Most Haunted Live: Halloween 2007 - by Liam R and Claire The Karma Whore

[Editors note - 25. Load of bollocks]

I fully realise that it has been a very, very long time since I did a Most Haunted Live review. Indeed a trawl back through my archives suggests that this review is the first since last year's Halloween one, and even a read back of that gives me no clues as to where that one was actually broadcast from. Scratch that, it was Edinburgh . Anyway, a quick browse of Wikipedia, you know, the most reliable source of information on teh interwebnetsuperhighway, leads me to believe that there have been two live specials since and you may be wondering why I didn't review them. The first, in Transylvania , well, something came up afterwards and I wasn't in any state to write it up. And what I had written was complete bilge anyway. The second one in May… fuck me, I had no idea it was on! Seriously, it completely escaped my attention and why was that? Interesting you should ask…

For a few years now I have been banging on that Most Haunted had become tired, stale and a parody of itself. Series were running into each other and there seemed to be no break between having it on our screens. As anyone involved with any long running TV show from soaps to wrestling will tell you, if you keep churning out the same crap week after week, you will eventually turn people off from what you are producing. The last proper series of Most Haunted became such a parody you could literally set your watch by when certain supposed paranormal events were to happen. So the brains at Antix (if they exist) went away and gave us 'Midsummer Murders' where the team would be given certain unspoken objectives to fulfil, usually solving a murder in the past. Now this in itself is a great idea but after a couple of weeks it dissolved into the same old crap that we've had to live with since 2005. It was almost like putting a new set of wheels on a clapped out car: it looks good for a few days, but you're still driving a piece of crap.

Separated at birth?

A troll

Cath Howe

Of course, I could very easily go into exactly what Antix needs to do to regain the masses of lost credibility, but that would make my upcoming article titled 'The Rise And Fall Of Most Haunted' pretty pointless. So instead, I have gone back to my bread and butter, with some able assistance from the Karma Whore, and decided to give the latest Most Haunted Live a go. After all, it can't be that terrible…. Can it?

Night One - "Wheler" Priory

Why is the venue's name in quotations? Just wait, it shall all become clear. I would also be remiss to state that I watched a few seconds of Access All Areas (a pre-game show for the main broadcast) and was… I don't think I have the words to describe what I saw in the two or so minutes I watched it. Firstly, some of the cast of horrifically bad 'soap opera' Hollyoaks were there followed by what suspiciously like Leslie Smith, in full pirate gear sword fighting. Ye Gods whose idea was that? The second bit came near the end when Yvette stated that the show had only just scratched the surface of places they wish to visit? My God, the show has become the televisual equivalent of a fucking cockroach! It will not die!

Well sod the fluff we finally arrive at the main show and get the usual 20 minutes of inane drivel from Paul Ross introducing various people and the theme for the next five nights. Someone in their infinite wisdom thought that with Halloween coming up the team should investigate five locations which would make an inverted pentagram, or the sign of the devil. Ross also states, without laughing either, that the inverted pentagram is such a sign of evil as it resembles a goat. Yes, those fucking spawns of Satan we call goats. This nugget is revealed a scant 75 seconds in to the show and already I am thinking this is definitely not one of my better ideas. And as for whoever did Leslie Smith's hair and make-up I say "thank you" for giving me some serious MEGALOLZ!

Yvette says that the night before they did an investigation in a wine bar and got all sorts of phenomena like jumping tables. Why they decided to do an investigation in a wine bar of all places is beyond me. It is also noted that David Wells is worried, as he has been on every single fucking episode he has featured on. But then again when you look like him, are in the middle of nowhere and with no easy source of cheeseburgers you'd be worried too. Also, the big psychic experiment this evening involves what is in a cauldron. A FUCKING CAULDRON CLEGGY? Your fucking ears will be in the fucking thing if you don't stop being such a shilling whore! Fuck me, I'd forgotten how angry this show can make me.

To the investigation we begin and Wells immediately says his ears have gone odd, he feels sick and also teary. If I had to share a night in a dark place with… fuck it, you lot can finish that gag off yourselves. We also see Ciaran O'Keeffe's fantastic utility belt which is full of gizmos and gadgets which will not be used tonight. Our next stop in the cavalcade of crapness involves the team doing a ouija board, but not a normal one, oh no! You see, they have put photos of the crew around the board and are using the energies of spirit to choose which crew member will go off on their own for a solo vigil. You don't need me to tell you that the poor bugger chosen is Stuart. In amongst that nonsense a spirit called Henry is present, who Leslie 'Crack Historian, Cack Historian or Historian On Crack - you decide' Smith declares is none other than Henry The Eighth. Methinks someone has been watching 'The Tudors'.

And now to the first glaring mistake made by the show. About an hour in Paul Ross says that they have changed the name of the building for security reasons. At this exact moment, everyone watching this programme with the contempt it deserves probably thought exactly the same thing: "they've changed the name so no-one can check on what they find". So with 14 hours of this bollocks to go, they have proved that this is pretty much all a charade, but if they are going to go that way why don't they just go over the top with it?

Our next phenomena are the noises of dogs whining and growling but with Cath and Yvette present I'll spare them the obvious gags at their expense. As we get deeper in the Yorkshire Mystery House we get something that can be brought up as 'possible' (as in if it was anyone else it would be) evidence of spirit when a door slams shut and locks itself. But this is Most Haunted so what could be possible evidence is thrown out the window. It should also be noted the O'Keeffe is doing his best to be as objective, rational and scientific as possible, but is having a hard time getting past every other crew members insistence that everything must be paranormal.

Separated at birth 2?

A goat

Leslie Smith

We keep going, and we see some toys set up as trigger objects including those cool wooden train sets they used to have in the front of the Early Learning Centre. These are all placed to bring forth the spirit of a girl with a 'skeletal face' according to Wells. Quite. Yvette then has her microphone ripped off which I am convinced is paranormal as no sensible man would ever go near her backside. Also the floor is apparently vibrating to such a degree that it makes Cath Howe jump. No, those two events couldn't possibly be connected. And back from his lone vigil comes Stuart who claims he heard a voice say "Die". Yup, if you guessed that all this happened to build up to the final hour, have a cookie!

Yvette and Cath are told to go to the cellar and "do it for the ladies", a horrific visual in of itself until the Karma Whore mentions scissoring at which point I have to suppress my own gag reflex. Our big event of the night concerns an exploding window which blows up out of view of a camera, and then we go to a séance where Ciaran has to speak French to make the spirits understand. While all this is going on, not a lot else happens until Cleggy claims that over 17,000 texts have been received at 50p a pop. So that's nearly £9,000 the gullible people that watch this tripe have given Antix, and we didn’t even get a mention of a bucket…

Night Two: Sunday Bloody Sunday………. (by The Karma Whore)

“I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do this”

I’ve just clicked my ruby slippers together three times and sweet fuck all has happened. So it looks like Im resigned to my fate, and am going to have to confront the evil witch head on, along with her poxy flying monkeys. And having sat through the TV genius that is top gear, the only way this can go is down. And not in a good way either. No sucky sucky five dollars for the Karmawhore tonight, more sucky sucky silly faking fuckers……I don’t even know where they are, and let’s be honest, it really makes no bloody difference, as long as there are light bulbs, pebbles and rocks, there will be activity. I do know that they are no where near me, if they were I have no doubt that itch in an unsavoury place would come back with rewengy. We get a shot of a lot of deluded people all in the same place, no it’s not your local Iceland store, it’s the defective gene pool that makes up the MHL audience. I love wild clapping; it makes them all look like they have escaped from somewhere, tonight there a lot of villages without their idiots let me tell you. And I believe their leader is called Cleggy.

Paul Ross waffles on about a pentagram, and goats, for all I know he is describing his weekend; my mind is wandering all ready. The team/gang/twats are at the Leopard Inn, which has loads of secret rooms. Now having seen pictures of the Leopard Inns secret rooms, I have to say it looks like a great place to do an investigation. So I suggest a proper, honest paranormal group get in there pronto……Ciaron “the scarf” O’Keefe is talking about “environmental variables” I’m guessing he really means “emotional hysterics” which no doubt will be forthcoming from the wicked witch and her make up troll at some point this evening. I want a make up troll; I had a surf troll with a surfboard and shorts on, with wild pink hair. Make up troll looks like it could be fun, there’s plenty of it, so I could melt it, draw on it, bury it. And best of all it comes with free make-up/crayons.  It’s a must have item.

Leslie Smith's probable day job

Leslie Smith is introduced as the historian (that still stings a bit for me so Felix must feel like his balls have been trod on by a pair of six inch stiletto’s) which is ironic, as Leslie looks like the sort of woman who at some point in her life has been paid to do exactly that. Cleggy and his radar ears show us where the web cams are, and quite bizarrely we see Karl “setting up” as Cleggy puts it. But all he was doing was wobbling a table…. I’m not joking!!

We join Yvee Ciaron and the great Wells on a waddle about, Wells looks about as happy as a man who has woken to find a cheeky girl in his bed after a pub crawl. Someone give the man a pastry. Yvee asks Ciaron why pubs are always haunted, Ciaron comes back with what every Skeppie would say which is the too much to drink theory. Which of course she dismisses. The other theory given is from Leslie, who does what she is supposed to do and waffles on about the history that pubs have. And informs us docile suckers that “things happen in them”. No shit! I fell of a table once in a pub, lost my memory once/several times in a pub and ran through a bar with a pair of man's shorts in my hand. So in theory, in 100 years time, my finest moments will be replayed to mediums enjoying a quick pint?? Excellent, I can now die a happy bunny.

Anyways at this point I wander off to get coffee (no red wine tonight, work tomorrow, fuck!) And what happens, Yvee gets a tankard thrown at her. Unfortunately it misses, so the *cough* spirit tries a beer mat?!?!? What was it thinking? “Oh pewter didn’t work so I’ll try a small square of cardboard?” “Where are they coming from?” gasps our slightly spooked presenter? “OOOH OOOH I KNOW!!” I shout, sticking my hand up in the air, “Stu’s pants?” David Wells calls out to the spirit, and asks why he did that “Was it money? Was it love?” he asks, not sure myself but I’d put money on it being something to do with Yvee and her questionable hair/face/personality……

More wanderings around the secret rooms and Wells can feel a “rise and fall”. Jeez, hope he’s not feeling to unsteady, something that size toppling over could cause a crater the size of Anne Widdicombe. They decide on a séance, and David does the whole white light shenanigans (not to be confused with white lightning cider shenanigans) which apparently has to go through your third eye, now I’m not a chap, but that’s got to hurt a bit?? I do keep getting distracted by the on – screen texts tonight, I’m hoping one of the Black Labyrinth Vixens gets one up about a bucket…

During the séance the glass keeps getting pushed towards Cath (part hobbit part troll, trobit if you like) Yvee asks if it’s because the spirit finds Cath attractive… Well you would HAVE to be dead wouldn’t you?? Ciaron starts waving about a pack of ESP cards, no idea why, maybe he is going to do some magic? But no, it looks like they are playing a game of pairs, but they are actually choosing who gets to go in a spooky room on their own, exciting stuff. I’m gripped, and the only reason I can tear my eyes away from the screen is because I can smell Hobnobs. Surprise surprise (the unexpected hits you between the eyes, so stay away from Danger Stu and his pebbles of pain) It’s Karl, David fears for him and doesn’t want him to do it, Ciaron wants him to do it. Spot the sadist anyone?? But have no fear Karl, Stu claims “Just call if you need me and I’ll be there” with pebbles and fishing wire no doubt, and maybe his favourite Girls Aloud picture... It’s dark, and he may get bored.

Someone gets their own back on Yvette

Like me then?

We go to Ad break no 583 and Cleggy plugs the competition, which only costs a quid to enter. A fucking quid!! If they raise enough cash, they might let Cleggy get his ears pinned back. It’s only ten thirty , but I’m determined to stick it out til at least 11. I’m hardcore. And besides, I have to work tomorrow and I’m only doing this because I was bribed by Liam with chocolate and the new Foo Fighters album. So I couldn’t really say no could I? You should see what I do when he’s brought me lunch.

Another ad break and Ciaron claims the humidity has risen by 10%. Wells has just climbed some stairs, that’s got to be the logical answer surely?? It’s nearly 11 and Yvee has started throwing balls and whistling, and Karl is claiming doors are shutting by themselves. It’s bedtime for the Karmawhore, so I will leave this lot getting up to what I do when I go to bed… fake stuff.

Night Three: Towneley Hall, Burnley

 I swear I thought I saw Richard Felix in the opening credits. Wishful thinking I know and considering the stupidity that spews forth from 'History Corner' tonight I kind of wish he was there. Either that or his mate Dick. Anyway Paul Ross says that due to the configuration of the inverted pentagram we "are tapping in to dark forces" while Yvette's sole comment about last night is that in general "male spirits seem to like Cath". Well I just threw up in my mouth a lot at remembering THAT particular detail.

Anyway, we are live from a stately home in Burnley and already Yevtte is bullshitting about sound. No, that's what my notes say and for the life of me I can't remember exactly what she was referring to. Come to think of it, I'm sure it was some sort of sound based experiment and as the overriding theme of this Live has been whistling and whining it should come as no surprise. Also, the interactive hub manned by Old Jug Ears Clegg has been getting lots of texts telling the team to be careful, possibly from mental patients.

But the big revelation comes when we slip into the more photogenic night vision where David Swells says the two magical words: "Pendle Hill!" Oh for the halcyon days of mass faintings and the like. According to the not-really-famished one, the dark energies remind him of that fateful night in a farm in Lancashire where Most Haunted reached the absolute peak of its powers. As the vigil progresses we get a gang of witches (like Pendle Hill) lead by a very evil one (like Pendle Hill) and to get more information, it's to the séance lab!

Now I don't know about you lot, but a ghost spelling out "U R MINE" is pretty likely as text speak wasn't invented until 1999. Other phrases that come out are "DIE" and the letter M which is of course the 13th letter of the alphabet. You see, this is where Most Haunted has failed ridiculously since Pendle Hill: you set up some vague bullshit about evil and witches and Satanism, make everyone uneasy and then the fear breeds like rabbits. Seriously, this is not rocket science and even though it is absolute fucking bullshit it does make for strangely compelling viewing. The highlight of the séance comes when cameraman Jeff is either dragged off his feet and out of the room by an evil dark witch or just falls over due to boredom. Most sane people would agree with the latter.

Separated at birth 3?

The Most Haunted Team

Some idiot hobbits

It should also be noted that whoever is watching the webcams during this show and texting in saying they are seeing things are quite, quite mental. If they had seen something, then it would be shown would it not? About two hours in, Swells possibly tops even this shows levels of craziness by claiming that he is seeing Vikings. Not quite up there with aliens or rabbits, but close enough to that level of lunacy to make me collapse in hysterics.

We go back to another séance, and they do the 'spirit picking a crew member to go alone' thing and it picks, obviously, Cath to go alone. She refuses point blank and starts crying, so Swells decides to go off alone. Then Stuart starts crying before reverting to type and claiming he feels like throwing the table across the room. Has anyone thought of sending this lunatic to anger management counselling? He ALWAYS wants to throw stuff!

And then we come to the crowning glory, the coup d'etat, the… make up your own superlative. Swells claims that the evil ringleader witch has cloaked herself to hide from him, so Madame Leslie Smith gives Yvette an incantation to make her reveal herself. Yes, we have reached a new high/low for Most Haunted Live as they are now casting spells on live TV. You cannot make any of this shit up, and at this point I simply put my pen down with about 45 minutes to go and laugh, go for a cigarette and sleep. The table they are around goes a bit mental on the first recitation of the spell as is par for the course but still… you'd never get spells with Richard Felix about.

Night Four: Bolsover Castle

Change of tack for night four, as we go for some running diary action.

Richard Felix: Gone, and how do we miss him!

21:01 - I'm sober for night four of this endless twaddle.
21:04 - After a recap, Yvette tells the audience "they sound amazing". The sound of my retching is thankfully covered by the applause of the seals. 21:07 - A long introduction to tonight's venue complete with Pagan Room where if you lie on the floor and say "Sleep No More" you die. This is important later on.
21:10 - Our first walkaround with David Wells. Nothing of note is said.
21:13 - As if to prove how little I care, Swells feels a "strong female presence". No, that would Cath's fragrant knickers.
21:14 - Break time!
21:20 - Back from the break and Leslie gives us the rundown on the spell she used last night, which isn't a spell at all but some sort of book about witches or wizards or horcruxes or some such bollocks. Note to self: TAKE BETTER NOTES!
21:23 - Urgent dispatch from Claire: "Leslie's hair looks nice tonight."
21:24 - I finally stop laughing.
21:26 - I put some socks on as my feet are cold
21:27 - Break time!
21:33 - Swells is complaining of feel dizzy and out of breath, and yes there are some stairs behind him so I'm sure you can do the maths there.
21:35 - Swells picks up on orgies, hedonism, ancient Rome , etc. etc. with a lady presenting herself my flashing a bit of leg. Meh.
21:42 - Karl hears three whines.
21:54 - Back from another break, and Yvette tells us they have caught some interesting phenomena. By this, she means they heard a crew member whistling back to insinuate that a ghost was doing it.
21:58 - Séance Time!
22:01 - I neglected to mention that before starting the séances, Yvette has been twatting a big metal bowl with a big metal dildo which sounds horrible. David says that it's something to do with concentrating the energies, and absolutely nothing to do with driving viewers' pets batshit crazy.
22:20 - Yvette has her first bright idea in years, when she decides to let Leslie ask a question into her earpiece but not saying it aloud, thereby trying to remove the power of suggestion. Of course Yvette still has her finger on the sodding glass so the experiment is useless.
22:23 - Stuart and Karl decide to see if that whole "sleep no more" thing is real. To say Swells isn't happy is an understatement, but still… Stuart's going to die!
22:34 - Stuart and Karl try it.
22:36 - Ciaran O'Keeffe has a go.
22:37 - Swells starts crying like a big girl's blouse.
22:38 - I'm surprised I have got this far without mentioning the absolute idiocy of the text messages that are sent in to the studio during Most Haunted Live shows. They usually follow the vain of "I can see a (dark shadow/evil spirit/man/woman) following (crew member)", "(crew member) should be careful tonight", "I can see (man/woman/child/animal/shape) on (webcam number)" or "this is scary/the crew are so brave". Seriously people, are you all fucking insane or on drugs or both?
22:43 - How far has Christian Slater fallen when he's doing voiceovers for WH Smiths?
22:50 - Yvette is worried about Cath as she is apparently pissed. In a spiritual sense of course.
22:55 - Karl and Stuart fall down some stairs and swear a lot. Blame spirits.
23:11 - Séance time again!
23:15 - Possible phenomena as Ciaran's digital dictaphone speeds up for no apparent reason. Hey, I said "possible".
23:24 - Having got so fed up with Most Haunted I decide to watch some porn.
23:25 - All done!
23:40 - After three nights, two hours and forty minues, we have our first thrown stone of the show. I was beginning to wonder if they had forgotten about that.
23:52 - Interactive round-up with Cleggy, historical round-up from Leslie Smith
23:58 - And we're done for the night. Oh they're such fucking teases! After last night I was expecting so much more from them. Still, one night to go to redeem themselves.

Night Five: Plas Teg

Bit of a different tact for the final night, as I dial up the karma whore on MSN and chat about the night's proceedings. I may interject with various timings so you know where we are but this all starts at 9:30 pm.

Liam: right. Leslie smith dressed like a 30s hooker - would you eat from her bushy plate?
Claire: No, and she looks like a reject from the Madonna look-alike competition that was held at Butlins in 1984
Liam: I thought I looked good in my pointy bra!
Claire: you did! Leslie just looks like mutton though
Liam: mutton is not that terrifying
Claire: not as terrifying as Cleggy ""hey you guyyyys!!"
Liam: do you think he receives satellite through his ears and uses his manboobs to change the channel?
Claire: His mantitties are impressive, do you reckon him and Wells have "booboffs" where they compete for the title of most wobbly??
Liam: i've just spat beer all over my keyboard! You're evil
Claire: Not evil. Just female, more fucking ads!!!!
Liam: they did a quick run between the first and second breaks yesterday
Claire: what like a jog?
Liam: have you seen the size of the crew? Think they have ever excerised?
Claire: They can't exorcise so I doubt exercise happens, unless you taking into consideration the amount of times they walk to the cake shop
Liam: Ever think we might be too bitchy?
Claire: Its fair game, if you're putting your face on TV, then you have to take the bad with the good, and since a camera is meant to add 10lbs you would think they would bear that in mind
Liam: True
Claire: and if I may quote the character Chandler from friends "How many cameras were on you?"
Liam: that's just vindictive!
Claire: I speak as I find hun
Liam: I had noticed. Now all I want from tonight's show is silliness
Claire: I want the emergency services called, either that or the fashion police
Liam: yes, Wells' shirt is both too shiny and too tight
Claire: I just noticed that! Don't know what it is but it's about to bloody burst...
Liam: looks like bacofoil in night vision
Claire: Pigs in bacon?
Liam: mmmmm pigs in bacon! Two great tastes that taste great together
Claire: Ciaron has a rather large shirt collar
Liam: and no scarf! You must be gutted!
Claire: This does not bode well, still one less thing for the spirits to strangle yvee with
Liam: well there are still plenty of cables. And look, some pentagrams!
Claire: 'citng!
Liam: I couldn't have put it better myself!
Claire: who would like in a house like this... Wellsy its over to you?
Liam: the devil himself? A goat?
Claire: How is Geoff feeling tonite.....? Footloose?
Liam: The samurai!
Claire: Oh he grips my shit! Smug wanker
Liam: And there's slapnuts Stuart
Claire: Cath does now remind me of a garbage pail kid, creepy Cath
Liam: I hated those cards; they genuinely made me feel sick
Claire: I bloody loved them, and had loads, worth a few quid now apparently
Liam: I saw a slideshow on the internet a few months ago, and I still hated them

If you see these people, run away. Very fast

Claire: well they are asking out, wanna bet who gets slapped/assaulted/deaded first?
Liam: Karl! And look, a light came on its own with Karl right by the switch
Claire: OOH mystical wizarding Karl... Hope it hurts and makes him piss his chinos whatever it is
Liam: poo his chinos, that would be funnier
Claire: why does she always ask the ghosties to do stuff to Karl? Insurance, definitely
Liam: more than likely. And isn't it odd that the 'taps' start when Karl is conveniently off camera....
Claire: and above her on the stairs... yawns
Liam: I want collapsing and glass smashing and camp possessions!
Claire: And Cath to get touched! Don't forget the touching!
Liam: may as well make it a grope. After all, the ghostieeees find her attractive
Claire: so do you!
Liam: only if my eyes were burned out of their sockets
Claire: I can do that
Liam: please don't!
Claire: I won't. They happen to be your best feature, aside from your potty mouth
Liam: my potty mouth? I am indignant!
Claire: I'm hungry
Liam: I have a bed spring up my arse
Claire: Is that a code word for "man?"
Liam: no, its code for 'bed spring'
Claire: I have just eaten a whole pack of stem ginger cookies, and I'm still hungry.
Liam: I had a KFC
Claire: Yuk
Liam: need my fried chicken badness
Claire: hang on, small emo child want a kiss goodnite
Liam: how can an emo want a kiss? They hate everyone because no-one understands them?
Claire: he has rainbows inside apparently
Liam: I have no rainbows, and no patience for tonight's most haunted
Claire: You have zero tolerance for most things tbh hun!
Liam: I have tolerance for lots of things
Claire: It will get more entertaining when the maiming and death starts. I'm optimistic
Liam: well that's what everyone watching wants if we're honest
Claire: of course, something just went "ooh"
Liam: I heard it too, but I'm guessing it was Cath dropping her guts
Claire: David smells antiseptic... Cath again?
Liam: no amount of antiseptic can make that behemoth clean
Claire: Someone text in that they could see pumpkin like figures on the web cam.... love the loonies
Liam: my favourite was the woman dancing "she was very faint and had no face" - what the fuck is this, care in the community week?
Claire: I like the ones that tell yvee to be careful! No, don't be careful, and if you see any iron railings, feel free to impale yourself
Liam: the names people come up with are priceless. A lot of people tonight have come up with Trevor. Trevor? What sort of Victorian or older name is fucking Trevor?
Claire: Pmsl!! I bet that was a chav who sent that in! Yvee want to play! You up for it big boy??
Liam: me? Big boy?
Claire: you're tall
Liam: I suppose I am. Ah yes, interactive pricelessness! Shame they don't show any psychic art any more
Claire: someone text in about a troublesome dwarf!! That will be poor old Cath again
Liam: ROTFLMAO!
Claire: and a black witch called Mary, but could have meant fat bitch called yvee perhaps?
Liam: stop it, I'll get a stitch! Going for a cigarette hun
Claire: ok, you go and I'll stay here and, um, eat?
Liam: well there's not much going on in Most Haunted Land is there?
Claire: not yet no, but in Karmawhore world a satsuma has been consumed, the excitement may cause me to have a seizure
Liam: séance time!
Claire: wobbly tables - 69.99 at asda, or if you want to create it in your own home on the cheap, take a hacksaw and apply it to one of your table legs for instant wobbliness
Liam: fragile glasses, 4 for a fiver!
Claire: bunch of fools sitting in the dark - priceless!
Liam: wait, Yvette's about to hit her big metal bowl
Claire: I thought that was a pestle and mortar thingamajig
Liam: well it probably is. And Stuart is angry because of Squire Trevor. Oh, it's TREFOR
Claire: hahaha magical trefor or just Trevor? Ooh spooky!
Liam: come on Stuart, do something angry!
Claire: he should put that bowl on his head for when the stones start flying
Liam: don't panic Mr. Mainwaring!
Claire: Stu has a dent in his big bald head! From the lobotomy?
Liam: probably, no-one can be that retarded without the aid of medical science
Claire: the ghost is shitting in front of them??
Liam: I know! PRICELESS!
Claire: Stu is a coiled spring!!
Liam: will he hit someone though?
Claire: if this John fella doesn't like woman, perhaps he could thump yvee
Liam: Stuart looks like he's having a big poo
Claire: he looks like he is about to go... please let him
Liam: I know, it will be funny

Oh how we miss them...

Claire: and the insults begin...
Liam: this is, if you believe in the existence of such things, not a good idea
Claire: they are chucking money away again, will Cleggy ever get his new ears??
Liam: the deluxe models?
Claire: depends on how much liposuction Cath gets
Liam: thanks for that lovely image
Claire: so who gets battered first?? I bet its Karl and if I'm right, you buy the Chinese on Saturday night
Liam: you're on!
Claire: excellent
Liam: but only if you get the beers in on Friday
Claire: Coors light?
Liam: ah yes you superstar!
Claire: I am ain't I?? I'm fab
Liam: I'm sort of fab... and back to Most Haunted we go
Claire: oops I think Karl has upset David
Liam: you think? Invoking a dark art ritual to show the evilness, if you believe such a thing, is a tad silly
Claire: It's like poking a dead badger with a stick, its wrong, but you still would...
Liam: I don't think I've seen David this angry before. Classic telly!
Claire: He really is pissed isn't he, and now Karl is calling the spirits pieces of crap... nice
Liam: I'm really fucked off with Karl's attitude. Whether you believe in this or not, you should still have a bit of fucking respect
Claire: Karl is a wanker - fact, Stu is a wanker - fact. despite claiming he can talk to dead people, Wellsy is a decent enough chap. Cath's farted again
Liam: too right, I have nothing bad to say about Wells as a person. I'm kind of hoping he does a Derek Acorah and leaves before he gets dragged down any further
Claire: I think this may have been done on purpose, get him to jump before he gets pushed??
Liam: You wouldn't like to think it, but it wouldn't surprise me
Claire: Its exactly the kind of behaviour I would expect from them tbh
Liam: no respect for something they clearly don't understand
Claire: I bet wells walks after this
Liam: I hope he does too
Claire: as much as it pains me to say it, he is the best medium they have had, certainly the most likeable
Liam: I'd even say he is the most credible
Claire: I wouldn't go that far
Liam: yes, but being 'most credible' in such a field isn't exactly an honour
Claire: fair point. Yvee alone in a cellar?? screaming aplenty methinks!
Liam: well, we have reached a plateau at the moment, it has to kick off soon
Claire: it better my arse is getting numb, just going to stretch my legs
Liam: ok dokey
Claire: need caffeine
Liam: not long till the pain is over
Claire: oh really? just banged my head!
Liam: proncess...
Claire: I was waiting for the kettle to boil, and I have my wooly bed socks on, and was spinning on the kitchen floor pretending I was in strictly come dancing and banged my head on the cupboard door
Liam: MEGALOLZ!
Claire: I'm a plum
Liam: nah you're not
Claire: yvee in a cellar, there's a machete? could get interesting
Liam: she looks bloody terrifying when she makes her eyes big
Claire: imagine if she had those Sid little style glasses that make your eyes really huge!
Liam: AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Claire: come on ghosties, maim the woman!
Liam: punch her in the cooch!
Claire: what's a cooch?
Liam: lady bits
Claire: ah the minge
Liam: the gash, the pussy, the beefy curtains
Claire: don't say gash, I hate that its sooo uncouth!
Liam: the twat, the furry cup, the bushy plate
Claire: yvee's top lip looks really crinkly
Liam: botox?
Claire: tash waxed?
Liam: poopy stains?
Claire: it does though doesn't it, or am I seeing things?
Liam: it does you're right
Claire: why is she so freaked out, nothings bloody happened! wuss!
Liam: alone, dark, closed space. the slightest noise will set you off
Claire: not me, I'm hardcore

Come back Degsy, all is forgiven

Liam: someone threw a knife at her!
Claire: it was me and I fucking missed. GODDAMMMIT!
Liam: bloody good shot from 200 miles away though
Claire: it was my evil twin
Liam: ah the one I've heard so much about... but I wish that knife had been thrown when she was alone
Claire: I hope your saving this convo hun!! just a thought
Liam: oh I am!
Claire: one hour to go, will I survive this unimaginable horror?
Liam: we have so far
Claire: they need to step up the throwing/possession/screaming though
Liam: and quickly. but it hasn't been that bad all in all
Claire: I've reviewed worse!
Liam: best Most Haunted Live in years
Claire: since pendle hill, yes.
Liam: and that's a good thing. Now if they can hold off on the new series until next year
Claire: needs more Derek tbh!
Liam: it does, a camp possession never goes down badly
Claire: a camp possession whilst wearing questionable shoes and a man thong.. those were the days!
Liam: my favourite was the "one legged man doing a waltz while desperately trying to not shit himself" possession from one in London
Claire: which one was that?
Liam: one where they went to Elstree film studios or a pub near there
Claire: more séance!
Liam: come on crew, don't let me down!
Claire: come on Karl, I have a takeaway riding on this my favourite fake samurai.. moaning myrtle?????
Liam: Harry Potter references, gotta love them! Oh and that Elstree possession was at the Holybush pub during the second night of SIX Live shows they did in 2005
Claire: I didn't watch it in 2005
Liam: missed some classics, and you must have missed Pendle Hill
Claire: first time around, but seen it since
Liam: I remember it live, it was cracking television
Claire: I think yvee is in charge of glass pushing tonite
Liam: And Swells has perked up a bit
Claire: pro plus and red bull?
Liam: nah, cocaine. probably.
Claire: god damn, Stu is UGLY
Liam: FUGLY!
Claire: fugly fester
Liam: I'm stealing that!
Claire: thief!!
Liam: well if I tell you, it's borrowing
Claire: ok, can I borrow 20 quid for the Chinese Saturday then?
Liam: the bet is still on until the end of the show
Claire: why do I always feel like Stu is up to something?
Liam: because he usually is
Claire: I feel anxious if I cant see his hands
Liam: just be glad he's not polishing the helmet of his one eyed trouser trout
Claire: now she's chucking kitchen implements
Liam: and the knife returns!
Claire: Fetch!
Liam: ghosts are for life, not just for live TV specials
Claire: Pmsl!
Liam: finally! A decent gag!
Claire: safety advice from the Ross!
Liam: you know he was desperately trying not to piss himself
Claire: He's paid not too, so wears huggies pull-ups, very absorbent
Liam: Pmsl!
Claire: really? get some pull-ups then, big boy size!!
Liam: nah, I'll just soil myself
Claire: you really are gross sometimes!! I'm going to spin in the kitchen and go and hunt down more snacks ray mears style
Liam: hunting poor innocent toast or fruit? Pure evil, that's what you are!

I actually feel sorry for this man

Claire: Did Leslie mention heaving?? was she referring to her bosom? I missed at as I had a pack of smiths square crisps wrestling me to the ground, feisty buggers them....
Liam: but infinitely tasty.... unlike Lesley smith who wouldn't be tasty after downing an entire crate of Irish whiskey
Claire: no she would be a drunken whore!
Liam: damn, I owe you a Chinese!
Claire: what happened? Cath looks totally un bovvered!
Liam: Stuart went to lamp Karl
Claire: yay I win I win!
Liam: all we saw was him going for Karl, and then the camera got knocked out
Claire: Karl looks like he is holding a big ostrich egg, but its Stu's head!
Liam: ha-ha! David is so thinking "I told you so!" after their earlier admission about the dark ritual
Claire: "Stu has not been right" says yvee, not since birth no
Liam: that lobotomy didn't work
Claire: dave's not impressed is he?
Liam: not in the slightest, and good on him
Claire: it wouldn't be MHL without Stu "doing one" would it?
Liam: alas it would not, he's a bald Derek Acorah now but that would be an insult to our degsy. Going for a smoke
Claire: ok
Liam: so.... twenty minutes to go
Claire: We have nearly done it!!
Liam: thankfully, but its not been that bad has it?
Claire: Not hideous no, but its still a bit stale
Liam: definitely in need of a rest and maybe a complete revamping of what they do
Claire: Karl is pulling some weird faces
Liam: he'll be next to go then
Claire: I bet he falls over
Liam: well he feels funky. will he bust a move wildstyle?
Claire: Nah, there's not been enough cowbell
Liam: that's what they need on the séance tables.... more cowbell!
Claire: that would work!
Liam: and then Will Farrell appears from nowhere
Claire: fall over damn you Karl Beattie!
Liam: or dance...
Claire: still feeling funky!
Liam: he really should start break dancing
Claire: I think Karl is dead.......
Liam: now that's wishful thinking
Claire: she is fucking obsessed with these non existent tappings! I hear nothing - ever!
Liam: you're not the only one who hears nothing
Claire: I just heard a giggle, though that me be the laughing in my head again
Liam: I can only hear their bloody voices
Claire: that was a bit of an anti climax wasn't it?
Liam: just a bit
Claire: has Ciaron got little rubber balls?
Liam: you have a filthy mind!
Claire: just repeating what yvee said! someone text in and said there was red mist in the cellar.. err yeah! Stu saw it!
Liam: how, the webcams are black and white?
Claire: oooh good point!! see, lunatics, all of them
Liam: well that's about it for this Most Haunted Live. Any final thoughts?
Claire: Yep, plenty, yvee smelt shit, I smelt bullshit, uncanny eh? Cath had her bum pinched - a lot, only dead men would go there... Stu needs to be locked up in his kennel when they do the next live, and there was nowhere near enough cowbell. And how much does Leslie charge for an hour??

The Final Word: So, five nights later and… well it was a vast improvement over the last couple of Most Haunted Lives. The stone throwing and histrionics were virtually non-existent but if the chatter on the Living TV forums is anything to go by, even the die hard fans are getting sick and tired of being fed the same repetitive crap every single time. Feelings towards Stuart and Karl are now pretty much at an all-time low and with the revelation that Yvette was caught kicking a cupboard ON FILM and trying to pass it off as spirit activity, well the credibility that had been very slightly clawed back for the previous four nights had been well and truly flushed down the shitter. There's also the whole dark arts angle which you could tell didn't sit very well with David Wells who looked for all the world like he had pretty much given up on the whole thing after finding out that Stuart and Karl (yes, those two fuckwits again) had cast some sort of spell to bring forth some evil forces. Yes, such things probably don't actually exist but if they do then perhaps it wasn't the best idea to try, and certainly wasn't very fucking clever either. So what now for Most Haunted? It's in dire need of a revamp but how? They're pretty much hamstrung by the three hour format so they can't very well sit down in one room for three hours to get better results from scientific tests as that's not entertaining, and they can't keep going through the same old 'stones and tapping' route as it's getting predictable. There's a new series coming up in the next few weeks, so let's see what they have in store because if this series doesn't change what's so very, very wrong with the show (so much so that yes, the die hard fans are turning against it) then this may be the last one. As for a rating, I'd go for *** - entertaining for the most part, but the attitude of some of the crew is dragging the whole thing down to cancellation.

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