The Hit Parade Volume 3 Issue Seven by Liam R
[Editor’s note: fuck count – 35. We have got to stop fucking swearing. Well I fucking do.]
So much goodness this week I’m a little lost for an introduction. I suppose I could talk about my personal life, but I always talk about my personal life whether up front or in vague allegories which no-one understands and judging by the hits I get a week, no-one actually reads. That leads me to naturally say that if I ever had to make an earth-shattering announcement regarding myself or something that has happened to me would anyone really care? Or would I care that anyone really cares? Fucking hell, I’ve just realised how much garbage I can talk without even so much as making a point. Shall we just get on with it before this grinds to a fucking halt and everything goes three sheets to the breeze? Wait, is that even a fucking saying? The news, you lose awaits you.
I dunno how I did that either
When Is A Reformation Not A Reformation: You may think that the headline is a rhetorical question but its not. News broke this week that mod punk pop legends The Jam are about to reform, except no-one decided to tell front man Paul Weller about it. Now when The Pogues reformed back in 2001, if they hadn’t had Shane MacGowan it would have been good, but not truly fucking awesome. Even The Police got the entire band back together on their current reunion. This isn’t The Jam, it isn’t even close to The Jam. Oh well, maybe Weller will get bored and decide to rejoin his former colleagues or something.
Look At Me, I’m An Attention Whore: Oh I do love that phrase. ‘Attention Whore’, it says it all really. Unless you have been living in a cave with no access to mass media, then you may have heard that Britney Spears has shaved her head. This (non) event was earth-shattering news, making the front pages of the tabloids over here as well as being featured on those fucking irritating news tickers in the United States . But the big question here is why? Why is this news? Can someone please explain it to me, using pictures drawn with crayons if necessary? Much like the Anna Nicole Smith death, this has been thrown into our lives as if it’s really important but really, it’s not that important. The only thing the Anna Nicole thing has going for it is the drug induced death and the fact that her nearly two year old daughter (who seems to have been largely forgotten in this whole sordid mess) may have four different fathers, a situation eerily reminiscent of the ‘Who Is Eric Cartman’s Father’ saga in South Park but with a fuck load more drugs. But yet the public at large devours this for some unfathomable fucking reason, shutting out their own lives in favour of indulging in someone else’s who just happens to be richer and more famous. Of course, the backlash will come with the recent series of Celebrity Big Brother being the prime example, filled with has-beens and never-weres and the nightmarish bullying that went on within. It’s going to be a long hard fight but as long as there are bored housewives with nothing better to do than find out who’s fucking who and whatnot, then it may not even be a battle that can be won.
Ooh, Another Rock Star Scrap May Be Brewing: Not a week goes by without bands laying into other bands. I’ve always wondered why this is or even why band’s bother as Mogwai have pretty much laid the best verbal beatdowns ever (the Blur:AreShite T-Shirts, and comparing James Blunt to vomited blood). The latest band to lay the smack down are The Arcade Fire, and to be honest if anyone was going to start running their mouths, I wouldn’t have thought it would be them. Now I can’t be ducking bothered to cut and paste the whole thing, but the gist of it is that Fire frontman Win Butler doesn’t like the way U2 (yay!), Oasis (semi-yay!) and The Rolling Stones (I hope you know what you’re doing Win) market themselves down people’s throats so much. Now he does have a point, but the other point is this: the music business is a business with a very limited shelf life outside of 1% of all bands. You have to get yourself out, work and flog yourselves to death in order to get as much money out of it as possible. Either that or you’ll be an accountant or flipping burgers at your local fast food emporium.
Don't tell me, I already now
Holy Fucking Shit: I can’t do this justice, I really can’t so here’s what the NME had to say: Former Guns N Roses guitarist Buckethead will be releasing a set of albums entitled 'In Search Of The' on February 21. It has been confirmed that there will be a total of 13 albums in all, each personally numbered and monogrammed by Buckethead himself. According to regular Buckethead collaborator Travis Dickerson: "This is not a regular CD. This is not a manufactured deal. No two of these will be the same. "I have never heard of an artist doing something like this. This is as direct from the artist to the fan as I have ever heard of." As I said, holy fucking shit!
Quick And Dirty Hits: Rapper Foxy Brown was this week, yes you guessed it, arrested after some sort of altercation in a beauty parlour. Nice to see the hip hop ladies getting in on the act… A load of rock stars have signed a petition about zzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, got bored with their constant shoving of politics down my throat again… Britney Spears has gone back into rehab. YOU ARE A FUCKING ATTENTION WHORE YOU USELESS CUNT! DO I MAKE MYSELF FUCKING CLEAR!... Carmen Electra has divorced Dave Navarro. That sound you hear is a million kittens dying at once (don’t ask me to explain that gag)… That Van Halen reunion tour I may have mentioned a few weeks back? Been postponed… Fuck me, The Jesus And Mary Chain have reformed… Britney Spears has left rehab just after entering. And again: YOU ARE A FUCKING ATTENTION WHORE YOU USELESS CUNT! DO I MAKE MYSELF FUCKING CLEAR!
The Detroit Red Wings owning the Fagalanche. Life is good
If anything, I’m beginning to lack some originality when introducing the week’s chart rundown. Oh well, like anyone really fucking cares.
10. Take That: Patience (Polydor) – Jesus fucking Christ they just don’t give up, like a particularly nasty man cold.
9. JoJo: Too Little Too Late (Mercury) – Well, at least it’s not one of the Simpson sisters. Or an American Idol reject. Or something infinitely worse like… I dunno, make up something from your worst nightmares and go with that.
8. Gwen Stefani Ft. Akon: The Sweet Escape (Interscope) – I think I should try and listen to this… Oh fucking hell I really cannot be fucking bothered.
7. The Fray: How To Save A Life (Epic) – Okay, I fucking like it. I fucking like it a lot. Please leave me alone now okay! Please?
6. Mason: Exceeder (Boss/Data) – Bleep bleep fucking bleep. I think this us what they call electro in Da Nang . Or somewhere like that.
5. Fall Out Boy: This Ain't A Scene It's An Arms Race (Mercury) – This week’s chart comprises of nine singles that were here last week and one re-entry. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKING IDIOTS? Originality, look it fucking up. P.S. I don’t mean to take it out on Fall Out Boy either.
4. Just Jack: Starz In Their Eyes (Mercury) – The audio equivalent of ‘Prison Break’, as in it’s very good but not the best thing on at the moment. But very, very nearly.
3. Akon Ft. Snoop Dogg: I Wanna Love You (Universal) – I can’t really decide on whether I like this or not. However, I am beginning to like the track he did with Eminem if that’s any fucking consolation.
2. Kaiser Chiefs: Ruby (B Unique/Polydor) – It’s the Kaiser Chiefs and therefore actually quite good. Not a single of the year contender, but a pleasant enough waste of a few minutes.
1. Mika: Grace Kelly (Casablanca/Island) – As if my unadulterated outburst of fucks and cunts in regard to this crappy haired sack of fucking shit last week was a little bit too vitriolic I have two words for you: FUCK OFF. Oh, and I haven’t even properly got started on this fucking pathetic excuse for a fucking cunt as last week was just a fucking warm-up.