The Year In Our Swear Words – by the Donkeys
Well here’s the last set of quotes for the year, and before we get onto it and after being inspired by Claire’s article this week I guess it’s time for me to be straight up honest. The first half of the year for me was okay, but the summer was hell for reasons all too apparent in previous Hit Parades as I reached a level of immaturity and insanity that I hadn’t previously been for quite a while. I started perking up around October when I met someone, and have then through some more highs and lows culminating in the news that I got in December that my granddad has terminal cancer and had been given less than a year to live. Needless to say, I was looking forward to the Christmas season even less than usual, knowing that this would be the last one that he’d be around for. Still, thanks to a few people I’ve made it this far and the site is going from strength to strength thanks to its writers and their shameless ability to get all their friends to read it. My friends don’t so I hate them for it, no I don’t I love them all really. So without further meandering, I’d like to say a big thanks to Dr Pope for keeping me on the fairly straight and narrow, and also for calling me before New Years. I hope the move went well, and we can hear some more of your heart felt abuse at Slough games in the future. Joey Sarajevo, I may have called you some horrible things buy you’re my go to guy when I need to talk about stuff. Ditto for Phil, though I doubt he’ll read this. Shazzz on the BP forum for giving me and Claire our own thread to go wondering off topic (how did we get to 1,500 posts in one month?), Mia for asking after me when I deleted myself after getting the news about my Granddad and shit got on top of me (which I didn’t actually tell them was my reason for leaving) and other things which will remain on the quiet for the moment. Jane, for being Jane. Second to last, Carly a.k.a FairyMaryMermaid for being a top lunatic, for joining me in late night drunken ramblings, for producing some of the best music I’ve heard this year and for generally being a top girl. Last but not least, Claire. I really have no idea what to say here, but you wore me down and turned me from an angry little git into something approaching a nice bloke. I’ve seen you go from someone scared to write to blossom into a brilliant writer. Never in my wildest dreams would I think that we would go from winding each other up to me realising that you are the most unique and special person I have ever met. If you give me a chance, I’ll make it worth your while, I promise.
July 2006
“I’d nail that shit hard, fast and… well not fast.” – Liam R describes his lovemaking techniques.
“For starters, I need my pornography like a newborn baby needs its mother’s bosom. Secondly, even when I am completely alone I can’t think of anything original. Thirdly, I am so not ready for living life on my own again. Fourthly, I need a woman and quckly.” – Liam has a plan.
“Sounds like an 80s track that I have stuck in my head crossed with Big Country. Isn’t as good as either of them.” – How wrong Liam was about Razorlight’s ‘In The Morning’.
“I haven’t forgiven the Mercury people for snubbing The Prodigy’s mighty ‘Music For The Gilted Generation’ in favour of some shit by M People” – Liam, hold a grudge? Never…
“Y OU MAKE OUT LIKE I HAVE DELIBERATLY TRIED TO DECIEVE YOU . I tried being nice. Like it or not, I am a good person. Nothing you say or do will make me believe that what I did was wrong.” – Well if you tell someone you’re in a relationship AFTER you’ve slept with them and AFTER you’ve gone on a follow-up date, I’d call that pretty deceiving. Wouldn’t you?
“Yeah, I just compared Frank Lampard’s footballing ability to my inability to score with the ladies and you liked it. ” – Sven’s solution was obvious. Send Liam to the World Cup.
“ Waterloo is inhabited by the biggest collection of inbreds and retards outside of Bracknell. I mean how fucking hard is it to walk at something quicker than ‘stoned sloth’? How hard is it to stand by the departure board rather than squint at them from fifty feet away? How fucking hard is it to walk in single fucking file rather than four or five across while still walking slowly? Why do you people fucking wait until fucking rush hour to buy a fucking ticket?” – Liam moans about the state of the British Railways.
August 2006
“Yes, that is a giant wang she has grown from her clit and yes, she does start raping her butch teacher.” – This is the primary reason NEVER to watch La Blue Girl.
“PLEASE FUCKING STOP FOR THE FUCKING LOVE OF FUCKING GOD” – Liam offers career advice to Paul McCartney
“In fact I’ll put it all in a baseball analogy. It’s the bottom of the ninth inning as I step to the plate. There’s already two outs, I’m down 0-2 on strikes, no runners on base and Women-kind have a 5 run lead as the closer sends the baseball my way. Even if I hit the fucking thing out of the park, it’s not going to matter one way or the other so this could be the end. Permanent single life here I come! ” – Oh Liam , you are such a liar!
“The Irish one in Girls Aloud was caught in the arms of another man (and by the look in her eyes, if someone looked at me in that way I would need to clean up a severe mess in the underpants aisle). ” – Liam can do nothing but tell the truth.
“Admittedly, I had these same thoughts when I split up with my last girlfriend and they lasted about a year when I realised that there was a woman-shaped hole in my life. Now though, I really don’t care anymore so that can only be counted as a good thing. ” – I never knew how much Liam moaned about being single!
“Then he came on stage and all hell broke loose. For twenty five minutes carnage ensued as anything which was bolted to the ground ended up flying through the air towards the stage. Mud, bottles, garden furniture, anything. The crowd scared me shitless, looking as they did like the victims infected with rage in ‘28 Days Later’. But fucking hell, it was a hell of a show.” – Liam recounts the Battle Of Reading.
September 2006
“I was drunk. Very drunk. I won’t do it again.” – Liam remembers what he did last summer.
“I don’t know about you, but I think that Jigga may be seeing his missus taking over the universe and deciding that he wants to make a comeback.” – Liam predicts Jay-Z’s comeback.
“The Lions finish 6-10, Matt Millen gets a ten year extension top his contract while Mike Martz leaves to become manager of Newcastle United.” – Liam gets the wins wrong, Matt Millen got a five year extension for his futility and Martz will leave soon. Fuck you Matt Millen, and fuck you Fords!
“ THAT’S WHAT YOU CALL PORN????” – Protectobot leader Hotspot asks Liam what you’re all thinking.
“Fuck. Off. And. Die. Painfully. Slowly. And out of sight.” – What has Robbie Williams ever done to Liam?
“Actually contains the line “me love you long time” and still gets airplay on daytime radio. What next, “sucky sucky, five dorrar?”. Also, as the video makes clear, she’s actually thinking of TowerBridge, the thick cunt.” – Joey Sarajevo gives his opinion on Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas.
“This is shaking my very belief system to the core. Things are being thrown off camera, sounds are being heard that aren’t picked up by microphones.” – Decepticon scary dude Devastator states the obvious about Most Haunted.
October 2006
“Actually I’m still drunk, but that’s a whole other story.” – New staffer Claire gets the Straw Donkeys ethos right away.
“Why yes, I do want to be reminded that I am an year closer to retirement, senile dementia and a long painful death from cancer. Thanks a fucking lot you cunts. ” – Liam loves his birthday really.
“Ye Gods! Busted fronted by a chipmunk overdosed on helium. ” – Liam’s still got it.
“Shave it, you look like a cunt! ” – Claire on Killers’ front man Brandon Flowers’ moustache. Well I think so…
“My knees are fucked seven ways from Sunday so if I have to have a sit down in a nightclub, it’s because the pains got so bad that I need a fucking sit down, and not because I’m fucking depressed. ” – This is why Liam doesn’t dance.
“That’s how I’ve been for the past month, everytime I have thought about this album, I swear I’ve nearly wet my pants……. ” - Yeah, I think Claire has boiled down the ethos of this site down.
November 2006
“Radio One’s Top 40 Single Chart Rundown Page has a link to the official Chico website. This little known fact makes Baby Jesus cry. ” – Quote of the decade written by Liam as voted by Claire.
“As the show kicks off I’m informed that Most Haunted is sponsored by Strongbow. There’s a message here people, I think it means "watch this, and you will need a drink” .” – Claire nails Most Haunted in a nut shell
“Had the misfortune to actually hear a bit of this this week and not only does she look like a bad drag queen, she sounds like one too. And for anyone listening, that’s an opinion not a fact. Well, it may be a fact but I ain’t getting close enough to find out. ” – Liam on the horror that is Amy Winehouse.
“Stuart’s dream comes back again and off camera he attempts to rugby tackle Karl ‘Samurai Pizza Ninja Cat Pussy’ Beattie into the same table. Apparently “his eyes went” according to Karl. Where did they go then? Fucking Benidorm? ” – Liam offers his services as a travel agent.
“Are the minging old slappers attempting to start a trend of naming songs after crap evil sidekicks in 80s cartoons? ” – The All Saints comeback cuts no ice with Liam.
“I’ve fallen head over heels in love with Leonardo DiCaprio ” – And Claire falls out of Liam’s good books.
“This album is like a long, comfy marriage, it’s good, safe and reliable, but it ain’t headboard banging stuff. ” – Claire on the Dirty Pretty Things.
“The chance to slaughter innocent Frenchmen and Germans all for your own personal glory ” – Liam finds a game to suit his mental state.
“I’ve got some prime grade A material that makes me want to run out of the office and bash one out as soon as I get home. ” – Yes, Liam is talking about wanking again.
December 2006
“Well she is a lot classier than your usual walking tits and ass Bond girl, the character is far more intelligent than most, and she didn’t drop her knickers within five minutes of meeting Bond. ” – Claire thinks the Bond series has matured somewhat.
“Let me know when it is, and I’ll call in an air-strike so you pathetic cunts can die the painful deaths you fucking deserve.” – Liam still hates Princess Diana.
“We discussed our various evenings, however I was still aware that my pants were still around my knees, discretely hidden under my skirt! ” – Now that’s a night out you’ve all probably been through before, not just FairyMaryMermaid.
“Utter fucking drivel, I will attempt to suffocate myself with a cushion if I happen to hear it again. ” – Looks like I’m not the only cynic, eh Claire?
“I realised that my life’s ambitions may be suppressed with my inability to go down. ” – Liam’s favourite FairyMaryMermaid quote of the year.
“It’s my walk in the rain, its banoffee pie, it’s my Sunday morning lay-in, it’s laughing with your best mate, and it’s better than any sex I have ever had (sad but true). If I could, I would marry this album and have its babies. ” – Claire doesn’t do hyperbole. Oh no.
“I should hopefully have a full compliment of material from our two AWOL writers as well as myself and Claire. ” – Well that worked out well didn’t it Liam ?
“So Lloyd, fuck you. I don't want to know you, I don't even care that you exist. Send a copy of this to all the admins, try and get me banned, I don't fucking care because I have a funny feeling that I'll be around here much longer than you will, you sad, pathetic attention whore. ” – Don’t piss Liam off.
“Midfield dynamo Liam getting “the shite out of his knee” and limping off too things did not look good. ” – No they didn’t. Sprained MCL my arse!
“One of whom you know, and that would be me and the other, you’ll know who she is pretty soon. ” – Very soon, but Liam’s keeping that quiet. For now.