, but I'm sure it's head and shoulders above anything else in this week’s top ten.
1. Beyonce and Shakira: Beautiful Liar ( Columbia ) - Are there any beautiful liars?? And my washing machine can't cope with the amount of dirty sheets........