The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Ten by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 27. No fucking semi-nudity.]
Well another week, another shitty excuse for a bandwidth leech. No-one reads this crap, no-one cares and as such nor do I anymore. But why am I angry? I’ve got everything I want: a loving girlfriend, a well paid job, great family and friends but still every so often I get so fucked off with this shitty fucking life that I have that I seriously want to kill everyone and everything in fucking sight. Am I mentally ill? Quite possibly, as over recent years I can go from on top of the world to wishing death upon almost everyone I know in a split second and I can’t stop it. I think they call it a vicious circle or something like that. And also knowing me like I do, I’ll be fine come Thursday afternoon and this fucking intro will look like the work of the fucking petulant fucking child that I really am. But do I give a flying fuck what anyone thinks about me anymore? Do I even care? If you even need to think about the answer to that one, there’s probably a bridge nearby that’s waiting for you because Christ knows we need the oxygen more than you fucking do.
My favourite building
Liam Took Me To St. Paul’s Cathedral, And All I Got Was This Lousy Spoon: Don’t worry there are only two other people not named me that will get the references in this week’s headline descriptions, but I’ll take that. Anyway, it seems that Snoop Dogg has got into a wee bit of trouble over his visa. The Doggfather was due to be touring the UK this week with the King Of Excess that is P DiddlyIddly but Home Secretary John Reid, the same Home Secretary that lost a few thousand prisoners and terror suspects, denied the visa request due to Snoop’s previous criminal past. You know, the masses of drug and weapons charges he’s accumulated. To counter Snoop wants to be a spokesmen for peace, as he used to have a beef with Diddy due to that whole East Coast – West Coast thing which seems to have finally been settled. I have no idea why the Home Secretary would try and deny a serial stoner like Dogg entry to the country, and besides Snoop’s not actually that bad compared to some other rappers anyway.
I WANT FOOD: It had to happen sooner rather than later. Apparently, some unscrupulous internet service providers in the United States are coming up with plans that would see them charge a fee to make some websites load faster than others. Why yes, you read that right. Anyway, a load of bands like Ok Go and REM have signed up for the Rock The Net Campaign to keep the internet free of this sort of censorship and allow you mindless drones to still get your free pornography without having to wait. And so after fuck knows how long, a load of musicians have got behind a campaign that even I can get behind. Long live quick loading internet pornography!
I Must Like You, I Picked Up Your Magazine In The Middle Of A Road : It seems like only a few weeks ago in this very space that I was criticising the decision to make a musical out of Take That’s back catalogue. Well, it gets much, much worse as a dance group in Seattle have taken Nirvana’s ‘Nevermind’ album and turned it into some sort of dance type play. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? Seriously, it is getting to the point where even The Pogues could theoretically get a stage show built around their music, but at least guitarist Philip Chevron has some background in theatre. As for this Nirvana stuff, can’t they just let Kurt Cobain die already?
But I Need To Buy Tat: I swear, this could be the most awesome thing ever in the history of awesome things. Apparently, Michael Jackson is in negotiations to perform a semi-regular show in Las Vegas . So far, so normal. However, as part of the promotional blitz one would assume would ensue should he get a show there, his people have come up with a… how to put this best… novel way of promoting it. How? By building a 50 foot tall robotic Michael Jackson which fires lasers. I repeat: They plan to build a 50 foot tall robotic Michael Jackson in the desert which fires lasers. Do you honestly think I can possibly follow that up?
FUCK OFF HIPPIES!
Warning – Contains Filler Like Substance: Ah the filler section, where I get to moan or praise or whatever else flits into my mind at the time of writing. Now you know I wrote here a few weeks ago that Slough Town were on the verge of relegation? Well at 9:36pm on Tuesday the 27 th March 2007 Slough lost 0-3 to Walton & Hersham, a defeat which when coupled with Hendon’s 3-1 victory at Staines condemned Slough to plunging to the lowest level of football that the club has played at in its 117 years of existence. The halcyon days of the Conference and regular appearances in the FA Cup proper are now as far away as they’ve ever been, to be replaced by players going out on strike when they’re not being paid, a new home for the club looking as far away as its ever been and the very real possibility that there will be no club at all to speak of next season. And yet, there’s the nagging feeling that whatever happens I’ll still end up going to the games, swearing lots and drinking more. I think I may have some sort of either crippling addiction or brain injury but can’t decide which.
Quick And Dirty Hits: One of the Black Eyed Peas was arrested for drug driving. Like I can be fucking arsed to find out which one of the useless cunts it was… Eminem cries like a little girl according to his ex-wife. How touching… Shirley Bassey is to play Glastonbury . Why yes, you read that right… Lady Sovereign is to play a gig in the middle of a go-kart track… Pete Townshend has said that The Police aren’t classic rock. Just what is classic rock anyway…
The Karma Whore Speaks: Yes good people, Karma Whore is back for another rant this week. Poor Liam, I’m sure he wishes he hadn't let me out of the cage. No matter though. Were having a bitch this week about the latest fashion craze, "size zero" Having already started ranting about this on another website, I thought I’d carry on over here at Straw Donkeys. Being a woman of a certain age and shape (and gorgeous – Liam), I’m getting pretty fucked off with having to listen and see young woman nibble on their lettuce leaves, and barfing in the toilets at work. When is the world going to realise that being the size of a seven year old child just isn’t sexy, it’s just totally fucking wrong. I read in today’s papers about Allegre Versace, daughter of Donatella (no, not the fucking ninja turtle, idiots) has been admitted to hospital weighing just four and a half stone. Is she a product of her environment?? Or is it so common amongst young girls these days that it wouldn’t matter who she was or what her life was, would she have still ended up this way?? Ladies, its time to fight back, curves are good, curves are something to be proud of, so if ANY man, woman or gerbil ever tells you otherwise you have the Karma Whore’s permission to maim their genitalia. Maim it good people, cos this is one fashion craze I want to see the back off. Now if you will excuse me, I have a bag of minstrels begging to be eaten. So eat drink and be curvy, or I will kick you sorry, skinny little asses all the way to Thorntons . Rant over.
I was told to take it
Time for the rundown. Hold on tight…
10. Fergie Ft. Ludacris: Glamorous (A&M) – Didn’t hear any Luda in my snippet, but fuck me I don’t even think he could save this. Can someone please kill this bitch and take those fucking cunts of a band she hangs around with as well? Please?
9. Maximo Park : Our Velocity (Warp) – Fundamentally sound, but lacking in what I call BIG GUITARS.
8. Kaiser Chiefs: Ruby (B Unique/ Polydor) – Awesome stuff which is par for the course for the Chiefs.
7. Take That: Shine (Polydor) – Oh fuck off and go away please. I survived your shit the first time, and I’ll fucking do it the second time as well.
6. The Fray: How To Save A Life (Epic) – The Karma Whore once told me that one of the things she liked in me was my taste in music. Admitting that I like his has probably changed her mind.
5. Alex Gaudino Ft. Crystal Waters: Destination Calabria(Data) – I remember when dance records that got into the charts were good. This isn’t one of them.
4. Gwen Stefani Ft. Akon: The Sweet Escape (Interscope) – Oh fucking make it fucking stop.
3. Avril Lavigne: Girlfriend (Arista) – Not ripping Alanis at all… and then it goes production line American teen idol. Not a fucking good thing.
2. Sugababes Vs Girls Aloud: Walk This Way (Fascination/Island) – I don’t know where the people come up with these fucking stupid ideas, but I really don’t want to fucking go there.
1. The Proclaimers Ft. Brian Potter & Andy Pipkin: (I'm Gonna Be) 500 Miles (EMI) – I guess it becomes Single Of The Week by default. And this is not a bad thing, even before the genius that is Rod, Jane and Freddy.
Alright, we’re fucked out of ideas. See y’all later.