The Year In Our Swear Words – by the Donkeys
It’s been a funny old year for the Donkeys. We’ve almost been closed down due to my own mental breakdowns twice. I’ve had my heart ripped out, shat own, incinerated and smoked. We lost one writer in Joey Sarajevo, but gained two in The Karma Whore and the Fairy Mary Mermaid. But the one constant during the whole year is my non-stop whining that I’m single and rubbish, and so I take it out on whichever poor sucker happens to venture onto this diseased corpse of a website. However, despite all this even my singleness might slowly be changing from single to not. Yes I know that is shocking, but rather than celebrating that I might be getting a life, we are here to celebrate the previous year in our own swear words.
January 2006
“Given they’re breaking up, it would’ve been nice for one of the few girl groups of recent times not to have tarnished the name of commercial pop to have finished on a stronger single than this shoddy, patronising little number.” – Joey Sarajevo incorrectly predicts the Sugababes imminent demise.
“I’ll tell you why not: because said editor’s endorsement of Arctic Monkeys on BBC Radio fuckin’ 4 was the most embarrassing piece of shit-licking grovellery I’ve heard since, well, the NME realised that the Darkness were going to be big and went from slagging them off to pretending that I Believe in a Thing Called Love was lyrically akin to The Smiths in its ambivalence and confusion over sexual desire.” – Joey Sarajevo really likes the editor of the NME.
“Especially since, in trying to think what you could be named after, I’ve suddenly got a mental picture of Dido using one of them ‘discreet’ not-obviously-cock-shaped vibrators whilst thinking about ‘a bit of rough’ and may now never achieve an erection again.” – Joey Sarajevo decrying the dearth of decent rapper names. Obviously.
““So to Friday we go and my work colleagues were discussing their weekend plans, like going down the pub, out clubbing. I was asked and my exact words were:
“Same as every week, beer and TV.”
Jesus Christ you would have fought that I had beaten a 90 year old woman to death before giving her a good skull fucking judging by their reactions. One of my workmates even told me that I can’t live like that and I should be going out more to which I replied:
“I prefer it actually.”” – Liam R tells the world what his life is like.
“So what have we learned? That I’m a fucking fussy fucker for starters, and that I hate going out with a passion. Most drinking establishments are full of tossers and I will never find a girlfriend. And do you know what? I wouldn’t change it for the world.” – Liam R, moaning. Again.
February 2006
“In any case, the bulk of the writing seems to be mine at the moment, so who was I really criticising anyway.” – Joey Sarajevo makes a fateful prediction.
“This is shortlisted as one of the British single contenders at the Brits. How and why? There is no way – NO WAY – that in years to come this tiresome dirge will be listened to by ANYBODY, let alone thought of as one of the defining musical moments of 2005/2006.” – Joey Sarajevo describes Shayne Ward. Remember him? Thought not.
“Kelly Clarkson, whose performance was the aural equivalent of a girl sticking her finger up your arse unexpectedly during sex – against your instinctive better judgement, but exhilarating nonetheless.” – Joey Sarajevo terrifies a nation.
“The easy thing to do would be to pick up a flag or a balaclava, join a mob and feel that glorious sense of achievement that comes from kicking one of the ‘others’ to a bloody pulp.” – Joey Sarajevo ponders the state of the world
March 2006
“Here’s hoping the old bastards revive some of their flagging rock ’n’ roll image by sticking to the letter but not the spirit of the agreement and performing an impromptu encore of ‘(Hey) We Want Some Pussy’ by 2 Live Crew.” – Joey Sarajevo gives The Rolling Stones some career advice
“Apparently the MD needed some home improvements and thought GLC meant "Great Loft Conversions" - he was therefore sadly dismayed to get back two albums of tunes with songs like 'Your Mother's Got A Penis' and 'Your Missus Is a Nutter'.” – Liam R on Goldie Looking Chain getting dropped by their record label.
“There’s nothing wrong with it per say, but I just don’t like chilled summer records IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING WINTER YOU USELESS RECORD LABEL CUNTS.” – Liam R is never happy
“In fact life is so good for me at the moment that I can’t even get back into the angry mindset of a man who had no hope of finding a job and was having a hard time actually sleeping over it.” – Okay, so Liam R lied just a bit.
“On the other hand, it doesn’t make me weep tears of frustration, load up on ammo, and start gunning down random members of the public. Which is a start.” – Joey Sarajevo pulls no punches.
April 2006
“In fact he [Joey Sarajevo] is wrong, as ‘My Humps’ has been scientifically proven to make anyone who listens to it retarded.” – Liam R hones his patented reviewing style.
“I declare that the Irish Government declare war on the crackhead fuckwit and at least create a diplomatic incident over it.” – Liam R has a problem with Pete Doherty managing the Irish Soccer Six side.
“This is perhaps the most fantastic story that I have ever had to cover ever, which could only possibly be topped by James Blunt dying in some bizarre sex act involving a goat, a pneumatic drill, a surfboard and a copy of the Farmer’s Almanac.” – Liam R is obviously talking about something.
“I swear, when I’m dead and some medium tries to contact me I’m going to blow that cocksucker’s head clean off his fucking shoulders.” – Never mind.
May 2006
“Get a fucking haircut. Looks like your mother fucked a monkey” – Liam R channels the spirit of Al Swearengen while reviewing The Kooks.
“Fuck. Off. And. Die. Cunt.” – Liam R and the curse of the X Factor
“I remember when some dance records were genuinely exciting, innovative and *SHOCK FUCKING HORROR* you could actually listen to them in a club and not feel ashamed for dancing like a wanker. No such feelings are forthcoming from this waste of plastic.” – Liam is still getting old.
“Broadcasting pictures of a pair of idiots buried under a foot of earth is not ambitious, broadcasting pictures from an atmosphere chunk of rock hundreds of thousands of miles away is.” – Liam R thinks Most Haunted has a problem with hyperbole.
“Hell no, as I have my blood pressure taken and am escorted to a cubicle before hearing the words that will haunt me until I get really drunk again. “Take your clothes off and put this on.” That sound you heard was dignity exiting stage left, to be replaced by a backless hospital gown.” – this could be why Liam is still single.
June 2006
“So as a woman, was I impressed, will I see him again based on the efforts of Saturday night…” Yeah. Right.
“Fuck that, it’s not flawed it’s got about as much hope as the Titanic did back in the day.” – Liam R on the problems with Urotsukidoji III
“Oh for fuck’s sake, what the fuck do I need more than Keane? Being gassed to death. Probably.” – Liam R says what everyone else is thinking.
“Seriously, if a porn star used the word electromagnet while taking it from a strap-on I would have to marry the woman.” – Tonight, Liam R’s specialist subject is blindingly obvious.
“There is nothing wrong with falling in love with a pornographic playing card. I want a Ghostbusters jumpsuit. Never text while drunk. Especially if you don’t know what you want to ask. Or if you know what you want to ask but are too scared. Or if you know what you want to ask and are too retarded to write it.” – Liam R dishes out life advice.
“Hell, maybe I do give a fuck after all…” – Actually, Liam R doesn’t.
“Is there anything better than walking on the beach at 5am watching the sun come up? Yes, doing it with female company.” – Ah, Liam’s a big old softie.
So that will do for the first half of the year, I’ll post the rest of them next week.