Most Haunted Live: Satan's City - by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore

Night 3: Lucedio Church And Monastery Again

Some of you may remember that during one of the night's of last year's marathon slog through Most Haunted Live that me and the Karma Whore hooked up on MSN and did a running commentary for the evening. Well tonight, we do exactly the same thing but this time I have given over an entire page to it because it's very long.

Liam: would you like a recap?
Claire: er no
Liam: well its on the TV now anyway
Claire: theres two bald people, i may get confuddled
Liam: Brian shepherd has the eyebrows, that's the important thing to remember
Claire: he's the one who claims to talk to dead peoples
Liam: and draw them as well. He's a 'psychic artist'
Claire: or even a psychicmyarse
Liam: LOLZ! And is it me, or does Paul Ross's suit look far too small for him?
Claire: yes! he has been specially sewn in to it
Liam: sorry, i was pissing myself over Yvette's overly dramatic voiceover
Claire: ahhh cath the trolbit is here, hooray
Liam: why are they all standing like that? Who do they think they are? Fucking models? The A-Team?
Claire: they shouldnt put the baldies close to each other, their heads look like an arse
Liam: you can't say that! It's baldist!
Claire: dancing with the devil? i did that once in 1988
Liam: in the pale moonlight?
Claire: nah school disco
Liam: you never went to school? Well you may have, but you probably bunked off to go drinking
Claire: no i didnt, i was a model student! i am offended, who is the weird american guy, and if he's american why is he not fat and wearing sandals?
Liam: not all americans are fat and wear sandals you know! And he is quite obviously Dennis Pennis' psychic brother
Claire: i just thought that!! ooh the psychicmyarse has drawn an aged jack sparrow
Liam: if an aged jack sparrow decided that he wanted to become the leader of a cult of lunatic monks obsessed with boinking young girls for satan
Claire: jack would do that
Liam: suppose so, i'd boink jack for satan
Claire: I'd boink jack for a packet of spangles
Liam: you wouldn't need a reason to boink jack
Claire: i would, there's no point in boinking if your not getting fruit flavoured sweetness
Liam: duly noted
Claire: so Liam, have you sold your soul to the devil? and if you have, what did you get in payment?
Liam: of course I haven't sold my soul to the devil as I would need a soul in the first place.... fuck me, Leslie Smith is looking more and more like some kind of mammal nowadays
Claire: she has gone for the help the aged sex bomb look, i sold my soul to the devil.
Liam: what did you get in payment?
Claire: some snooker balls, toothpaste and a polka dot umberella
Liam: did you make a tank with them like the A-Team would? Because Mr T ain't getting on no spiritual plane foo!
Claire: no, i cleverly used the brolly as a cue, and used toothpaste instead of chalk and played proncess snooker
Liam: does it bear any resemblance to panda pool?
Claire: no, its far more intense
Liam: i challenge you to a game of proncess snooker when I meet you next in the Darkmoon Faire
Claire: ok, and i wager you a packet of spangles and some cheese, i will win.
Liam: i wager... a half full bottle of shower gel, an empty packet of nerds and my Transformers gesalt combinor toy that happens to be Defensor. You shall lose
Claire: doubtful.
Liam: pandas. never. lose
Claire: proncesses always win
Liam: a stalemate it shall be then
Claire: why is Johhnie Fiori not there, was she too heavy for the plane
Liam: no, she ate far too many packets of quavers and as such is stuck somewhere in Battersea, drowning in a sea of soiled bed sheets
Claire: talking dirty no doubt........
Liam: oh yes, pray tell the story of Johnnie Fiore being a dirty slut bag ho!
Claire: she used to do workshops for women teaching them how to talk dirty to their menfolk
Liam: and there you have it, a Straw Donkeys exclusive! And before any readers wonder what the fuck me and the Karma Whore are on about, fuck all has happened so far tonight. Except now Yvette is saying a prayer and someone has texted in saying Leslie is gorgeous. Kev from BL, is that you?
Claire: All listen like good children to Yvee's sermon
Liam: but she's not an ordained priest. It's like Queen reforming with that bum bandit singer that's not Freddie 'Bucktooth' Mercury - you're doing it wrong!
Claire: Well she has a god complex, thats near enough
Liam: you should have heard her singing 'Ave Maria' last night! I could hear dogs howling in pain from Hounslow
Claire: that explains the crack in my window then
Liam: text it in! You might get on the tellybox!
Claire: fuck me gently with a chainsaw, psychicmyarse has a huge big nose
Liam: it's kind of hard to miss really. And I just want to say I am reviewing this in severe pain
Claire: were only 26 minutes in and it hurts already?
Liam: nah. trapped a nerve in my back at work. Can't really use the left side of my body
Claire: another couple of hours of this and you will be numb so you wont feel it. MHL - the best pain relief ever!
Liam: i'm hoping so, but this has been so fucking dull so far. I want to see the devil damnit! I pay my money to fucking Rupert Fucknuts Murdoch, now I want the devil!
Claire: did she just say cream?
Liam: yes, she also said 'they are coming all over' yesterday
Claire: MHL from semens city folks...

Liam: Claire!
Claire: What?
Liam: exactly
Claire: o keefe has the scarf... so Vanda can plagurise my scarf gag for her next review *cough*
Liam: You know Vanda was Jon Donnis, right?
Claire: hence the *cough* but apparently only at weekends
Liam: well, it takes all folks to do that at dawn...
Claire: Oh the things i could say.........
Liam: well, may as well say them. What are they going to do, really?
Claire: No, i cant, it's only rumours, and besides, best not upset the internet legend, i may get googled
Liam: not the infamous Bad Psychics googling?!!1!11!!eleventy!
Claire: back on topic.... is paul ross wearing a man corset? discuss...
Liam: he does look slightly.... 'plumper' up top
Claire: maybe he has a wonder bra for his moobs
Liam: share with the clegger?
Claire: there's too much baldness, the glare is forcing me to wear sunglasses indoors
Liam: that's not cool. ever.
Claire: i know. I keep walking into stuff
Liam: well turn some lights on then!
Claire: cant see the fucking switches
Liam: it's a catch 22!
Claire: Leslie Smith looks like a two bit whore
Liam: two bit MAN whore
Claire: i bet her and Ross are never on screen at the same time... coincedence?
Liam: erm... they're standing right next to each other
Claire: aha, but did you see them in the same shot?
Liam: yes... when they cut back from the break...
Claire: damnit
Liam: now her and Cleggy I have never seen in the same shot. Indeed, the interactive hub was empty when they cut back
Claire: cleggy was having his glare reduced with make up
Liam: there is no amount of industrial make up that could take the glare away from that combination of balding dome and fake tan
Claire: why is psychicmy arse wearing white gloves? does he do mime too?
Liam: they're probably not white
Claire: i want some scary devil action, wheres the phone book.......
Liam: have you been reading some of the texts?
Claire: yeah, they are possibly the best bit!
Liam: i swear psychicmyarse is a bigger drama queen than the thong wearing scouser
Claire: ooh i hope so!
Liam: he is. and an attention whore too.
Claire: well his nose is attracting my attention, its sooooo big
Liam: wait. when it goes quiet he will suddenly become very excited so the camera stays on him
Claire: the translating is getting on my tits
Liam: well they are in Italy, dealing with Italian ghosts...
Claire: so you dont learn a second language in the afterlife? oh bugger
Liam: nope, you're stuck with whatever you learnt in this life. which is why i'm going to unlearn every bit of english before I go to my obviously early death so I don't have some fucknut psychic medium trying to talk to me. I'm dead, leave me alone!
Claire: this is so fucking dull!
Liam: the last two nights were much better
Claire: it will all kick off about eleven thirty
Liam: it bloody better do or I will chop my cock off
Claire: I'll pass you the knife........ hehehe
Liam: nah, get those PIRANHAS to do it. PIRANHAS are going mad! I hope we don't get eaten by.... PIRANHAS! PIRANHAS! PIRANHAS! PIRANHAS!
Claire: WTF????????????
Liam: Someone phoned in and said his PIRANHAS! were swimming on the side of the tank nearest the TV when Most Haunted started
Claire: your fucking kidding? mentalist!
Liam: we're meant to be reviewing this! So pay attention!

Claire: got distracted by an easter egg
Liam: I have one left
Claire: i have bits of egg strewn about and stuck to my jumper
Liam: you're really not civilised are you?
Claire: im SO uncouth
Liam: yeah, you are
Claire: no one ever says, ooh your so couth though do they?
Liam: maybe there is no couth
Claire: oooh were going techno now
Liam: techno! techno! techno! techno!
Claire: no no no no no no no no no no no no theres no limits!
Liam: that was the first song I raved to
Claire: you shouldnt have ever admitted that, now shhh, pay attention and look for the ghosties liam
Liam: i'm looking, but I never see them
Claire: theres a wispa? do they mean the chocolate?
Liam: I hope so, I'm famished
Claire: go get grub, i can narrate!
Liam: nah, kebab takes too long
Claire: get toast
Liam: wear toast
Claire: toast ben affleck?
Liam: YES! The old ones are the best
Claire: Leslie Smith is old...
Liam: true! But have you noticed they are not asking for astrual beeings anymore?
Claire: or menstrual women
Liam: you HAD to lower the tone didn't you!
Claire: Can i just quote Leslie ... "Its getting worse" no shit sherlock
Liam: did I hear they were making human milkshakes on an altar?
Claire: Crusha cats are evil......
Liam: they are not
Claire: i disagree
Liam: i disagreewith your disagreement
Claire: awkward sod
Liam: that's me
Claire: i haz maltesers
Liam: i haz... nothing
Claire: Ok, the stone throwing/possesion shit better start soon
Liam: nah, still 20 minutes yet
Claire: Paul Ross has no neck, just much "chin"
Liam: he also has the ability to make more of what he's presenting
Claire: Yes, he is presenting shit as..........shit!
Liam: i'm so bored right now
Claire: someone just text in that they keep seeing orbs around Yvee, one word.... dandruff
Liam: i can beat that: "I sense the name Shnoz. Does that help Brian?"
Claire: text it in!!
Liam: someone already has!
Claire: NO!
Liam: yes!
Claire: Fucking brilliant!
Liam: there I was saying how boring it was and BAM! That comes out of nowhere
Claire: And here come the stones
Liam: well that first one did seem to come out of nowhere
Claire: you think?
Liam: the one yvette lobbed and it came right back
Claire: elastic?
Liam: DOINK!
Claire: I want her to get hit in the face
Liam: not catch fire?
Claire: ooh id pay to see that!
Liam: but only a one time show
Claire: go out with a bang
Liam: fireworks up the arse
Claire: are there fireworks big enough?
Liam: well just put more in
Claire: its like a black hole, if you get sucked in.....
Liam: you will be squished in a quantum singularity and reduced to the size of an atom. I have done physics!
Claire: I thought you said psychics not pysics!
Liam: LOLZ! Now im going for a smoke. Could you please provide a summary of the evening's entertainments thus far while I am away? I would be awfully greatful!
Claire: oh alright then
Liam: thanks you muchly, see you in a bit
Claire: are you sensing my enthusiasm out there people? il do a little recap for you. Nothing has happened, just some stone throwing, and wearing of puffa jackets, all hail the puffa....
Claire: Im so bored im contemplating eating my own arm, and liam has buggered off
Claire: Can i sue Antix for being bored shitless?

Liam: no you can't
Claire: why not?
Liam: well, I don't think they'd take it that seriously
Claire: dpravity! fornicating! now were talking!
Liam: don't forget Yvette talking about an almighty bang and almost losing her trousers
Claire: was it a cillit bang?
Liam: no, Barry Scott is currently imprisoned under my bed
Claire: thats perverse!
Liam: no its not. every time I do some cleaning he shouts "BANG! And the dirt is gone" for effect. It's great!
Claire: ah stu IS there then
Liam: psychicmyarse really is a poor man's Degsy
Claire: this is seriously giving me the hump!
Liam: why?
Claire: Cos its not even funny anymore, its just fucking shite!
Liam: this is hilarious though!
Claire: pmsl, cath looks so fucking confused! and fat..........
Liam: and ugly....
Claire: i LOVE caths scared face, its fab
Liam: Karl's going....
Claire: die motherfucker!!!!!!!!
Liam: LANGUAGE!
Claire: Oh shut up!
Liam: look at Stu gently stroking Karl's chest. They is definitely bum lovers. They were spooning together in the crypt on night one
Claire: crypt spooning! confessions of a dirty girl coming soon on living tv...
Liam: don't make me laugh, it hurts my neck when i do
Claire: no no no no no no no no no no no no theres no ghosties!
Liam: say it aint so!
Claire: Need caffeine, you can recap during the ads
Liam: will do
Liam: so, 105 minutes in and stuff has finally started to happen. Admittedly we only have the crew's word to go on but we'll take it none the less. Need a proper Pendle Hill seance or something like that to really kick things into overdrive
Claire: OR maybe we need the hair bear bunch?
Liam: or the care bears
Claire: Nah, hair bear were hardcore, care bears stupid
Liam: maybe some... Transformers?
Claire: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Liam: yes
Claire: how do you ex communicate a monk? take their mobiles off them?
Liam: i believe the process is to remove the idea of them being judged before God and condemning them to hell
Claire: oh i thought it was nokia theft
Liam: bloody nokias
Claire: psychicmyarse is a charmless sod isnt he?
Liam: it's like they shaved Derek's head and removed all the charisma
Claire: someone saw a misty horse behind Ciaran!
Liam: did they shower it with sugarcubes?
Claire: well this is a one trick pony kinda show... boom boom
Liam: well played!
Claire: why thank you!
Liam: nah problemo!
Claire: whipping, hung, leslies holiday destination?
Liam: thanks for that, there goes my chance of sleeping well tonight!
Claire: are you tenting?
Liam: erm... no!

Claire: get the feeling psychicmyarse is making it up as he goes along?
Liam: whatever gives you that idea?
Claire: maybe because psychics are all fibbing?
Liam: possibly... I've never been to one, never been sad or desperate enough to go to one#
Claire: i fucking DATED one!
Liam: you did?
Claire: i did indeed
Liam: so I guess he saw you dumping him coming then?
Claire: er no, but in my defense he only started the psychic shit once id started dating him, otherwise i would never have dated him
Liam: so you made him a psychic?
Claire: no! he just decided to tell me after i started going out with him
Liam: i could go on about this all night you realise?
Claire: i dont care
Liam: okay then.....
Claire: go on then
Liam: well i thought that was an inference to stop
Claire: dont use big words, im thick
Liam: i thought that you saying "i don't care" was you telling me to shut the fuck up and look at Leslie's trout lips
Claire: oh shes taken her knickers off then......
Liam: That is.... so... rotten....
Claire: corpses, writhing and pain. nice weekend was had by all then
Liam: sounds like a weekend out in Essex
Claire: or a sale in Next
Liam: or a certain internet message board...
Claire: nah, that would be ego's, back slapping and self importance
Liam: my mistake! I am a big looser after all
Claire: doors closing, oh the wonder of the paranormal
Liam: they need something big to happen tonight to maintain interest for the weekend outside of the normal idiots that watch this
Claire: seance time, love it - not
Liam: its the big metal bowl!
Claire: bowl banging
Liam: listen to Karl and Stuart giving it the big up. I hope the get genital herpes
Claire: bring on the evil!
Liam: this is so, so, so unbelievably stupid it's brilliant
Claire: oh stu is so hard, karl is a twat
Liam: they really piss me off when they do this shit. As I said last time, if this stuff IS real, then this isn't the best thing to do. And if it's not, it's still fucking disrespectful
Claire: but hey, they look like twats doing it!
Liam: twats that deserve a good, old-fashioned cock punching
Claire: someone text in that the spirits are drawn to cath cos they think she's a child, yes, a slightly overweight 14 yr old
Liam: and any child that looked like that would have been locked in the basement and left to eat fish heads
Claire: brians getting squashed, and not by cath!
Liam: we NEED a possession
Claire: we need our bloody heads examined for watching this shite!
Liam: true, and Leslie is talking to her... 'breasts'
Claire: why is she going on about the spanish inquisition? i feel a monty python moment coming on
Liam: the inquisition weren't spanish dear
Claire: oh whatever
Liam: when you've played as much Medieval Total War as I have, you get to know these things
Claire: gork
Liam: PANDAgork (on the Turalyon realm on World Of Warcraft players!)
Claire: oh dear god..........
Liam: what?
Claire: you! gorkiness!
Liam: what about my gorkinesas
Claire: its overwhelming
Liam: is it alluring though?
Claire: baffling

Liam: I am a baffling panda gork
Claire: im a brain dead proncess, this is dire!
Liam: well I have been entertained
Claire: you have?? how???
Liam: because I have long since disengaged the part of my brain that equates Most Haunted with serious paranormal investigation
Claire: theyhave taken my brain, and killed it, no mercy shown whatsover, i shall sue!
Liam: I know a solicitor
Claire: lift the table above their heads, i wont count on that happening
Liam: but lets just say it did with them not touching it
Claire: wires
Liam: and there were no wires at all
Claire: anti gravity boots
Liam: be serious for just a second!
Claire: i cannot believe what stu just bloody said!
Liam: which was?
Claire: strangle cath!
Liam: well, they obviously don't care anymore
Claire: but teliling them to hurt cath, that is scraoing the bottom of the barrel
Liam: and yet more bullying, and as long as Yvette, Carl and Fester are still there everything will be peachy
Claire: its a bit sick
Liam: of course it is. You remember what they did to David Wells last time out
Claire: now cath appears to bechoking
Liam: it is dusty in there
Claire: either that or she is in on the whole gaga
Liam: and here we go with the big finale
Claire: i really really wanted her to throw up!
Liam: she just did!
Claire: yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! live puking! can this show get any lower?
Liam: it just did with Karl asking to give the girl some dignity!
Claire: ffs!
Liam: now aren't you glad you watched this?
Claire: now im just angry, they really really wont stop at anything will they?
Liam: but they have just done what they needed to do to keep the audience over the weekend
Claire: exactly! its so bloody scripted
Liam: and I would bet both my testicles that absolutely nothing will happen tomorrow
Claire: ok your on!
Liam: bollocks...
Claire: or not as the case may be
Liam: BOOM! BOOM! And so much for Karl's plea for dignity as they replay the puking
Claire: exactly!
Liam: but still peversely entertaining
Claire: thats exactly what i was thinking, i want more puking!
Liam: because I don't see how crushing a windpipe would cause mass vomiting
Claire: i want yvette to slip on the puke and get it smeared on her face
Liam: or she could puke
Claire: on stu's head
Liam: no need for a toupee then, he could leave it there and let it collect dust
Claire: ewwww thats bloody gross!
Liam: but funny
Claire: oh yes!
Liam: because I am a funny panda
Claire: this brian is a drama queen isnt he?
Liam: more than Degsy, but Degsy had charisma by the bucketload. Psychicmyarse, not so much
Claire: god he is crap!
Liam: i told you he was a poor man's Degsy
Claire: he isnt fit to sniff degsys man thong
Liam: no-one is
Claire: shall we sum this up?
Liam: may as well, you have to be up for work in the morning
Claire: true, il let you do it! i think i can do it in one word...
Liam: shite?
Claire: i was thinking BOLLOCKS actually!
Liam: well that will do it for tonight then
Claire: no, hang on, its tired, its nasty, its worse than any reality tv show, these people are not proffesional, they are not entertaining and they are plain stupid to think people believe this shite.
Liam: anything else?
Claire: Everytime i think they cant get any lower they manage too. The only way this will ever end is when they go to far, which they will because they are led by their ego's and their ratings, sick sick sick fuckers.
Liam: how far is too far though?
Claire: I can honestly see someone getting really hurt. I thought the stone throwing, possesion madness was bad enough, but then we had them cutting themselves purely for entertainment, now they are puking, whats next? actuall serious injury? Death? They have no limits.
Liam: well i can't possibly follow that up!
Claire: Then this is the Karmawhore sighning off, feeling quite disturbed and mildly angry. I hope Yvette Fielding gets some karma come her way, and it wont be good karma either, and i DO hope Cath is ok, for all her faults (shoddy make up application) she seems kinda led around by these clowns.
Liam: this is Liam doing the same, I'll save my judgement til the end but I think it's going to be along the same lines
Claire: then il say goodnite panda xxxxxxxxx
Liam: thanks for that hun, muchos appreciatos! Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Continued