The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Eleventy!111!!1!1!!!! by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 17. Oh we fucking suck.]
So what did I get up to in my week away? I got rained on, was found out that I am the fussiest dresser on earth, I may be a tad on the clumsy side, I should really pay attention when children are playing pool or else I will get a poke in the eye, giant pretzels from Cambridge station are lovely and other stuff. This is also rushed despite the fact it was 90% complete yesterday. Why? Because some fuckwit at my work blew up a firewall which in turn blew up our internet access and thus made me have to, get this, work today and not do any of this sort of stuff. Anyway, lets get down to the nitty gritty.
When did I get so fucking thin????
Oh For Fuck’s Sake: I was initially going to relegate this to a quick and dirty hit status, but then I realised that when musicians and politics mix I tend to get very fucking angry very fucking quickly. Anyway former or current Blur drummer Dave Rowntree, and giving how little I keep up with this sort of shit and due to how up his own arse Damn Albarn is I have no idea if Blur are still going, has decided that rather than saying his political views in an interview and coming across as a hypocritical twat by not acting on them that he’s actually going to do something vaguely political. He will be standing as a Labour candidate in the local council by-election in Marylebone, London . Now if we an get Christ Martin to do the same but only as an MP, maybe we will be spared the pain and misery of another fucking godawful Coldplay record. Come on Christ, make my wish come true!
When Is A Reunion Not A Reunion ? Remember few weeks back I mentioned that The Jam were reforming without Paul Weller which kind of undercut the whole point of a band getting back together. Hell, when the Pogues reformed they got the classic line-up established from the start and still managed to get former bassist Cait O’Riordan back in 2004. Anyway, it seems that the reunion of the Billy Corgan Self Fellating Project, also known as the Smashing Pumpkins is only half ready as former guitarist James Iha is too busy with some side projects to go back on tour with the slap headed ego maniac. Also absent so far is bassist Darcy… oh fuck I’ve forgotten her name and let’s be honest, this is Billy Corgan wanking over how good he used to be and how very shit he is now without the original supporting cast.
Sweet Blabbering Bollocks: It’s one thing to be a musician in the public eye as you are having every word you say or sing analysed millions of times over and your every move scrutinised. Plus you also get asked by the papers to give your opinions on fellow musicians in order to start a ruckus. Enter Bloc Party singer Kele Okereke who ripped P*** D****** in The Guardian recently over whether an artist has to be tortured in order to create. Okereke said that it was bollocks that people where idolising D****** due to his drug taking and the fact that the ugly cunt hadn’t actually created anything great. I think that Okereke may have a point, though D******’s continuing existence on this planet causes me great pain and misery.
FUCK! ME! Another article which could have served as a Quick And Dirty Hit but its sheer fucking stupidity meant that I just had to give it it’s own item. And that’s too many fucking its in one sentence for me. Anyway, some twat called Leonard Salati is alleging in (where else) America that he was grabbed and choked by two of Janet Jackson’s bodyguards while out clubbing. How much is Salati suing her for? If you said $120 million then collect your prize. Yes, someone got attacked and is suing the World’sMost Veiny Nipple for $120 million! Say it out loud, it makes it worse. America , WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? No wonder we divorced you in the eighteenth century.
It's the Hit Parade and therefore to be expected
Great Albums As Picked By Me: Yes, it’s April and so we have the return of the next batch of inductees into the Straw Donkeys Album Hall of Fame, which is obviously not an excuse for me to throw together a filler article come the end of the year. However, due to the short nature of the month we are only inducting three albums this time around so let’s cut the bullshit and get to our first nominee/victim/delete as applicable. When you think of punk you shouldn’t think of The Offspring, Green Day, Bowling For Soup or *shudder* Good Charlotte, for back in 1977 there were two bands that deserved to wear that tag. Sure, The Ramones did it first but The Sex Pistols nailed the whole thing. From the insanely simply chord structures, eyebrow raising lyrics and general gobbiness, they were punk. On the other side of the fence were The Clash, who raised the bar somewhat and none more so than on London Calling. Bookended by two classic tunes, the discordant title track to start and gorgeous guitar pop of ‘Train In Vain’, The Clash took punk’s ethos and enthused it with whatever took their fancy. From the reggae of ‘Revolution Rock’ to the proto ska punk of ‘Wrong ‘Em Boyo’ to the lush orchestral stylings of ‘The Card Cheat’ it reeks of a band that wanted to shake off their punk label and do something different while still remaining true to the cause which in turn gave birth to one of the defining albums ever recorded. And if you want even further proof of their genius just listen to ‘The Guns Of Brixton’, you’ll see what I mean.
Quick And Dirty Hits: The victim in the Phil Spector murder trial was suffering from depression. Now that’s no reason to shoot her is it?... Lily Allen is to guest on the new Common record. Nothing witty needed here… There is a band called Hadouken! after the noise that Ken and Ryu made on Streetfighter 2.That is so fucking awesome… Snoop Dogg has escaped prison over those things he did that I fail to recall at this time… Ice cream makers Ben & Jerry are to make Bohemian Raspberry flavour after rock band Queen. So many jokes, so little time… A rock and roll theme park is to open next year. Where? In America of course…
Sleep tight motherfuckers!
And I steal the Karma Whore once again, but this time to weave her magical powers over the charts.
10. Beyonce and Shakira: Beautiful liar (Columbia) - It was only a matter of time before the thighs and the hips joined forces against teenage boys everywhere, not my cup of tea, and being a mother of a teenage boy, I’m dreading the filthy sheets.........
9. Kaiser Chiefs: Ruby (B Unique/Polydor) - Pure Kaiser gold. Now go read the review!!
8. Timberland Ft. Nelly Furtado: Give it to me (Interscope) - Please don’t, I don’t want it.........
7. Fergie Ft. Ludacris: Glamourous (A&M) - The biggest pile of shite my ears have ever been subjected to, please die a horrible death, you evil ugly troll bint.
6. Mark Ronson Ft. D. Merriweather: Stop me ( Columbia ) - Not heard it, but doubt it will change my life, so I fail to care.
5. Alex Gaudino Ft. Crystal Waters: Destination Calabria(Data) - See comment for number six, and I repeat.....
4. The Fray: How to save a life (Epic) - It's alright I suppose, but then so is Noel Edmonds .......
3. Gwen Stefani Ft. Akon: Sweet escape (Interscope) - Dear Gwen seems to think her superstar status means she can chuck out any old fucking crap, and the general public will eat it up. Well I won’t, it's bollocks, and she knows it.
2. Avril Lavigne: Girlfriend (RCA) - What the fuck happened?? She gets married and her song writing ability is sucked out of her by a husband. Pathetic.
1. The Proclaimers Ft. Brian Potter & Andy Pipkin: (I’m gonna be) 500 miles (EMI) - THE funniest thing about comic relief, Lenny Henry should retire - NOW!
That’ll do you reprobates for this week.