The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Eight by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 33. We have REALLY got to stop fucking swearing.]
Well I took a slightly longer break than I anticipated, and thanks for the many thousands of emails which crashed the Google Mail server. Okay I didn’t actually get a single email asking what the hell had happened, but I can assure you it had nothing whatsoever to do with any kind of farmyard animal or bizarre sexual kink that went horribly wrong. The real reason that I essentially gave up writing for a fortnight was because there was fuck buggery all going on in the world of music, so rather than subjecting you poor deluded fuckers to a chart run down and not much else OR doing a long and poorly structured Op/Ed piece I simply decided not to do it. And anyway, the time off allowed me to get better acquainted with Pokemon FireRed and Emerald as well as Supreme Commander, a review of which is coming soon I think. Anyway, I think I’ve spoken too much now but I will ask if everyone could possibly visit some of the links of the main and subject pages as there is far better stuff there than is contained here.
Now This Is Just Silly: I have no idea of the ins and outs of rap culture, American culture or just how the police force in the United States works. All I do know is that Americans sue each other for the most pointless things, like a woman suing both Pizza Hut and a man she held a door open for after she hurt herself. Don’t believe me? Well click here. Anyway, the latest piece of idiocy has come from the streets of New York where rapper Busta Rhymes has been barred from filming scenes in the city for his current movie as apparently it isn’t safe for him. This all stems from Busta’s refusal to co-operate with the NYPD over the murder of his bodyguard last year. You know, there’s a moral here about gun culture but I’m sure you can all guess what it is. Maybe you dumb fucks wouldn’t have a problem with fucking guns if they weren’t so fucking easily fucking available. Wankers.
Claire Will Not Be Happy: My home town of Slough is many things. An industrial shit hole, wasting away under a carpet of empty office blocks and choking under a severe lack of open spaces being people’s secondary impression after Ricky Gervais’ ‘David Brent dance’ from The Office. But the one thing Slough does have going for it, and a fact that makes Claire very happy, is that it doesn’t have a Starbucks even though that will change later this year. But the Seattle coffee chain are steaming ahead with their plan for world domination by launching a record label properly, as opposed to the current set-up which licences songs from other labels. What’s more worrying is that the chain aren’t going to restrict getting their fingers into the musical pie but will also be stretching out into books and films and becoming the caffeine driven equivalent of Microsoft. I can also see in the near future a world war being fought not between nations but by two billionaires in Washington State . And you can quote me on that.
Creativity Is Dead: I have no idea which came first, ‘Mamma Mia’ or ‘We Will Rock You’ but that’s at least two West End shows which have been based off of the music of bands. So the next band which are going to immortalised, if that’s even the right fucking word, on stage are slight podgy and balding boy band Take That. The story, if there fucking even is one, will concentrate on a Take That tribute band… and fuck this shit! Are people that lacking in fucking creativity that they have to write a flimsy story around other people’s songs? Sure Andrew Lloyd Webber took T.S. Eliot’s poems about cats and made a fucking musical out of it, but that is an awesome show. This on the other hand reeks of a section of entertainment that is quickly running out of ideas.
I Guess There’s A Point To This: You see, I never really saw the point of Michael Jackson buying up the publishing rights to The Beatles back catalogue but fucking hell, I’m struggling to fill my word quotient here. Anyway from what I can gather, and I’m not exactly business savvy so I have no idea what any of this bollocks means, Jackson can’t afford to keep them as his ownership in Sony has seen him stung to the tune of $250 million for expenses, even though Sony will be paying him $8.5 million under the terms of his current deal. You know what, let’s just say Jackson ’s skint and Paul McCartney will get his hands back on the rights and everything will be right with the world. Why do I bother writing about this shit?
Warning – May Contain Filler: This past Tuesday saw Slough Town suffer their third 5-0 defeat at home this season, and their ninth defeat in the league by four goals or more. The Rebels are currently 17 points off of probable safety and 21 off definite safety with 33 points to play for. They have a squad of players who give their all, but don’t have the physical presence or talent to compete at the level they are playing at. The playing budget has been slashed to pieces, while there is currently no idea who is actually backing the club or paying the players wages. The man who seems to be handling the day to day running of the club has constantly been going to the Supporters Trust with a begging bowl to keep the club going. The club haven’t even begun negotiations with any local sides to try and secure a ground-share agreement for next season. And all through this the Supporters Trust, the organisation who were set-up to try and run the club should the need arise are ominously silent, having meetings and not communicating with anyone. So you know what? Fuck it. I’ve been put through the wringer enough times, been treated like a piece of fucking shit for too long. As a supporter who pays his money at the gate I’m not entitled to ask questions about the short-term future, and if I should happen to be granted an audience with the powers that be, any information that is passed to me must not be passed to anyone else. No-one tells anyone a fucking thing. You know you’re getting fucked over when you have opposition fans coming onto your own messageboard telling you they have signed one of your players while you own club buries its head in the sand. The question is, should the club be put out to die (like it should have been every summer since 1998) or does it carry on like a zombie no-one’s told is dead yet?
Quick And Dirty Hits: Snoop Dogg was arrested on suspicion of being stoned in Sweden . Don’t act all surprised now… Christina Aguilera is to appear in an episode of CSI. I don’t think it will be as shockingly great as Alanis Morrisette’s recent turn on Nip/Tuck… Sum 41 have lost a guitarist. Shows how much I’ve been paying attention recently… Boston singer Brad Delp apparently killed himself. I guess I should care… Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy got writer’s block when collaborating with Jay Z. I wanted to hear that as well for some bizarre reason…
10. Nelly Furtado: Say It Right (Geffen) – Out of all the singles she has released recently, this is most reminiscent of her earlier material, though the timbaland influences are all over it. So yes, it is very good.
9. The Gossip: Standing In The Way Of Control (Back Yard Recordings) – Also known as the band with the giant lesbian in it. And sorry love, but the Yeah Yeah Yeahs did the same thing with more style.
8. Kelis Ft. Cee-Lo: Lil Star (Virgin) – She’s got bags of talent, but her output has always made me think that she’s never truly stretching her ability. Fuck me, when did I become a serious reviewer?
7. Camille Jones/Fedde Le Grande: The Creeps (Data) – Oh yeah, the sound of Basement Jaxx getting the crap kicked out of them by an acid noise generator. Bloody fucking fantastic! In a good way!
6. Mika: Grace Kelly (Casablanca/Island) – Oh fuck off and fucking die you fucking useless fucking piece of fucking shit before I fucking get my fucking hands on your fucking throat and fucking squeeze the fucking life out of you, you fucking cunt monkey cunt.
5. The Fray: How To Save A Life (Epic) – I’ve already said I like this, but not love it.
4. Justin Timberlake: What Goes Around Comes Around (Jive) – Claire fancies the crap out of him. This sounds like an exact duplicate of ‘Cry Me A River’. Must try harder Mr. Trousersnake.
3. Kaiser Chiefs: Ruby (B Unique/Polydor) – Dunno if it will make it onto my Top Ten of the year just yet,
2. Gwen Stefani Ft. Akon: The Sweet Escape (Interscope) – Fucking terrible.
1. Take That: Shine (Polydor) – Fucking terrible.
And that will do it for this week, next week we make bombs out of badgers.