Most Haunted Live: Satan's City - by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore
Fuck it, I’ve always wanted to say that and until now I have never had the opportunity to do so there we are. But in terms of Most Haunted, it’s been a long, long, long five months since we left the team somewhere in the country in hope of conjuring the devil or some such bollocks and so exactly what the fuck has happened? The major change was obviously that medium David Wells left the show after a few series as main medium. Did he quit before he was fired, another sacrifice in the fire of Antix Productions never-ending quest to keep the spotlight firmly on the select few? Who knows, but what I do know is that if I was treated as shoddily as he was last time they went live, I would have walked away too.
Still, the immediate aftermath of David Well’s departure wasn’t felt straight away as Antix were stalling over starting a new series of the main series, a first for them as usually they start one series about two months after the last one but this time around the gap was nearly a year. Yes, we’re still kind of glossing over Midsummer Murders as let’s be honest, that was a big a bag of bollocks you were ever going to have the misfortune of coming across when channel hopping. However, as the series has started we seem to be having a rotating platoon of mediums which is probably a good idea so we won’t get sick of the same ones saying the same bollocks, while also giving Antix a chance to not let the mediums get as popular with the audience as say a Derek Acorah or David Wells. Me, spouting conspiracy theories? Never!
And so onto this past weekend’s shenanigans, and coming hot on the heels of last Halloween’s frankly ludicrous theme of drawing a pentagram across the country, Antix very cleverly decided to send the show abroad to… Turin , Satan’s City. Yes, I know what you’re wondering and YES it does get a mention at some point. Also aside from the removal of David Wells and a few changes in filming personnel, the core of the investigative team (snigger) hasn’t changed so without any further ado and with my swearing vocabulary warmed up, let’s blow this pop stand and review some extremely bad television. On with the show!
Night One: San Pietro In Vincoli
The lunacy starts in a church whose name translates as St Peter In Chains, and right away the power of suggestion is running wild. We are introduced to our medium for the next five nights in the form of Brian Shepherd, who some viewers will be aware of as being a guest psychic artist on previous shows. This immediately pays dividends as Julian Clegg in the interactive hub (cruelly outside in Italy along with Leslie Smith’s history corner) doesn’t need to show the incredibly poor home made version the nutters that love this show send in. At the church, Yvette does some sort of protection ritual which only she, Brian and Cath Howe partake in, and it goes without saying that the incredibly tough duo of producer Karl and, well I’m not actually sure what the fuck he does but, Stuart don’t partake in. Do these idiots ever learn? Of course fucking not! Brian’s first piece of information involves him making noises like a particularly excitable sheep before coughing up the name Barbara. Very Italian that.
At the twenty three minute mark, I have it noted down that we had an apparent possession but it was just Brian being dramatic, a tendency which will only get worse as the show goes on. Meanwhile back in the studio we have ANOTHER medium in the form of Patrick Matthews, who is American and looks like a bug-eyed Dennis Pennis. Seriously, I thought David Bull had a bad case of ‘jazz eyes’ but Matthews really outshines the very orange former presenter of this tedium. We start hearing the usual bangs and taps, well at least the crew does because I can’t hear a fucking thing, and Brian tells us there is a spirit who is pure evil. It is Satan’s City after all! More details emerge as this man of pure evil dabbled in the black arts and witchcraft, while Barbara seems to have slipped off of Brian’s radar.
It’s usually half way through that Julian Clegg tells us that people’s pets have started going crazy or their toaster has started singing Christmas carols, and this time is no exception with plenty of growling dogs. Back in the church and Yvette is hit on the head by balls but how the got there or their purpose I have no idea. Some books start flying off the shelves including one called ‘The Devils’. How apt! How scary! How utterly predictable and contrived! Leslie Smith finally reveals her use as she asks Yvette to mention Abraxis of the 365 which sounds like a rank and file Decepticon to me. Leslie also says something about the magical number seven as she well and truly gets into the spirit and actually makes the whole show watchable, and not because of her every changing hair styles.
More phenomena occurs as Cath suddenly claims she can taste blood, but the reason for that is probably because Yvette elbowed her off-screen so she wouldn’t deflect from her screen time. Leslie tops her asking about Abraxis by telling Yvette to say “sator ariple opera rotas” which I have no idea what it means but I can guess that if there was an justice in the world it would translate as “fat arsed attention whore”. Bored by a lack of stuff happening, Yvette decides to conduct a séance but with a twist. Firstly she hits a metal bowl with a pestle and rolls said pestle around the outside, for what reason I have no idea but it’s fucking irritating. Fielding then tops that by engaging in a very long “ OM ” chant, again the purpose of which is lost on me. Leslie tops herself even further by getting Fielding to ask the spirits present if “they kiss the devil’s arse”. Brian, starting to feel a bit neglected after butting in every moment of silence in the previous two hours by getting exceptionally excited and making sure the spotlight is on him, decides that now will be the time to get possessed. It’s not a good one either.
We leave our team with Ninja Karl and Useless Stuart spooning (their words, not fucking mine) in the crypt for what reason I fail to see. Still, it was a fairly eventful night which wasn’t boring. Completely bereft of actual paranormal investigation and legitimate phenomena but it was moderately entertaining start. Will the show get better? Tune in tomorrow! Or just start reading the line below.
Night Two: Lucedio Church And Monastery
Our second night of five is written up (partially) on the stationary 8:23am service from Windsor and Eton Riverside to London Waterloo on a wet Tuesday morning leaving me the conclusion that my handwriting sucks donkey balls while also facing the rather larger issue that my notes on the second night leave a lot to be desired. Still Paul Ross and Yvette (in menacing voice over mode) do their best to set the mood by telling the story of the mad monks who turned to Satan. Really. There's also the story of the young girls of the village dancing for Satan and fucking the monks for Satan. Yes. Really.
As if to really hammer home the plot, Karl and Stuart do an early recon in the nearby cemetery, leaving Super Stu to the conclusion that the noises they heard were the work of dossers or tramps (his words, not mine) or bears. Wait, I think my notes are fucked. Bears? No, it definitely says bears. Bugger me! Bears! To further set the mood, Yvette decides to sing 'Ave Maria' (one of the more beautiful hymns it has to be said) after which a poor deluded viewer comments that Yvette has a lovely singing voice. No, she doesn't. Even more deluded nutbags text in telling the team to 'stay safe', which not only defeats the point of the show for people who take sadistic phone in watching this drivel but means the cash keeps coming in, leading to Living TV to commission another series so you texting lunatics have no-one but yourselves to blame for this mess. On the other hand, Most Haunted gives me a never-ending stream of crap to write about so keep on texting in.
Onto the meat of the investigation we go and we are immediately bombarded with all sorts of activity like lights flashing off camera and dogs barking off camera. This time though the team actually do their job, get the cameras off Yvette and company and point them in the direction of the supposed lights. Nothing is seen, naturally, but it's a fucking start. Brian or someone insane texting in claims that there a black dogs roaming the area, and bear this in mind for a little later on. Brian also picks up on four spirits who were so non-descript that I don't even note down whether they were evil or not. Karl and Stuart in the meantime keep going through their hardman act trying to provoke a reaction from the spirits. Here's an idea you fuck brained morons, try and be nice to them for a change! Brian continues his supposed psychic guff by proclaiming that there are dead people sitting around a people for no earthly idea. Luckily Leslie Smith comes to the rescue by saying that that was how it was done if no embalming establishments were nearby. So, who says Most Haunted isn't educational?
After a whole while of nothing, Cath claims to have seen something under a table before Yvette freaks the fuck out at something she sees in a window that looks like a dog. Turns out, it is an actual real life dog, prompting much hilarity from everyone at home. With nothing of note still happening, Yvette decides to start chanting to get the energy going, and is repaid by getting rocks pelted at the team. Bless. With not a lot still happening, they go back to the bowl séance where Yvette recites the Lord's Prayer in Latin and still not a lot happens. Now I can't be sure about what it was, but my last note says "something… happened" but it couldn't have been that memorable as I haven't written it down. Still, there's always the next night.