The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Nine by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 26. Much fucking better.]
It has come to my attention that this column is rubbish. Actually, that is pretty much obvious every time I transfer thoughts to keyboard but that is besides the point. In fact, it’s not even the point at all. A few of my female readers, well two of them anyway, have complained to me in the past that there are just too many pictures of semi-naked women adorning this column and that it is turning them off from reading in the future. So in order to vainly save whatever audience I have, this edition of the Hit Parade is now officially the One For The Ladies edition so any blokes reading should best get out sharpish. And as an advanced warning, there shalt be no update upon the Easter weekend as I’m not planning on being here, but enjoying a well earned week away from work. Oh yes, I planned in advance. So with considerably less waffling, on with the show.
All men leave now!
Controversy = Ratings: I have no idea if such a scale exists but if it did, the Eurovision Song Contest would be near the bottom of ‘Things You Should Give A Shit About’. For those not averse to this most embarrassing and kitsch of European strangeness allow me to explain. Every year, twenty or so European countries send bands and singers to represent their home nation in a toe-curling competition to see who can sing the best. Then said countries vote for the best and whomever should win will get bragging rights that anyone of sound mind wouldn’t actually want. Of course, this being Europe old rivalries die hard so you’ll find the French, Germans and Irish never voting for the United Kingdom, the Scandanavian countries voting for each other and former Soviet Republics in cahoots to try and give us a completely bonkers winner, much like last years winners Lordi, a mask wearing Finnish metal band. Anyway, this year’s search for a British representative saw controversy abound as presenters Terry Wogan (who to be honest, gives the competition its necessary gravitas by quite blatantly taking the piss) and Fearne Cotton (who I had a crush onback when she used to present early morning Disney show Digit with some cunt whose name eludes me on Saturday mornings, man they made my hangovers pleasurable…) announced two different winners, leaving the likes of Brian ‘I ran myself over with my own car’ Harvey, Liz ‘Sigh’ McLarnon and Justin ‘Hear me squeak’ Hawkins in the dust. It’s obviously a matter of fact that the two representatives were unknowns and four piece Scooch (who rank higher on than the Fast Food Rockers on the ‘I want to fucking shoot them constantly in the head with a fucking big gun’ scale) will represent the UK at the show, leaving the other finalist confused and probably suicidal. Then more controversy rose its ugly head later in the week, as it was found out that Scooch had used backing singers because, I can’t believe I’m typing this, “it’s hard to sing and do dance routines at the same time.” FUCK ME! I never fucking knew that!
How The Fuck Did That Happen? You know what happens when you decide not to check the news for a while? Usually it’s someone you really admire in the public eye dying but this time it’s something much more improbable. P*** D******’s band Babyshambles have announced, of all things, a motherfucking arena tour. When did the memo get sent round that they had actually sold enough records to warrant such enormous gigs? They aren’t the fucking Arctic Monkeys for crying out loud, or Snow Patrol or Keane but I’d rather go see one of them than that shambolic shower of shite. Well, maybe not Keane but you get the point. Hopefully, and this is more than likely to happen, most of the gigs will be half empty and that twat will have to fork out of his own pocket for it. Plus, he could probably die as well.
The Power Of Two Evils: Last week I reported that in their continuing attempts to take over the known universe, Seattle based coffee chain Starbucks had announced that they will be launching a record label. Well do you want to know which fucking cunt they have announced as their first signing? Motherfucking Paul McCartney! It’s almost as if they are desperately trying to get me to actively not get my morning coffee from there in the future, and if they start having ‘Live And Let Die’ playing in their shops then blood shall be spilt.
I Can’t Escape This Man: I have no idea how this ended up as news, but damnit I’m stretching to give you some proper goodness before I fuck off for a week. Anyway, it seems that Justin Timberlake was due to receive an award due to his meritorious (is that even a fucking word? My spellchecker seems to think so) service to the state of Tennessee . However, local politicians have nixed this idea because (Jesus Christ when will the Religious Reich stop trying to strangle America ) of his conduct in the Nipplegate Superbowl Fiasco and because of the rather suggestive nature of his song titles. Seriously, I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with America . Firstly, we have the educational board of Kansas honestly trying to get creationism into schools as a bona fide scientific explanation for the creation of life, now some backwards inbred hillbilly state won’t honour the most famous man to come out of its swamps in recent years because he wrote a song called ‘Rock Your Body’. Hello America , is anybody out there not completely retarded?
I just don't see it
Warning - Contains Guest Filler: Hello again you good people, Karma Whore here, Liam has asked me to do a little bit of filler this week. I was going to say "no" but he did beg........... I’ll admit I have very little that I can actually talk about, I could write some really good stuff about our host Liam, but it would quite frankly be pornographic. And since his mum reads this, there could be consequences..... Anyhow my main gripe this week, as it is most weeks is Chavs. Having had Vicky Pollard’s twin sister move into the flat below me, I feel I am qualified to rant about the subject. So after being woke up at obscene times of the mornings by her playing what can only be described as "appallingly shit R n B" and having to listen to her shag anyone of the poor unsuspecting blokes she manages to lure into her flat, the only conclusion I can come to is that they all should be either shot, put in stocks, or drowned at birth. Harsh, not really no, I mean do you really enjoy walking down the street and seeing chavvy girls with their stomachs hanging over their fake designer jeans?? Does it warm your heart to see male chavs spitting on the street, then surveying the spit like it’s something to be proud of. No? Thought not. What I'd really like to know is where they originate from?? Are they born with a Burberry baseball cap?? Do their parents like what they have produced? Or, and this is my personal favourite, do they come out of holes in the ground, the depths of hell?? Is hell full of chavs? Probably, maybe I’m getting older and more respectable, either that or I’m turning into Jeremy Clarkson. I think the solution is simple, lets pretend they have bird flu, and incinerate the fuckers, because if we don’t people, they will take over the world, a chav apocalypse if you like. So I’m declaring March the 23rd "kill a chav day". You know it makes sense........
Quick And Dirty Hits: Madness are to re-record ‘Baggy Trousers’ with British rapper Sway. Could be interesting, could be a train wreck… Jurassic 5 are to split up. This makes Liam sad… Jury selection has started in the Phil Spector trial… The Reading Festival has sold out. Good thing I’ve got two tickets… Shane MacGowan busted up his knee ligaments after a fall during The Pogues St. Patrick’s tour of America . Told you he was indestructible… Timbaland is to help out on production for the next Coldplay album. RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES… The Chemical Brothers will have a new album out in the summer. YAY!...
Starting to feel inadequate...
And this the way the chart rolls this week. Hold tight...
10. Calvin Harris: Acceptable In The 80s (Columbia) – Been all over Soccer AM in recent weeks which is why I can say that I absolutely love this. Chalk up another ‘Single Of The Year’ contender.
9. Camille Jones/Fedde Le Grande: The Creeps (Data) – Fuck me! Two decent singles in a row! Can the Great British public keep this up?
8. Justin Timberlake: What Goes Around Comes Around (Jive) - Unfortunately not. Personally, I don’t see the appeal of Mr. Trousersnake. I mean ladies, who would you rather wake up next to?
Or...
I rest my case.
7. Mika: Grace Kelly (Casablanca/Island) – Well those dumb fucking cunts finally fucking removed Chico ’s fucking site from their recommended section and replaced it with this fucking tosser. Seriously, baby Jesus has moved past crying and is currently assembling a fuck off big bomb with which to fucking kill whoever is fucking in charge of the BBC’s Official Chart page. And yes, Mika is still a cunt.
6. Kaiser Chiefs: Ruby (B Unique/Polydor) – I brought the album this was spawned off for someone very special to me’s birthday. And guess what, I like this too.
5. The Fray: How To Save A Life (Epic) – My dignity has long since been destroyed, as has my ability to stand fast in the face of windswept balladry. But still, they aren’t fucking Keane so that can only be a good thing.
4. Take That: Shine (Polydor) – And lo it came to pass. The stars aligned correctly, there was scarcely a breeze in the air. And if you listened really close, you could hear Robbie Williams crying in rehab.
3. Proclaimers feat. Brian Potter & Andy Pipkin: (I'm Gonna Be) 500 Miles (EMI) – Well the original was great anyway, but the video has ROD, JANE AND FREDDY in it, and as such is YOUR StrawDonkeys single of the week.
2. Gwen Stefani Ft Akon: The Sweet Escape (Interscope) – Truly, truly fucking terrible. Next.
1. Sugababes Vs Girls Aloud: Walk This Way (Fascination/Island) – This wasn’t even a good idea in paper, and is insufferably horrible in execution. Still, the video is pretty much clothed porn so I guess that can be a good thing for all you out there who like that sort of thing. But not me.
Okay, no badger bombs this week. Maybe we’ll build something equally stupid next time.