The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Twelve by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 18. Oh we still fucking suck.]
There are times when I really do have to question the content of reports on the Internet. Well not strictly the content of the actual articles themselves but the advertising that tends to go around with them. I’m sure you all remember reading about Steve Irwin dying from an unprovoked stingray attack, but most of you were probably unaware that on the CNN.com story there was an advert for child bereavement counselling. How exceptionally thoughtful and touching that was! So, this past week I was reading an article on the Cleveland Indians trying to get Major League Baseball to allow them to wear Larry Doby’s number 14 jersey during their July 5 th tilt against my Detroit Tigers. For those of you who are unaware (i.e. all of you), Doby became the first black player to play in baseball’s American League a few weeks after Jackie Robinson broke the colour barrier to become the first black player in baseball ever. Now this is a great story, but underneath this was an advert which read: Use what you learned in this article to dominate at Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Baseball '07. Why yes, reading about a major league player who made his debut in 1947 is going to help me win a fantasy baseball league title this season. Are you people fucking idiots? Can you not proof read shit? Anyways, less moaning, more writing…
Indeed
It Means Nothing. Actually, It Means Less Than Nothing: There was no doubt in my mind what story was going to be the lead-off this week. Some of you may have heard that Carl Barat, formerly of The Libertines, has formed a new band called the Dirty Pretty Things. In fact, the lovely Karma Whore has reviewed their debut album and you can find that right here. Some of you may also have heard that Barat got backon stage this past weekend to play with his old band mate P*** D******. Well given how much the NME sucked the cock’s of The Libertines when they were still going, you can imagine how much they’ve shot their load over this. And it’s not just the music magazine I’d love to kick into a bloody, quivering, crying mess that is spooging themselves silly as fans of the band said that they cried after seeing them back on stage and in one sentence completely grounded and not drowning in hyperbole that the “night should be bottled up and buried in the Blue Peter garden for the unborn generation”. FUCK ME YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNTS! The Libertines were not the greatest thing that happened to rock and roll in the last twenty years, only the NME fucking thought so and you gullible cunts swallowed it like cheap whores at two for one night. But yet a-fucking-gain the NME has decreed something as so essential, so vital that everyone immediately leaps all over it. Face it, The Libertines were a passing fad blown up out of all proportion by the NME (just where are The Strokes who were the leaders of this new scene?), and when the history of music is written they won’t even be a footnote as their illustrious peers like the Kaiser Chiefs, Franz Ferdinand, White Stripes have all got much more on their resume than two dodgily produced albums and tours where only 75% of the band showed up. And D******, will you please fuck off and die, preferably alone and in squalor. Cunt.
Fuck Me, Another One: Right, I’m really starting to get sick to fucking death of all this reunion shit. First it was Take That without the fat fucking cunt, then The Jam without Paul fucking Weller, and now it seems as though two bands may about to be reforming. Slash, guitarist with Velvet Revolver has said that he wants his current band to stop playing songs by their former employers and instead get the Stone Temple Pilots and Guns N Roses to reform “just for the fun of it”. Now while I don’t really see the chances for a Guns N Roses reunion due to Axl Rose’s ginormous ego, is there really that much of an audience for a Stone Temple Pilots reunion. I mean they weren’t even that good in the first place.
You Could Try And Make It Up, It Just Wouldn’t Work: Fact – The Rolling Stones earn a squillion dollars every time they gout on tour. Bearing this is mind, you have to think that former bass player Bill Wyman is maybe feeling a tad left out of the millions his former comrades in rock are making, so he has come up with an ingenious plan to try and catch up with (Very) Old Rubber Lips: his own metal detector! See what I mean about not being able to make shit like this up? This is what I fucking live for! Anyway, according to Wyman the detector is “lightweight and adjustable” and can be used for a hobby which “isn’t just for anoraks or eccentrics”. He also hopes that the new detector will see “more people take up the adventure and delight in personally discovering our nation’s history”. Now we here at Straw Donkeys may swear far more than is healthy and go to severe depths of depravity in what we do, but never let it be said that we don’t inform or educate.
It’s Them Again: I honestly do not know what I’d do if The Rolling Stones didn’t exist. Apart from providing a harder alternative to The Beatles jingly jangly guitar pop, they have provided an immense source of amusing stories of drug abuse and falling out of trees PLUS the ever-going question of whether Keith Richards is in fact a robot. Anyway, the aging rockers have come under fire from Serbian animal rights activists after plans were revealed to sedate 300 horses during the bands performance in Belgrade . See what I mean? I love the Stones!
Warning! Karma Whore Rant Ahead: Well hello again you gormless bunch of inbreds, I've been let out of my cage again, and if Liam thinks I’m going back, he has another thing coming......... This week’s rant topic is internet perverts! I know what you’re thinking, but they are out there ladies, but some are worse than others. There are three types of internet perverts, as listed here. 1. The "my wife does not understand me/ were separated" type. These are harmless, as long as you don’t fall for their lies. 2. "Noel Edmonds jumper wearing type” perverts live with their mummy, have had one shag, but think they are experts because they have watched "The Karma Sutra" video six times..... again, harmless. 3. "Psychotic sexual harasser/predator pervert" The only one to be wary of ladies, often have no teeth, and no life, but I digress, possibly dangerous. Why?? Well they stalk you via MSN, pester you for pictures, then, when you think you may have got rid of him, he will come back, as someone else, but still the same old pervert. There's a lesson to be learnt here ladies, wherever you go on the internet, and let’s face it, the possibilities are endless. There ARE VERY, VERY DODGY men out there that will screw you over and stalk you given half the chance. Once a perv, always a perv is my motto. These leopards won’t change their spots, but we can change our tactics. Ladies please be careful, especially of men using names from William Shakespeare's plays, thems the worst.
Quick And Dirty Hits: Lily Allen’s US tour is in doubt because she’s homesick. Oh for fuck’s sake you dozy bint, do you want to be rich or not?... Madonna is insisting that her recent trip to Africa was not to adopt another child. Some people pop down the shops to buy milk, stupidly rich and famous people fly halfway across the word to buy children… James Cunt was not charged with running over someone’s foot in Los Angeles . Why couldn’t the victim have just beaten the crap out of the whiny voiced prick?... P*** D****** is close to being declared bankrupt. There is a fucking God after all… LiveEarth, the climate change awareness gig taking place IN DA SUMMER, has decreed that tickets can be sold on eBay if 20% of the sell on fee is donated to charity. Well that’s one way to deter the touts… Bono and The Edge are to contribute to a musical based on Spiderman. Why yes, you read that correctly…
If you can dodge stationary traffic while pissed, you can dodge a ball
Great Albums As Picked By Me: Some of you may be aware that I have already inducted one album by The Pogues into the Straw Donkeys Album Hall Of Fame thingy that we have, so it comes as no surprise that I take the older brother of ‘If I Should Fall From Grace With God’ and put it in as well. There was a small line-up change from the previous album, with guitarist Philip Chevron joining full-time (he had temporarily replaced Jem Finer on banjo a few months back when he went on paternity leave) and they managed to get Elvis Costello to produce the album (no doubt because he fancied the crap out of bassist Cait O’Riordan) so the rough edges of ‘Red Roses For Me’ could be smoothed out. But what The Pogues achieved on ‘Rum, Sodomy And The Lash’ has lasted the test of time, and found itself placed on Rolling Stone magazine’s list of the best 500 albums of all time ever. Take ‘ Dirty Old Town ’ for instance, the version here of which has now become the definitive version. But even apart from there, the album has perhaps the greatest opening seven track salvo perhaps ever compiled from the adrenaline fuelled ‘Sick Bed Of Cuchulainn’ to the aforementioned ‘Dirty Old Town’ The Pogues blitz with quality song after quality song. The mournful dirge of ‘The Old Main Drag’ complimenting its lyrics about living life in the gutter of London, the ferocious instrumental that is ‘Wildcats Of Kilkenny’ The cornerstone of the opening, and indeed the whole album is ‘A Pair Of Brown Eyes’ and it is without doubt the finest song ever written by Shane MacGowan. From its infectious refrain to lyrics about the brutality of war and loss of love it tugs at the heart strings without ever getting too sickly. The second half of the album does seem to get sucked down under the weight of the quality of the first but this is remedied by the magnificence of their version of ‘And The Band Played Waltzing Matilda’. Is it better than ‘If I Should Fall…’ though? In my opinion the latter album just outweighs it but this runs it a mighty close second, and with it now being remastered and having the equally fantastic ‘Poguetry In Motion’ packaged with it there is no reason not to get one of the best albums you’ll ever hear. Classic just doesn’t cover it.
Why yes, I'm drunk AGAIN!
The Karma Whore returns with the charts. Read and learn…
10. Kaiser Chiefs: Ruby (B Unique/Polydor) - Best song in the top ten.
9. Alex Gaudino ft. Crystal Waters: Destination Calabria(Data) - Heard it yesterday, and I was right, its fucking terrible. My five year old niece could do better with her plastic tambourine and baby sized drum kit.
8. Fergie Ft. Ludacris: Glamourous (A&M) - Quite possibly the biggest load of fucking shite my ears have ever been subjected to. I have more talent in my eyelashes than Fergie does in her whole (airbrushed) body. Fuck off now, and I will stop slating you. Well I might.
7. The Fray: How to save a life (Epic) - They may need to know this, as I believe Dr Pope is still on the rampage..........
6. Gwen Stefani ft. Akon : Sweet Escape (Interscope) - Still more irritating than thrush.
5. Beyonce & Shakira: Beautiful liar ( Columbia ) - Thighs, hips, young boys everywhere are still dirtying their sheets............
4. The Proclaimers, ft Brian Potter and Andy Pipkin: (I’m Gonna Be) 500 miles (EMI) - No longer funny, next.
3. Avril Lavigne: Girlfriend (RCA) - Since when did she start making records only a five year old would want to buy?? Sell-out.
2. Mark Ronson ft. D Merriweather: Stop Me ( Columbia ) - Not heard it, and if I had I didn’t notice..........
1. Timbaland ft. Nelly Furtado: Give it to me (Interscope) - Growing on me, the way an embarrassing growth would, if I had one, which I don’t.
This week’s competition: Who is old, has moved nearer to his bisexual married girlfriend who won’t leave her husband but is great in bed? Answers in an email to my name at the top of the article.